Talking Stages: Special Interests & Lack of Confidence

[FindingComfort]

Many of you were very helpful on my last post as to how to better understand someone high functioning I had been in the talking stages with. I also was given advice from a high functioning acquaintance that based on the "mixed signals" I seem to be getting from him (in my NT mind), it probably means that this person is just as confused about his emotions for me and does have romantic feelings like I do...but him being on the spectrum with trust issues is causing him to not understand what's going on "up there" (head/heart).
Mixed signals = calling me his special friend, but also calling us friends with benefits, but also saying I am the most positive/supportive person he's met in a long while, that I found something deeper within him that no one else has ever found....

Anyway...that's just back story of how our talking stage has been like for the past 2.5 months. But I still have two concerns with red flags (why I am here again today) and before I get into it let me set some rules:
1) Yes, I know the situation I got myself into. I didn't ask for it. I didn't expect that it would take me meeting someone on the spectrum to finally make me feel less alone in this world. His autism is my most favorite thing about him and I care so deeply, he's been the most consistent and caring person in my life.
2) Please no shaming or bluntly telling me to "get out now what are you thinking it's scam" - this is the situation I am in and we all need to accept this, I know my boundaries and after 2.5 months is why I am here now. To seek advice before totally closing the door on him. I hope you all can see how much I am trying NOT to close the door because he deserves someone to love him like I do. If you want to kindly tell me "its time to move on" I will welcome that advice

Special Interests = I've read up a lot that that is super important for someone on the spectrum and they basically won't change, so anyone in relationship with them needs to share it or accept it. His is having a taste for the female body/certain sex stuff. So while this is normal for any NT man to follow/like on social media while single, most NT men stop when they settle down and don't care for that stuff anymore. Am I wasting my time here if this "special interest" won't change with him?
Lack of Confidence = we met on Reddit...I am slowly learning that is the only safe social media place those one the spectrum want to be on. But, its Reddit - and he said almost off the bat that we do not need to share pictures (I think because it IS reddit and he didn't want to come off as a creep, we really met because I was seeking advice on a post he commented on so we both thought this chatting would only last a few sentences). A month in, I mentioned sharing our faces, but he said he "cannot" and that it already is hard on him picturing who I am (we have described ourselves) that he fears seeing actually me would make it that much harder (because we don't live in the same area). I have silently agreed because of this. I think we are both scared to open the door for physical attraction because the really will know our feelings are real and the distance means we cant do anything about it.....but then again I cannot continue to care this deeply for a faceless person

Currently, as of last week, he asked to take a step back and focus on his therapy sessions. He has been out of sorts for the past month...almost after that picture conversation I brought up. But asked to leave our chat open for when he feels better to come back because we are "good friends." Am I just fooling myself with a possible scam? Is this normal for those on the spectrum to have trust issues this deeply? Am I crazy? Am I in love? My head is tired of thinking about this....you may speak your opinions as you wish and I thank you in advance

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Many of you were very helpful on my last post as to how to better understand someone high functioning I had been in the talking stages with. I also was given advice from a high functioning acquaintance that based on the "mixed signals" I seem to be getting from him (in my NT mind), it probably means that this person is just as confused about his emotions for me and does have romantic feelings like I do...but him being on the spectrum with trust issues is causing him to not understand what's going on "up there" (head/heart).
Mixed signals = calling me his special friend, but also calling us friends with benefits, but also saying I am the most positive/supportive person he's met in a long while, that I found something deeper within him that no one else has ever found...(for an NT in modern dating, that is almost "****boy" behavior) - anyone reading this can take that as they want.

Anyway...that's just back story of how our talking stage has been like for the past 2.5 months. But I still have two concerns with red flags (why I am here again today) and before I get into it let me set some rules:
1) Yes, I know the situation I got myself into. I didn't ask for it. I didn't expect that it would take me meeting someone on the spectrum to finally make me feel less alone in this world. His autism is my most favorite thing about him and I care so deeply, he's been the most consistent and caring person in my life.
2) Please no shaming or bluntly telling me to "get out now what are you thinking it's scam" - this is the situation I am in and we all need to accept this, I know my boundaries and after 2.5 months is why I am here now. To seek advice before totally closing the door on him. I hope you all can see how much I am trying NOT to close the door because he deserves someone to love him like I do. If you want to kindly tell me "its time to move on" I will welcome that advice

Special Interests = I've read up a lot that that is super important for someone on the spectrum and they basically won't change, so anyone in relationship with them needs to share it or accept it. His is having a taste for the female body/certain sex stuff. So while this is normal for any NT man to follow/like on social media while single, most NT men stop when they settle down and don't care for that stuff anymore. Am I wasting my time here if this "special interest" won't change with him?
Lack of Confidence = we met on Reddit...I am slowly learning that is the only safe social media place those one the spectrum want to be on. But, its Reddit - and he said almost off the bat that we do not need to share pictures (I think because it IS reddit and he didn't want to come off as a creep, we really met because I was seeking advice on a post he commented on so we both thought this chatting would only last a few sentences). A month in, I mentioned sharing our faces, but he said he "cannot" and that it already is hard on him picturing who I am (we have described ourselves) that he fears seeing actually me would make it that much harder (because we don't live in the same area). I have silently agreed because of this. I think we are both scared to open the door for physical attraction because the really will know our feelings are real and the distance means we cant do anything about it.....but then again I cannot continue to care this deeply for a faceless person

