So Confrontation didn't go as well as planned

[Gritches]

It's entirely possible that he feels absolutely horrible and is afraid to speak to you. Before I grew a spine I would be that way, I'd feel so ashamed of the bad behavior I didn't even realize I was doing that I would just shut down and be too embarrassed and afraid to speak to the "offended" party, because I thought that party was incredibly offended, or I didn't deserve to speak to them anymore or whatever.

Avoidance is a natural Aspie way of...well...avoiding getting hurt socially. If he seemed to take it well at the time, I suspect I might be right that he isn't sure if you're really mad at him, or he might be afraid of offending you further, or something like that. It doesn't make sense, never does.

 

[Mia]

Hmmmmm. This feels like a very strange assumption.

This is an Aspie assumption on my part, and he likely doesn't want to hurt you. Leave him alone for awhile, stop emailing and liking posts. See if he contacts you, if he does/doesn't you have your answer.

 

[OkRad]

Don't you end up missing out on potentially good relationships because someone talked with you about something that was bothering them? I've been thinking about this while going through the forum. I understand not ever wanting conflict but it seems like just naturally something like that will occur, particularly in a professional setting?

This is such a good question, but for me, it is not worth it. The stress is never worth the relationship which usually ends anyway.....just me, though.

 

[OkRad]

What do you mean by behavior? Because his behavior is kind of confusing. In person, his behavior is very positive, and it really does seem like he is fine with me/likes me. But then he hasn't been responding to e-mails. So I don't know what that means.




This is very true! I guess the reason why I didn't think anything was wrong was because Jim shows all of his emotions on his face. And fridge has a point. It was more of a talk than a confrontation. Though, I guess he could have seen it like one, though.

My old aspie friend was exactly the same. Very much into me when there, but not a peep when out of sight. I broke it off because I got tired of his excuses, even though he is a dear Aspie.......I get it. People break it off with me, too. I told him why and he knew. He really did not care because he has an internal world and keeps chugging along like I wish I could. He was a good person, that is true, but did not care much about the people in his life. And some people are OK with that. I am at a distance. So now, if he emails me, cool, I will respond and be nice. But I never initiate anymore.

 

[Kathos]

You sound pretty anxious and bothered by his behavior so I think he is pulling away from that. And seeing one another every 2 weeks is ridiculous and he knows it and deep inside you know it too. It’s not sustainable for a human relationship.

You’ve known one another for a year and early on he was accommodating your NT needs. But now he needs more space for himself and he’s loosened up a bit and maybe is more himself, except now you are showing extreme discontent and confusion with how he is.
He isn’t emailing back because he’s hesitating, wondering if it’s even worth the effort at this point, he’s doubting that he can truly make you happy. For the past year he’s been pulling a circus act for you and he simply can’t sustain it, he’a probably lost a lot of himself in the process.
The 2 week “arrangement” screams you have a syndrome, a disability and this is how I will accommodate you. It doesn’t express love or acceptance. It says, get some rest then after 2 weeks go back to your circus act so I can be happy with you again.
You need to get to know him better and let him know you appreciate him and really accept him as he is. If you can do that I’m sure he’d be happy to see you everyday. An aspie wants a normal relationship afterall, not a weird one.

One tip about email and texting... from my perspective as an aspie, I hate emails and texting when it is an extension of small talk. You are entitled to check in with him as you please, but if all you say is “hi”, he will not know what you want him to say and will have to make up some NT thing. I have NT friends who could banter on and on by text/email and I am truly amazed even impressed with how natural and easy they make it look. I love that they build rapport this way and can play with words like they do but I never participate. My mind is too literal and I spend a lot of time in my head. Often times the words I think about are best put in an essay and I haven’t a clue when it comes to banter.

That said, most NT’s require this kind of engagement to feel connected whereas aspies do not. You may have to ask yourself if you are ok with this. If you are, then the next time he doesn’t respond to your email or text simply ignore it and realize it doesn’t mean anything. You could also mix it up and try being a little aspie yourself I.e. instead of “I miss you, I want to see you, what are you doing xox blah blah blah”, just say “going to a movie, wanna come?”

