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STANDUP COMEDY ROUTINE THREAD

Flavius, to Cicero: I'll have a martinus.
Cicero: You mean a martini.
Flavius: If I wanted two, I'd ask for them!
 
Another old person joke.
An old man is worried his wife is going deaf. She doesn't want to see a doctor, so he goes instead and asks the doctor what to do. The doctor says, "First, try to ascertain just how deaf she is. Tell her something from across the room. If she doesn't respond, move a little closer, and repeat it. If she still doesn't, move closer until she hears you."
The guy goes home. He sees his wife doing dishes in the kitchen, her back to him, and he stands in the doorway and says "I love you honey."
No response. He walks closer and repeats "I love you honey."
Still no response.
He walks so close that he is almost touching her and he says "I love you honey."
She turns around and says "For the third time, I love you too."
 
Angela, try googling wikipedia for Schrodinger's Cat. It might help you with the joke.
 
StephF said:
Schroedinger's cat walks into a bar ..... and doesn't
Click to expand...

I read it and I gotta tell ya, Steph, that one does nothing for me. I honestly still don't know the reason for the experiment. Now if you had a good "blonde cat" joke, I'd probably get that one. :D
 
The experiment means something unobserved is in two states. i.e The cat walked into the bar and also didn't at the same time.

Trust me to be geeky :p
 
This one is especially for Angela. :)

What is the difference between a Blonde and a microwave oven ?
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The microwave beeps when it is time to take the meat out ! :D
 
An Aspie was sent to the shop by his mother. "Get a loaf of bread", she said. "And if they have any eggs, get a dozen."

The Aspie came home with a dozen loaves of bread.
 
OdinTheAardvark said:
An Aspie was sent to the shop by his mother. "Get a loaf of bread", she said. "And if they have any eggs, get a dozen."

The Aspie came home with a dozen loaves of bread.
Click to expand...
Thats me solving a similar math issue in school years ago. The teacher never knew what was wrong with it.

Heisenberg went for a drive and got stopped by a traffic cop. The cop asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am."
 
apsie said:
Thats me solving a similar math issue in school years ago.
Click to expand...

True Story:

Many, many years ago, when I was at primary school, a teacher asked, "What is the difference between eleven and seven."
One of my classmates answered: "An eleven has two up and down lines, and a seven has a line across the top and a sloping line."

With hindsight, she may have been Aspie!
 
IMO it is brilliance incarnate when children say such things.
I hope they can hold on to that way of thinking, humanity needs it.

My 5 year old cousin made a comment when I was drying off after a swim: "Why do you have a beard on your chest?"
 
apsie said:
IMO it is brilliance incarnate when children say such things.
I hope they can hold on to that way of thinking, humanity needs it.

My 5 year old cousin made a comment when I was drying off after a swim: "Why do you have a beard on your chest?"
Click to expand...

A couple of comments made by children relate to the fact that I am bald and bearded.

I was visiting my mother some time ago, when my mother was looking after a friend's young daughter. The young child later told her mother: "Sally has a man who combs his face!"

My own daughter once said "Daddy has his face on upside down!"
 
StephF said:
The experiment means something unobserved is in two states. i.e The cat walked into the bar and also didn't at the same time.

Trust me to be geeky :p
Click to expand...
Actually, the experiment was to demonstrate the opposite: the absurdity of the cat being in two states.

In the case of the joke, even if the bar was empty, when the cat walked in I think it would observe it was itself alive, in which case it is. The only case in case the cat can't observe itself is if it is dead. If it's dead, and can't observe itself, then it can be alive too. But if it's alive, and observing itself, then it is alive. And I think this is why cats have nine lives. :-p

Am I geeky too, or just silly? :-)
 
The Shrodinger's cat experiment places to much power in the observers hands.
Its still funny tho.
 
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