Currently, as of last week, he asked to take a step back and focus on his therapy sessions. He has been out of sorts for the past month...almost after that picture conversation I brought up. But asked to leave our chat open for when he feels better to come back because we are "good friends." Am I just fooling myself with a possible scam? Is this normal for those on the spectrum to have trust issues this deeply? Am I crazy? Am I in love? My head is tired of thinking about this....you may speak your opinions as you wish and I thank you in advance

OK, I'll take a crack at this.

This whole interaction above is simply foreign to me. I would never, ever, in my wildest imagination suggest that anything on-line is in any sort of way a "relationship" as in two people potentially seeking a meaningful, committed partnership. At best, and this is even a stretch, I wouldn't even consider you two, acquaintances. In my mind, two people have to be physically present with each other and do things together, at the very least. So, there's that.

Yes, our special interests change over time. I have had many, many, special interests over my 56 years.

I know this is coming off harsh, but seriously, hiding behind computer screens? It doesn't sound like either of you are willing to do, or know what it takes to even initiate a meaningful, committed partnership.

Welcome to autistic "direct language".

 

[FindingComfort]

OK, I'll take a crack at this.

This whole interaction above is simply foreign to me. I would never, ever, in my wildest imagination suggest that anything on-line is in any sort of way a "relationship" as in two people potentially seeking a meaningful, committed partnership. At best, and this is even a stretch, I wouldn't even consider you two, acquaintances. In my mind, two people have to be physically present with each other and do things together, at the very least. So, there's that.

Yes, our special interests change over time. I have had many, many, special interests over my 56 years.

I know this is coming off harsh, but seriously, hiding behind computer screens? It doesn't sound like either of you are willing to do, or know what it takes to even initiate a meaningful, committed partnership.

Welcome to autistic "direct language".

No I totally get that. I will say, I have a profession in human (NT) relationships so I do know the bases for a healthy secure partnership. I know what it takes for commitment, you did sound direct and judgmental, but I wanted (for anyone else reading) to know I have done the work on myself to know what a committed relationship takes and am here to understand how to work through communicating this issue...because I DONT want to just ghost him.

I have always been willing to not hide behind a screen, but (for personal reasons I need you to trust me on) I met him after a string of traumatic incidents and for a while it just felt nice to have someone to talk to who wasn't judging me for my looks and just for once cared about my personality. I never said this was a relationship, though I do see how calling this a "talking stage" can steer you toward assuming I think that. I just assume us online chat friends but did catch a "love is blind" feelings for his personality so that is why I am here. Advice on how to bring this up when he is done with his therapy sessions? I was once told setting boundaries can make someone on the spectrum feel like a failure. That is where you can be most helpful...because he is the head of a college department so part of me doesn't know if he just is afraid I am one of his students? Those are the details and boundaries I would like help navigating please. Just because I need to honor myself, doesn't mean I want him to feel shame or like a failure.

 

[Tom]

Lack of Confidence = we met on Reddit...I am slowly learning that is the only safe social media place those one the spectrum want to be on.

Where in the world did you get this idea? It is probably more true to say the opposite..

I see him having porn as his special interest being problematic.

He does seem pretty clear in not wanting to jump into a relationship and keep it friendly. I think you need to respect that and will probably find attempts to push him in that direction anyway counterproductive.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

No I totally get that. I will say, I have a profession in human (NT) relationships so I do know the bases for a healthy secure partnership. I know what it takes for commitment, you did sound direct and judgmental, but I wanted (for anyone else reading) to know I have done the work on myself to know what a committed relationship takes and am here to understand how to work through communicating this issue...because I DONT want to just ghost him.

I have always been willing to not hide behind a screen, but (for personal reasons I need you to trust me on) I met him after a string of traumatic incidents and for a while it just felt nice to have someone to talk to who wasn't judging me for my looks and just for once cared about my personality. I never said this was a relationship, though I do see how calling this a "talking stage" can steer you toward assuming I think that. I just assume us online chat friends but did catch a "love is blind" feelings for his personality so that is why I am here. Advice on how to bring this up when he is done with his therapy sessions? I was once told setting boundaries can make someone on the spectrum feel like a failure. That is where you an be most helpful.

Fair enough. I see where you might feel "safe" behind a computer screen, for better or worse. However, neither of you will have any idea of each other's true personalities until the two of you actually meet and have a meaningful conversation. Behind a computer screen, anyone can be whomever they choose to be in any given moment, because it's "safe".

"I was once told setting boundaries can make someone on the spectrum feel like a failure."

