The children issue: should I tell my ex to test for HFA?

[Robot]

My ex is undiagnosed. I am not a medical professional. We ended because he had a "shutdown" episode.

Why I think he has HFA: we were very close for the year that we dated. He told me many thoughts and difficulties he felt. He calls himself a robot. My best friend (who has family on the spectrum) first told me of this forum. I have lurked for months, and continue to discover many descriptions that are identical to who my ex is, and what my ex has told me.

I am not in contact with him, by my choice. My question is more to do with the issue of children. He wants them, however he has often said that he doesn't know if he can cope with special-needs children. Since ASD has an 83% to 90% genetic inheritance rate, should I tell him to test if he is on the spectrum?

I truly don't care if he knows or not. If he has children more severely autistic than he is (research says that progeny are often lower-functioning than parent) it isn't my concern because he isn't in my life. Telling him would benefit him and his future wife, i.e. they can decide to risk it, adopt, etc. So I ask you all: is it the ethical thing to tell him to test for HFA, for his own future plans?

Thanks, everyone!

 

[the_tortoise]

Telling him may benefit absolutely no one, if your sudden re-appearance in his life to offer such advice/opinions is not welcome.....

However, if you are compelled to say something, then the ethical thing is to tell him that if he knows for certain he couldn't find some way to cope with having a special needs child, he probably shouldn't have children -- adopted or otherwise.

Autism isn't the only condition that confers special needs. And even a child born neurotypical and with no health problems can develop special needs at any time after birth......as a parent, your job is to take care of them no matter what. What would he do if his initially healthy neurotypical child (made from his sperm or adopted) had an accident that left them disabled or developed an illness? Abandon them?

 

[Rayner]

It’s none of your damn business. If he wants to persue a diagnosis happy meal for him, either way it is none of your concern.

My ex is undiagnosed. I am not a medical professional. We ended because he had a "shutdown" episode.

Why I think he has HFA: we were very close for the year that we dated. He told me many thoughts and difficulties he felt. He calls himself a robot. My best friend (who has family on the spectrum) first told me of this forum. I have lurked for months, and continue to discover many descriptions that are identical to who my ex is, and what my ex has told me.

I am not in contact with him, by my choice. My question is more to do with the issue of children. He wants them, however he has often said that he doesn't know if he can cope with special-needs children. Since ASD has an 80% to 93% genetic inheritance rate, should I tell him to test if he is on the spectrum?

I truly don't care if he knows or not. If he has children more severely autistic than he is (research says that progeny are often lower-functioning than parent) it isn't my concern because he isn't in my life. Telling him would benefit him and his future wife, i.e. they can decide to risk it, adopt, etc. So I ask you all: is it the ethical thing to tell him to test for HFA, for his own future plans?

Thanks, everyone!

 

[WittyAspie]

It can’t hurt to out the idea in his head. What he does with it is his own deal. He may come back to thank you some time down the road, though it could take years.

You could also direct him to this site.

 

[WittyAspie]

It’s none of your damn business. If he wants to persue a diagnosis happy meal for him, either way it is none of your concern.

That’s a little harsh. This woman is concerned about the well being of her ex and any potential children he may have. Obviously Robot’s ex can do what he wants, but mentioning it to him would be the courteous thing to do. Aren’t you glad that someone at some point mentioned HFA/AS to you?

 

[Gracey]

My ex is undiagnosed. I am not a medical professional. We ended because he had a "shutdown" episode.

Why I think he has HFA: we were very close for the year that we dated. He told me many thoughts and difficulties he felt. He calls himself a robot. My best friend (who has family on the spectrum) first told me of this forum. I have lurked for months, and continue to discover many descriptions that are identical to who my ex is, and what my ex has told me.

I am not in contact with him, by my choice. My question is more to do with the issue of children. He wants them, however he has often said that he doesn't know if he can cope with special-needs children. Since ASD has an 80% to 93% genetic inheritance rate, should I tell him to test if he is on the spectrum?

I truly don't care if he knows or not. If he has children more severely autistic than he is (research says that progeny are often lower-functioning than parent) it isn't my concern because he isn't in my life. Telling him would benefit him and his future wife, i.e. they can decide to risk it, adopt, etc. So I ask you all: is it the ethical thing to tell him to test for HFA, for his own future plans?

Thanks, everyone!

You write that you don’t care if he knows or not.
Leave it at that.
Not your monkey, not your problem.

If he and his partner choose to have their own family, it’s their choice, not yours.
You can have an opinion on whether or not he should adopt to avoid progeny with special needs but it’s yours alone.

