Somniphobia

[Chance]

I worry that I post too much on here... I'm sorry if I do, please just ignore it. I just do it to get stuff off of me and it seems to help. I have a whole life where I never felt I was allowed to speak, and if I did it better be what people want to hear, or I would pay dearly for it... that alone haunts me.

Those days of course are long gone, but the residual of those days... I don't guess will never go away in this life.

Every now and then I get stuck on stuff... Its obvious, and I cant imagine people here not noticing it horribly, so I figure I might as well just be honest about it.

Like tonight... I sometimes (without any real warning) get this fear of going to sleep. I get worried I wont wake back up. Maybe its because I'm not done here yet. I feel like I just started living my own life after being locked inside myself for half of it...

I'm not sure what it is, or what triggers it. Some chemical dump from some subconscious thinking probably, but thats not so easy to trace out on a whelm.

It wasn't that anyone was ugly to me today. I had a great day... I had a really great day. Maybe that alone triggered it somehow.

Its sometimes like my physical part of my existence cant stand for me to be happy. Sometimes when this happens (not always) a nasty battle with that "fun thing" we call depression is lurking... That has me a little upset just because I have been here enough times that I sort of have a mental map of what could come... And I don't know how to stop it.

I want to cry out that it isn't fair... But I know there are countless wonderful people who struggle 1000's of times harder than I do, and they don't have any one there for them either...

So instead I try and stay strong in honor of them. They are sort of like my lost brothers and sisters in this neurological Neverland. I feel what they feel, and there is nothing that I know that I can do about it. Except face it and stay strong.

I do know Somniphobia is part of a mass of anxiety disorders and its tied to the fear of dying thing we have when we are having a panic attack, but I'm not having a panic attack...

Maybe this is what happens when the panic attack never shows up, just the residual of it hangs out to haunt us...

If anyone has issues with this, or just wants to join me in my lameness... Feel free say whats in your head, or in your heart... I think I will go plaster the walls of "What are you listening too right now" with my musical graffiti... : )

 

[Streetwise]

I worry that I post too much on here... I'm sorry if I do, please just ignore it. I just do it to get stuff off of me and it seems to help. I have a whole life where I never felt I was allowed to speak, and if I did it better be what people want to hear, or I would pay dearly for it... that alone haunts me.

Those days of course are long gone, but the residual of those days... I don't guess will ever go away in this life.

Every now and then I get stuck on stuff... Its obvious, and I cant imagine people here not noticing it horribly, so I figure I might as well just be honest about it.

Like tonight... I sometimes (without any real warning) get this fear of going to sleep. I get worried I wont wake back up. Maybe its because I'm not done here yet. I feel like I just started living my own life after being locked inside myself for half of it...

I'm not sure what it is, or what triggers it. Some chemical dump from some subconscious thinking probably, but thats not so easy to trace out on a whelm.

It wasn't that anyone was ugly to me today. I had a great day... I had a really great day. Maybe that alone triggered it somehow.

Its sometimes like my physical part of my existence cant stand for me to be happy. Sometimes when this happens (not always) a nasty battle with that "fun thing" we call depression is lurking... That has me a little upset just because I have been here enough times that I sort of have a mental map of what could come... And I don't know how to stop it.

I want to cry out that it isn't fair... But I know there are countless wonderful people who struggle 1000's of times harder than I do, and they don't have any one there for them either...

So instead I try and stay strong in honor of them. They are sort of like my lost brothers and sisters in this neurological Neverland. I feel what they feel, and there is nothing that I know that I can do about it. Except face it and stay strong.

I do know Somniphobia is part of a mass of anxiety disorders and its tied to the fear of dying thing we have when we are having a panic attack, but I'm not having a panic attack...

Maybe this is what happens when the panic attack never shows up, just the residual of it hangs out to haunt us...

If anyone has issues with this, or just wants to join me in my lameness... Feel free say whats in your head, or in your heart... I think I will go plaster the walls of "What are you listening too right now" with my musical graffiti... : )

i know in newborn babies they forget to breathe ,sometimes that's why some people get the feeling when they go to sleep like they are falling - it's to remind you to breathe ! chance panic !just panic !if you don't like the feeling of something panic !don't not do it !but panic !while you're doing that don't hold it in ! it will help with depression .
that's what I'm doing at this minute ,i've started to feel better about it ,you just start to feel better ,I don't like it ,my brain doesn't like it !but I'm feeling better !,it makes me personally sit down !or stand still !if you don't panic as much as I do just say to yourself it will get better !
this isnt the logic I have heard of ,it probably is but I just haven't heard of it.
now I'm going to work out if I can drag myself to the shops.

