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The dreadful, annoying, "how are you?"

I HATE this greeting. Not only because it's a greeting I use hundreds of times a day But because it's so stale and lame and many times a lie. I used to answer it honestly until I figured out it was an NT way to pretend they care when they really dont.

One time I ventured away from the scripr; very untypical of me. I told the customer I was tired and they just laughed nervously. What, can't handle a little honesty?
 
Well, I think it's fair to say that almost nobody, NT or Aspie, expects deviation from some social scripts. I think the nervous laugh just came from anxiety: "What do I say now?" Because deeper conversations typically only happen when people know each other a little better (at least in my area of the U.S.; results may vary with location), I don't expect complete strangers to care about how I really feel. "How are you?" is often a pleasantry, and pleasantries can be annoying. But they act as a "social lubricant" in conversations between new acquaintances or strangers.
 
mama_lotus said:
Yes. I hate this stupid question. I particularly hate the way my mother says it on the phone, it sounds so phony. Just get to the point. I'm sure whether you are well or not is going to come out in the conversation, so why the arbitrary "fine," if later you will reveal that you aren't. Or are, whatever. My husband does it too and I always say "I just saw you, I'm the same as I was then." Finally he apologized and said it's just a habit from work. This thread actually makes me happy because I'm not alone in how pissy that stupid question makes me.
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This. Ohhh this. I hate it so much. I work retail, and every time someone asks me "How are you?" (500 x/day) I cringe inside. Why would you ask if you don't actually want to know?! Also: if I ask, I actually want a genuine, honest response. How is that weird?!
 
Maybe, in order to get people to realise just how stupid this greeting actually is, we should all have fun with it; the next time someone asks, 'How are you?' and you just know they don't really care because they are just 'following the script', decide at that point to deviate from it. Respond truthfully, as I often do, with something like, 'No, I'm terrible, having a lousy day... shall I tell you all about it? Yes? Good. Well, it all started...'

What the world needs more of is openness and honesty, and less B.S., and this looks like as good a place as any towards getting the generally sorry state of interpersonal relationships into something resembling sanity.
 
GoofKing said:
Attempts to establish a connection with some person, "Hello how are you doing?" ... Get's a response back "I'm doing good" ... No ACK SYN ... Connection refused, no reason ...
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Working in tech, this really cracked me up. Good one!
 
Gaaah I must renege my response! I have had this thread in a dark corner of my mind this week and alas, when greeting someone I always do a canned "Hey, how's it going".... So I guess I only hate it on the phone. But. I really REALLY hate it on the phone, so. I'm just a freak.
 
True. Sometimes, there is just no way to avoid it. What gets me is when someone I can barely recall ever having met approaches in that wide-eyed sing-song manner & says, 'How AAARRREEE you?' Ummm...don't you mean 'WHO ARE YOU'?

Today, when I was walking my pug ( I skulk out before all the suburbanites come ricocheting back from work in the city to minimize the odds of this happening) some woman & her young adult daughter were right where the path emerges from the woods, walking their dog. The woman came right up to me grinning from ear to ear: "HOW AAAARRREEEE YOU?!? Long time no see!!!' (Who the H*LL IS THIS?!?) She was eye-balling me & she had these humongous round sunken yet bugged out brown eyes: the kind where you can see the white sclera all around the iris; like Cookie Monster on Sesame Street (YIKES!).

Before I could mutter the wrong thing, she began gushing about how our dogs were getting on (she has a 9yr old Bichon Frisé). Then, she asked a few dog questions I could passably answer. I even asked her about her dog. Turns out, she remembers me from high school (!!!). She went on about how I hadn't changed at all (I graduated in '82). Her dog began pulling at the leash, so off she went, waving happily. I still have no idea who she is!
 
Soup said:
True. Sometimes, there is just no way to avoid it. What gets me is when someone I can barely recall ever having met approaches in that wide-eyed sing-song manner & says, 'How AAARRREEE you?' Ummm...don't you mean 'WHO ARE YOU'?

Today, when I was walking my pug ( I skulk out before all the suburbanites come ricocheting back from work in the city to minimize the odds of this happening) some woman & her young adult daughter were right where the path emerges from the woods, walking their dog. The woman came right up to me grinning from ear to ear: "HOW AAAARRREEEE YOU?!? Long time no see!!!' (Who the H*LL IS THIS?!?) She was eye-balling me & she had these humongous round sunken yet bugged out brown eyes: the kind where you can see the white sclera all around the iris; like Cookie Monster on Sesame Street (YIKES!).

Before I could mutter the wrong thing, she began gushing about how our dogs were getting on (she has a 9yr old Bichon Frisé). Then, she asked a few dog questions I could passably answer. I even asked her about her dog. Turns out, she remembers me from high school (!!!). She went on about how I hadn't changed at all (I graduated in '82). Her dog began pulling at the leash, so off she went, waving happily. I still have no idea who she is!
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I'm still living in the same small town in which I grew up, so this sort of thing happens pretty much weekly. :P
 
When everyday speech gets mundane, take advise from my grandpa: spice it up.
How's it hangin'?
Wha's good?
How you been?
What's up?
What's goin' down?


and the replies:
Peachy
Supertabulous
Horrible: all this money pilin' up on me and nothing to spend it on.
It'd be better if I wasn't here.

