Telling my spouse kinda backfired

[Amy Stone]

I am only recently self-diagnosed. After my discovery was a brief period of "is this for real?" followed by "this makes sense", followed by "wow this explains everything!". I shared my discovery with my spouse and he said how this made complete sense to him and how it explained some of my unusual reactions over the years. My diagnosis made us realized that we were speaking different languages and discussed what those differences were and I went into great lengths (Aspie style) to explain how my brain works and how I understand and interpret conversations.

For the first couple of weeks, it seemed this diagnosis improved our relationship (which was a bit rocky). We were connecting on a much deeper level. But over the last couple of days, everything changed. Now my spouse is treating me like a child, as if I have half a brain. I am asked my opinion on a subject, I briefly analyze it and give my opinion straight up...and then he starts talking to me as if I haven't thought things through.

An example:
Him: what style of door do you want on your kitchen cabinet?
Me: I get a mental picture of all doors, mentally "see" them in my head and which one I like best then give him my preferred choice.
Him: but have you thought about xyz?
Me: yes.
Him: ok but I don't think you are understanding me and what about abc?
Me: I've already thought about that.
Him: but I don't think you are thinking this through...
Me: I have thought this through.
Him: I don't think you are. I don't think you understand...
Me: just do what you want.

It is either "you don't understand" or I am spoken to in a patronizing manner (or so is appears to me). If my response doesnt match his opinion, then "I" don't understand. The other issue is I ask for a heads-up if plans change because that is one thing that really throws me is last minute changes or "ok let's go now". We discussed how I need a heads up and he doesn't respect that and thinks I am being unaccommodating.

Has anyone else experience this?

 

[_eri_bellehumeur]

I would address this immediately. He may not be doing it intentionally, and most likely is not trying to insult you, but yeah this is extremely frustrating. It may be helpful to sit him down and just outright say you've noticed him treating you differently, and ask if it has anything to do with your recent discovery and conversation regarding you being on the spectrum.

I hate this kind of reaction so much, because it seems like somebody is understanding you, but then they have ableist ideas about autistic people that completely wrecks any kinds of real communication. We're not stupid- our brain works differently. That can be both help and hinderance depending on the person and their life, but we're certainly not children.

 

[Aspychata]

Just because you told him this doesn't mean half of your intelligence is missing, set him straight. It also doesn't give him license to be disrespectful to you and berate you. Maybe it's time to sit down and have a relationship maintenance conversation.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

He might not fully understand that it is likely that, in certain areas, your IQ might be a full standard deviation higher than his. LOL!

There are individuals that think that being "different" is being "inferior" in some way,...without a fleeting thought that they might be the "inferior" one. Their ego combined with dis/misinformation will lead to this kind of thinking. It is, perhaps, a form of the Kruger-Dunning effect,...just enough information to think they are an expert,...not enough information to realize they are wrong.

I have been married for 35 years (this July). Communication style is critical,...which I believe you are aware of. The other part, is to realize, as life-partners, you are a team. It makes no sense to point out each others short-comings,...this can only lead to bad outcomes. Rather, it makes more sense to acknowledge and respect each others strengths and go with it. If you think about things like a coach of say, a football team, putting certain players in certain positions to maximize the potential positive outcomes. My wife and I have each, our separate strengths and weaknesses,...recognize, but do not point them out to each other,...use the strengths for the best potential outcomes. Sometimes, this means some separation of duties within the relationship. Take advantage of his way of thinking,...and yours,...for the benefit of both of you.

I learned as a small child, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." This is especially true when you are with your significant other. If you are with someone that has to constantly "nit-pick" and point out your "faults",...these tiny little comments that end up being "a death by a thousand cuts",...this is sadly, nothing more than the behavior of someone who is afraid, anxious,...and wants to control. It is toxic behavior that only can result in bad outcomes.

 

[Aspychata]

He might not fully understand that it is likely that, in certain areas, your IQ might be a full standard deviation higher than his. LOL!

There are individuals that think that being "different" is being "inferior" in some way,...without a fleeting thought that they might be the "inferior" one. Their ego combined with dis/misinformation will lead to this kind of thinking. It is, perhaps, a form of the Kruger-Dunning effect,...just enough information to think they are an expert,...not enough information to realize they are wrong.

