Suicide

[yungboy84]

Im at the point where I constantly wish that I was dead every second of everyday, where I could just end it all now with the simple slash of the wrist or a downed bottle of sleeping pills. I would prefer suiside, but the thought of going to hell for is what's holding me back. I'm afraid that if for one second I was to over come the thought of hell that I would actually do it. I'm just ready to die!

 

[The Penguin]

Please consider our thread
Suicide and Crisis Prevention Resources: Call for Submissions

 

[Southern Discomfort]

Go see your doctor, right now. If you can't, go to the emergency room or call the emergency services.

Suicide is a long term solution to a short term problem. You don't need to do this. You can be happy again. Talk to someone about your mental health, talk to us, we care!

 

[tree]

yungboy84
It can't be that you are having so much
fun that you want to quit living.

Generally that's not a reason to dwell on
suicide.

I remember when I was thinking that being
dead would be preferable to being alive in the
circumstances within which I was existing. I didn't
want to die so much as I wanted the crummy
parts to end.

You said you think about ending "it all."
What circumstances do you want to end?

 

[Guppyfry]

yungboy, I've been there! I understand and feel your pain. DO NOT GIVE IN TO IT!!! Reach out for help, you must hang in there. Your life is worth so much! I konw how desperate you feel. I've battled those feelings for years. One thing that kept me going is a very small voice inside that told me that I had worth. That my life had worth. That I was a good person, and I needed help. LISTEN to your small voice. Do not drown it out with the despair.

Please, take action, reach out to your doctor, to a mental health clinic, to a suicide line. Come back and let us know of the steps you took to get help. I don't know you, but I do know what you are feeling, how deep the self-hatred goes, I do know how there seems to be no end to the inner hell.

Let me tell you, THERE IS HOPE. I'm here years later to testify to that. You don't have to fight this alone. I want you to fight it, don't give in!

 

[toothless]

yungboy84
i understand where your coming from, i feel the same every day but because i have buddies who relie on me-ie my support cat mr shadow,my rabbits and my fish i couldnt do it.

i think you need some support to get your feelings out,dont feel you have to surpress your feelings to not offend others you need to get your feelings out,
i found it helpful attending the samaritans head office for 1-1 councilling which is free and no appointment needed but you might not have that chance if you live in america and you dont have an equivilent,im sure there is though.

you need to have things in your life to make you feel that you are worth something,for example some sort of voluntary work like working in an animal sanctuary,you need something to motivate you like a new hobby or even just going for a walk every day if you could manage that,or even making some friends or a partner.
,if your stuck seeing the same four walls every day and dont do anything its easy to see no worth in life.

are you on any anti depressents? have you had councilling or CBT?

 

[DuckRabbit]

I would prefer suiside, but the thought of going to hell for is what's holding me back. I'm afraid that if for one second I was to over come the thought of hell that I would actually do it. I'm just ready to die!

My fear is that suicide is not in fact a way out. I don't fear hell; rather, esoteric doctrine suggests that we will simply have to pick up where we left off again - in some other incarnation: "Then those so entering MUST continue through the earth until the body-mind is made perfect for the soul, or the body-celestial again." We will retain what we've developed but if we opt out, we will at some point have to come back to develop what we shied away from. In a way, this is hell: the thought that there is no escape from our current predicament, other than working through it... or simply living through it. Maybe we don't actually need to fix anything - maybe we can't. Maybe we 'just' have to stay alive and experience it - endure the suffering. Expand ourselves to live with it. Enlarge our consciousness so as not to be destroyed by it. Maybe through every agonising minute of suffering we endure, we are expanding our consciousness, millimetre by millimetre - growing like stalactites and stalagmites, stoic in the minute, imperceptible rate of our change. Some of us need to grow down into earth, accepting imperfection; others might conceptualise it as growing upwards, towards perfection. Probably it all comes out the same in the end.

 

[yungboy84]

Go see your doctor, right now. If you can't, go to the emergency room or call the emergency services.

Suicide is a long term solution to a short term problem. You don't need to do this. You can be happy again. Talk to someone about your mental health, talk to us, we care!

Southern Discomfort thank you, but every time I go there they just admit me to the site ward and prescribe me depression and anxiety meds which are useless.

 

[yungboy84]

yungboy84
It can't be that you are having so much
fun that you want to quit living.

Generally that's not a reason to dwell on
suicide.

I remember when I was thinking that being
dead would be preferable to being alive in the
circumstances within which I was existing. I didn't
want to die so much as I wanted the crummy
parts to end.