I’m having trouble understanding why you think you can decide his and his good lady’s future concerning their own life together and family.
?
Surely it’s up to them as a couple?

 

[Robot]

I’m having trouble understanding why you think you can decide his and his good lady’s future concerning their own life together and family?

He isn't dating anyone else at the moment. He has tried to get in touch with me and I have ignored him.

Having read of how people here were relieved to have a reason for their way of being, I thought that it would be a kindness to inform him, especially because of his own caution about special-needs children (due to his middle-age, he fears). I also read of a poster, @Judge, who speculated that knowing a diagnosis may or may not have eased misunderstandings in relationships.

I think it is great that you are confident in there being a right or wrong course of action. If the consensus here is that someone with HFA would prefer to realise their diagnosis on their own, even if it takes years, then sure, that lets me off the ethical hook.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

I truly don't care if he knows or not.

Well that's a lie if I've ever heard one. You wouldn't be here having lurked for months only to make a thread if you didn't care. Well, either that or you're wanting to use ASC as an excuse to make an insult on and hurt him.

 

[Fitzo]

You could just send him a link to this site and then it's up to him where that takes him.

You may get a backlash if you are more overt in your suggestions.

 

[Robot]

Thanks for the thoughtful responses! Sending him a link to this forum, without comment, is an option. But maybe he really would prefer not to know at all, if he has HFA? I suppose some people are happier never knowing.

You wouldn't be here having lurked for months only to make a thread if you didn't care.

I lurked so as to decide if I can accept what he can and cannot change about himself. I can't so I have ignored his contact.

Well, either that or you're wanting to use ASC as an excuse to make an insult on and hurt him.

Why would that be an insult? My understanding is that HFA is a different thinking style, unlike lesser-functioning autism.

 

[Tom]

Are you sure about that inheritance rate? It seems much higher then I have seen.

I think it is ok to be concerned, but you are still in the breakoff stage if I read this right. (i.e he hasn't given up yet). So maybe now isn't the best time to bring it up.

I don't think there really is a concensus on the issue of 'to tell or not to tell'. At least not one answer fits all.

 

[WittyAspie]

Perhaps your decision about whether or not to tell him should be based on how well you think he will receive it. It might be tricky to show enough care that he will listen to a hard truth about himself while making it clear that you don't want to continue the relationship, but it's possible.

Do you mind me asking why you have chosen to ignore him? Suddenly talking to him again after no contact would seem a little suspicious.

 

[mw2530]

I am not in contact with him, by my choice. My question is more to do with the issue of children. He wants them, however he has often said that he doesn't know if he can cope with special-needs children. Since ASD has an 80% to 93% genetic inheritance rate, should I tell him to test if he is on the spectrum?

I truly don't care if he knows or not. If he has children more severely autistic than he is (research says that progeny are often lower-functioning than parent) it isn't my concern because he isn't in my life. Telling him would benefit him and his future wife, i.e. they can decide to risk it, adopt, etc. So I ask you all: is it the ethical thing to tell him to test for HFA, for his own future plans?

I'm curious as to why the special-needs children conversation came up with him. I mean, that is a possibility for anyone having children on this planet. I just find it odd.

I don't really get your post. You seem to really contradict yourself. If you don't care about him and it isn't your concern whether he has a special needs child, then it seems to me your aim is to prevent further procreation from adults with ASD. That's not for you to decide.

 

[Judge]

I truly don't care if he knows or not. If he has children more severely autistic than he is (research says that progeny are often lower-functioning than parent) it isn't my concern because he isn't in my life.

I concur. Under these particular circumstances as his ex, it shouldn't be your concern.

Though as a friend or relative I might have a different uptake.

IMO the journey one takes in discovering their own autism isn't an easy one. It shouldn't involve the "baggage" of a terminated relationship that may taint such a process.

 

[MrSpock]

I am so grateful to the woman who pointed out to me that I was likely HFA. Although our romance was not going so very smoothly it was obvious to me that she cared, and would not simply bring this up to try to hurt me. In fact this knowledge has helped me get to the point where we are going to try again, and we have a better chance.

If it weren't for her I may never have known. He seems to be trying to get back together with you, there is obviously trust there. I doubt that he will be suspicious of your motives provided you don't include your suspicion as part of an "I don't want to see you any more" letter. Of course you know him and I don't, you must ultimately judge this for yourself.

I don't see that you're attempting to control anything, seems to me you're trying to allow him better control over his life by providing important information he will likely be much better off knowing. None of us can say for sure what you ought to do, as each person is unique. It seems to me that you are going out of your way to do something very nice, and in the nicest way that you can.

