Sugar coating?

[Goatscoat]

How can I go about changing the way I word my thoughts in a way that's more "sugar coated"?

What would you guys say are generally positive "sugar coat" type words or expressions that will always benefit the speaker when expressing a less popular opinion.

 

[peoplesrjames]

I have the opposite problem. I generally tend to sugar coat everything and am not assertive or direct enough. I think it's more about the tone than the words.

 

[Goatscoat]

Oh. Well, I dare say that's possible. Similar to how some other aspie people seem to get constant complaints about having a "mean look on their face all the time".

 

[Vinca]

I'm not really sure of the correct terms to describe what I mean, so I'll just use an example.

If John says 'I think people who believe in fairies are deluded', it is more likely to offend people who believe in fairies than if John said 'I don't beleive in fairies as I don't think there is evidence to supports their existance'.

Making negative/derogatory comments about people who think, feel, behave or believe a certain way, is more likely to be offensive than stating ones own beliefs about a subject.

This following link expains why certain ways of expressing an opinion are more constuctive, and gives examples.

http://www.austincc.edu/colangelo/1318/istatements.htm

Edited 'cuz I spotted an 'a' where there didn't need to be one.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Making negative/derogatory comments about people who think, feel, behave or believe a certain way, is more likely to be offensive than stating ones own beliefs about a subject.

Also, it's good to remember that there's a difference between stating your opinions on a subject and mocking that subject.

For instance, John saying what's below

if John said 'I don't beleive in fairies as I don't think there is evidence to supports their existence'.

is different than John making up some weird parody of fairies.

 

[ancusmitis]

is different than John making up some weird parody of fairies.

But still, isn't a weird parody more fun? If it's done well, anyway

 

[Ste11aeres]

But still, isn't a weird parody more fun? If it's done well, anyway

If the people reading it disbelieve in fairies, then yes.

 

[ancusmitis]

If the people reading it disbelieve in fairies, then yes.

Fair enough, I suppose.

 

[Beverly]

Really, every situation is different. there isn't a generic "sugar coating" you can use. Something that took me decades to learn.

Imagine this scenario. I am attending a Red Carpet event, let's say the AMA's Bette shows up wearing a vibrant fuchsia, sequined mermaid gown. Clearly that is loud, it's her style to be loud but, the color clashes horribly with her red hair and, she is older, too many unwanted ripples show in that style of gown, she looks hideous.

My instinct, when she asks what I think of her gown, is to say "It's too young, too tight and, too pink for you - lose the gown, get a black sack dress or something." Honest and, solving the problem but, if I said that, Bette would be either in tears or furious with me.

Good PR demands I say something like "Lovely gown and, it might look even better with a scarf for your hair and, a lace shawl, or a boa." Outwardly I complimented her, but, I also listed a few things to hide much of the gown and/or her hair. That is a sugar coated way of pointing out what does not work together. Bette will take the hint and, either cover up as I suggest, or change the gown before the event begins, depending on what time allows. If she can do nothing, she will be careful not to be photographed any more than is absolutely unavoidable and, will not answer questions about her attire for the evening then, promptly change for the after party ASAP. Later, she will thank me for sparing her as much "Bad Dress" press as possible.

NOTE: Bette would never make such a mistake, she has better fashion sense than that and, her wardrobe people are not that cruel.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Really, every situation is different. there isn't a generic "sugar coating" you can use. Something that took me decades to learn.

Imagine this scenario. I am attending a Red Carpet event, let's say the AMA's Bette shows up wearing a vibrant fuchsia, sequined mermaid gown. Clearly that is loud, it's her style to be loud but, the color clashes horribly with her red hair and, she is older, too many unwanted ripples show in that style of gown, she looks hideous.

My instinct, when she asks what I think of her gown, is to say "It's too young, too tight and, too pink for you - lose the gown, get a black sack dress or something." Honest and, solving the problem but, if I said that, Bette would be either in tears or furious with me.

Good PR demands I say something like "Lovely gown and, it might look even better with a scarf for your hair and, a lace shawl, or a boa." Outwardly I complimented her, but, I also listed a few things to hide much of the gown and/or her hair. That is a sugar coated way of pointing out what does not work together. Bette will take the hint and, either cover up as I suggest, or change the gown before the event begins, depending on what time allows. If she can do nothing, she will be careful not to be photographed any more than is absolutely unavoidable and, will not answer questions about her attire for the evening then, promptly change for the after party ASAP. Later, she will thank me for sparing her as much "Bad Dress" press as possible.

NOTE: Bette would never make such a mistake, she has better fashion sense than that and, her wardrobe people are not that cruel.

She also has a good ability to take a hint; that one would go right over my head.

 

[ancusmitis]

She also has a good ability to take a hint; that one would go right over my head.

Mine too, honestly. I'd be like, "But that would cover up exactly the things I like about this!"

 

[Ste11aeres]

Mine too, honestly. I'd be like, "But that would cover up exactly the things I like about this!"

I'd be like: great idea! i need some fuschia accessories to go with the dress!

(Not really. But only because I"m not into fuschia. There is a reddish-orange color that I like...)