You said you think about ending "it all."
What circumstances do you want to end?

Every aspect of not being normal, the parts that people wish to dismiss you when you come around, being social arkward and people always asking what the hell is wrong with you, family telling me there's no point of being alive if I can't think for myself, my father neglecting me because he says I'm not my own man, having a soon to be son that my baby mother's taking from me and moving out of state saying I will never see because she doesn't like my actions, not being respected by "Anyone", Everything!

 

[yungboy84]

yungboy, I've been there! I understand and feel your pain. DO NOT GIVE IN TO IT!!! Reach out for help, you must hang in there. Your life is worth so much! I konw how desperate you feel. I've battled those feelings for years. One thing that kept me going is a very small voice inside that told me that I had worth. That my life had worth. That I was a good person, and I needed help. LISTEN to your small voice. Do not drown it out with the despair.

Please, take action, reach out to your doctor, to a mental health clinic, to a suicide line. Come back and let us know of the steps you took to get help. I don't know you, but I do know what you are feeling, how deep the self-hatred goes, I do know how there seems to be no end to the inner hell.

Let me tell you, THERE IS HOPE. I'm here years later to testify to that. You don't have to fight this alone. I want you to fight it, don't give in!

I am a gd person and I know it but society can give 2 fu%ks about us, if they don't experience it they simply don't care.

 

[yungboy84]

yungboy84
i understand where your coming from, i feel the same every day but because i have buddies who relie on me-ie my support cat mr shadow,my rabbits and my fish i couldnt do it.

i think you need some support to get your feelings out,dont feel you have to surpress your feelings to not offend others you need to get your feelings out,
i found it helpful attending the samaritans head office for 1-1 councilling which is free and no appointment needed but you might not have that chance if you live in america and you dont have an equivilent,im sure there is though.

you need to have things in your life to make you feel that you are worth something,for example some sort of voluntary work like working in an animal sanctuary,you need something to motivate you like a new hobby or even just going for a walk every day if you could manage that,or even making some friends or a partner.
,if your stuck seeing the same four walls every day and dont do anything its easy to see no worth in life.

are you on any anti depressents? have you had councilling or CBT?

I've had an iguana that I ended up giving away, I let my dog go, my mother's dead, my father cut me out of his life, my family members turned their backs on me, I cannot work because I cannot be around people because I'll even cry at the work place which has forced me to leave jobs, nothing motivates me not even money so I don't see anything that I should look forward to. I don't even want anyone to attend my funeral, just be cremated then ashes to ashes dust to dust like I never existed!

 

[Mia]

yungboy84 this seems a great deal about depression caused by things that have happened in your life. Where you seem to have little control of the things going on around you. Maybe it's because of that, that you feel suicidal.

Depression does that, it's like a dark pit that you fall into, and it seems impossible to come out of it.

Suicidal thoughts can be anger turned inward at oneself. It can be a quite hostile act meant to 'punish' those around you, all the while saying to yourself that they will be sorry when you are gone. Is your life worth so little that other people have the ability to make you destroy it? No one has that power but you, to tell you who you are.

This is something that will have to figure your way out of, that you are strong enough to write about it here. Gives me hope for you, that it can and will get better.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

Southern Discomfort thank you, but every time I go there they just admit me to the site ward and prescribe me depression and anxiety meds which are useless.

Not to make it all about medication but if you find the right one then it can turn your life around. Don't give up on yourself just because a few attempts don't succeed because when you do find the one that works for you it makes it really worth it.

Get in contact with local groups centred around autism, support groups, charities. They should be able to help you through this.

 

[OkRad]

It is scary. Please don't do it because you are only here for a while anyway and being autistic, that means you are special. Also if you do it, others follow. Believe me, there is a sharp uptick in suicide in the US right now. Please don't be one!! Hang out here for a while or for a long time. Post like crazy. Do whatever you have to do. People here do care.

 

[Kari Suttle]

Every aspect of not being normal, the parts that people wish to dismiss you when you come around, being social arkward and people always asking what the hell is wrong with you, family telling me there's no point of being alive if I can't think for myself, my father neglecting me because he says I'm not my own man, having a soon to be son that my baby mother's taking from me and moving out of state saying I will never see because she doesn't like my actions, not being respected by "Anyone", Everything!