I think if you loosen up, act happier and less insecure, he’ll be more inspired and have the energy to be with you.

 

[Dorkasour]

The 2 week “arrangement” screams you have a syndrome, a disability and this is how I will accommodate you. It doesn’t express love or acceptance. It says, get some rest then after 2 weeks go back to your circus act so I can be happy with you again.
.

That is a rude thing to say to someone. She is here to get seek advice, help, from other people to help understand her friend. Nobody deserves being told they have a syndrome or "disability." Especially from someone who isn't her therapist? It's not helpful at all and it's not even true.

Edit: Please let me know if I misunderstood your message.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

That is a rude thing to say to someone. She is here to get seek advice, help, from other people to help understand her friend. Nobody deserves being told they have a syndrome or "disability." Especially from someone who isn't her therapist? It's not helpful at all and it's not even true.

Edit: Please let me know if I misunderstood your message.

I dont think it was rude. Direct. But,more specifically, offering suggestions to help - which fulfills your brief.

 

[Kathos]

Yes it's a misunderstanding. What I was trying to say was that accommodating Jim's aspergers in unrealistic ways might actually make him feel like he is disabled, inadequate or heavily affected by his syndrome. Hopefully that makes more sense?
I applaud Jane for searching out answers about her aspie friend. Everything she is doing is so well meaning and good, and Jim is a very lucky guy. I'm just trying to explain why things might be construed opposite to her expectations. I apologize if I was blunt or confusing in my explanation.

 

[Alis1998]

Normally when I had a serious talk with someone I need my space. But were you talking about his autistic behaviour during the talk that bothered you ? Because that would give me the reason to distance myself.
Mainly because it isnt always something that people can help. but lets get away from that factor. Maybe he distances himself because he feels like he have been treating you wrong. Maybe he doesnt want any drama. After all, we are humans.

 

[George Newman]

Taking into account all your posts here ... walk away. As an aspie that knows how NTs manage apsies and vice versa, life will just not be pleasant for either of you long term. I am just betting that I will be perceived as discounting loves ability to transcend the complications and gloriously triumph in bliss. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to him. I know, I know "love conquers all" and "self sacrifice is the path to true mature love." I do not wish to be shallow and I recognize that numerous couples mange thru the differences but the vast majority are not willing to manage thru. The hurt, pain, and loneliness can develop into an ugly bitterness. Because of the world we have to live in day after day after day we do become the "best damn actors in the world" and to release our true self would result in complete destruction of our ability to live. The marginalization would be even more intense than it is now. I'm not advocating deception. This is a very difficult situation. Am I even remotely on-point or did I miss the point all together? I don't know you two but I can say that I want the best for you both. I do hope I wasn't too harsh or overly opinionated. I've read this three times and if seem frank and honest to me.

 

[Jane Smith]

UPDATE:

He responded to me. Just took him a while. Going to be hanging out with him on the 10th.

 

[Judge]

Another thing to consider IMO is that people on the spectrum don't necessarily correlate time with socialization and relationships quite like Neurotypicals do.

That we're more oriented towards quality socialization rather than any quantity of socialization. Which can potentially mean our absence can involve longer periods of time, yet have no particular bearing on a relationship. That it can just happen with us.

Where a Neurotypical must come to grips with the likelihood of learning not to take it personally. Where a great deal of patience can pay off.

 

[Rayner]

I'm glad he responded to you, I'm sorry if I was harsh earlier. From what I understood, it seemed at the time that he wanted space from you. Sometimes when it is the case, people don't always to hear that I guess out of self-perseveration. Anycase I'm glad you are going to see him soon.

UPDATE:

He responded to me. Just took him a while. Going to be hanging out with him on the 10th.

 

[the_tortoise]

At the end of the meeting I asked him if it would be okay with me seeing him every 2 weeks. He said yes. So, I definitely didn't give him the impression I didn't want to see him anymore!

I thought the same thing as @Chance.....that maybe he interpreted this as you meaning you only wanted to have social contact with him every two weeks, and nothing else (and, iI so, he may be confused by emails in between unless they are about your fortnightly meetup).