Solid advice on a proper response to a expert Narcissist...

[LucyPurrs]

Sitting here scratching my head... Knowing there is logic in what you said, but it hasnt clicked just yet... : )

Maybe he means the worst thing you can do to them is cut yourself off from them but it's the best for you?

 

[LucyPurrs]

What @LucyPurrs said. Remind me to send you a copy of the book, "Interpreting What the Heck Sportster is Trying to Say." I tend to confuse people by leaving out info or adding unnecessary info. The easiest way to put it is "I had an Aspie moment."

We all have those moments Sportster XD.

 

[Suzanne]

Its in my name (hence the problem).

Not the same relationship, but birth mother said when I was about 16 ( maybe). Can I use your name to get a television? She could not use her name, because it was black listed. I said that I felt very uncomfortable with that, because how do I know she won't get me black listed, because it will be in my name, even if she is paying? She PROMISED me with motherly eyes, that she could never do that to her daughter.... for years, I was black listed for anything I wanted to purchase! It took marriage to get me out of the situation, because NO ONE would give me a chance and I had the instinct feeling it would be useless to say it was mother.

Now the thing is here, and it is all very well to give advice, rather than taking, but the car doesn't belong to her anyway and so, you actually have the ABSOLUTE right to remove it from her and fix it. She is making you feel useless, but you are not useless Chance. As Lucy says, you are a lovely man. You NEED to push her cruel words from you, because they do not belong to you.

Unfortunately, those who are in our lives, can either be a force for the good, or a force for the evil and for our own survival, we must be strong within ourselves, to couteract the blow.

I read your history, and in fact, we both have suffered horrendeously by parents, but Chance, we are strong people, because we keep trying to find ways to live.

It makes one shake their head, when they have been through and dreadful childhood and only to find a relationship that is almost as dreadful.

She is manipulating you, because in her eyes you betrayed her. She met this amazing guy and he was showering love, but she began to see that you were "hiding" something and when it comes out that you are autistic, that is a terrible afrontry to her person and so, she is making you suffer, for her mistaken ideals about you. And because you are a peaceful man, you are battered down by her; but one thing I am learning about this world we live in, it is not a nice world and sadly, we cannot expect it all to fall into place for us.

My faith keeps me from going insane. Helps me to be realistic about others. Helps me to function. I would be no where if it was not for Jehovah!

 

[Chance]

What @LucyPurrs said. Remind me to send you a copy of the book, "Interpreting What the Heck Sportster is Trying to Say." I tend to confuse people by leaving out info or adding unnecessary info. The easiest way to put it is "I had an Aspie moment."

I do the same thing all the time (especially in real life)... Its like I think people are supposed to understand what I don't understand myself... : )

 

[Chance]

Not the same relationship, but birth mother said when I was about 16 ( maybe). Can I use your name to get a television? She could not use her name, because it was black listed. I said that I felt very uncomfortable with that, because how do I know she won't get me black listed, because it will be in my name, even if she is paying? She PROMISED me with motherly eyes, that she could never do that to her daughter.... for years, I was black listed for anything I wanted to purchase! It took marriage to get me out of the situation, because NO ONE would give me a chance and I had the instinct feeling it would be useless to say it was mother.

Now the thing is here, and it is all very well to give advice, rather than taking, but the car doesn't belong to her anyway and so, you actually have the ABSOLUTE right to remove it from her and fix it. She is making you feel useless, but you are not useless Chance. As Lucy says, you are a lovely man. You NEED to push her cruel words from you, because they do not belong to you.

Unfortunately, those who are in our lives, can either be a force for the good, or a force for the evil and for our own survival, we must be strong within ourselves, to couteract the blow.

I read your history, and in fact, we both have suffered horrendeously by parents, but Chance, we are strong people, because we keep trying to find ways to live.

It makes one shake their head, when they have been through and dreadful childhood and only to find a relationship that is almost as dreadful.

