Social skills training

[Aspychata]

Aspies in my text are those who already have good technical skills and need to work on their social skills.



There are ways to be more ourselves and still fit, so its less tiring. Also once some social mechanics are understood, less energy is drained from that interaction. So its still draining to me, but less draining than before and with better results.

Some unstructured interactions with people and dinamics that I dont understand still hit me really hard, like you and @Thinx describe.

To me, l think we are all different. I appear fine in structured situations because l have held endless jobs dealing with the public. But it doesn't change the turmoil l feel afterwards. It's whom l am.

 

[Jordy]

You are not going to learn your way out of autism.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

You are not going to learn your way out of autism.

No you cannot, but you can eventually mitigate its effects. I am glad that I tried and managed to have a pleasant life with my spouse who I still adore.

 

[Jordy]

No you cannot, but you can eventually mitigate its effects. I am glad that I tried and managed to have a pleasant life with my spouse who I still adore.

Thats very nice.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Thats very nice.

Nice. It put a smile on my face. Between my spouse and I, I cannot help but think that we were connected by the red string of fate and our meeting could not have been prevented.
The Red String of Fate: A beautiful Japanese legend

 

[Atrapa Almas]

I'd be very interested to see anything you've found that's available online.

Well, I will put here some resources that were usefull to me. I am tempted to start a thread about "Social Skill and Self Growth resources" where we can build a lot of colective good resources. Similar to the Autism books thread. Let me know if you think this is a good idea to work on it.

So, resources avaiable online. There we go:

• How to win friends and influence others. This helped me to understand what people do expect of me and what are their needs to be satisfied so they can be friendly with me. How to Win Friends and Influence People - Wikipedia

• The Knight in Rusty Armor. This was recomended to me by my teacher of a leadership course and helped me a lot to be more flexible. This was a previous step to want to learn more. Its not about social skills, but flexibility is important. Bonus: Its very short and easy to read. The Knight in Rusty Armor by Robert Fisher

• Nonviolent communication. This was part of a coaching course, and was worth more than the whole course to me. This is a great, proven way to communication, step by step, that I could practice to improve both listening, self emotional awarenes and talking. Bonus: Can be used to de-scalate conflicts with violent people. Nonviolent Communication - Wikipedia

• The inner Game of Tennis. This was also part of the coaching course. The author is considered to be the creator of coaching. There are various books of the "Inner Game of..." I read the inner Game of Work and was also very helpfull to develop the proper mindsed to keep learning and advancing towards my goals. There is not a "Inner Game of Socials Skills", but the principles are easy to adapt to whatever goal you have. HOME - The Inner Game

• The personal MBA. This is a list that was done so people with self-learn drive would not get lost in the forest of books that offers you to get to the next level. The list takes some of the very best books on different topics that are related with bussines magament and administration. That goes from bussines creation to sales (social skills here), human mind, behavioral change, communication, influence, leadership... Every book I read from that list was trully worth for me. Bonus: The personal MBA book takes many of those gems and gives a very nice view of the topics on the list, for those interested in bussiness. The Personal MBA Recommended Reading List - 99 Best Business Books

There are many more things I learn that helped me on my way, but Im becoming sleepy and I dont know if this efford will be of help to you.

I think this because many of you seem to consider that its not worth to try, and those who think it is worth to try, already did and had success... so I will stop here for now, lets see if this gives you some value before I go deeper.

 

[Matthias]

You are not going to learn your way out of autism.

You can do far more than you realize. Improving my emotional intelligence didn't cause my social or communications difficulties to go away but it made it much easier to understand people and relationships which greatly reduced my social anxiety, anger, and frustration dealing with people. As a result, some of my social interactions that were stressful and exhausting in the past are now pleasant and rewarding.

 

[Fino]

Exposure has helped me a lot. There has been negative reinforcement and positive reinforcement. People would laugh at things I did wrong, which taught me how to do it right. Then there were the kind people who just explained it. Copying people is also helpful.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

You can do far more than you realize. Improving my emotional intelligence didn't cause my social or communications difficulties to go away but it made it much easier to understand people and relationships which greatly reduced my social anxiety, anger, and frustration dealing with people. As a result, some of my social interactions that were stressful and exhausting in the past are now pleasant and rewarding.