Then you can call normal stuff by their Awesome Names:
the bathroom: The throne room, the john, the water park, the library
the kitchen: the food place, the woman's room (no offence, it's traditional)
the living room: the den, the hangout, hootenany/rendevous room, the real dining room.
Paper: writing stuff
Pen: writing thing
Computer: that thar newfangled thingamajig.
Light: fake fires.

If you don't like normal, mundane stuff talk funny or move to Texas. Keep Austin Weird.
 
When I was asked this question when I was younger I literally thought it meant that the person was interested in knowing how you were and I 'd answer truthfully. But I'd be very confused about their lack of response.

Then at some point I realized 'How are you?' in the social world just meant 'hi' and I didn't take it so literally.

Then when people asked How are you? Translation - 'Hi' I would just answer - "I'm good". Translation -"I knowwhatthatmeansitjustmeanshileavemealonewithyourconfusinggreetings".

It depends upon my mood though. If in a good mood I'll say I'm good and mean it but there's always an underlying confusion at the question.
 
islandria said:
Then when people asked How are you? Translation - 'Hi' I would just answer - "I'm good". Translation -"I knowwhatthatmeansitjustmeanshileavemealonewithyourconfusinggreetings".
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"I'm good" really grated on my nerves for many years because I prefer to use proper grammar. A few times if it came from a friend & I was in a playful mood, I would reply "At?"

I had to stop saying that, though, because it was taken the wrong way … guys, being guys, seemed to think it was a proposition … I was just trying to get them to finish their sentence! :tonguewink:
 
KassieMac said:
"I'm good" really grated on my nerves for many years because I prefer to use proper grammar. A few times if it came from a friend & I was in a playful mood, I would reply "At?"

I had to stop saying that, though, because it was taken the wrong way … guys, being guys, seemed to think it was a proposition … I was just trying to get them to finish their sentence! :tonguewink:
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"I guess my complete
sentence is, I'm good, thanks. When I think about it."
 
Soup: that was sooo funny. I saw a woman like that a while ago, with eyes like that, sooo creepy and the white had a greenish tint, yuck, she looked like a fricking lunatic.

Any of the mundane greetings people throw around are an insult to my intelligence. The people who use those greetings simply are not intelligent and when I get a greeting like that I usually either ignore, nod, or give an equally boring answer back because a person like that does not deserve any better.
 
Soup said:
She was eye-balling me & she had these humongous round sunken yet bugged out brown eyes: the kind where you can see the white sclera all around the iris; like Cookie Monster on Sesame Street (YIKES!).
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In John Updike's Rabbit, Run, there's a character with eyes like this, Peggy Fosnacht, who always wears sunglasses to compensate. I didn't know until I read that book (and its sequels) that there's a term for when you can see the white sclera (new word for me; fun!) all around the iris--"wall-eyed"! As in the fish. (Urban Dictionary's top definition has this one wrong--it's not the opposite of cross-eyed.)

I love mixing up my "how are you" responses when the mood strikes. Examples:
  • "I'm okay...", with a weary resignation that makes them regret asking, like they've just made me summon a tremendous well of energy just to respond. The ellipsis implied, akin to a vague sad-sack Facebook status posted to elicit sympathy.
  • "I'm awesome!", with a tone of self-love, suggesting that I'm having a better day than they are because I'm more comfortable being myself than they are, because clearly they need my validation and I don't need theirs.
 
Daniel said:
In John Updike's Rabbit, Run, there's a character with eyes like this, Peggy Fosnacht, who always wears sunglasses to compensate. I didn't know until I read that book (and its sequels) that there's a term for when you can see the white sclera (new word for me; fun!) all around the iris--"wall-eyed"! As in the fish. (Urban Dictionary's top definition has this one wrong--it's not the opposite of cross-eyed.)

I love mixing up my "how are you" responses when the mood strikes. Examples:
  • "I'm okay...", with a weary resignation that makes them regret asking, like they've just made me summon a tremendous well of energy just to respond. The ellipsis implied, akin to a vague sad-sack Facebook status posted to elicit sympathy.
  • "I'm awesome!", with a tone of self-love, suggesting that I'm having a better day than they are because I'm more comfortable being myself than they are, because clearly they need my validation and I don't need theirs.
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I often reply with a rhetorical-sounding "You don't want to know …" or "Don't get me started …" which is generally taken as an expression of the weariness of the world that all can relate to. It makes me giggle inside, because while they jump to the assumption that they can relate to my exhaustion, they show clear denial of the fact that they're one of the many causes … and because it's one of the few times that I can get away with being honest. I'm clearly acknowledging, to their faces, that I recognize that they're not the least bit interested in the answer … but since they assume it to be one of their ridiculous clichés they don't turn to hostility or defensiveness. It clearly shows that they are clueless & in denial, which just cracks me up.

These people so often show exactly who they are (to any keen observer), but they lack the insight to see it themselves.
 
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