 

[Suzanne]

Chance, don't you EVER apolgise for the amount of threads you post. It is the amount that we aspies post, that make this forum different to any other and that is the reason why we joined; to have a voice and be appreciated, but I do get you, because I cringe if I see too many of me on here.

I have experienced that too ie fear of going to sleep. It does not happen often, which I am grateful for, but I think it comes down to being aware of sleep itself, that causes the suddenly infux of fear.

 

[Streetwise]

Chance, don't you EVER apolgise for the amount of threads you post. It is the amount that we aspies post, that make this forum different to any other and that is the reason why we joined; to have a voice and be appreciated, but I do get you, because I cringe if I see too many of me on here.

I have experienced that too ie fear of going to sleep. It does not happen often, which I am grateful for, but I think it comes down to being aware of sleep itself, that causes the suddenly infux of fear.

i've been a member just over a year and look at the amount of posts I have people must think I'm a complete hypochondriac

 

[WereBear]

When we are in a low mood, anything looks frightening.

 

[Beguiling Orbit]

Irrational fears suck. Sometimes, when I'm driving on a two-lane highway, I start thinking, "what is preventing this car that's coming my way from swerving into my lane and killing us both?" It hasn't happened to me yet, but I suppose it could.

Even so, it's highly unlikely that it will. Sometimes I have to remind myself of that.

 

[Gritches]

My flaw is that I try to fix peoples' problems for them. I won't do that here, but I have something you might find useful:

In the course of my studies of abnormal psychology, I found something interesting once: some people with depression experience greater depression in the morning and a slight relief from depression in the evening, because the nearing of sleep subconsciously approximates the nearing of death; that is to say, sleep is subconsciously like a simulation of death.

Not saying depression has anything to do with it, but if you fear death a great deal, there's actually a body of proof there that you might be fearing sleep as a transference of your fear of death. Food for thought.

 

[Streetwise]

I worry that I post too much on here... I'm sorry if I do, please just ignore it. I just do it to get stuff off of me and it seems to help. I have a whole life where I never felt I was allowed to speak, and if I did it better be what people want to hear, or I would pay dearly for it... that alone haunts me.

Those days of course are long gone, but the residual of those days... I don't guess will never go away in this life.

Every now and then I get stuck on stuff... Its obvious, and I cant imagine people here not noticing it horribly, so I figure I might as well just be honest about it.

Like tonight... I sometimes (without any real warning) get this fear of going to sleep. I get worried I wont wake back up. Maybe its because I'm not done here yet. I feel like I just started living my own life after being locked inside myself for half of it...

I'm not sure what it is, or what triggers it. Some chemical dump from some subconscious thinking probably, but thats not so easy to trace out on a whelm.

It wasn't that anyone was ugly to me today. I had a great day... I had a really great day. Maybe that alone triggered it somehow.

Its sometimes like my physical part of my existence cant stand for me to be happy. Sometimes when this happens (not always) a nasty battle with that "fun thing" we call depression is lurking... That has me a little upset just because I have been here enough times that I sort of have a mental map of what could come... And I don't know how to stop it.

I want to cry out that it isn't fair... But I know there are countless wonderful people who struggle 1000's of times harder than I do, and they don't have any one there for them either...

So instead I try and stay strong in honor of them. They are sort of like my lost brothers and sisters in this neurological Neverland. I feel what they feel, and there is nothing that I know that I can do about it. Except face it and stay strong.

I do know Somniphobia is part of a mass of anxiety disorders and its tied to the fear of dying thing we have when we are having a panic attack, but I'm not having a panic attack...

Maybe this is what happens when the panic attack never shows up, just the residual of it hangs out to haunt us...

If anyone has issues with this, or just wants to join me in my lameness... Feel free say whats in your head, or in your heart... I think I will go plaster the walls of "What are you listening too right now" with my musical graffiti... : )

what you call lameness is just a mixture of autism and anxiety and insecurity wrapped up in an American English term.
least you're not panicked by everything people say to you

 

[WereBear]

In the course of my studies of abnormal psychology, I found something interesting once: some people with depression experience greater depression in the morning and a slight relief from depression in the evening, because the nearing of sleep subconsciously approximates the nearing of death; that is to say, sleep is subconsciously like a simulation of death.

