Silent moments end conversations every time: Me in social situations

[Mary Terry]

This is actually a good strategy that I will try to remember to end conversations with people I don't want to talk to but can't physically escape.

Seriously, when you have a good relationship with someone, long silences are fine, and even treasured. It's those stranger/acquaintance conversations that expect constant back and forth talking - a nonstop exchange of "pleasant nothingness" and "empty pleasantries". Many NTs are not good at doing it either, nor do they want to. But the more you do it and practice it, the easier it becomes.

 

[Thinx]

I've tried to do this and used many strategies over years, practiced in therapy groups, all sorts. It didn't change, or get easier. Therapy and practicing something can help where there is capacity for development, but I don't believe that to be the case for this particular issue, I think the reason is that the slow processing issue is a difference that prevents full participation in this particular way of interacting.

 

[Joshua the Writer]

Yeah, silent moments in convos are annoying. They break the flow of conversation, so you might as well end the conversation there. That's why I prefer text messaging over voice/video calls. I sometimes only start voice calls with friends when we're playing a video game together over the internet.

 

[breakpoint64]

I often feel like my brain likes to switch between “infodump” and “incredibly short sentences that kill off any opportunity of having a conversation” so I rather just listen to other people given I struggle to actually join conservations without coming off as disruptive

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I am much better at small talk then I was years ago. However I just don't get how to continue an conversation without either saying nothing or saying too much which can cause an one sided converstion.

 

[Mary Terry]

I am much better at small talk then I was years ago. However I just don't get how to continue an conversation without either saying nothing or saying too much which can cause an one sided converstion.

Try to ask questions that the other person will have to answer so you don't have to talk. Examples: what are you doing for the holidays? Do you know of any good restaurants in this area? Do you know what the weather report is for tomorrow? Keep asking them questions until you can politely leave. It's okay if your question changes the subject of the conversation.

 

[Aspychata]

I use questions alot because it takes the emphasis off of me. It lets me think of something witty, and l come off less ND, always a consideration in my neck of the woods. At my job, if people look away, thats my cue that l can leave.

 

[Au Naturel]

Asking flattering questions is great if you want to get in on the good side of a narcissist. Sometimes it is necessary.

 

[Aspychata]

Asking flattering questions is great if you want to get in on the good side of a narcissist. Sometimes it is necessary.

l ask questions when l see a pattern of something the person is telling me. l ask questions to connect and be authentic and in the moment. And l ask questions to stay mentally sharp, in that l challenge myself to be quick and ask something intelligent. Sometimes l fail, but l find it helps with *nasty small talk*. And it cuts down on just putting the person who is talking on mute in my brain. lol If l don't like you, l sorta just mute you and l hear noises as you speak but l don't register the meaning.

 

[Pillar]

Hello,
You need to work on being yourself more than being someone you are not.
My therapist told me that I am just not good at small-talks and that's OK. I usually love "large-talks" such as spiritual conversations or universal topics.

 

[Barymore]

@Pillar - of course you are right. Additionally, however, social gatherings are an important species typical thing for humans and small-talk the mutual grooming that maintains friendly relations and prevents hostility. Most other primates use grooming and that has little to do with parasites - they will do so in the complete absence of any lice, fleas, ticks etc... I suppose that is what small talk is: mutual exchange even in the absence of any content!
Even in other primates it is considered „rude“ to reject grooming on a regular basis .... I suppose that is what puts pressure on us to try to find strategies to manage small talk and can make me (us) seem aloof / hostile / rude when we do not engage... how to resolve this?

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I went to my friends house for an gathering of an bunch of people. Not having attending these for a while because of the pandemic today I realized how bad I am at it.

Many were socializing with small talk into about three groups talking with themselves. If I tried to say something to start an conversation I was greeted with a either an ignore or a few words back meanwhile someone else starts an conversation and the words flow back and fourth.

I got so bad and since I was ignored I was listening to EDM Progressive music most of the time. I finally said I am going home but only my friend greeted me goodbye. Everyone else ignored me. I could have left and no one would have been the wiser.

So what the heck is wrong with me. Why could I no matter how hard I try engaged in conversations.

 

[Progster]

Story of my life.

It's a processing issue. We are not able to process as fast as 'normal' people. It's cognitive/neurological in origin and there's nothing you can do about it, except avoid that situation. Stick with small groups with one or two people, or just one person.

 

[Thinx]

Same here. I can't do unstructured social interaction. Although I am debating now whether 'slow processing' is the right term for this, so I am saying 'different processing' now. We get sent down a negative route in interpreting ways we are different, by the stigma around autism, but my thinking now is, is my processing looking in more detail and depth, covering more ground but short term not operating to communicate with ease in the way used by neurotypical people?

Or, perhaps my processing works differently because something else in my brain has been prioritised, like being able to have useful and original ideas, or other strengths I possess. This would differ from person to person as to the specific strengths perhaps.

Sorry you had this dissapointing experience, it's something I no longer try, however a structured activity or event or meeting can be fine.