The fear of taking risks...related to autism?

[BraidedPony]

I’m at a crossroads in my life. Maybe this isn’t even a big deal but it feels like a big deal to me. Im living in an apartment that I like OK, but it isn’t MY place. I’ve never owned a place by myself, only when married to a man that had tools and handyman knowledge.
Now I am single and a senior and there is a little cabin I want to buy. It needs some work so no bank will finance it.
I’ve been looking at the listing every day for over 200 days, looking at the photos on Zillow and daydreaming about how I would fix it up. I really want this place but I’m afraid. Will I be able to handle hiring people to make repairs and not get ripped off? Will I be able to shovel snow, carry firewood, keep a fire going so I don’t freeze to death? What if I get depressed and can’t handle something?
Is it normal to be afraid or am I sensing my limitations and should not buy it?
I don’t like the unknown.
I’m smart and good at finding solutions to problems.
Darn it, I’m confused.

 

[Mia]

It would depend on the state of your health I would think. Whether you are physically capable and able to do the things you want and have to do.

There will be issues, things you have not allowed for, but that's usual. When I moved where I am now, there were lots of good things and some downsides. Leaking roof, which I replaced. Lots of snow, and in winter I shovel several times a week.

Shoveling isn't a problem for me, as I grew up doing it. So it's a way to keep in shape. It's a question of whether you can or not, or even want to. My mother shoveled snow well into her eighties. Ownership does come with responsibilities that you don't always want.

Firewood, it can be a pain, but you can buy it and have it cut to stove length. And carry a little at a time.

Hiring people to fix things? It can work out well, and sometimes not. Just had a kitchen faucet replaced, and it took a week and several hundred dollars. So things do happen that seem annoying, but once they're over you get back to normal. I've learned a lot of things owning a home, including how to fix stuff.

If you don't want the responsibility, it's understandable that you wouldn't buy. It is easier not to own, there's no maintenance with renting. But there are other things like noise and neighbours with both renting and buying. I've lived both in apartments and homes and prefer my own house.

In apartments there were problems with new neighbors, landlords who want you out so they can raise the rent or don't repair things, or the heating was not adequate. So it depends on all of this, which can be both good and bad.

 

[BraidedPony]

Thank you Mia for your feedback.
I’ve wanted to live in this area for about 20 years but my husband at the time didn’t. Now we are separated and I feel like I should live where I want.
It’s a little cabin the the mountains surrounded my pine and aspen trees. There are birds and deer. *sigh* I sincerely tried to like homes here in town but I just don’t. I don’t like hearing and smelling the traffic. My apartment smells like the neighbor’s cigarette smoke. Last night I was walking my dog and someone was cooking hot dogs and it was sickening. I’ve eaten hot dogs, but it isn’t something I want to just suddenly smell.
If I buy the place(Mom would have to loan me the money) and it doesn’t work out for some reason, I can just hear people laughing at me for being so stupid to think I could do it. Just typing this fear is making the fear fade.

 

[JDShredds]

I'm not sure how much it has to do with autism - perhaps the desire to "get away" is the part that is more likely from someone on the spectrum - but the fear part I think is fairly normal. Just look at how many people live mediocre, safe lives because they're too afraid to take a chance.

I definitely identify with the impulse. I am far more comfortable in the outskirts/country than in town. With that said, I've grown so accustomed to being around people (lived all my life in the burbs) that isolation, particularly in case of emergency, could be anxiety provoking. I'd at least want someone nearby I could trust and count on in a pinch.

With that said, my dream is to live in a quiet place in the foothills, with the only noise coming from the trees and animals and the occasional stop from the mail person. I can't walk down a suburban street without noise blocking headphones and sunglasses without my stress levels sky rocketing (let alone in the city). I will say though that I quite appreciate when neighbors grill outside haha. I love those smells for the most part.

My advice to you is to take inventory of the practicalities. Would it actually work? And whatever you do, do NOT give ONE OUNCE of thought to what other people think. To hell with them. This is your life, and we are all entitled to follow our own path, even if we stumble stupidly along the way. That's the entire point of life. Nobody has it figured out; so let the judgmental A-holes stick it up their own.

 

[Fino]

They seem more like legitimate concerns than a general fear of risk.

 

[BraidedPony]

Thank you JD. I’ve lived my life in the safety of mediocrity. But over the last couple of years I’ve had family members pass away and it made me think about how I want to spend whatever years I left.
I’ve been careful to not be impulsive, I’ve been thinking about it for over 8 months which is longer than one of my marriages lasted!
I try not to worry about what other people think, it is a weakness or flaw of mine. It might be related to social anxiety somehow.
Anyway, thank you JD.

 

[BraidedPony]

Hi Fino. Yeah, now that you say it, they are legitimate concerns. Things need to be thought out, so nothing wrong with that.
Thank you.

 

[Peter Morrison]

If this house represents your dream, you should examine it completely with the idea of "yes". Aging is a reality that can't be altered, but it shouldn't stop you from having more of what life offers. You are smart to consider all the visible difficulties of practicality, though I would suggest you see the realities of waking up in and going home to a place that is yours and a place you would love.