I have been married for 35 years (this July). Communication style is critical,...which I believe you are aware of. The other part, is to realize, as life-partners, you are a team. It makes no sense to point out each others short-comings,...this can only lead to bad outcomes. Rather, it makes more sense to acknowledge and respect each others strengths and go with it. If you think about things like a coach of say, a football team, putting certain players in certain positions to maximize the potential positive outcomes. My wife and I have each, our separate strengths and weaknesses,...recognize, but do not point them out to each other,...use the strengths for the best potential outcomes. Sometimes, this means some separation of duties within the relationship. Take advantage of his way of thinking,...and yours,...for the benefit of both of you.

I learned as a small child, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." This is especially true when you are with your significant other. If you are with someone that has to constantly "nit-pick" and point out your "faults",...these tiny little comments that end up being "a death by a thousand cuts",...this is sadly, nothing more than the behavior of someone who is afraid, anxious,...and wants to control. It is toxic behavior that only can result in bad outcomes.

Nice- you should be a couple's counselor ☺

Sometimes the one l like says hurtful things but l bite my tongue and l say nothing, but it still hurts inside but he is on the spectrum and doth know not what he speak of. Lol

Edited: l am sure l say stupid and hurtful things too.

 

[Amy Stone]

@Neonatal RRT He is pretty intelligent and I recognize his strengths, unfortunately he also has a pretty big ego and our years together have indicated that he thinks he is always correct. In other words, I acknowledge his strengths but he does not acknowledge mine (unless you count cooking and cleaning). This diagnosis has only made this worse. I did get an Aspergers workbook for spouses that I hope will help with communication. But I don't think it will fix ego

 

[Aspychata]

I grew up with a father like this, l steer completely clear of that type.

 

[Tom]

Yes, I had a somewhat similar experience when we both came to the certain conclusion I was on the spectrum. I think my spouse initially equated ASD-1 with some degree of mental incompetence. We also both had family member's diagnosed with autism of a more pronounced nature who were really struggling and needed much more support, and I think I was lumped into the same catagory at first.

So lost for a time was the equal starting point in discussions and decision making. My opinions and reasoning were sometimes automatically suspect/flawed.

We did get past that period, but it took a while. I think the main component was her learning much more about autism (as was I thru research and being on Autism forums). It also so happened she was starting a new career and studying/training to be a special education teacher, and was increasingly exposed to autistic children and young adults. At the same time I was trying to make a sustained effort to learn from her about the NT mindset.

We eventually settled into a recognition that we both have strengths and weaknesses and that sense of equality, shared validity returned. We do in fact work better as a complimentary team with our own areas of responsibilty, though they can shift by necessity or desire.

So I would say, be patient and keep working on it. Most of all don't lose faith in yourself and your judgement. Part of the light bulb going off in the NT's head is the realization that we can be pretty darn good at many things and though we may take a different path, we also can work out reasonable solutions and solve problems, sometimes even exceptionally well, such as in a way they would never thought of. One important aspect I think is when having differing opinions to openly consider both and together decide which is the better approach (at least to try first). This is to replace the NT alway's asuming their opinion has got to meke the most sense. And I might add, it is not too rare to sometimes find the opposite situation, that is the person with ASD has a high IQ and assumes they are going to know better.

 

[Streetwise]

I am only recently self-diagnosed. After my discovery was a brief period of "is this for real?" followed by "this makes sense", followed by "wow this explains everything!". I shared my discovery with my spouse and he said how this made complete sense to him and how it explained some of my unusual reactions over the years. My diagnosis made us realized that we were speaking different languages and discussed what those differences were and I went into great lengths (Aspie style) to explain how my brain works and how I understand and interpret conversations.

For the first couple of weeks, it seemed this diagnosis improved our relationship (which was a bit rocky). We were connecting on a much deeper level. But over the last couple of days, everything changed. Now my spouse is treating me like a child, as if I have half a brain. I am asked my opinion on a subject, I briefly analyze it and give my opinion straight up...and then he starts talking to me as if I haven't thought things through.

