Social Anxiety - Online as well?

[bentHnau]

I'm sure some of you suffer from social anxiety, as I do.

Yes, but I have meatspace social anxiety for a reason that is a bit different than the reason form my online social anxiety. My online social anxiety comes from experiences of people assuming motives I do not have and becoming upset with me (randomly, from my perspective) and my difficulty predicting when this will happen, along with the pressure I feel to say what I want to say anyways (because I don't find anything wrong with it).

I go so far as to avoid actually reading responses if I know there's potential friction,

Yep, that's my main coping tactic at this point, although I don't think that it's ideal. I'm doing it right now with another forum; I just straight up deleted the message notifications.

but it doesn't stop me from all day stressing about what they could have said in their replies, knowing that their response is sitting there waiting for me to open it.

I used to do that too. I'm practicing letting go, but it's difficult because I'm interested in what other people have to say; even when they are nasty I respect them too much or something and still try to analyze their words for a worthwhile message.

I've come to the conclusion that the best way to deal with this is to have someone who is familiar with the way I think with whom to talk rather than relying on Internet strangers. This e-anxiety and the other online communication issues have driven me to the understanding that this medium is not suited to my communication style or needs due to the random assemblage of different personality types and therefore unpredictable tenor of the conversations.

 

[radasp]

My frustration is that Asperger people continue to "obsess" about what other people MAY think about them, whether in person or online. I think this has two sources: yes, we feel lost when trying to communicate; our native impulse is to say what we think and to have that accepted as a legitimate way of communicating. Through experience we know that too often being direct and honest is taken as an "attack" on the person: an insult or a challenge. Society is built on a social pyramid of inequality - there are "important people" and (mostly) unimportant people. Social exchange is a serious game of status-seeking. When Asperger individuals are "caught" in these games, we feel very uncomfortable: our need to be direct and honest is simply not acceptable, especially in the eyes of authority figures; people are supposed to "bow and scrape" as if that authority figure is their superior. This is unfair in our Egalitarian view of human beings - that is, everyone counts.

This difference in our fundamental way of seeing human beings is the source of much our anxiety - if you believe in truth, justice and equality you can't just abandon those expectations - but, you can't expect that social typicals will meet that expectation. They live in a different "mind space." If you think that society will change someday, good luck! But, if you stop expecting highly social people to be "like us" much of your anxiety will disappear. If you stop expecting that someday you'll be "normal" your anxiety will decrease.

 

[Persevero]

That's a really great post radasp, but I think most people with ASD have concerns about how they are actually treated and why it is happening. Thinking about what other people may be thinking is simply anxiety.

edit: I think I lost the track the thread was initially on so I missed that the focus was on anxiety to begin with, sorry.

 

[gonz]

That's a really great post radasp, but I think most people with ASD have concerns about how they are actually treated and why it is happening. Thinking about what other people may be thinking is simply anxiety.

This a huge complicating factor in dealing with my anxiety, and one that I have no idea what to do about.

I am aware that I come across as strange, and that a fairly high percentage of people find that off putting.

I have a strong desire to appear normal, so that people won't dislike me.

So far that sounds like the makings of plain, old-fashioned, social anxiety. Take some medications to ease the symptoms in the meantime and do some CBT, so I can learn to challenge my automatic negative assumptions (those being that I am strange, that people think poorly of me, and that their opinion of me matters in the first place), and problem solved, right?

And that is how every professional I've approached has tried to deal with the issue. The reason it doesn't work, which I figured out only after years of following their advice, is simple; those negative assumptions I'm making are true. Trying to convince myself otherwise is like trying to convince myself that maybe the sky won't be blue and the grass not green today.

I cannot convince myself that I am not weird, or that people do not notice. I've had enough people tell me otherwise, usually in the harshest way they know how, for it to be possible to believe otherwise.

And I especially cannot convince myself that people's opinions of me do not matter. Their opinions directly impact the way they behave towards me. Some of it is relatively minor stuff, like having to listen people's comments about me. Some of it is relatively major stuff like not being able to get jobs for which I am otherwise very qualified, because I cannot get past the interview stage. And then one has to factor in the (few, but far from nonexistent) people who have used my differences as an excuse to do some truly despicable things.

I compare my "social anxiety" to a fear of heights, and dealing with my asd to walking a tightrope. Losing the fear is useless, maybe even dangerous, until you've learned how to keep your balance on the damn rope.

 

[radasp]

That's a really great post radasp, but I think most people with ASD have concerns about how they are actually treated and why it is happening. Thinking about what other people may be thinking is simply anxiety.

edit: I think I lost the track the thread was initially on so I missed that the focus was on anxiety to begin with, sorry.

They know that they are being treated badly; the reason is not as obvious. ASD need to understand that society is a hierarchy of value based on aggression, competiveness and money. We aren't even on the pyramid; we are a separate and maligned asocial or hyposocial species.

 

[Suzanne]

My social anxiety hits if on Yahoo Answers for example and I am on the only one who answered, I feel the same sort of feeling I used to feel when someone sat next to me: poor them for having me as their only answer! But I can squish it fairly easily.

On Facebook, it feels strange, reading everyone's banter and then sort of "butting" in which in life, I would not do and the times, I have to, because of needing an answer straight away, I always apologise for that!