Everyone needs boundaries. No one can do whatever they feel like doing. My wife and I have boundaries. Neither of us are failures. We simply both agreed upon a "social contract" with each other. All that requires is communication.

 

[FindingComfort]

Where in the world did you get this idea? It is probably more true to say the opposite..

I see him having porn as his special interest being problematic.

He does seem pretty clear in not wanting to jump into a relationship and keep it friendly. I think you need to respect that and will probably find attempts to push him in that direction anyway counterproductive.

I got that idea from other autism forums of people saying they feel safer to be social on there vs. Instagram or something. I am not saying this is a generalization of everyone on the spectrum. I've just heard it is a preference from some directly.

Yes I was thinking the same thing about the special interest. Thank you for confirming. This is where getting advice is tricky, one person on the spectrum says he has romantic feelings and now you are saying the opposite. oomph but I take your honest words to heart. Like my reply to the person above, I understand the situation I got in and per one of my rules in my post: I am not here to be judged or shamed for the situation, I would guidance as to navigate myself out of it so no one gets hurt (in the least possible way) because I am NT and want to make sure I communicate my concerns and boundaries to him clearly. That is where you will be most helpful please

 

[FindingComfort]

Fair enough. I see where you might feel "safe" behind a computer screen, for better or worse. However, neither of you will have any idea of each other's true personalities until the two of you actually meet and have a meaningful conversation. Behind a computer screen, anyone can be whomever they choose to be in any given moment, because it's "safe".

"I was once told setting boundaries can make someone on the spectrum feel like a failure."

Everyone needs boundaries. No one can do whatever they feel like doing. My wife and I have boundaries. Neither of us are failures. We simply both agreed upon a "social contract" with each other. All that requires is communication.

I read all of your comments and appreciate your understanding and thought words. For the boundaries part, the "acquaintance" I mentioned in my post who is on the spectrum told me that after I did set my first boundary with him. He went silent for two days, the longest we went without talking, and this acquaintance said he probably shut down from feeling like a failure. oomph I get mixed advice from each person on the spectrum I talk to. But I am okay with that, I like having all these honest cards out on the table for me to look at. I alredy feel stupid being in this unnatural situation.

So, I guess just state my boundaries like I would any other NT man? We've hit communication problems before because of our differently wired minds so I guess that is why I am very anxious about missing that mark on verbally handling this one. If you have a sentence or two to suggest, I welcome it you have been kind and helpful.

 

[FindingComfort]

I read all of your comments and appreciate your understanding and thought words. For the boundaries part, the "acquaintance" I mentioned in my post who is on the spectrum told me that after I did set my first boundary with him. He went silent for two days, the longest we went without talking, and this acquaintance said he probably shut down from feeling like a failure. oomph I get mixed advice from each person on the spectrum I talk to. But I am okay with that, I like having all these honest cards out on the table for me to look at. I alredy feel stupid being in this unnatural situation.

So, I guess just state my boundaries like I would any other NT man? We've hit communication problems before because of our differently wired minds so I guess that is why I am very anxious about missing that mark on verbally handling this one. If you have a sentence or two to suggest, I welcome it you have been kind and helpful.

Actually, I think I have everything I need from you and the other person on this post. I am just going to tell him things need to be ended unless he wants to find a way to share himself/his life with me more. I appreciate everyone's input and will probably close this forum out by end of the day. I will be sad but the bandaid is best ripped off quickly. Have a good weekend

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I read all of your comments and appreciate your understanding and thought words. For the boundaries part, the "acquaintance" I mentioned in my post who is on the spectrum told me that after I did set my first boundary with him. He went silent for two days, the longest we went without talking, and this acquaintance said he probably shut down from feeling like a failure. oomph I get mixed advice from each person on the spectrum I talk to. But I am okay with that, I like having all these honest cards out on the table for me to look at. I alredy feel stupid being in this unnatural situation.

So, I guess just state my boundaries like I would any other NT man? We've hit communication problems before because of our differently wired minds so I guess that is why I am very anxious about missing that mark on verbally handling this one. If you have a sentence or two to suggest, I welcome it you have been kind and helpful.

OK. I am going to come off as harsh and judgmental again.

As a female seeking a male partner, I have a question for you. I am going to preface this by suggesting that this guy, autistic or not, is exhibiting some rather weak, insecure behaviors. I will also suggest that males who are rather weak and insecure, typically fall into two personality profiles. One, being rather meek and mild, letting their feelings influence their actions, lack self-discipline, hesitation of action, and struggle though life being the target of bullies and have a "victim" type attitude, and tend to be rather financially unsuccessful. Two, being rather boisterous and projecting themselves, puffed up, trying to intimidate, but are also lack the self-discipline and control. These men, I call "beta males" can be quite dangerous to women by asserting their power over women by mental and physical abuse. They project the so-called "toxic masculinity".

Now, the question. I am assuming this person is, so far, coming off as a "nice person", BUT is this really the type of male you are seeking as a partner?

