Still waiting for a first date..

[paloftoon]

I think the best way to meet someone is to make a connection of some interest and then tell them your interest and ask them if they feel the same way 1-1. If you can't get them 1-1 easily, there's a chance they may not be interested, and have judged you from the beginning or could not level with you. Remember, a relationship is 2 way. It's not only about what you want, it's about what the other person wants and what they are willing to "put up with" too.

One thing that sucks is that people won't consider friendship. It's like all or nothing for so many. . .

 

[mikemike]

I think the best way to meet someone is to make a connection of some interest and then tell them your interest and ask them if they feel the same way 1-1. If you can't get them 1-1 easily, there's a chance they may not be interested, and have judged you from the beginning or could not level with you. Remember, a relationship is 2 way. It's not only about what you want, it's about what the other person wants and what they are willing to "put up with" too.

One thing that sucks is that people won't consider friendship. It's like all or nothing for so many. . .

Depends. My ex expressed interest in being friends after our breakup before she went off the rails. I couldn't do it. For me, with her, it was all or nothing.

 

[Mr Allen]

The OP is in their 20s and not dated? I beat that mate, I'm 40 and the nearest thing I ever went on to a date was taking a girl from school to the Cinema when I was about 15.

 

[mikemike]

The OP is in their 20s and not dated? I beat that mate, I'm 40 and the nearest thing I ever went on to a date was taking a girl from school to the Cinema when I was about 15.

That counts..

 

[ChurchTheArtist]

I'm about to hit year 29. I've had only two real relationships and dated a few different girls. Honestly, it can be just as depressing. I can explain.
Most of my dates are first dates actually; and the girls never get that second one. I'm not a "player" or whatever the devil the kids call it now a days, I've just never met many people I didn't find excruciatingly boring and... Well, thick headed. Even in the relationships I had, the dating process lacked a lot depending on the girl. I look back and know that I have had dating experience but that brings no further joy or accomplishment. It feels more sad to me that I've had the chance but just don't care for what's on the market these days. Now that I'm secluded more, it's even harder to get even a friend so...

Don't think that dating will make you feel much better. Dating the wrong people just introduces you to a different kind of problem and the more our world veers towards a "do whatever you want" mentality, it's going to be very difficult to find joy in the activity. I'd rather just not date than waste my time and money enduring someone's boring attempt to explain the meaning of life having only worked two jobs and never having read a book. Besides, people in their 20's don't seem to know who they are yet for the most part. They often go through large changes once life starts hitting even harder towards their 30s and 40s.

I guess I'm just saying 'don't sweat it, there's more to life than dating.' But you probably do get that already, I just wanted to affirm it from a different perspective.

 

[robertsomerville]

I'm too afraid to get into another relationship. They always end badly for me.
Being single is just fine. I don't need a woman to make me feel good.

 

[eonbus]

Well what are good moral standards? I think it is pretty clear looking at the world that there are no moral absolutes, if people can't agree on what is morally right or wrong universally then why are you critising others for having morals different than your own if neither is wrong or right. The dating world works well for a NT majority, for an aspie minority it is more difficult but it is still very possible to be successful.

what are good moral standards? well lets see. not having to be very false in who you are with. having good healthy communication. not being suspicious of that person. or having fights dealing with conflicts that arent very necessary. i guess relationships dont mean anything to people other than having sexual entities and no possible reason to love them ever again like looking for another bait for fishing. peoples minds have very different ideals to who they see and interact with. for some reason the main problems dont lie with having bar discussions.

 

[eonbus]

I'm about to hit year 29. I've had only two real relationships and dated a few different girls. Honestly, it can be just as depressing. I can explain.
Most of my dates are first dates actually; and the girls never get that second one. I'm not a "player" or whatever the devil the kids call it now a days, I've just never met many people I didn't find excruciatingly boring and... Well, thick headed. Even in the relationships I had, the dating process lacked a lot depending on the girl. I look back and know that I have had dating experience but that brings no further joy or accomplishment. It feels more sad to me that I've had the chance but just don't care for what's on the market these days. Now that I'm secluded more, it's even harder to get even a friend so...

Don't think that dating will make you feel much better. Dating the wrong people just introduces you to a different kind of problem and the more our world veers towards a "do whatever you want" mentality, it's going to be very difficult to find joy in the activity. I'd rather just not date than waste my time and money enduring someone's boring attempt to explain the meaning of life having only worked two jobs and never having read a book. Besides, people in their 20's don't seem to know who they are yet for the most part. They often go through large changes once life starts hitting even harder towards their 30s and 40s.