Basically for me, online is so much easier than off line, because I cannot read people's emotions and so I can deal with things tons easier! f someone was to type and then say: sorry they feel really angry, I feel ok, because I did not detect it, in their typing but saying that, I can detect if someone is angry or hurt etc, but I guess I can distance myself ie not assume straight away that they are angry with me.

I am glad for the time to think and ability to erase if I don't like what I have typed, because face to face, I am so self conscious most of the time, I can rarely have a great conversation, which does get me down!

 

[Ellylldan]

I'm so anxious that I'll post something everyone else thinks is stupid I edit and re-edit, delete as often as I post.

Ohhh, I was afraid I was the only one doing that, deleting posts! I don't know how many times I spent an hour writing a post, editing it, re-editing and ending up deleting it out of fear that others would find it stupid or not important enough or that I am not "qualified" enough to be here.. It bothers me so much, this thing. I even thought to start a thread asking if anyone else was doing it too. Good thing I didn't, or I would feel sooo stupid after discovering this one, hahaha! Well, this is a relief for me to know I'm not alone!

I find this forum to be very friendly, and I see here a lot of people facing the same difficulties in life as I do and trying hard to survive in this world, so sometimes I just think: well, if I cannot be myself here, where can I?! Still, sometimes anxiety is just too strong..

 

[AsheSkyler]

Ohhh, I was afraid I was the only one doing that, deleting posts! I don't know how many times I spent an hour writing a post, editing it, re-editing and ending up deleting it out of fear that others would find it stupid or not important enough or that I am not "qualified" enough to be here..

There was one forum I was on that had achievements for many things, and I kid you not, I got the chicken achievement for exiting out so many posts without submitting them. So not only are we not alone, there are awards for it. And I officially got one.

 

[Ellylldan]

There was one forum I was on that had achievements for many things, and I kid you not, I got the chicken achievement for exiting out so many posts without submitting them. So not only are we not alone, there are awards for it. And I officially got one.

Hahaha, what?! >_< Chicken achievement.. This made me laugh so much. I guess it falls under category of things that are so bad they're good!

 

[AsheSkyler]

Hahaha, what?! >_< Chicken achievement.. This made me laugh so much. I guess it falls under category of things that are so bad they're good!

Heehee, yup! It wasn't officially called the chicken achievement, but "coward" was definitely the main theme! It made me laugh too when I saw it pop up on my screen.

 

[wyverary]

I can't say I feel any sort of anxiety anymore. This was pretty much the first online forum I ever joined, and now here I am two and a half years later playing more of a part of it than I thought I would.

Social media...well, that's rather a complicated question. When it comes to Facebook, I am extremely careful these days (I'm ashamed to say I didn't used to be!) about making posts that don't offend anyone, about things that I care about that maybe others can relate to or find of interest as well. It's funny, too...Not too long ago, I made a decision to be MUCH more open about my mental illness struggles online, WITH my full name attached to it, and posting it in every venue to which I had access--Twitter, Instagram, tumblr, and, yes, even Facebook. Yes, I was incredibly shy at first; and while I'm sure there are detractors, those "friends" who think I'm whining or wasting space in their otherwise valuable newsfeed (HA! as if) the responses I have gotten have been overwhelmingly positive, to the extent that I almost wish more people would be so honest in the hopes that others feel they aren't alone.

 

[Vinca]

Anyone else deal with anything similar?

yer. I'm really not sure how to respond properly on or offline. I usually spend a while trying to assess how others have responded so I know how I should respond.

There are certain topics that I generally avoid cuz I think there is more chance of me putting my foot in it and more chance that people will be more sensitive about these areas.

I havn't had any bad experiences online so I'm not as anxious online as I am in person. I do still half-expect for someone to reply to my posts and say that 'I've completely missed the point of the thread' or comments along those lines though.

 

[Spiller]

Not too long ago, I made a decision to be MUCH more open about my mental illness struggles online, WITH my full name attached to it, and posting it in every venue to which I had access--Twitter, Instagram, tumblr, and, yes, even Facebook.

wyverary I truly admire your bravery in coming out of the closet with mental health issues, there is still so much stigma surrounding this.. and I completely agree, the more people who are open about their problems, the more it will be accepted; one of the reasons I'm open here on AC, also pretty much the first forum I've ever posted on.. because I never feel judged here.

 

[IAmParadiseSeekerJW]

I find it so much easier to talk online, but despite that, I find it hard to send others messages, scared of seeming desperate even if it's only one more message than I sent originally, I feel terrified of a response if I sent a message I feel won't go down well...And I certainly go panicky if a person has seen my message and not replied...If it's someone I know in the flesh, I find it hard facing them if they didn't respond and will do all I can to not be put in a situation where I will have to face them

 

[Progster]

My social anxiety extends online too. I'm now comfortable about posting and participating in discussions, but I'm very nervous about approaching people personally - I have to have a really good reason to PM someone. I've noticed that quite a few people contact each other by PM or private threads, and while I'm always very glad when someone takes an interest in me by contacting me via PM, I'm way too shy to initiate it - I don't know what to say or how to approach a person. As I said earlier, I need to have a very specific reason to talk to someone. This means that I miss out a lot on making friends.