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Nothing is as important to a relationship as meeting IRL where you can develop a sense for each other. Even when I did not know I was autistic, my dealings with others were driven by ethics, and my decisions were always considerate of others. I do not see that from your description of the guy. While my future spouse and I talked for a couple of months before we met, I looked upon things as transactional as we were just discussing training for a (strenuous) project and car pooling. Little did I suspect what was in store as we surmounted things on the road and enjoyed being together. The interactions changed me, but at that point in my life I was open to change. We still have our own interests and give each other the freedom to pursue them.

 

[FindingComfort]

OK. I am going to come off as harsh and judgmental again.

As a female seeking a male partner, I have a question for you. I am going to preface this by suggesting that this guy, autistic or not, is exhibiting some rather weak, insecure behaviors. I will also suggest that males who are rather weak and insecure, typically fall into two personality profiles. One, being rather meek and mild, letting their feelings influence their actions, lack self-discipline, hesitation of action, and struggle though life being the target of bullies and have a "victim" type attitude, and tend to be rather financially unsuccessful. Two, being rather boisterous and projecting themselves, puffed up, trying to intimidate, but are also lack the self-discipline and control. These men, I call "beta males" can be quite dangerous to women by asserting their power over women by mental and physical abuse. They project the so-called "toxic masculinity".

Now, the question. I am assuming this person is, so far, coming off as a "nice person", BUT is this really the type of male you are seeking as a partner?

I guess this is confusing as I put this post on the "relationships and dating" forum, but I did not see one for friendships - unless I overlooked. I am not seeking a male partner, yes I developed feelings because a male hasn't ever been this consistent with me in support/care/reliability. I know it sounds crazy but the way he is through text is more than I've ever gotten from someone in person. So I guess that's where I got attached.

Agreed on the insecurity for sure! I do know his last relationship was years ago, she controlled him on finances and everything then left him for someone else and he is stuck with the mortgage, etc. Autistic or not, because of my profession I do know dating and relationships can cause major trauma to close someone off from future connections. So yes, that does mean he falls into the "nice guy" category.

This isn't your problem I know but to be more transparent for your sake, I've been on a dating break for a while. Men just prey on me for my looks and even the ones who get to know me and claim me as "the total package" still don't want to commit. I was in a physically abusive relationship that I got out of a few years ago and I guess that's why I initially told you this "behind computer screens" feels safe. He only cares for me as the human I am, and I don't have to worry about him putting me on a pedestal for my looks, and my body is safe (due to past trauma). Now we are just getting into hairy details haha sorry...so I got myself into a virtual friendship that I now want to either...err not give an ultimatum on because I am never that girl (I hate playing games), but I think talking with you the dead horse has been beaten enough. I would love to just be supportive friends as we built a good connection with each other...but only if he is willing to open up more to me and idk how to ask that of him (social contract, you say?) or how to let him down and walk away in the most responsible way possible.

I hope you can see I am only approaching any outcome with good intentions.

 

[Kalinychta]

Porn isn’t a special interest. I mean, unless he’s obsessed with the history of porn or something like that. I’d say he’s trying to glorify his addiction by declaring it to be a “special interest.”

Also, when someone won’t send you their photo it usually means they’re unattractive and don’t want you to know so that they can keep talking to you. Think about the excuse he gave for not wanting to exchange photos. It’s lame and clearly not the truth. Even if it were, if he’s too emotionally delicate to be able to handle seeing a photo of you, he’s definitely not relationship material.

And yeah, 2 1/2 months into your association you set a boundary, and he disappears (manipulative) and then tries to make you feel guilty for standing up for yourself (“I’m a failure”). If I were you, I would stop talking to him immediately.

 

[FindingComfort]

Porn isn’t a special interest. I mean, unless he’s obsessed with the history of porn or something like that. I’d say he’s trying to glorify his addiction by declaring it to be a “special interest.”

Also, when someone won’t send you their photo it usually means they’re unattractive and don’t want you to know so that they can keep talking to you. Think about the excuse he gave for not wanting to exchange photos. It’s lame and clearly not the truth. Even if it were, if he’s too emotionally delicate to be able to handle seeing a photo of you, he’s definitely not relationship material.

And yeah, 2 1/2 months into your association you set a boundary, and he disappears (manipulative) and then tries to make you feel guilty for standing up for yourself (“I’m a failure”). If I were you, I would stop talking to him immediately.

He didnt say it was a special interest and its like bikini photos online, Inwas assuming its just classified as a special interest because of him being male on the spectrum. Thats why I am here! To have all of you weigh in. Sorry if my post comes off as hard facts. These are mostly my opinions.

I think I mentioned somewhere on here that he has told me he is careful of his identity online because he is the head of a college department. If I didn’t say that in any other comments on here, my mistake. I will take responsibility and say I too have been afraid to see what he looks like for almost the same reasons (but for personal trauma reasons you can read my other comments).