Alternately, it could simply mean relief from the struggles of the day... or are people depressed in their dreams, too?

I am simply reminded of an interview with a person who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge in a suicide attempt, and survived. He said that on the way down he had time to realize he could solve every problem in his life... except this one.

 

[Chance]

what you call lameness is just a mixture of autism and anxiety and insecurity wrapped up in an American English term.
least you're not panicked by everything people say to you

Sometimes I think even IF I could cure the most horrible of things in this existence I would still feel useless inside... I think its just knowing I was never wanted and that became sort of concrete. It creeps up on me, and just mentally beats the crap out of me, just like in the days it was real.

I try so hard to replace those thoughts, but its simply not easy to replace something that happened on that level, with something I have to pretend is true...My brain sees it as another lie and another way to get hurt I guess.

I will get past it... I always do... : )

 

[Chance]

Alternately, it could simply mean relief from the struggles of the day... or are people depressed in their dreams, too?

I am simply reminded of an interview with a person who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge in a suicide attempt, and survived. He said that on the way down he had time to realized he could solve every problem in his life... except this one.

I am so glad he survived and was able to remember that... This guy might have a secret that we all need to understand... : )

 

[Gritches]

Alternately, it could simply mean relief from the struggles of the day... or are people depressed in their dreams, too?

I am simply reminded of an interview with a person who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge in a suicide attempt, and survived. He said that on the way down he had time to realized he could solve every problem in his life... except this one.

That's a really good point, an excellent question, and an inspirational story. I don't remember that my source mentioned anything about dreams, just the phenomenon I mentioned. I'm going to look into it, I'm curious now

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I'm sorry if I do, please just ignore it.

Alternately, it could simply mean relief from the struggles of the day... or are people depressed in their dreams, too?

I am simply reminded of an interview with a person who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge in a suicide attempt, and survived. He said that on the way down he had time to realized he could solve every problem in his life... except this one.

That was a line in a song i wrote years ago..

'So i jumped and half way down i changed my mind..'

 

[WereBear]

I think suicide ideation is not about wanting death. It is about wanting the depression to stop. It's brain-pain, and that is very serious.

Depression gets on top of us because it undermines our ability to do something about anything.

Last night, I woke up at 3 AM with a whole cluster of problems preying on my mind; my car is snowed in, and I have a stupid work thing to attend this evening, amid my usual exhaustion, and deadlines looming... and I couldn't get back to sleep.

Fortunately, there is something I can DO. I put 200mg of pregnenolone under my tongue and went right to sleep, woke up much better.

For me, at least, low hormone levels are what trigger these panicky-attacks (they are not full blown panic attacks, but they can become one.) Because pregnenolone is a hormone precursor, it is not a hormone itself. It supplies the cement that my brain can make into walls and floors and coffee tables; it lets my brain figure out what it needs.

And then it can do what it needs.

 

[LucyPurrs]

For starters, I don't really have any right to say this because I'm an NT and so don't feel like I can consider myself as a full fledged member here but I hope you will continue to post as much or more as you are doing and as you need/want to. Your posts are never boring, always wonderfully open and honest and so, for me at least, really refreshing to read.

I am wondering if this is self-sabotage because at some level you have internalized you are not worth anything , especially happiness. So when you have a happy day the self corrects to eliminate that, in this case with the fear of sleeping/insomnia.

That message, that you are not worth anything, needs to get corrected. This is easier said than done but keep in mind that just because your parents, family or whoever told you so , doesn't mean it's true. It's hard because when we are children our lives depend on our caregivers so we see them as all knowing. Part of "growing up" is being able to objectively evaluate what you were told by caregivers and correct misinformation. Some people never get there but I believe you will.

See my latest POTF entry on the song list.

 

[Chance]

self-sabotage because at some level you have internalized you are not worth anything

Probably 100% correct on self sabotage, its just getting past that... I try and do it everyday. I do all I can to the very best of my ability to prove to myself, and those around me that I am more than nothing. People never seem to get me, or why I act how I act. So its just this circle of doubt, guilt, fear, uncertainty, masking who I am to try and fit in, trying to fake that I am strong, and then to try and out work, and out think every person around me just to feel alive.. Then people wonder why I just fall asleep the second I set down sometimes... Or that I truly become exhausted way past what people call "tired."

