Talking to women first.

[Tony Ramirez]

If a woman says hi and talks to me I can have a conversation with her. But the big problem is I can't say hi to her if she doesn't talk to me first. I just freeze up. Chicken out. I just can't do it. No matter what.

 

[Hypnalis]

It's a learnable skill.

It's quite hard to learn, and there are many aspects to it that aren't obvious at first glance, especially for Aspies.
But it's learnable for us too.

You have a lot of work to do. Start now.

I mean that literally BTW. There are several obvious starting points that need no preparation, including at least two in your post above.

 

[Georgia Galaxy]

Lol as a woman myself, I'm sure you'll be fine but I can get why you wouldn't wanna start first. I haven't been too keen to do that either. Sometimes when I'm in new or different situations (like seeing someone I find attractive/want to talk to) my heart rate goes up and anxiety kicks in so I get how you're feelin'. Just go with the flow and see what rolls, fella.

 

[Judge]

You might simply attempt to speak to women under the most casual of circumstances. Not to establish friendship or a relationship. Just respond to retail checkers when they ask you a question or make a comment. Mind over matter. You don't mind because it won't matter.

Mindless small talk, but it's the kind that carries minimal awkwardness. I do it simply to talk to someone in real life. Otherwise much of my life is in silence other than the sound of my own voice.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

It's easier under a small group setting to introduce myself but even then she usually has to say something to me first a big exception is yoga class where the student must say hi to me otherwise I freeze up and say nothing.

 

[Rodafina]

Tony,
Can you start casual conversations with men in similar settings?

I don’t feel inclined to start conversations with anyone, but I suppose I can respond pretty well for a very short while.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

The thing is I don't want to approach guys and they usually approach me which I find annoying.

 

[Judge]

Think of casually, but briefly talking to strangers as a form of practice and repetition. The more you do it, the easier it will become. Until that fateful day when you find yourself effortlessly initiating a conversation with someone who attracts you.

I know, as I've been there myself.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Just now in yoga class I got there early and a new yoga student got there early. She was attractive. She was across from me for about ten minutes and I again froze up, chickened out. I could not say one word to her. Then another female student joined and a couple of minutes later class started. After class they both left fast and I was the last to leave class.

 

[Magna]

Don't think of them as women, think of them as human beings and in that respect, no different than you or any other human being. Also, if your goal is to talk to more women, don't think of them as potential romantic partners, again, think of them as just people.

As an example, if you were at the grocery store and there was another guy shopping there and you made eye contact with him and you said: "How's it going?" and he responds and then you say: "Have you had this kind of apple before?" and he just says "no" and he walks away...you would likely not give the conversation much thought. You initiated it, he responded, that was it. You lost nothing and gained a brief interaction with another person which was your goal.

Do the same with women.

 

[Judge]

She was attractive.

Approaching attractive women in particular may be part of your problem at the moment. You may be aiming to high, whether you chicken out in talking to them or not.

Set the bar a bit lower and see where that might take you. In any event you may find it less intimidating.

 

[Rodafina]

Just now in yoga class I got there early and a new yoga student got there early. She was attractive. She was across from me for about ten minutes and I again froze up, chickened out. I could not say one word to her. Then another female student joined and a couple of minutes later class started. After class they both left fast and I was the last to leave class.

Now that you are looking back on it, do you have any ideas of what you could have said?

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Now that you are looking back on it, do you have any ideas of what you could have said?

I wanted to ask her how long has she been doing yoga? But the words would not come out of my mouth.

 

[Rodafina]

I wanted to ask her how long has she been doing yoga? But the words would not come out of my mouth.

That sounds like a really good question. Maybe next time.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

That sounds like a really good question. Maybe next time.

There will be a next time and it will be the same outcome. I just can't do it. It makes me so depressed after. I just have so many thoughts at that time of what could go wrong.

 

[Hypnalis]

You're not going to get better at this by not doing it.

 

[tree]

There will be a next time and it will be the same outcome. I just can't do it. It makes me so depressed after. I just have so many thoughts at that time of what could go wrong.

That's definitely a problem,
telling yourself that there are many many things that *could go wrong.*

How about changing that story to something less scary?
Like, *I can say hi to this person. I won't catch on fire or explode if they
just say hi back and that's all that happens. I can say hi and they aren't
going to punch me, scream, or spit on me. It's ok to at least say hi to
this person. I can talk to people. It may be uncomfortable, but nothing
terrible is going to happen to me if I say hi.*

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I know she is not going to run away spit in my face or do things like that. There is a strong chance she will be polite. But it's still difficult because I still think but what could go wrong.

 

[tree]

I understand.
The examples I used were to point out that it is not likely
that something truly terrible would happen if you try
speaking to people.

Yes, speaking first can be difficult.
But not impossible.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

As I said before if she was to talk to me first I could then talk to her like I was able to follow up with those women from church and yes they were attractive.