He didn’t say he was a failure. In another comment I replied that an autistic acquaintance thought he “disappeared” because my boundary made him shut down and feel like he failed us. Again why I am on here because all of you are giving very different opinions from my autistic acquaintance (grateful you are!) but I may add some of these notes in my post so no one else is confused anymore. So sorry and your feedback was thoughtful and is appreciated

 

[Rodafina]

You said scam twice. If you are sending him money, I would stop immediately.

 

[FindingComfort]

Many of you were very helpful on my last post as to how to better understand someone high functioning I had been in the talking stages with. I also was given advice from a high functioning acquaintance that based on the "mixed signals" I seem to be getting from him (in my NT mind), it probably means that this person is just as confused about his emotions for me and does have romantic feelings like I do...but him being on the spectrum with trust issues is causing him to not understand what's going on "up there" (head/heart).
Mixed signals = calling me his special friend, but also calling us friends with benefits, but also saying I am the most positive/supportive person he's met in a long while, that I found something deeper within him that no one else has ever found....

Anyway...that's just back story of how our talking stage has been like for the past 2.5 months. But I still have two concerns with red flags (why I am here again today) and before I get into it let me set some rules:
1) Yes, I know the situation I got myself into. I didn't ask for it. I didn't expect that it would take me meeting someone on the spectrum to finally make me feel less alone in this world. His autism is my most favorite thing about him and I care so deeply, he's been the most consistent and caring person in my life.
2) Please no shaming or bluntly telling me to "get out now what are you thinking it's scam" - this is the situation I am in and we all need to accept this, I know my boundaries and after 2.5 months is why I am here now. To seek advice before totally closing the door on him. I hope you all can see how much I am trying NOT to close the door because he deserves someone to love him like I do. If you want to kindly tell me "its time to move on" I will welcome that advice

Special Interests = I've read up a lot that that is super important for someone on the spectrum and they basically won't change, so anyone in relationship with them needs to share it or accept it. His is having a taste for the female body/certain sex stuff. So while this is normal for any NT man to follow/like on social media while single, most NT men stop when they settle down and don't care for that stuff anymore. Am I wasting my time here if this "special interest" won't change with him?
Lack of Confidence = we met on Reddit...I am slowly learning that is the only safe social media place those one the spectrum want to be on. But, its Reddit - and he said almost off the bat that we do not need to share pictures (I think because it IS reddit and he didn't want to come off as a creep, we really met because I was seeking advice on a post he commented on so we both thought this chatting would only last a few sentences). A month in, I mentioned sharing our faces, but he said he "cannot" and that it already is hard on him picturing who I am (we have described ourselves) that he fears seeing actually me would make it that much harder (because we don't live in the same area). I have silently agreed because of this. I think we are both scared to open the door for physical attraction because the really will know our feelings are real and the distance means we cant do anything about it.....but then again I cannot continue to care this deeply for a faceless person

Currently, as of last week, he asked to take a step back and focus on his therapy sessions. He has been out of sorts for the past month...almost after that picture conversation I brought up. But asked to leave our chat open for when he feels better to come back because we are "good friends." Am I just fooling myself with a possible scam? Is this normal for those on the spectrum to have trust issues this deeply? Am I crazy? Am I in love? My head is tired of thinking about this....you may speak your opinions as you wish and I thank you in advance

It seems I cannot edit a posting UGH so if any of you make it this far, before commenting I need to make things clear:

Lots of the story details are in other comments so please read them first before replying. Most of this is his words, my own opinions and not what he has directly told me, and some advice from an autistic acquaintance so that is where I "get these ideas from."

 

[FindingComfort]

You said scam twice. If you are sending him money, I would stop immediately.

Nope never have and not that kind of person to intend to. Scam meant more catfishing because idk the spectrum that well and have been told by my therapist and others that being social through chatting is the only way some autistic people feel comfortable forming connections. Hell, there are NT men out there like my brother who stay at home and chat through video games every night. Its not healthy, but that's why I didnt know if this was a common spectrum thing or just him being one of those males who wants to be behind a screen and thats just the only answer.

We are supportive friends over chat, I just started to like someone for who they were coming off as and that is why I am here for help. Please read my last comment as a caveat to this whole post. It should clear things up (I had to make it as a reply to this post ebcause apparently I cannot edit an original post).

 

[1ForAll]

I am going to give a different perspective here. I have no problem with the guy and op not exchanging photos yet, because of their failed prior relationships (trust issues or wanting to take things slower) and as both may prefer to be valued in who they are and not any looks.

I had an online friendship relationship with my now wife for over a year of talks through daily instant messaging and longer emails (no phone), and we learned so much about each other. We never asked each other about photos prior as we assumed it would be just an online friend, until one or both developed more feelings. And we both have above average looks, so if anything we wanted the other to value the personalities first. We did not need to show off or hide that, and we had patience there.