Nearly self evident!!! Once I was out of Grad School and started working in technical areas, my performance was appreciated and anything coming along socially for the ride was accepted. That gave me enough emotional headroom that I could learn social skills nearly by trial and error, with a bit of reading thrown in, and then, three years later met my future spouse at a time I was confident about my future. Ultimately my last work in Pharmaceutical Quality/Validation was such that I was valued because I worked to support engineering responsible for overseas projects, and I was in demand. I was able to save Engineering $400,000 or more beyond my salary on some projects. My reputation was such that I was trusted by those above and below me, and I left trained people behind, so I was trusted to speak truth to power. I was in my element and found I had a talent for applied statistics in process testing and quality. Previously I was poor at maths. Now retired, I am feeling very social along with helping my community with things like serving on my Township's Planning Commission, or being its Election Chair. (yes, we are that sparse, only around 750 voters in my Township) and doing stream surveys with the Conservation District.

 

[Slim Jim]

It's not just social skills. It's managing your internal reactions, representations, and being aware of your effect on others. Which can be especially hard for those on the spectrum, as we show deficits in these areas. No one is born perfect. This is an acquired skill. Don't let your ego, think that it knows everything, or a lack of self respect tell you that it's impossible, we need to learn these things.

 

[harrietjansson]

One thing that I have experienced is that if you are asked to do more exposure than skills training then the teacher/guide is really not good at what he/she is doing. What I see as a big issue is that if you want to be good at being in groups you are just supposed to be in groups (this is exposure).
I find that a lot of team building events or group learning start with the idea that people are good at being in groups. People assume that too many things are super easy. This is why we get too much exposure and too little skills focus. And how do we practice social skills? In groups they say...and I don't know any other way really. What do you think?
So if you want to become better at social skills you must do it in groups and are there good groups? How would that be different from learning acting skills as social skills is a lot about acting? The NT person greeting the cashier is acting. It's not something you do naturally unless you know the person. NTs might just be better at it. But ASD people are said to be better at doing it on a stage, ie real theatre.
But even theatre training can be a bit "let's not focus on specific skills as you already are good at body language and stuff like that...".
What do you think is helpful?

 

[Slim Jim]

First you get the knowledge, then you get the experience, then you get the skills.

 

[Darkkin]

I can imagine acting training would help with some things

This line right here sums up the root of every ND struggle while trying to assimilate into an extroverted NT world. This summarizes the ingrained mindset about why autism needs to be cured and/or corrected. We are not mistakes, we (NDs) should not have to take acting classes to be considered reasonable human beings.

Masking is one of the most devestating and most ingrained survival skills autistic use. It is one of the leading causes of depression, shutdowns, and burnouts among members of the community.

I work retail, but I'm also dealing with a special interest (books), so I have a little more leeway in my 'quirkiness'. The breadth and speed of my recall is disconcerting to some people because it is atypical, but it makes me very good at my job.

I will also acknowledge that I have a fair bit of privilege in some respects. (White, middle class, well educated, passably pretty female.) When people see me, I'm nonthreatening, highly articulate, if a bit aloof. I can mask well enough to pass for 'normal'. And I know that I have a much easier time of 'passing' than a vast majority of my autistic peers. I also know the weight of my own mask. I can only imagine how it is for other.

There is a recent book out 'What to Say Next' by Sarah and Larry Nannery that takes a look at autistic interactions in a neurotypical society.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I can mask well enough to pass for 'normal'. And I know that I have a much easier time of 'passing' than a vast majority of my autistic peers. I also know the weight of my own mask.

That was both a blessing and a curse. Growing up in the '50s and '60s autism was rarely diagnosed. With my intelligence, people thought I was normal, and, except for some bullying in Jr. High, I managed to fly under the radar. The great negative of passing for normal was that people thought my social behavior was by choice at times when I felt isolated and lonely. Yet, people could see that I was not in any relationship nor did I have any prospects for one. I never knew how to ask for help, and so never received help. It took a crisis as I was trying to learn my identity to force me to change and learn social skills. I honestly cannot fathom how impoverished my life would have been if I had not put in the work to understand and ultimately enjoy, the social.