I guess I'm just saying 'don't sweat it, there's more to life than dating.' But you probably do get that already, I just wanted to affirm it from a different perspective.

and you thought you knew all about dating. now you just say its nothing anymore. not here to fight with you or prove my points. the human code of interaction is the way it is. like you said you either find yourself in your thirties or just keep living on your life until you cant really bear it or you are able to live no more.

 

[eonbus]

I think the best way to meet someone is to make a connection of some interest and then tell them your interest and ask them if they feel the same way 1-1. If you can't get them 1-1 easily, there's a chance they may not be interested, and have judged you from the beginning or could not level with you. Remember, a relationship is 2 way. It's not only about what you want, it's about what the other person wants and what they are willing to "put up with" too.

One thing that sucks is that people won't consider friendship. It's like all or nothing for so many. . .

if this advice was helpful,why is it the online dating world and real life are hard to deal with women/men?

 

[ChurchTheArtist]

and you thought you knew all about dating. now you just say its nothing anymore. not here to fight with you or prove my points. the human code of interaction is the way it is. like you said you either find yourself in your thirties or just keep living on your life until you cant really bear it or you are able to live no more.

Hehehe, well, you have a point. My post does sound a bit jaded compared to my others. Sorry about that. I recently pulled a muscle and have been both sore and low on sleep these days so I may seem a bit more gloomy than I usually am.

All I meant was that the grass is always greener on the other side. Dating isn't what makes dating fun; dating the right person is. If someone feels bummed for not having had a date, it's not really all bad. Fewer relationships statistically means fewer breakups and fewer heartbreaks. But I guess I'm not really on my A-game, on top of the fact that my points usually don't get heard even when I am.

That being said- I still know a lot about both dating and people. I never, however, said I knew all. But that's okay. I know a lot and I try to help when I can but if I am growing jaded about anything it's really towards my being here in general. Doesn't seem like it's bringing any good conversations my way like I had hoped.

 

[paloftoon]

if this advice was helpful,why is it the online dating world and real life are hard to deal with women/men?

It can help a person get a perspective on reality. There is no one answer to getting an actual quality date, but it is important to consider both sides to the relationship and not your own. Life is hard no matter which way you twist it- so there aren't really specific good answers to lots of things. That is all.

 

[Dredfy]

Not sure if this helps, but...from the other side...where I'm basically a NT liking an autistic girl...it might be a perception issue on their part. I don't know how to say this nicely
but...i grew up running from anything to do with anything mental at all(right after the people who hate autistic people diagnosed me with autism). I grew up as an NT... I learned from everyone around me, that autism was grouped in with all mental disorders. And that there is "something wrong" with all people with them.
Just having people know you have ever seen a psychologist or something is enough to get you shunned sometimes...
and reasons why a beautiful kind autistic girl might have trouble with someone dating her are I think:
"ok so what's wrong with her exactly?" Even though I'm attracted to her, I have to ask "is she even mentally capable of making the descision to like me?What if she says she is and I believe her but then, her family has me thrown in jail because she WASNT capable of consent?"

As far as the dating part...her brother would kill anyone making a move on her. They trust nobodies intentions and all the people around her think that she can't take care of herself so that dating her would be "taking advantage" and everyone will basically veiw you as a rapist...

as far as love: I do care about her but...will anyone believe that? Is SHE capable of love? Interested in a lasting relationship? Or just dating?
And what is autism-exactly defined? Social cues and norms are problems so...am I grossly misreading all her intentions? Maybe she's not coming on to me at all. And when she doesn't understand my subtle hints, there's the nagging fear that she DID understand and is ignoring my advances as HER subtle hint that she's not interested...when I need comfort, will she be able to sense that? Or be oblivious and appear uncaring as I feel
Worse that she doesn't notice...will she get mad at me for expecting her to notice? Will we talk about arguements? Or will she avoid that in favor of being alone because she is not good with people or conflict?
"Will she change her mind for no apparent reason because of autism? Is it worth investing in if I'm unsure?" Personally I decided that yes, it doesn't matter, she seems intelligent and rational
To me. idk wtf everyone else is talking about. A chance with her and the experience is totally worth it. Not everyone makes the decision that way. But my last nagging fear...if things don't work out, I don't know if I can accept that...wouldn't it be better to keep this amazing woman as my friend forever, than to have a blissful relationship for a couple weeks or months and then have them gone forever?