I feel it is often harder to lie, and easier to find out a person better, through online, if both express better that way and based on more information given over extended time. In person, often initial impressions of looks can cloud judgment, and we can make decisions on superficial factors or without putting other important information that was needed first into context. Too much deception can occur for in-person meetings, when meetings are less or when we can make quicker assumptions based on appearance or perceived flaws like anxiety or quietness shown, which could lessen much over time. I am outgoing and easygoing with my wife these last seventeen years of marriage, when the dating months and days prior I seemed more inward, unsure and less open.

Yes, often sooner than later most people want to know who they are talking to (appearance), even if just for curiosity reasons, but that could happen when both feel ready there, and to take the pressure off that things must develop more
Why go through that potential rejection otherwise of showing a photo or in person meetings, then if things end then sooner than later the other assuming it was looks related or the other could be more superficial.

Granted, one might say, "But, this guy is wasting my time, as I cannot make a decision of how to pursue things if I am not attracted to his looks" but it seems he is not obsessed about her looks either, not knowing what she looks like, so that is fair to neither know that yet. As well, if a person either needs a photo 2.5 months or less in, or does not trust what the other is saying about their looks, or if the photo could determine much things, then the foundation for any very close longer relationship may not yet be there anyway.

However, I do agree online personalities can differ from in-person, as whereas some things can be learned better through writings, other things can be learned more in-person. For instance, many extraverts can be very brief or limited in their expressions through writing, but in-person they may seem friendlier. Introverts can often be more expressive online than in person. Or what you see online can be similar to in person. You never know until meetings I agree.

The point of this is for me to say as long as information is given and learned--without deception (it seems like both are open and truthful as possible so far)-- the friendship can remain or develop into more through patience, more understanding or compromise. You both need space at times, seem open in important ways, had a relationship that was very traumatic, each has some communication difficulties, and both have trust and stress issues. So, that shows similarities.

Whether things work out or not through that common ground and through any complementary ways/traits, or if you both see more benefits than negatives there, or if both of your important needs are met, through the other or from a combinations of others, that has yet to be determined. Time will determine that. Some answers won't be answered until any further contacts are made. At any point one wants something else, or cannot handle something, eventually they will say it with their actions and/or words--or through their inactions.

 

[FindingComfort]

I am going to give a different perspective here. I have no problem with the guy and op not exchanging photos yet, because of their failed prior relationships (trust issues or wanting to take things slower) and as both may prefer to be valued in who they are and not any looks.

I had an online friendship relationship with my now wife for over a year of talks through daily instant messaging and longer emails (no phone), and we learned so much about each other. We never asked each other about photos prior as we assumed it would be just an online friend, until one or both developed more feelings. And we both have above average looks, so if anything we wanted the other to value the personalities first. We did not need to show off or hide that, and we had patience there.

I feel it is often harder to lie, and easier to find out a person better, through online, if both express better that way and based on more information given over extended time. In person, often initial impressions of looks can cloud judgment, and we can make decisions on superficial factors or without putting other important information that was needed first into context. Too much deception can occur for in-person meetings, when meetings are less or when we can make quicker assumptions based on appearance or perceived flaws like anxiety or quietness shown, which could lessen much over time. I am outgoing and easygoing with my wife these last seventeen years of marriage, when the dating months and days prior I seemed more inward, unsure and less open.

Yes, often sooner than later most people want to know who they are talking to (appearance), even if just for curiosity reasons, but that could happen when both feel ready there, and to take the pressure off that things must develop more
Why go through that potential rejection otherwise of showing a photo or in person meetings, then if things end then sooner than later the other assuming it was looks related or the other could be more superficial.

Granted, one might say, "But, this guy is wasting my time, as I cannot make a decision of how to pursue things if I am not attracted to his looks" but it seems he is not obsessed about her looks either, not knowing what she looks like, so that is fair to neither know that yet. As well, if a person either needs a photo 2.5 months or less in, or does not trust what the other is saying about their looks, or if the photo could determine much things, then the foundation for any very close longer relationship may not yet be there anyway.

However, I do agree online personalities can differ from in-person, as whereas some things can be learned better through writings, other things can be learned more in-person. For instance, many extraverts can be very brief or limited in their expressions through writing, but in-person they may seem friendlier. Introverts can often be more expressive online than in person. Or what you see online can be similar to in person. You never know until meetings I agree.

The point of this is for me to say as long as information is given and learned--without deception (it seems like both are open and truthful as possible so far)-- the friendship can remain or develop into more through patience, more understanding or compromise. You both need space at times, seem open in important ways, had a relationship that was very traumatic, each has some communication difficulties, and both have trust and stress issues. So, that shows similarities.

Whether things work out or not through that common ground and through any complementary ways/traits, or if you both see more benefits than negatives there, or if both of your important needs are met, through the other or from a combinations of others, that has yet to be determined. Time will determine that. Some answers won't be answered until any further contacts are made. At any point one wants something else, or cannot handle something, eventually they will say it with their actions and/or words--or through their inactions.