Saturday, I feel asleep while we were eating dinner. My arms slipped and I nearly planted my face into my plate... This is how exhausted I get and do so often. Then it all switches on me, even though I may be exhausted I somehow fear going to sleep. So basically I have been up for 33 hours with just a couple few minute doze offs, that I jumped up after I caught myself sleeping...

In this "cycle" if it goes as normal... About 4-6pm today I will crash. My body will give it up, and I will sleep like a baby till about 4:44 tomorrow morning... Don't ask me why 4:44 its just this thing my body does and notices all the "time..."

I always seem to KNOW when its 12:34 and I go to lunch then. I will look at the clock and it will be 1:11, or 3:33, or 5:55... Its just a numbers thing with me. Its a mental game I play with the universe... KNOWING the universe cares nothing about mans earth time. : )

 

[LucyPurrs]

Probably 100% correct on self sabotage, its just getting past that... I try and do it everyday. I do all I can to the very best of my ability to prove to myself, and those around me that I am more than nothing. People never seem to get me, or why I act how I act. So its just this circle of doubt, guilt, fear, uncertainty, masking who I am to try and fit in, trying to fake that I am strong, and then to try and out work, and out think every person around me just to feel alive.. Then people wonder why I just fall asleep the second I set down sometimes... Or that I truly become exhausted way past what people call "tired."

Saturday, I feel asleep while we were eating dinner. My arms slipped and I nearly planted my face into my plate... This is how exhausted I get and do so often. Then it all switches on me, even though I may be exhausted I somehow fear going to sleep. So basically I have been up for 33 hours with just a couple few minute doze offs, that I jumped up after I caught myself sleeping...

In this "cycle" if it goes as normal... About 4-6pm today I will crash. My body will give it up, and I will sleep like a baby till about 4:44 tomorrow morning... Don't ask me why 4:44 its just this thing my body does and notices all the "time..."

I always seem to KNOW when its 12:34 and I go to lunch then. I will look at the clock and it will be 1:11, or 3:33, or 5:55... Its just a numbers thing with me. Its a mental game I play with the universe... KNOWING the universe cares nothing about mans earth time. : )

Hope you have this holiday off and can get caught up on sleep since fatigue seems to predispose to other unwanted things.

 

[OkRad]

I really like your posts. I agree.....don't apologize and keep posting! Posting helps me, too. No one here judges.

As to the topic, no, I dno't have that because I have been prone to insomnia, killer insomnia to the point of prefering death to it. 11 days once w/o even a minute. And 3 months once with 2 hours average a night. I never really recovered. Terrorized....

 

[OkRad]

I think suicide ideation is not about wanting death. It is about wanting the depression to stop. It's brain-pain, and that is very serious.

Depression gets on top of us because it undermines our ability to do something about anything.

Last night, I woke up at 3 AM with a whole cluster of problems preying on my mind; my car is snowed in, and I have a stupid work thing to attend this evening, amid my usual exhaustion, and deadlines looming... and I couldn't get back to sleep.

Fortunately, there is something I can DO. I put 200mg of pregnenolone under my tongue and went right to sleep, woke up much better.

For me, at least, low hormone levels are what trigger these panicky-attacks (they are not full blown panic attacks, but they can become one.) Because pregnenolone is a hormone precursor, it is not a hormone itself. It supplies the cement that my brain can make into walls and floors and coffee tables; it lets my brain figure out what it needs.

And then it can do what it needs.

Very interesting. I am looking that up now

 

[Chance]

I really like your posts. I agree.....don't apologize and keep posting! Posting helps me, too. No one here judges.

As to the topic, no, I dno't have that because I have been prone to insomnia, killer insomnia to the point of prefering death to it. 11 days once w/o even a minute. And 3 months once with 2 hours average a night. I never really recovered. Terrorized....

Oh geez... I'm all good then... I cant even fathom what you just wrote on ANY level. I will be glad to keep what I have, and even be grateful for it. I don't, and cant, even wrap my head around how your body physically survived that... I am sorry you had to deal with that and I do hope you never have to again... : (