An example:
Him: what style of door do you want on your kitchen cabinet?
Me: I get a mental picture of all doors, mentally "see" them in my head and which one I like best then give him my preferred choice.
Him: but have you thought about xyz?
Me: yes.
Him: ok but I don't think you are understanding me and what about abc?
Me: I've already thought about that.
Him: but I don't think you are thinking this through...
Me: I have thought this through.
Him: I don't think you are. I don't think you understand...
Me: just do what you want.

It is either "you don't understand" or I am spoken to in a patronizing manner (or so is appears to me). If my response doesnt match his opinion, then "I" don't understand. The other issue is I ask for a heads-up if plans change because that is one thing that really throws me is last minute changes or "ok let's go now". We discussed how I need a heads up and he doesn't respect that and thinks I am being unaccommodating.

Has anyone else experience this?

get used to not being supported I get little -> 0% support on this forum ,mirrored in real life, there's no law forcing 'people' to give you any support ,respect ,ACKNOWLEDGEMENT.

 

[GadAbout]

Him: but have you thought about xyz?
Me: yes.
Him: ok but I don't think you are understanding me and what about abc?
Me: I've already thought about that.
Him: but I don't think you are thinking this through...
Me: I have thought this through.
Him: I don't think you are. I don't think you understand...
Me: just do what you want.

I'm going to tell you what a therapist might say in a conversation like this. The therapist would turn the focus back on your husband, and instead of saying "Just do what you want," would ask "What exactly is the cause of your discomfort with my choice? Were you invested in xyz or abc?"

It's a way to flip a confusing or unproductive discussion style upside down and find out what's really going on. It might not be about your mental status at all, but instead, maybe he really hated the choice you made but doesn't feel assertive enough to say so; so he tries to change your mind.

 

[Amy Stone]

@GadAbout Great suggestion

 

[Magna]

@Amy Stone, you did the right thing in my opinion by sharing your feelings, findings, etc with your husband.

Prior to receiving my professional autism diagnosis I'd self-diagnosed and told my wife that I wanted to get an assessment. She couldn't understand why I'd want to do that because in her mind a formal diagnosis wouldn't change anything between us. I'd still be the same person to her. Still, she supported me in getting an assessment if I felt compelled to do so.

Your situation, although different than mine is similar in the sense that regardless of whether you had a professional diagnosis, self-diagnosis or no diagnosis, your challenges and differences to how he thinks, feels, processes information, etc are different than his. That certainly doesn't make you less of a person. It sounds like your husband needs some schooling into what autism is and also what it isn't.

This forum and I myself accept and support self-diagnosed people. I do thank you for clarifying that you're self-diagnosed.

I would recommend checking out AANE.org They are a wonderfully helpful autism organization and they offer a free 30 min consult with an autism therapist about anything you'd like to talk to them about. They also offer online couples counseling, etc. I used the free consult a few years ago to ask questions about disclosing my autism to my employer and they were very helpful.

 

[Au Naturel]

I am only recently self-diagnosed. After my discovery was a brief period of "is this for real?" followed by "this makes sense", followed by "wow this explains everything!". I shared my discovery with my spouse and he said how this made complete sense to him and how it explained some of my unusual reactions over the years. My diagnosis made us realized that we were speaking different languages and discussed what those differences were and I went into great lengths (Aspie style) to explain how my brain works and how I understand and interpret conversations.

For the first couple of weeks, it seemed this diagnosis improved our relationship (which was a bit rocky). We were connecting on a much deeper level. But over the last couple of days, everything changed. Now my spouse is treating me like a child, as if I have half a brain. I am asked my opinion on a subject, I briefly analyze it and give my opinion straight up...and then he starts talking to me as if I haven't thought things through.

An example:
Him: what style of door do you want on your kitchen cabinet?
Me: I get a mental picture of all doors, mentally "see" them in my head and which one I like best then give him my preferred choice.
Him: but have you thought about xyz?
Me: yes.
Him: ok but I don't think you are understanding me and what about abc?
Me: I've already thought about that.
Him: but I don't think you are thinking this through...
Me: I have thought this through.
Him: I don't think you are. I don't think you understand...
Me: just do what you want.