What do I say to all of this! You type as if you read all the post/comments so I will respond assuming as such. I do agree that we both thought this would be a few quick exchanges of advice and didn't know months later we would be where we are. And now because of our past traumas, we are teetering on how to navigate this and haven't felt a connection like this in so long (dare I say ever) that we don't want to ruin it - this analogy may help with that conundrum: when someone calls you by the wrong name but you brush it off...then so much time goes by and you never found the right time to correct them so they just keep calling you by that wrong name until one day you admit it to them and you both feel like idiots (this was also a Friends episode haha). It's like that.

I mainly want to know how to have that conversation because I don't need pictures right now, I just want to make sure we are always on the same page in comfortability levels. And I don't know how to communicate to him that we can create our own pace, just as we created our own evolution of connection. Because much like you said, we met on an advice forum and I was drawn to how he worded something and then days into chatting he said he is drawn to my form of words. We both have stayed around because of how we can communicate in that way. It's almost a sharing of the same love language. No one in my NT world has ever spoken to me in the direct way that I need it (NTs still assume you know how to read between the lines, I DON'T and a lot of that is because of separate childhood trauma that left me socially stunted - so that's why both our quirks are challenging yet makes us feel less alone).

I believe someone here mentioned he is unattractive if he doesn't want to share pictures and I AM attractive which is why I don't want to share mine (it's not ego haha this is why I don't trust men, they only see me surface-level). He already knows I look like a small California blonde surfer and that I've done a lingerie photoshoot, I can tell he subtly already puts me on a pedestal.

Let me give an example for why I am here trying to navigate this and a potential conversation with him: that autistic acquaintance I have been mentioning did say modern dating has screwed us both. A few weeks ago I could feel my mental health declining and told him directly: I wanted to take a few days space to reset back to myself because I don't want how I am feeling mentally to come off the wrong way to him, and that me taking space was essentially for us and the health of our connection. That acquaintance says in his "linear" mind, nowadays when a female says (for any reason) that she wants space, it 90% of the time means she is walking away with a coward excuse. So that is how "miscommunication" happens with us, and the fact a woman he trusted has walked away from him...along with other friends who eventually get fed up with his personality.

OH and he was in the marines for maybe 15 years, so he told me a few weeks in he basically has trusted issues on top of being trained to "not get too close to anyone because eventually they will die." So I want to honor and work with how his past made him, I wouldn't ever want to control him into anything else. Just be able work with each other a bit more, all humans come with pasts and flaws.

Thank you for understanding. Not many people do and I am still not discounting how this situation sounds. The only person in my life who understand the most, is the only person who has seen some of our texts. I am going to stop here now, but if you have any advice on how you and your wife navigated those "on the same page" conversations I welcome it!

 

[Stuttermabolur]

Hi.

It seems like you both are after the same thing, but you both worry that saying so will hurt the other person. I think saying it is very important because otherwise you will continue to be stuck, but I also think it's important to keep your lines of communication open. Make sure he understands he isn't hurting you, and straight up tell him how good you feel when talking with him, and that you don't want that to end.

As much as I believe you favor direct communication with people, I wonder if you are directly communicating and listening to yourself. The fact is, you know him much better than anyone on the forum possibly can (regardless of neurotype), and I suspect that deep inside, you know exactly what you need to tell him. However, it might be scary to do as you can't know exactly how he will react, and you don't want to hurt him.

I have a suggestion. You know much better than me whether to follow it or not, but it might at least get you to see things from another perspective. Why don't you show him your message here? You are talking to a third party (so not factoring in how to phrase things for him), you are open about your feelings (in a way that might be awkward in a one on one conversation) and it shines through that you do care about him. He could also see exactly how you misunderstand him or he misunderstands you if there is some miscommunication. It's up to you whether to edit the message or tell him why you first wrote it. This could be a terrible idea, but you would know better than me.

 

[1ForAll]

What do I say to all of this! You type as if you read all the post/comments so I will respond assuming as such. I do agree that we both thought this would be a few quick exchanges of advice and didn't know months later we would be where we are. And now because of our past traumas, we are teetering on how to navigate this and haven't felt a connection like this in so long (dare I say ever) that we don't want to ruin it - this analogy may help with that conundrum: when someone calls you by the wrong name but you brush it off...then so much time goes by and you never found the right time to correct them so they just keep calling you by that wrong name until one day you admit it to them and you both feel like idiots (this was also a Friends episode haha). It's like that.

I mainly want to know how to have that conversation because I don't need pictures right now, I just want to make sure we are always on the same page in comfortability levels. And I don't know how to communicate to him that we can create our own pace, just as we created our own evolution of connection. Because much like you said, we met on an advice forum and I was drawn to how he worded something and then days into chatting he said he is drawn to my form of words. We both have stayed around because of how we can communicate in that way. It's almost a sharing of the same love language. No one in my NT world has ever spoken to me in the direct way that I need it (NTs still assume you know how to read between the lines, I DON'T and a lot of that is because of separate childhood trauma that left me socially stunted - so that's why both our quirks are challenging yet makes us feel less alone).