It's not always a luck thing...sometimes people just...are confused...although I just thought of a slightly more sinister one...maybe some think they CAN take advantage of you, then they are taken aback once they realize how intelligent you are, get freaked out as they think you can see right through them, and they run? Which is really a good thing. Eventually, someone comes along who decides almost none of that matters.

 

[popculturegeeknerd06]

i know i'm gonna get criticized for this but i find it more shocking to hear of a woman past her mid-20's or reaches her 30's and beyond who has never had a relationship before than the other way around because women don't have to be the initiators

 

[blue_bird]

Yep, still waiting. The thing that impedes me is the fear that a woman would be put off by my trials and tribulations. Living with anxiety and depression has taken a toll on me, in every way. I'm just not sure someone would be interested in a damaged good like me. People on the web sometimes seem to be more open towards an emotional wreck like me, but in other ways I know we're not compatible. The people around me fit more, in terms of culture and lifestyle, but would probably not empathize with my struggles. So I'm kinda stuck.

 

[Rich Gray]

Yup My first year of uni I went to the cinema with a guy I considered a good friend, when he dropped me off back at my place he kissed me and asked to come to my room Turned out he thought we'd been dating and was expecting sex, I just thought we were friends and was absolutely horrified. This clued me in to the fact that I am unable to tell the difference between friendly behaviour and romantic behaviour.

In college I accidentally asked out several women. It was uncomfortable to show up to a date with a date. I had so many flat tires.

I suppose you need to keep in mind that male friends may be interested in you romantically. Being friends is often a key component in that relationship stuff. I suppose you could just ask them. It would likely be a good thing to ask. "I am not very good at reading people. Please let me know if you were to consider this a date."

There is also the tried and true method of asking a friend to ask the guy and/or ask the guys freinds, and/or ask someone you trust to be your "seeing body language person" . . . like a seeing eye dog . . . but, you know, useful for us.

 

[Rich Gray]

I'm 18, but it seems to me that it'll never happen for me. I just dont have any qualities that would be appealing to people. And I guess it's better that way. I'd be terrible in a relationship anyway.

People date people. It is terrifying, can be a series of failures (and failures are to be expected and are okay), but give it a chance. It can be fun, and rewarding. Just be safe. Women with Asperger's can seem like a target for a predictor. Dating in public (with your own way home), or in groups (where they know their role) is a good idea.

Also girls scared the jeepers out of me. I really did not date until I was 19.

 

[WeirdoGuy]

I was very inexperienced with dating in my teens and early 20's. The one thing that really helped me was the internet. Being on the spectrum, it can be hard to get all of your thoughts out, know how to flirt, know if someone is flirting with you, and know how to behave in any situation that may lead to some type of romance. But when you go to an on-line dating site, it is already known that you are looking to date. Any messages received or sent do not have to say "I'm interested in dating" because it is already implied from being on the site. If you are willing, you can even mention being on the spectrum in your profile, and any quirks that you have. This makes it so much easier when you receive a message. You don't have to wonder if you'll seem too weird or awkward, because you threw it out there and still got the message. If a meet up is ever planned resulting from email exchanges, you already know that it is a date. No wondering. So my advice for everyone on the spectrum that wants to date is to use the Internet. I hope this helps.

 

[paloftoon]

What can also be attractive is being able to drive, having a full time job, and/or living on your own. These signs of independence can help a lot with dating.

 

[Aeolienne]

I had my first date at 17 but it was awful. Without being able to explain why, I didn't feel any chemistry between us - I actually turned away when he tried to kiss me. What made it all worse was that he asked for my phone number publicly - at a party - and I was teased mercilessly at school afterwards by the classmates who had witnessed it. I assumed that he'd sense that I wasn't interested but we ended up going on three dates (which, according to one of my classmates, "counts as a relationship" - seriously??). The third date involved a party. I wondered if he would introduce me as his girlfriend but instead when someone asked "So how are you two together?" he replied "We just keep bumping into each other!" I've had an aversion to the expression bumping into someone ever since. When he next asked me out I told him that the only reason I was going out with him was because he kept asking me - that was it. That ended our "relationship" but unfortunately I was then accused of being really bitchy by the aforementioned classmates. It would be three years until another man asked me out: was that karmic retribution?

The timing of our break-up was the week between Valentine's Day (not that he sent me a card) and my birthday on 21 February. I had read of someone who was resolved to dump her boyfriend but deliberately postponed the act until after her birthday so she could receive one last present from him. That sort of behaviour gives women a bad name. No-one could accuse me of being a gold-digger!

With hindsight (and thanks to the insight from this forum) I now recognise the classic symptoms of demisexuality.