Social Situation: Wrong or Right and if Wrong, PLEASE help me understand why.

[Stubbrn]

Hi Everybody I'm not even sure if this is the right place for this but I am not understanding so I thought I would come here first. Also apologies in advance for how detailed and long winded I'm sure this will be.

I've encountered a social situation where some people are telling me it's wrong, horribly wrong like apparently psychotically wrong but I can't understand why or if it even is so opinions PLEASE.

My brother and I haven't gotten along in years, it's mainly been my side as he has a personality I just don't work with and living together and expecting to "love each other" and just his general personality has always irked me so I either bite his head off when he does something that directly affects me (changes my stuff etc) or I ignore him. I encountered him at work(he is an arborist so he was at a local park with two of his other co-workers) and we chatted for a minute or two and then I continued on my way. I was also talking to my sister on the phone and I was telling her how funny it would be if I would just walk up to him and fake slap him and pretend like the kid I nanny(she was with me at the time and is just over 1) was his secret child he didn't know about. I've seen the scenes in movies like that and I get that not everyone would find it funny but to me it was amusing. So my nanny child and I sit on a bench out of the way of them working and just watch them cut down this tree. I wait and do not approach his other co-workers as I've never met them and I never know what's the right thing to do. Then my brother told them about me on the bench so they started toward me and I started toward them. We all get introduced and then I said how originally I thought it would have been funny if I pretended that Z had a secret child and I came up and slapped him etc. There was two guys and one guy laughs and the other one kinda laughs kinda not(?) and then the one who laughed asked for baby pictures etc and then we left. I thought it was funny, and literally forgot about it beyond telling my sisters the story because I thought it was funny.

I have now been informed that was psychotic and wrong according to a couple family members. Other family members laughed and said it was great. But I truly don't understand how it was wrong if it was wrong. I waited until he introduced me, I didn't interrupt them cutting down trees and they walked toward me first, I didn't overshare any personal information, this isn't a deeply religious group or anything that would have a problem with someone having a kid outside of marriage, so please please please people. Opinions?

 

[MNAus]

Without being there it's difficult to know. There's nothing wrong per se with the joke, but I would guess the delivery could make it seem odd. Compare:

"Lovely to meet you all. I bet you're relieved I'm not a jealous ex coming over to introduce him to his love child"

to

"Lovely to meet you. Hey, can you imagine how funny it would have been if I'd come over pretending this was his love child and slapped him with you two watching?"

The first one is a shared joke. The second is "wouldn't it be great if I'd humiliated him in front of you?" My answer as a colleague would have been that "not really" laugh.

Wouldn't call it psychotic, but depending on the person they might not think much of it, nor of you telling their mates you think it would have been great fun. It depends on the dynamic between you also. If your inability to get along with him has seen multiple instances of you teasing him in front of others, and if he's introverted or socially shy, I can see people thinking you might need to tread more carefully.

 

[Judge]

Hard to say. The only two things that come to mind might be:

1) Some people are simply quite averse at practical jokes of any kind.

2) The subject matter may have inadvertently upset someone over something that happened to them that you were unaware of.

 

[Rodafina]

Jokes that are intended to embarrass or humiliate another are not really considered jokes by some people, like myself.

Also, probably best to leave someone else’s child out of such jokes.

At the same time, you are certainly entitled to what your version of funny is. Describing the situation as psychotic, especially when it all just occurred in your thoughts, seems like an overreaction. I would say a bit mean spirited over psychotic.

 

[Hypnalis]

There are multiple layers to this, which might be making it more difficult to analyze.

1. The structure of the conversation as described was already a serious problem
2. That wasn't a joke. I get that it may have been an Aspie thing with you, and that you've seen really stupid things in movies, but it's not possible for that to be funny
3. Don't involve external parties, especially other people's children, an anything remotely like this. Note that this isn't about whether the children understand or not.
4. There are subjects that should never be discussed in M/F conversations, and there are secrets about other people that should never ever be shared with others. This was a completely unacceptable subject.
5. I'm sad to say there's more to this list, but I'll stop here.

So why were you called "psychotic"?

Again, I get that it might have been an Aspie thing with you, but the people who do this kind of thing in real life are usually on the "dark triad" at best:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_triad
You need to read that article. You won't be able to contextualize it fully, but read it carefully anyway.

You should not display any of their characteristic behaviors ever to anybody, including people you strongly dislike.

People who recognize those behaviors and see it in another person will never trust the other person again.
And they won't (or at least shouldn't) tell you about it - the best response is: politely disengage, permanent "no contact".

If it was me I'd go a bit further, but this isn't necessarily ideal: I'd also advise anybody I trust (close friends, trustworthy family members) to permanently avoid that person.
:
:
I don't mind expanding a bit on this post , but I would need to be sure (a) you're actually an Aspie, and (b) you're genuinely looking to fix this (which won't be easy).

 

[Crossbreed]

@Stubbrn, the only problem that I can see, is that a joke about the child being the offspring of your brother (if you are a girl) implies an incestuous relationship between him & you.

That would not go over well.