She is manipulating you, because in her eyes you betrayed her. She met this amazing guy and he was showering love, but she began to see that you were "hiding" something and when it comes out that you are autistic, that is a terrible afrontry to her person and so, she is making you suffer, for her mistaken ideals about you. And because you are a peaceful man, you are battered down by her; but one thing I am learning about this world we live in, it is not a nice world and sadly, we cannot expect it all to fall into place for us.

My faith keeps me from going insane. Helps me to be realistic about others. Helps me to function. I would be no where if it was not for Jehovah!

You just gave me the ability to see something I haven't noticed before... THANK YOU!
Sometimes I think only people who can deeply personally relate to some of the sick stuff that people have gone through can get on a level to comprehend what it feels like to be so hated, or hurt.

You said she noticed I was "hiding something" ... I have never stopped and truly looked at it that way, but your right! I wish I could sort of see what she sees from her perspective, but I just cant do that very well. I try to "put myself in others shoes" and it just feels like this lie... It don't work well for me, but I try.

I have tried to hide tons of stuff all my LIFE, and I think I use most all my energy hiding it, and any other energy trying to communicate like a half normal human...

I hide the abuse, the ASD, the OCD, the PTSD... all of that stuff because I don't want to made fun of, or have people pity me... So in some weird way I am basically a FAKE all the way around BUT not by choice... Its my only protection from the type of people who hurt me as soon as I came into this existence. I am basically terrified of people, but I try not to ever let that show.

Sometimes (even as a grown man) I don't see people... I see monsters, very real monsters who just look like people. And even worse, as I have gotten older, I can sense them much easier than when I could as a kid. Some of them though are just like me, they hide their curse/glitch very very well behind their own fake wall.

When I get worn down, I don't even have the energy to hold that fake wall up, or defend myself, and most the time just no longer care. Thats when real Chance shows up as this fragile guy who has some issues. Overtime this "HIDING" got so hard, and so tiring, IT exposed itself when I started having massive panic attacks and stuff... BUT instead of her loving me through it, she started hating me because she saw my weak side I guess.

She has always known I had "issues" but I think I hid them so well that she didn't really see how big those issues really are. So in some twisted way (never meaning too)... Maybe I sort of deceived her and never meant to, wanted to, or even noticed that I was doing that at the time.

I wish I could somehow explain this to her, but it might even make it worse...

Thanks Suzanne... : )

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

cant win... Its never been in the cards for me to win at anything... I just try and survive it, thats all I know to do.

You are winning.
Winning hurts.
As long as you define the reality you're living in.

Losing is letting others define you.

Self doubt is okay, its not something to solve, its something to live with as you go.

Do you think even Jesus was free from self doubt?
Do you think he was 'im walking on the water, suckers'

Or was it more 'man,im so going to sink at any second'

Im going with the second one - the chance version - he still did it though.

 

[Suzanne]

Sometimes I think only people who can deeply personally relate to some of the sick stuff that people have gone through can get on a level to comprehend what it feels like to be so hated, or hurt.

I have wanted to deny this statement, because it just does not sit very nice with me, but sadly, the reality is that this is true. Just

Recently, a spiritual sister said pretty much the same thing and she is an nt.

My birth mother has done very well in smearing my name and apparently she gets away with it, because I live in a different country. In fact, she gets away with it, because my sister is a replica of her and rather believe what the hated woman says, than believe her sister, who has proven countless of times that she is authentic and to be blunt here, because of me, the abuse on her stopped!

I had no choice but to separate myself completely from my family ie siblings and their children, because it was too mentally exhausting for me, but just this morning, received a facebook message from one of our nieces who wants to come and see us. Our last communication was her slamming me and that was close to two years and here she is, just saying those words, that completely threw me. I very nearly typed: why? But hubby stopped me and advised me to not say that, so instead I just reminded her that our lives are vastly different to what she is used to ( absolutely no boundries). But I find myself in limbo now. Will she respond? What if she doesn't? What if she does? What do I say? How can I be an auntie, when I feel so completely alien from all this? I am an apsie and she is nt and also has a foul mouth; how can I cope? And so forth.

hiding something" ... I have never stopped and truly looked at it that way, but your right! I wish I could sort of see what she sees from her perspective, but I just cant do that very well. I try to "put myself in others shoes" and it just feels like this lie... It don't work well for me, but I try.