Whatever you decide he's lucky to have (or have had) you in his life IMHO. Please keep in mind that this is a very explosive topic, one that will make many of us consider traumatic incidents from our own lives, and that that trauma will likely have a great effect on many of our responses. I'm sad to see that such selfless effort on your part is met with this, but I also understand it and I guess that you may have anticipated a bit of it yourself.

There is a sense in which it's not your responsibility or your business, and I can't fault what @Judge said above. I am very happy to report that there are people in my life who are neither responsible for me nor in business with me, yet who are decent people who care and sometimes take it upon themselves to help.

 

[Robot]

Are you sure about that inheritance rate? It seems much higher then I have seen.

From a replicated study with a sample of two million:
"Studies have found that autism spectrum disorder (ASD) aggregates in families, and twin studies estimate the proportion of the phenotype variance due to genetic factors (heritability) to be about 90%."

Lower-functioning autists have poorer adult outcomes. From a survey of outcomes for those diagnosed in childhood vs. adulthood:
"ASD is among the most highly heritable of complex psychiatric conditions, with a number of risk loci now identified (Tick et al. 2015). ... Adult outcome was poorest for those with the combination of ASD and Intellectual Disability (ID). The sub- group of individuals with Autism identified in adulthood whose functioning was assessed after 25 years of age had achieved more in the areas of education and independent living. All three groups had a high frequency of psychiatric co-morbidity."

If you don't care about him and it isn't your concern whether he has a special needs child, then it seems to me your aim is to prevent further procreation from adults with ASD.

Anyone who is thoughtful about family planning will account for family history of heritable conditions: cancer, cystic fibrosis, muscular dystrophy, Huntington's, etc. Considering that many adults on the spectrum are let down by a system that missed diagnosing them, isn't it an ethical matter to disclose concern? My conscience is unclear on the "right" course of action, which is why I am asking here. There is no offense in asking.

 

[Judge]

There is a sense in which it's not your responsibility or your business, and I can't fault what @Judge said above. I am very happy to report that there are people in my life who are neither responsible for me nor in business with me, yet who are decent people who care and sometimes take it upon themselves to help.

Point taken. Perhaps it really comes down to the nature of a breakup. Acknowledging that not all of them end on a sour note.

In such a case that perhaps such input might not be a precarious thing to ponder.

 

[WittyAspie]

Perhaps it would be best to consider this in a different way. Instead of thinking about what is right, ask if either choice would be wrong. Would it be wrong to tell him? The answer is no as long as you do it thoughtfully. Would it be wrong not to tell him? That depends on your own ethical beliefs concerning family planning. Obviously this still comes down to your analysis of the situation, but hopefully considering it from the angle will help you make your decision.

 

[Tom]

From a replicated study with a sample of two million:
"Studies have found that autism spectrum disorder (ASD) aggregates in families, and twin studies estimate the proportion of the phenotype variance due to genetic factors (heritability) to be about 90%."

Lower-functioning autists have poorer adult outcomes. From a survey of outcomes for those diagnosed in childhood vs. adulthood:
"ASD is among the most highly heritable of complex psychiatric conditions, with a number of risk loci now identified (Tick et al. 2015). ... Adult outcome was poorest for those with the combination of ASD and Intellectual Disability (ID). The sub- group of individuals with Autism identified in adulthood whose functioning was assessed after 25 years of age had achieved more in the areas of education and independent living. All three groups had a high frequency of psychiatric co-morbidity."

I think you may be misinterpreting the studies. At least in the first study it seems to be talking about the special case of twins, where if one twin is autistic what are the chances of the other twin being.

That does not mean that "ASD has an 80% to 93% genetic inheritance rate". I thought from previous readings the number was half that if both parents were autistic and less if only one was.

The second is frankly unintelligable to me as is. I need to see the whole study and read it half a dozen times before I understand what it is saying.

Can you give me the original sources? Selecting these quotes only just leads to a 'blank'.

 

[Robot]

I fixed the links in my earlier post.

At least in the first study it seems to be talking about the special case of twins, where if one twin is autistic what are the chances of the other twin being.

The study is about ASD in families, which included twin progeny supporting 90% heritability. From the original paper:
"The study included 37 570 twin pairs, 2 642 064 full sibling pairs, and 432 281 maternal and 445 531 paternal half-sibling pairs."

Here is a summary about the significance of the study, which is a reanalysis intended to respond to peer feedback and test previous heritability estimates: Data do-over backs dominance of genetics in autism risk.