 

[AdamG]

From what I read, you didn't actually TELL the joke, you just told the story that you were thinking of it, but decided not to. That, to me, shows perhaps a bit of over-sharing, but no cruelty. After all, you decided NOT to make the joke.
.
Whether or not the joke was in bad taste is a moot point, as you did not do it.
.
So to me, you did nothing wrong. Had you gone through with the joke, it may have not been so good. Telling about how you almost did, that is just a story.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Well, a few things come to mind, having raised two boys.

One, when they were kids at home, I expected sibling rivalry. It was always a love-hate relationship at home. They would be scuffling/wrestling around, yelling at each other, one minute, and 30 minutes later, they would be sitting on the couch together playing video games like nothing ever happened. They just loved nothing more than to be a pest to each other and would start from the first time they saw each other in the morning. Frankly, as a parent, it was just plain tiresome having to intervene all the time. Now, they are grown men and actually seek each other's company, so maturity has its perks.

Two, if you two are grown men, and he is with his co-workers or friends, the last thing you want to do is create a situation where he looses respect amongst his inner circle. In other words, it is "bad form", jokes and humor aside. Even if he laughs at it himself, he's been disrespected in front of others, and he will remember you did it. That will bite you in the behind later. Count on it. Furthermore, he could just as easily flip the narrative around to his friends saying something like, "Well, he has autism, a little slow and immature." Whether that is true or not, in order to regain his respect, he's brought you down a peg, as someone to disrespect. Things like this can backfire.

Don't do something to someone that you wouldn't like being done to you. If your brother did that to you in front of your co-workers, friends, a girlfriend, etc. don't think you'd take it well, joke or not.

There's a time and a place for such antics, but typically, in front of others is not.

 

[tazz]

I don't think it was a problem at all.

With any kind of joke, some people will find it funny and others won't. So firstly, you need to be fairly sure that the person you're telling the joke to, and anyone else involved (like your brother and his co-workers), are likely to find it funny. If you think it might upset them then obviously don't do it.

But for everyone else - they weren't involved, so whether they find it funny or not is their problem, not yours.

What are we saying now, that no-one should ever joke around, because someone else might hear about it and be upset by it. I don't think so.

Don't over think it. It's just people having different opinions on what they find funny.

Edit: I found it amusing

 

[Stubbrn]

I don't think it was a problem at all.

With any kind of joke, some people will find it funny and others won't. So firstly, you need to be fairly sure that the person you're telling the joke to, and anyone else involved (like your brother and his co-workers), are likely to find it funny. If you think it might upset them then obviously don't do it.

But for everyone else - they weren't involved, so whether they find it funny or not is their problem, not yours.

What are we saying now, that no-one should ever joke around, because someone else might hear about it and be upset by it. I don't think so.

Don't over think it. It's just people having different opinions on what they find funny.

Edit: I found it amusing

Hmmm ok thank you so much. My humor has always been a little bit not always appreciated by a lot of people so I am used to that it's just more how absolutely horrible some people thought this was that made me utterly confused. Again thank you for replying and it was very appreciated!!

 

[Stubbrn]

Well, a few things come to mind, having raised two boys.

One, when they were kids at home, I expected sibling rivalry. It was always a love-hate relationship at home. They would be scuffling/wrestling around, yelling at each other, one minute, and 30 minutes later, they would be sitting on the couch together playing video games like nothing ever happened. They just loved nothing more than to be a pest to each other and would start from the first time they saw each other in the morning. Frankly, as a parent, it was just plain tiresome having to intervene all the time. Now, they are grown men and actually seek each other's company, so maturity has its perks.

Two, if you two are grown men, and he is with his co-workers or friends, the last thing you want to do is create a situation where he looses respect amongst his inner circle. In other words, it is "bad form", jokes and humor aside. Even if he laughs at it himself, he's been disrespected in front of others, and he will remember you did it. That will bite you in the behind later. Count on it. Furthermore, he could just as easily flip the narrative around to his friends saying something like, "Well, he has autism, a little slow and immature." Whether that is true or not, in order to regain his respect, he's brought you down a peg, as someone to disrespect. Things like this can backfire.

Don't do something to someone that you wouldn't like being done to you. If your brother did that to you in front of your co-workers, friends, a girlfriend, etc. don't think you'd take it well, joke or not.

There's a time and a place for such antics, but typically, in front of others is not.

Ok thank you. I'm his younger sister actually. And thank you again for the reply!!

 

[Stubbrn]

Without being there it's difficult to know. There's nothing wrong per se with the joke, but I would guess the delivery could make it seem odd. Compare:

"Lovely to meet you all. I bet you're relieved I'm not a jealous ex coming over to introduce him to his love child"

to

"Lovely to meet you. Hey, can you imagine how funny it would have been if I'd come over pretending this was his love child and slapped him with you two watching?"

The first one is a shared joke. The second is "wouldn't it be great if I'd humiliated him in front of you?" My answer as a colleague would have been that "not really" laugh.