My husband said to me this morning: I was displaying emotion and you just stood on it! All it was, was that I said my and quickly corrected and said: our niece, but he blew up at me for that and I tried to reason that not so long ago, he said: I will only be a few minutes and then quickly changed to: sorry, I mean: I will only be 10 minutes. But I did not react badly. I thanked him for that. But my husband would not let me explain and eventially when I did manage to explain and said: but why not respond to it? He said: I was feeling emotional and you ignored it. I had to then bit my lip and try and calm myself down and say: I am sorry for that. The thing is, I do not always see the emotion.

It is ten times worse when they expect us to understand them, but Chance, it takes two to make a marriage and basically, she is demanding it all on you and nothing from her part! That makes me feel sick, because it is soooo unfair!

So in some weird way I am basically a FAKE

It is rather interesting, because I have always hidden the fact I have social phobia. Because of feeling such a enormous sense of shame, and yes, a sense of being fake ( never thought of that before) and would explain a sense of I am not being authentic, which does not sit well.

I don't see people... I see monsters, very real monsters who just look like people.

YES, that is exactly how it feels, Chance. Sadly, it is not sometimes, in fact the sometimese comes into play for seeing the person and not the monster. Just makes me want to hide away, but cruely, all that does is make me yearn for "monsters".

When I get worn down, I don't even have the energy to hold that fake wall up, or defend myself,

This happens when I get promises and they do not hold true and I am left reeling.



She may feel you are deceiving her, but that belongs to her and not you, Chance. She had a perception of you that did not come a reality and so, she is holding you responsible for her lacking and it is convenient to make an insecure person feel that it is all about them, but the facts are, she is the insecure one and somehow you have to start believing that yourself, in order for you to show her that she has no hold over you.

 

[Chance]

I was just in the shower and "thinking"... Maybe humanity has somehow evolved from simple LOVE or HATE (with a lot middle ground) to an ACCEPTANCE or EXPECTATION type of human emotion grading system... (with not much middle ground)

Neither of which I can fully understand or comprehend... but it was spinning around in my head.

Whatever it was, it gave this "FEELING." I am no better then they are in a twisted way.

I sort of feel "ugly" or "wrong" over this whole thing... Yet I am truly trying to figure out LIFE in this process... Whereas to the best of my knowledge, most people simply don't worry about it. Maybe I worry too much over it...

BUT a Narcissist (as mean as they can be) they have a mental or chemical disorder in them also - basically just like we have in us (yet of course very different in nature)... When I look at things like this it makes me feel sort of sick inside.

I am here (trying not to bash) but exposing another persons deficits and my dislike for how they act... In a moral mirror, thats what has been done to me all my life, with of course massively amplified actions added to it... Nevertheless its all the same awful circle of EXPECTATIONS AND UN-ACCEPTANCE.

I would give about anything to be understood and accepted for who I really am...
Maybe they would give anything to have what it takes to be kind...

If I just knew how to bridge that gap without being berated or humiliated...
A near miracle might take place. : )

 

[Chance]

This thread may yield other insights to narcissists:

https://www.autismforums.com/threads/survivors-of-narcissistic-mothers.20569/#post-398769

Thanks Sport... I had read it before but I read it again because its unthinkably accurate if I remove your mother and place my wife in the subject line... It just makes me sad that people seem to have to be very different that they mostly becomes enemies, when down deep I still care deeply for her.

Thank you...

 

[Mia]

I went to Out of the Fog... I just read a few posts... People are crazy! This might sound "retarded" but that format??? Its tough for me, and I don't know why. Maybe there is so much going on on one page? Not even sure.

All you need to do there is go to the Toolbox and right click the drop down. It will give you some things to read and information on personality disorders, which will help you become more aware of the manipulations. For now, that's all you should attempt to do. Knowing what will and can happen will arm you with information. With that information, you'll know what to expect.