Stop dating

[Aspychata]

Dating and relationships is really hard. It can really take a toll on your mental health. I can relate a lot to what you said about not knowing where you stand – that can be reeaalllyyy anxiety-provoking and exhausting. I’m sorry you had to end that relationship, but it does seem like you need a break from it if it’s been causing you a lot of stress.

I know that for me, the anxiety came from all the unsaid in my relationships and the fact that my need for very clear communication and honesty was not met. I think that gaining a better understanding of where the stress comes from, what needs are not met and communicating them clearly is ideal, but it also has to be the case from the other person and that can be hard. I just feel like when you have a better idea what you need to feel good in a relationship, it’s easier to realize and accept that a relationship is not working because a specific need you have cannot be met in that relationship. Which doesn’t mean you won’t find people with who you will be able to feel good and comfortable and safe though.

Access Intimacy: The Missing Link

This essay by Mia Mingus has been really helpful for me in understanding what feels so difficult for me in relationships and to not put the blame on myself as much. As autistic humans in an ablest world, there is a lot that is not accessible to us; spaces for one, but it’s also the case for relationships. If you’re in a relationship where your needs cannot exist or where you can’t be your authentic self, it will be really hard to feel good and comfortable and to build a relationship in which you feel safe and secure and calm. And that is not your fault.

I hope the article is helpful and that you will feel calm in the situation and will find new opportunities for nourishing relationships in the near-future.

Take care!

l didnt end it. l am just dealing with the issues that clouded everything else in my life.

 

[Cogs Of My Cranium]

Relationships and work and the two things that make me feel different from the NT world. My lack of experience in both undermines any constructed confidence and persona I put so much effort into building. Relationships make me feel blind as do so many social exchanges. I view my relationship attempts more like a science or sociological experiment with too many variables to handle and get neurotic over.

 

[Judge]

What do you do when you are infatuated beyond belief but emotionally confused at just about all your feelings?

In my own case, I dumped her. Having failed to juggle being with her both at work and at home...and not having enough time to myself. In hindsight it was the worst decision I ever made in my life. I just wish I had known at the time how my own autism was so prominent in this equation. We got back together for a time, but then she dumped me for good and never looked back.

I just wish I hadn't made such a rash decision. However at the time, I had no idea what was driving my own confusion.

Some thirty years later I still think about her, and wonder how different my life might have been had I been able to juggle her company and my solitude sufficient to make it all work. Now I'm just old and quite alone.

 

[hatfullofrain]

I am fortunate to have married twice. The first was not very successful, but the second has been considerably more so.

From my perspective, it's too bad to give up on finding love. My sister got to that point, and died a bitter, lonely woman.

To me, being in a couple is a comforting and natural place to be. Sure, I've had my feelings hurt a few times. But I am so glad I did not let that stop me.

Yea, but some of us have no choice. No one wants us. No one ever has. Likely no one ever will. It's less painful just to say "I give up", when really, it's a cover because you're pretending to control it, because the decision is made by the others who don't want us.

 

[GadAbout]

Yea, but some of us have no choice. No one wants us. No one ever has. Likely no one ever will. It's less painful just to say "I give up", when really, it's a cover because you're pretending to control it, because the decision is made by the others who don't want us.

I don't know your life circumstances, and I don't want to judge you. But my sister after a couple of disappointments in love decided to have nothing more to do with men, ever. Instead, she inserted herself into her adult daughters' lives in a destructive manner. My feeling is anyone can make themselves more lovable if they just work on it... eliminate temper tantrums, do what you can with your appearance, be a good and moral person, etc.

 

[hatfullofrain]

I don't know your life circumstances, and I don't want to judge you. But my sister after a couple of disappointments in love decided to have nothing more to do with men, ever. Instead, she inserted herself into her adult daughters' lives in a destructive manner. My feeling is anyone can make themselves more lovable if they just work on it... eliminate temper tantrums, do what you can with your appearance, be a good and moral person, etc.

Indeed, you are correct, you do not know me. It's a shame that these are my first posts, but the romantic aspect of life has been my biggest struggle, so this is where I came first.

I'm quite even tempered and do take care of myself and so on and so forth. I'm genial, I can make good acquaintances, I have some good friends, but this romance thing, it's pretty much impossible. It's like something hidden behind a locked door.

I actually haven't given up yet. There's always someone new to move on to, but I'm tired now and I hurt and it's not the same. It's not exciting anymore, it's a trudge. Maybe the next one will want to go on more than one date with me.

 

[GadAbout]

If you are open to it, you will get useful advice from people here on the intricacies of relationships. You may also get advice from people encouraging you to give up. My own advice? Take a break from romance, but don't rule it out entirely.

After 30, it gets much different than the teenage/early 20s dating scene. But single people can and do form relationships right on into their middle age and old age, so keep an open mind.

Welcome to the forum.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

Indeed, you are correct, you do not know me. It's a shame that these are my first posts, but the romantic aspect of life has been my biggest struggle, so this is where I came first.

I'm quite even tempered and do take care of myself and so on and so forth. I'm genial, I can make good acquaintances, I have some good friends, but this romance thing, it's pretty much impossible. It's like something hidden behind a locked door.

I actually haven't given up yet. There's always someone new to move on to, but I'm tired now and I hurt and it's not the same. It's not exciting anymore, it's a trudge. Maybe the next one will want to go on more than one date with me.

Something is going wrong somewhere. You could be unattractive. It is a slog if you are (and everything is too easy when you are good looking). Or you are doing something wrong on those first dates. It took me... 1 first date of pure failure and I immediately recognized that this woman would want nothing to do with me after that, despite the fact that she really liked me at first. After that I fixed everything I did wrong that one time and things went better... but it's always possible to end up on dates with women that think of you as "meh". I am not sure why someone would go on dates with someone they feel "meh" about, but it happens and there's really nothing you can do in those situations that will make them change their mind.

Where you get your dates from is also an important factor. It's hard to have much success online, for instance. It's normal for people in those situations to always be thinking about the next date, they probably have 10 others lined up that week and they are not going to take things seriously. You really have to get lucky there and find someone decent, but most of it is just uninterested trash.

So there's a whole bunch of factors that could influence it... it could be outside of your control or something that you can easily fix for the next date.