Wouldn't call it psychotic, but depending on the person they might not think much of it, nor of you telling their mates you think it would have been great fun. It depends on the dynamic between you also. If your inability to get along with him has seen multiple instances of you teasing him in front of others, and if he's introverted or socially shy, I can see people thinking you might need to tread more carefully.

Ok thank you

 

[Stubbrn]

Jokes that are intended to embarrass or humiliate another are not really considered jokes by some people, like myself.

Also, probably best to leave someone else’s child out of such jokes.

At the same time, you are certainly entitled to what your version of funny is. Describing the situation as psychotic, especially when it all just occurred in your thoughts, seems like an overreaction. I would say a bit mean spirited over psychotic.

Ok thank you

 

[Stubbrn]

Hard to say. The only two things that come to mind might be:

1) Some people are simply quite averse at practical jokes of any kind.

2) The subject matter may have inadvertently upset someone over something that happened to them that you were unaware of.

Ok thank you

 

[Stubbrn]

There are multiple layers to this, which might be making it more difficult to analyze.

1. The structure of the conversation as described was already a serious problem
2. That wasn't a joke. I get that it may have been an Aspie thing with you, and that you've seen really stupid things in movies, but it's not possible for that to be funny
3. Don't involve external parties, especially other people's children, an anything remotely like this. Note that this isn't about whether the children understand or not.
4. There are subjects that should never be discussed in M/F conversations, and there are secrets about other people that should never ever be shared with others. This was a completely unacceptable subject.
5. I'm sad to say there's more to this list, but I'll stop here.

So why were you called "psychotic"?

Again, I get that it might have been an Aspie thing with you, but the people who do this kind of thing in real life are usually on the "dark triad" at best:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_triad
You need to read that article. You won't be able to contextualize it fully, but read it carefully anyway.

You should not display any of their characteristic behaviors ever to anybody, including people you strongly dislike.

People who recognize those behaviors and see it in another person will never trust the other person again.
And they won't (or at least shouldn't) tell you about it - the best response is: politely disengage, permanent "no contact".

If it was me I'd go a bit further, but this isn't necessarily ideal: I'd also advise anybody I trust (close friends, trustworthy family members) to permanently avoid that person.
:
:
I don't mind expanding a bit on this post , but I would need to be sure (a) you're actually an Aspie, and (b) you're genuinely looking to fix this (which won't be easy).

Hmm ok thank you. I'll take a look at this article for sure.

 

[Judge]

Humor is horribly subjective. Whether the average person launches a joke that backfires, or a well-known comedian crashes and burns on stage.

Given how broad such a subject can be in terms of whether it succeeds or fails, I wouldn't beat yourself up too much over such an incident. But at least now you know that infra-family jokes are probably best not said to any other members of your family.

For whatever reason it seems a "taboo". And my guess is that even if approached seriously it's probably something best left alone. Some family histories can be quite "compartmentalized" , let alone secretive.

 

[Stubbrn]

@Stubbrn, the only problem that I can see, is that a joke about the child being the offspring of your brother (if you are a girl) implies an incestuous relationship between him & you.

That would not go over well.

Oh gosh no that never even crossed my mind. In my head when I was thinking about it I certainly wasn't going to introduce myself as his sister first though I can see how that might of looked. Thank you for your reply!!

 

[Stubbrn]

Humor is horribly subjective. Whether the average person launches a joke that backfires, or a well-known comedian crashes and burns on stage.

Given how broad such a subject can be in terms of whether it succeeds or fails, I wouldn't beat yourself up too much over such an incident. But at least now you know that infra-family jokes are probably best not said to any other members of your family.

For whatever reason it seems a "taboo". And my guess is that even if approached seriously it's probably something best left alone.

Yes I definitely won't be doing anything like this again and it definitely seems like whether people think it's good or bad etc varies depending on the person. I'd rather a clear yes or no but I get that it's subjective so I've reached out to my brother and asked if it hurt him to see if he explains it maybe it will make sense. It was never my intention to hurt him as I just generally thought it was funny but obviously I misjudged on that one.

 

[Stubbrn]

From what I read, you didn't actually TELL the joke, you just told the story that you were thinking of it, but decided not to. That, to me, shows perhaps a bit of over-sharing, but no cruelty. After all, you decided NOT to make the joke.
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Whether or not the joke was in bad taste is a moot point, as you did not do it.
.
So to me, you did nothing wrong. Had you gone through with the joke, it may have not been so good. Telling about how you almost did, that is just a story.

See that's kinda my original view. I didn't actually do it because I know that the actual joke could have been taken very poorly so it was just a funny story that I shared that sounded ok in my head. And that's kinda what I thought everyone would think because it was just a funny story. Obviously not everyone agrees with that but live and learn I suppose. Thank you for you response and hopefully I didn't respond to this twice

 

[tazz]

The way you've described it doesn't imply an incestuous relationship at all. I really think (with respect to everyone here) that's just a misunderstanding.

If you were thinking to say "I'm his sister and this is our baby" then that would imply incest and I think that would quite rightly be in very bad taste - so don't do that! But pretending to be someone else who is not related and making a joke about this being his baby is not anywhere near implying anything incestuous.