Keep going for that boy. His mother might not want him in your life but that doesn't have to be the end of it. There are lawyers, there are counselors, that can help you get better and help you try to get partial/split/etc custody of your soon to be son. Your his father and from the kids ive known he's probably going to want to meet you and know you. If you die now your son will never have the chance to meet you, but if you stay alive you can do your damnest and try to be there for him. My dad was on the verge of suicide when mom was pregnant with me but he stayed for me and I'm so glad he did. He's a great father.

 

[sonnesun]

I don"t wish to steal the attention away from yungboy84 as it is his thread, but I would like to emphasize with him that I feel more or less exactly the same as him. I think about suicide all the time now. My father has also disowned me for similar reasons. I've lost my children unfairly through no real fault of my own due to my ex and even the family courts were useless despite CAFCASS being on my side. I haven't seen them in 7 years now. Due to being alone in this dark depression for so long, and for not knowing I am clearly on the ASD, it has eventually led me to make stupid impulsive grave errors in life which I cannot reverse, although I haven't actually hurt anyone (apart from myself) for this I have lost the love of my life although we still love each other greatly but due to legal reasons we can no longer be together. I can't legally visit her anymore, although she can visit me and is still planning to visit next year, but she doesn't want to live in the UK, and I now legally cannot move there, which in itself makes my own suicidal tendencies a longterm solution to what feels like a long term problem (rather than short term). I feel that I will likely and needlessly die alone now. As pessimistic as it sounds, who else would want me now anyway?

For this I camnot forgive myself. I no longer trust or like myself either. I am also now doubting my own level of empathy, and sanity. I thought I had loads of empathy, but maybe it's really thinking about myself more than about others, mistaking self-centredness for empathy. For a start although I feel a connection with the OP, it is maybe more myself I'm concerned for hence this reply? It sounds cold doesn't it, but then maybe it's still part of empathising with others.

I'm just lost and confused too. Most of the time I now either sleep, play stupid ipad games, or just sit in a quiet room staring into space. The lonliness is debilitating. The added cleft palate and speech impairment I grew up with obviously hasn't helped either only masking the real problems, as combine that with Asperger's (especially not knowing all your life that you have it) and BOOM!

I also cannot work due to multiple different reasons, none of them I feel lame excuses as I have often been made to feel. I am the most socially awkward, clumsy and reckless person I know. I don't want to be around anymore, and just sleep peacefully forever as the future looks damned for me now along with any chance of future happiness.

I have read the replies here, and what DuckRabbit has said has inspired me to try tough it all out and grow from it. I guess that if I am able to then yungboy84 can too. But yes, we need to constantly remind ourselves and to be reminded on why life is still worth living. But I won't BS and say silly things like "there are always other people worse off than you". For one thing, not only is that a depressing thought in itself, it is totally unhelpful and I wouldn't wish worse ills on anyone and just to make myself feel better anyway.

 

[DuckRabbit]

I'm just lost and confused too. Most of the time I now either sleep, play stupid ipad games, or just sit in a quiet room staring into space. The lonliness is debilitating. The added cleft palate and speech impairment I grew up with obviously hasn't helped either only masking the real problems, as combine that with Asperger's (especially not knowing all your life that you have it) and BOOM!

I also cannot work due to multiple different reasons, none of them I feel lame excuses as I have often been made to feel. I am the most socially awkward, clumsy and reckless person I know. I don't want to be around anymore, and just sleep peacefully forever as the future looks damned for me now along with any chance of future happiness.

I have read the replies here, and what DuckRabbit has said has inspired me to try tough it all out and grow from it. I guess that if I am able to then yungboy84 can too. But yes, we need to constantly remind ourselves and to be reminded on why life is still worth living. But I won't BS and say silly things like "there are always other people worse off than you". For one thing, not only is that a depressing thought in itself, it is totally unhelpful and I wouldn't wish worse ills on anyone and just to make myself feel better anyway.

Glad you found something useful in what I said. I think toughing it out is key - every day, every hour survived is progress. But how you're spending your hours sounds like it could be compounding your rumination and negative self-reflections. Even though you cannot work, is there any way you can turn outwards just a little? e.g., tend a garden, water some flowers, walk a dog, stroke a cat - if you're not currently doing any of those things.