It is either "you don't understand" or I am spoken to in a patronizing manner (or so is appears to me). If my response doesnt match his opinion, then "I" don't understand. The other issue is I ask for a heads-up if plans change because that is one thing that really throws me is last minute changes or "ok let's go now". We discussed how I need a heads up and he doesn't respect that and thinks I am being unaccommodating.

Has anyone else experience this?

Sounds passive-aggressive. He doesn't accept your answer and will keep poking at you until you stumble upon the answer he's already decided on.

If you eventually decide you really don't like it, he'll come back and say that you agreed at the time that it was good and throw the cause of the "problem" onto you. Probably isn't even aware of what he's doing. It is one of my wife's habits too.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

@Neonatal RRT He is pretty intelligent and I recognize his strengths, unfortunately he also has a pretty big ego and our years together have indicated that he thinks he is always correct. In other words, I acknowledge his strengths but he does not acknowledge mine (unless you count cooking and cleaning). This diagnosis has only made this worse. I did get an Aspergers workbook for spouses that I hope will help with communication. But I don't think it will fix ego

Just a word of caution. A strong ego is often masking internal fear and anxiety. If he always has to be right, often confrontational or argumentative,...sometimes forceful,...shutting your thoughts out,...this is classic fear-based controlling behavior. The tiny little "digs" at you. It is a way of him masking the scared inner child. Unfortunately, there are too many scared little man-children. Some of these are the kids that bullied us in school. Some of these are the politicians trying to control women's bodies. Some of these are the man-children fascinated with big trucks and big guns, chains and leather, putting on a front of "toughness", always feeling "disrespected" and getting into fights,...whatever,...beta males. Alpha males are perfectly comfortable with and desire an alpha female for her inner strength and intelligence,...and are far more relaxed and comfortable with themselves to mask.

I don't know your situation,...I may be way off base here,...but something to be aware of when/if you engage in conversations and/or counseling.

 

[VictorR]

He might not fully understand that it is likely that, in certain areas, your IQ might be a full standard deviation higher than his. LOL!

Totally! Some Aspies have the ability, in certain areas/fields, to instantly recognize the solution to something.

The problem is that others don't see that, and when you're unable to "show your work", they think, in accordance with Occam's razor that either you cheated (e.g. math) or that you didn't give something your full consideration (e.g. in your case).

I have no idea on how to actually get around this.

 

[paloftoon]

In this door situation, when he asks about different items, try to give specific reasons why you didn't go with other choices if you can think about this.

There are situations where plans must change such as if a concert is canceled that you were planning on going to, you can't still go to it because it's not even possible. It depends on the context, but there's not only your potential accommodation needs to want as much advanced warning as possible about changes, but also it is on you to find ways that you can handle a good way to go about these scenarios.

For instance, let's say you were both going to a concert and you guys found out that the artist got sick. Despite this, let's say you still want to show up at the venue anyway and he has bowling as a backup plan that he forgot to tell you about or wanted to be spontaneous. Then, you tell him that you need to go to this venue anyway because it makes you feel comfortable and he can go bowling himself.

I think it would be good for you to have your own backup plans. Maybe always take separate vehicles to go here or there if that's a choice. Or if you're okay taking an Uber/Lyft other places if whatever change he makes doesn't work for you because he wasn't or didn't give you advance notice, then do so. When you're saying "no" to a change he proposes for whatever reasons, you need to be able to independently do whatever it is you want to do then. Otherwise, then I agree that you would not be accommodating.

Maybe if you don't feel his change is a reasonable request, just simply say he can go do this change himself and that you need personal time for yourself and will see him back at home when you're done/when he's back.

 

[Judge]

A sad truth to learn on this voyage of self discovery regarding who- and what we are.

That there will always be a scant few who want to understand and will succeed trying. More who will want to understand, and fail. Leaving the vast majority who is likely to remain indifferent, even insisting- even demanding that it is you who must adhere to their method of thinking. No matter how close you thought they were to you within your social orbit.