 

[Goatscoat]

I'm feeling a bit persecuted by this Moderator right now. How thick do you have to lay it for you to be satisfied? I understand that you thought I was out of order because of a joke on religious people but just how far do you intend to take this? I'm getting really bad vibes from this attitude of yours. Authority high much?

 

[Ste11aeres]

how far do you intend to take this?

I'm sorry, but that seems a disproportionate response to us joking around about fuschia and orange clothes. Are you referring to something new that happened that I don't know about?

 

[Goatscoat]

Excuse me? Do you need me to take screenshots of every single time you've come to a thread I've posted in and posted straight after me alongside a demonstration of "why john is being unpleasant to xyz people BUT HOW HE COULD CHANGE FOR THE BETTER".

Pls, I sincerely think you are a disgusting human being. You're not even hinting at anything, you're literally posting the same example over and over. Jesus, get over yourself. Whoever gave you your position as a mod and is keeping you there must really "like you" huh?

 

[AspergerianYogi]

How can I go about changing the way I word my thoughts in a way that's more "sugar coated"?

What would you guys say are generally positive "sugar coat" type words or expressions that will always benefit the speaker when expressing a less popular opinion.

Story of my life, Goatscoat!

I'd love to bounce some ideas around with you. Do you mind giving me an example of an instance where you felt that sugar coating would have resulted in a more pleasant outcome and I'll return the favor with one such instance from my own life?

 

[Goatscoat]

Eeeh, the exact instances completely escape me. But my issues with feeling like I could have "sugar coated" something better always boil down to when I'm trying to express critique on a fellow musician or visual artist etc. I wish I could say the exact same things and feel need to be said... In a way people would simply understand the words for what they are. As opposed to creating an entire journey of intentions I supposedly had to make them feel bad at their art.

This is where I feel I struggled in a more direct way. Which makes it important to say, that you can't really become a profitable artist of anything without some sort of support and a good image (at least when you're just starting) even if you are an amazing and absolutely original musician & you are consistently approached by big names.

Overall, everytime I express my opinion on matters that relate to my ability to succeed professionally > that's where it hurts, because I can't hide how much I dislike things or at times, how funny I think some people are when they are trying so hard to be taken seriously.

It truly does not sit well with anyone. But, I soon realize my peers and other people even, they too feel the same way as me. Just that they are really good at keeping face.

 

[AspergerianYogi]

Eeeh, the exact instances completely escape me. But my issues with feeling like I could have "sugar coated" something better always boil down to when I'm trying to express critique on a fellow musician or visual artist etc. I wish I could say the exact same things and feel need to be said... In a way people would simply understand the words for what they are. As opposed to creating an entire journey of intentions I supposedly had to make them feel bad at their art.

This is where I feel I struggled in a more direct way. Which makes it important to say, that you can't really become a profitable artist of anything without some sort of support and a good image (at least when you're just starting) even if you are an amazing and absolutely original musician & you are consistently approached by big names.

Overall, everytime I express my opinion on matters that relate to my ability to succeed professionally > that's where it hurts, because I can't hide how much I dislike things or at times, how funny I think some people are when they are trying so hard to be taken seriously.

It truly does not sit well with anyone. But, I soon realize my peers and other people even, they too feel the same way as me. Just that they are really good at keeping face.

I used to be a dancer and a choreographer, so I have a pretty good sense of what you're talking about.

Two questions:
1) Do you ever use a pen & pad or your iPhone to pre-plan what you are going to say before you say it?
2) What have you noticed your peers doing in those instances? Do they say anything at all or do they just stay silent?


**3) Sorry - I just thought of a third - have you ever tried asking questions about the piece before you provide your feedback? I have found that by asking questions, I find myself becoming genuinely interested in the artist as a person and a craftsperson, which leaves open space for me to accept their end product as a manifestation of what their goals are and how they are trying to express them. It doesn't mean I like the work any better, but it a) quells my sense of responsibility to place a value judgment on the work and b) empowers the other artist to think through his or her process and verbally express the logic behind it.
+ One final thought for you on this suggestion: the Aspie community, from what I can sense, is fighting to integrate the concept of neurodiversity into everyday culture. If we want to receive, we are going to need social capital first, and this means we have to give a little bit, especially in the beginning. In relation to you and your struggle with sugar coating: think of asking open-ended questions about your peers' artwork as a way of exploring and appreciating the neurodiversity of the artistic community.

I hope that helps :-/

 

[Butterfly88]

I wouldn't say I sugar coat things but it's almost as if I expect other people to sugar coat things. Weird, I know. I just get very upset about issues sometimes.

 

[Judge]

IMO "sugar coat" implies a deliberate intent to superficially deceive rather than diplomatically mitigate a situation in earnest.

It might work, but only if the person you are talking to us unaware of such a dynamic. Otherwise it might well backfire with you being berated even further for not only being blunt, but also being insincere and deceptive.

Perhaps the best answer is not to consider doing so at all. Being blunt is seldom taken well by NTs, but it's better than risking being insincere and manipulative just to get a point across.