I believe someone here mentioned he is unattractive if he doesn't want to share pictures and I AM attractive which is why I don't want to share mine (it's not ego haha this is why I don't trust men, they only see me surface-level). He already knows I look like a small California blonde surfer and that I've done a lingerie photoshoot, I can tell he subtly already puts me on a pedestal.

Let me give an example for why I am here trying to navigate this and a potential conversation with him: that autistic acquaintance I have been mentioning did say modern dating has screwed us both. A few weeks ago I could feel my mental health declining and told him directly: I wanted to take a few days space to reset back to myself because I don't want how I am feeling mentally to come off the wrong way to him, and that me taking space was essentially for us and the health of our connection. That acquaintance says in his "linear" mind, nowadays when a female says (for any reason) that she wants space, it 90% of the time means she is walking away with a coward excuse. So that is how "miscommunication" happens with us, and the fact a woman he trusted has walked away from him...along with other friends who eventually get fed up with his personality.

Thank you for understanding. Not many people do and I am still not discounting how this situation sounds. The only person in my life who understand the most, is the only person who has seen some of our texts. I am going to stop here now, but if you have any advice on how you and your wife navigated those "on the same page" conversations I welcome it!

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I read all your prior forum posts and the replies to those. For newer members I always do that, as I like putting their recent posts into context and give more accurate or well informed opinions for any initial replies to them.

If you two communicate well with each other regarding many things, because of similarities and/or complementary differences, or at least understand much of what the other is saying or doing, or if you both feel a strong connection there, or have a combination of those things going well for you there, then that is a great beginning, as rarely will everything click right away.

Before I answer your question, let me say my wife and I have both different and similar communication styles. We both can be very lengthy through writing, but I am more organized, analytical, logical and detailed there, and she more general, scattered, narrative and creative. We both have abilities to express feelings through writing, but she can show more feelings in person, including extreme feelings. She can talk much more faster and is more lengthy there, whereas I come across as more deliberate and precise with my words. She has ADHD and PTSD. I may have a mild ASD as I have some traits there. Our two children have diagnosed ASD, with much more core components and limitations shown there.

The reason I mention this is to show persons with different personalities, abilities, traits, conditions and communication styles still can get into or have longer relationships obviously. Remember too though, ASD and ADHD are more similar conditions than not. Lots of similar components there. Often they are diagnosed as comorbid conditions, or the doctor misdiagnosed one as having the other of the two condition due to the similarities.

So any feelings of connection between you two for communications could be either because of the similarities or differences, or both. I mean my wife and I both need our times away from each other when under certain stress, but often my strengths are her weaknesses, and visa versa. I am good at living in the present, one-to-one talks with others, legal things and following rules when need be, and I make well informed decisions; she is good at group stuff, and focuses on the past and future more, and can find creative ways to get other things accomplished. This helps the relationship having differences thus too, and not just relating or having similarities.

Having said that, yes many with Autism could take things literally if you needed time away, thinking it meant disinterest, perhaps as many may themselves may do exact same (back away under stress) or distance themselves from others when too much emotion became involved. Often they could have black and white thinking here or categorize, assuming for instance why they do things, must be the same for you and others. They may want some across-the- board rule to be seen as fact, and if it is hard for them to pick up on your other nonverbal cues or to understand or process what you say.

For both those with ADHD/ADD and Autism, it can be hard to express and communicate feelings, at least partially due to executive functioning and neurological differences, different from neurotypicals who can communicate in different ways, and process things faster or differently, making sense of things regardless if the other communicates in unique ways, as commutation can instinctively be tailored to the other if desired, or instinctively to that same level.

To be upfront, if both in any relationship cannot either prioritize communications, or if one cannot adapt and speak on that other's level without stress building, after figuring out what they need there, it will be harder for the relationship to work for that reason alone. I know I cannot change my wife's communication ways, so I put pressure on myself to be the leader there and to adapt and communicate in the ways she needs.

Details stress her, and I know big emotions and coldness shown from her former family stressed her, and their pressures onto her triggered her too. I know she likes the simple things in life and art is a hyperfocus of interest too. She likes sincere compliments as well. So I speak in relaxing and general ways as much as I can to her, say sincere nice things every now and then, show interest in her emotional health and interests, and give her space to do things her timing and ways.

I cannot tell you to change your communication ways to him, as who you are caused at least some connection there, and as I either do not know if you have that ability to adapt more to his communication needs or understand fully what he wants there if he has a hard time expressing or understanding that. In general, many with Autism may want to at least sometimes be spoken to in logical or detailed ways, for things they do not understand, without hearing intense feeling there.

Before you back away temporarily, if such happens again, an example could be to consider telling him in calm as way possible that temporary distancing and time alone is natural for most all in friendships and relationships to deal with emotions that can ebb and flow in life for numerous reasons, often with no fault of the other for that, and in order to re-energize, grow and be your best for the other. If he understands that action just means that, and that you value him as a great person and friend and feel a connection there, and time away does not mean less desire as it happens in all successful friendships and relationships, hopefully he would understand, and especially when you keep coming back.