It's a big deal to suddenly realize you're in less than a two percent minority of society whose thought processes are different from those in the 98 percentile majority. However it's an epiphany that those other 98 percent are not likely to understand, inherently defaulting to their own thought processes. But then just like us, they're really the only thought processes they've ever known. However the difference lies in our numbers which project an overwhelming majority and a very small minority. Which in itself enables the neurological gap.

Most importantly in all this, is to understand that there are no guarantees of reaching a mutual understanding. That some get it, and most don't. And those who don't are likely to draw a line in the sand, because in their mind with their overwhelming numbers, they can.

Anticipating one to truly understand autism on any level is a huge expectation, no matter who you choose to approach.

 

[Amy Stone]

Anticipating one to truly understand autism on any level is a huge expectation, no matter who you choose to approach.

Yep.

Well...just an FYI, the workbook backfired also. I was hoping it would be a bridge in communication styles, but after he read one chapter he said "ya I am not going to do this". Suffice to say I have been put into the "snowflake" category and regret divulging my diagnosis. I would not dissuade others from telling their spouses, but maybe test the waters a bit before completely "coming out".

As for me, I will resort to my usual response which is to retreat, internalize, be agreeable and hope that with time he forgets I ever mentioned it. Ya. 1950's all over again. But here we are. He isn't a bad person...he's actually quite lovely. When you marry, you take the good with the bad and these are his flaws. They could be worse. We will get through it...or not.

 

[DogzSpirit]

Hi Amy (and others), I too, disclosed my findings to my husband. It backfired. I knew it might go either way, so I wasn't too surprised. That said, when the person for who you have their back, doesn't have yours, and won't invest the work involved to understand their partner.... It is disappointing.

I cannot begin to understand what is at the heart of your husbands response, but it appears manipulative, and he may have a certain door chosen already, and doesn't understand the cost (to you and your marriage) of being patronizing. It seems that many a NT person, when dealing with a AT spouse, quickly pronounce themselves the normal one. Most are not aware that hardly anyone is truly "normal". I do not go happily along with that portrayal. In fact, I set the record straight on many an issue.

As to my disclosure: The minute I heard my husband say "Great... Now that you know what this (me: whoa) is... Fix it!" I knew my disclosure was a mistake.

That disclosure : It's the gift that keeps giving (me: being sarcastic), for now there is a reason why I do not socially integrate with, or provoke others. It's also created what you are experiencing... an undertone that has a slight show of being patronizing... slight enough for the speaker to deny, but otherwise undeniable.

What get's me is this... The default always goes back to how well I communicate with clientele. To which I state, my clientele does not have a chip on their shoulder, or ego dictating. This communication gap, no matter your ego issues or my Aspergers wiring, is still the responsibility of two. You must take responsibility for your half of the communication, and I for my half. Where there is a will there is a way, but you have no will to overcome your challenges. Yes, you too have challenges, and are in denial.

My solution: It's on hold till I return to the US. I am in the process of reviewing area relationship counselors, in advance of our return. Then I will simply insist that we attend relationship counseling. That won't be negotiable.

I am really curious of how often this happens. I imagine a lot. I am surprised that most information online (I have found) focuses on the NT spouses challenges in regard to that AT spouse/partner. Yet, I do believe that the AT spouse is under-represented in regards to their NT partners lack of response/communication/research/support.

Research carefully researched and presented, should be read by that NT spouse... But that is another topic.

On a different note... I believe that those who subconsciously choose partners who are atypically wired, choose us for those quirks. Just as those who noted our differences in elementary school... I do not believe any of our partners/spouses can say that they didn't know. Not unless the person is masking so completely.

I didn't mask at all. In fact, when I was dating, my mother inquired of my approach in baring all. I said this is who I am (long before I knew what this was) and they better know it from the beginning. Thus many of those I dated, chose me specifically, as a result of quirks... be it sensuality or atypical wiring!

 

[Tom]

Just wanted to say it can work. Isn't easy, but it can. The reveal came to me and my NT spouse when we were in around 40. Required a lot of conversation and learning and time. And I think that basic love must still be there or able to be awakened. After a long struggle we got back to a place very similar to how it was when we started.