I truly believe animals were put on earth as our guardian angels, if only we could recognise them. Have you heard those stories of how autistic children were brought out of their shell by having a dog or a cat as a companion? e.g.,
Heartwarming Friendship Of A 5-Year-Old Girl With Autism And Her Therapy Cat

Perhaps that could be something for you to turn your attention towards outside of yourself - as difficult as that is when one is depressed and one's reserves feel depleted. A personal anecdote that need not have any reference to your case: I remember years ago sitting in on a therapy group of people with bipolar disorder, and one person said "No one cares whether I get up in the morning or not". Hearing that was a turning point for me. It made me realise that the moment one has that feeling "No one cares whether I do X, so what's the point?", one has to immediately turn outwards and direct one's care and attention at someone outside of oneself (and that can be any living thing from a tree to an animal to a person). We have to give to others what we wish we had ourselves. If we want to be valued by others, value others. If we want people to know our name, learn their name etc. Dig deep and find those reserves to give from somewhere! And if the people you want to be giving yourself to are distant or blocked off from you for whatever reason, find some other people to turn your attention to.

I also remember hearing the story of a US man who jumped off some bridge into a large river. A group of middle-aged women in a canoe saw and paddled over to him. They hoisted him into their boat and got him to safety - not just physically but psychologically as well. Turns out he was a drug addict and couldn't cope with his addictions any more. He had a child as well. The women now call themselves his surrogate mothers. I can't find reference to that story online but here's another one:
Man whose life was saved by a stranger six years ago after trying to jump off bridge is reunited with him after global Twitter campaign #FindMike | Daily Mail Online

I think it's especially important to 'tough things out' if one has children. Studies have found that the most reliable predictor of suicide is losing a parent at a young age - especially to suicide. That can mark children for life - if they survive themselves. Even if you aren't in contact with your children now, you are a large, irreplaceable figure in their psychic life. One day they may want to know more about you, and then every choice you've made today will affect them.

Do you read, draw, paint, dance, play an instrument, listen to music or watch films? Those can be a great source of meaning and understanding. Some of my favourite quotes from books and films:

* Self-rejection is the biggest sin that you commit. ~ Don Miguel Ruiz.

* “The individual usually is driven, in the end, to seek himself within himself because no other means are left available to him.”

* Trees are silent members of a community and attentive but mute partners in many kinds of intimacy. ~ Thomas Moore.

* “I spent weeks staring at the wall in my house out of depression because of things that had gone wrong and the choices I had made.” ~ Christian Bale.

* “Losing this role is like having a pencil shoved through my brain” ~ Christian Bale.

* The world never needed Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony till he created it. Now it can’t live without it.

* God can only be known through his works.

* Shame which can make the body blush and writhe, confirms character’s instinctive abhorrence of innocence ~ James Hillman.

* Character forced me to encounter each event in my peculiar style. It forces me to differ. I walk though life oddly. No one else walks as I do, and this is my courage, my dignity, my integrity, my morality, and my ruin ~ James Hillman.

 

[sonnesun]

Some interesting quotes there.

Unfortunately I live in a small first floor apartment which is rented, I have no proper garden of my own so I am virtually a prisoner in my own home. So keeping a pet is a definite no-no right now. I am on a home swap list but I am extremely choosy of where I want to go so it could be years before I find anywhere more suitable.

I do play guitar, and I've written a number of my own songs. But the thing with absolute despair is that it is easy to lose all enthusiasm, motivation and joy for everything including hobbies. Although I should probably have more song writing inspirations due to my troubles, the depression has given me total writers block. It is very difficult to overcome this.

Apologies again for seemingly hijacking the thread, but as they say misery loves company.

 

[Katherine Rawstron]

Call the Samaritans (UK) or Lifeline (USA, NZ or Australia).

 

[DuckRabbit]

Some interesting quotes there.

Unfortunately I live in a small first floor apartment which is rented, I have no proper garden of my own so I am virtually a prisoner in my own home. So keeping a pet is a definite no-no right now. I am on a home swap list but I am extremely choosy of where I want to go so it could be years before I find anywhere more suitable.

I do play guitar, and I've written a number of my own songs. But the thing with absolute despair is that it is easy to lose all enthusiasm, motivation and joy for everything including hobbies. Although I should probably have more song writing inspirations due to my troubles, the depression has given me total writers block. It is very difficult to overcome this.

Apologies again for seemingly hijacking the thread, but as they say misery loves company.

I know it is all too easy for the not-currently-depressed to make glib suggestions as to how others can snap out of their depression. Not so easy when you're actually in it...

It's also easier to tell people what attitude they ought to be striking than to strike that attitude oneself. Easier to give advice than to take it.

I read somewhere that the most spiritual thing you can do is make your bed each day.

At the risk of repeating myself, I do think you need to turn outward in some small way e.g., get involved at a charity shop, a homeless shelter, an animal refuge - something that's not too stressful but which might help your confidence?