Stumbling though my relationship like a bull in a china shop

[Jenn]

I am trying so hard to be careful but the harder I try, the more things get broken.

We met 6 months ago. I fell fast and he said he felt the same. He kept asking me not to change, but I was just being myself so I didn't understand. He hasn't admitted to Asperger's and I don't want to make him uncomfortable...but I just want to understand so I know what to do. He's shutting down more and more but insists nothing is wrong.

He's hinted at his condition, an 'outsider' who prefers to not deal with people at all (he manages fine when he has to but I guess he feels less pressure to 'perform' with me?). He has 3 things he's focused on obsessively but he's really good at what he does and I admire that. He told me he loved me but it's hard to say and he feels badly that he can't tell me more. He doesn't like when I tell him how I feel. He said it makes him feel pressured to respond. I tried to explain that I'm just expressing how I feel about him. I want him to know how much I love him. I've stopped saying it...trying to communicate other ways... he's physical and enjoys being touched but we've only had sex once (this is a bit difficult for me because I desire more).

He's admitted to being an alcoholic. I told him I came to that realization and am concerned but know full well that I am not responsible for his drinking and he is the only one that can decide to stop so i don't nag or judge him.

With all of that being said, I wonder why I stay. He doesn't like to talk on the phone or text frequently. When we are together, it's usually great. I just have no idea what to do as his silence grows. From what I've read on this site, it sounds like he's getting overwhelmed so I'm trying to back off...it's very hard. I need his reassurance but asking for it stresses him out. My anxiety is growing. I don't know how to communicate with him.

 

[pamelaperejil]

I am trying so hard to be careful but the harder I try, the more things get broken... From what I've read on this site, it sounds like he's getting overwhelmed so I'm trying to back off...it's very hard. I need his reassurance but asking for it stresses him out. My anxiety is growing. I don't know how to communicate with him.

I've been in relationships like this. It's very hard for both people. As the relationship progresses, you tend to get worn down by stuff that only bothered you a little at first. My advice would be to try to figure out what you absolutely need from him. He needs to do the same for what he absolutely can't give you. Try to keep emotion out of it and keep the lines of communication open. See if there's ways to compromise.

For example, someone on this forum was recently talking about Marco Poloing her children through social media. She sent them a message saying "Marco", and if they Polo-ed her back in response, it was the signal that everything was okay. Something like that might work, as it would communicate the message that things were okay but without having to talk about emotions at length. That's just an example of the kind of compromises that might be made to get both party's needs met.

Good luck.

 

[Tom]

Your suspicion of autism aside, why in the world would somebody start up with an alcoholic?

 

[BraidedPony]

Sex once in 6 months is all i would have to know...

 

[pamelaperejil]

Sex once in 6 months is all i would have to know...

Oooohhhh. I missed that.

 

[BraidedPony]

I know and that’s during the “honeymoon” phase! Jeepers.

 

[MEnMarc]

I have been with an aspie for 15 yrs. I love him, he gives me safety, routine, faithfulness and honesty. I value this because I come from a history of trauma, so his calmness makes me feel safe. I struggle with need for validation. We do ok for the most part when I feel strong but when I am sick or feel needy or worn down, he cannot give me what I need....; he has no protective genes nor empathy. We usually get in a fight because tensions are high, we give each other space, we come back together and talk about it, then we do something together like go to a movie, we sit close and we connect again....until the next time..

You get to decide if what he gives you is enough, what you are ok with and what you are not ok with; you get to decide if you want to invest more time in this relationship. Perhaps he is giving you what you need for now, maybe tomorrow it may not be. Good Luck.

 

[Bronzelincolns]

you'll have decide if this is the type of relationship you want to have.

it is what it is.

 

[Icequeen]

I would sit down and seriously evaluate what I wanted from this relationship.

If you're looking for a friend to hang out with and someone just to have fun with this might be fine...but if your picture includes something more serious in the future be aware that it might be a long struggle or possibly more than he's capable of at this time in his life....and do you want to devote a lot of time, maybe years finding that out?

The deeper you get into it, the harder it can be to get out.

 

[paloftoon]

I recommend you look for a dating counselor where both of you can work out these issues to try to maintain your relationship. A third, independent person can help you two do things that each of you may not easily be able to work out yourselves.

Remember, nothing is perfect, and everyone is human, but you need to consider your needs, tolerance levels, and be as realistic as you can about what you can tolerate.

 

[paloftoon]

Your suspicion of autism aside, why in the world would somebody start up with an alcoholic?

A person might not know that the other person is an alcoholic. Alcoholism doesn't bother everyone. Maybe someone interested in an alcoholic was a former alcoholic. Maybe they have other attributes such as hot looks and financial stability and that could make it worthwhile to be with that alcoholic. Remember, nothing is going to be perfect. Don't necessarily reject a person just because of one thing. Even though people aren't likely to change, if they want to change, they can.