As a fixer-upper, have all the serious contractor work done by professionals, legitimately, and with the assistance or advice from people in your life who have managed construction issues before. Expect to pay more than the estimates. Most people say you should double the estimated costs because of unforeseen problems, material choices, and any deliberate changes in the project. It might also be a good idea to have all your projects done before you move in. Start with a clean, functioning house.

For daily maintenance and care, owning a home will ask for some adjustments in your domestic chores. Yard care, the firewood situation, and routine seasonal tasks might be unpleasant if you don't adopt them as part of your love of the home. I see these projects as good exercise, but only you know the true extent of your physical capabilities now and in the future. Depending on where you live, I would not rule out the possibility of finding a local high school kid, who is reliable and skilled, to handle some of the difficult tasks that might be too much at any given time.

I am hoping you can find a way to grab this dream while it is available. You are already considering all the tasks involved, so the reality of making it happen is not a mystery to you. There is peace of mind knowing that the wiring is done properly, holes and leaks are taken care of, and everything you need for this new life is in place and ready for use. Nobody wants to tear up a kitchen or replace a shower after they move in.

This opportunity is exciting, and I hope you can pull it off without upset. I'm happy for you having a choice as nice as this. Eyes wide open - dream come true.

 

[Otenba]

I'm not sure how to help you, but I think your feelings are understandable. Things are going to feel amplified right now because you're going through a big change in your life, and moving home is another one. I've heard that it is one of life's biggest stressful events, so feeling the way you do is very normal. Do what you can to work out if the decision to get the place will be reasonable for you; otherwise, don't forget there may be other places out there to try for instead. On another note, is there anyone you trust who you could turn to if you do need help if you take it on? Best wishes to you.

 

[Gracey]

You’re allowed to change your mind at any time

Fix it up, move in, live some life ...
If the fantasy was better than the reality,
Sell it on, make a profit and rent again ?

It’s perfectly okay to do some or all of the above, at any time.
Your life, your choices, your happiness

It’s not like you’re acting on impulse, you’re not going into this oblivious to the realities.

There is no failure attached to any of the above, just learning.

 

[BraidedPony]

Thank you Peter. I see chores and maintenance as enjoyable because it will be my place. If not always enjoyable, then like you said, exercise! Which I need. I don’t like to exercise unless something is accomplished.
There isn’t anything I can’t do or hire someone to do I should say. Hanging pictures is about all the construction skill I have, and I’m not even good at it!
I hadn’t thought about having work done before I would move in. Good idea because I hate noise and dust and people walking around with big feet!
Thank you.

 

[Major Tom]

You never really know unless you try. I think you could do it, but what do I really know? If it were me, I'd jump at the opportunity.

 

[BraidedPony]

Thank you Otenba. Unfortunately I don’t have any friends to ask for help. I have online friends I can ask for advice though.
I’ve always married men that were good at fixing things, so I’ve never had to learn. But I’ve wanted to!

 

[BraidedPony]

Gracey! You are so right! I can always sell if I don’t like it or get tired of it. I didn’t really think of it that way. Isn’t it weird how I can completely miss the obvious until someone says it?
Thanks.

 

[Judge]

I'd be more prone to questioning if being willing and able to take big risks has anything to do with autism. Though in my own case, I like to think of how I manage risks, whether big or small.

Ultimately not something I would attribute to being on the spectrum.

 

[Gracey]

Gracey! You are so right! I can always sell if I don’t like it or get tired of it. I didn’t really think of it that way. Isn’t it weird how I can completely miss the obvious until someone says it?
Thanks.

I do it a lot lately miss the obvious

Looking at a potential worry or problem from a different perspective can sometimes ease the pressure we place on ourselves.

We’re not born already downloaded with a DIY or home ownership app’
Just a completely awesome brain that enables us to learn.

Putting pressure on ourselves to get it right first time (without any previous knowledge or experience) is a tall order for anyone.

Do your research into costs of fixing the place up and the return if you decided to sell. The financial responsibilities of home ownership, exactly what insurances cover (if applicable)
Weigh it up against what the ‘freedoms’ of home ownership and what it may mean for your own wellbeing.

Just know you are allowed to change your mind at any time

 

[BraidedPony]

Hi Maj! I think I can do it too. Maybe. I guess there is really only one way to find out. The only places here in town that I can afford are really run down and depressing. There was one place and from the photo it looked like a crime scene, with a pool of blood and everything.
This little cabin is so cute and affordable because it’s 480 sq ft and doesn’t have many things most people want, like dishwasher, kitchen cabinets, bathtub or garage. It has a shower though. It has running water and electricity. And trees!
Thank you for the support, Maj.

 

[Judge]

This little cabin is so cute and affordable because it’s 480 sq ft and doesn’t have many things most people want, like dishwasher, kitchen cabinets, bathtub or garage. It has a shower though. It has running water and electricity. And trees!
Thank you for the support, Maj.

I've always been fascinated by these micro-homes.

Though in many cases the main caveat wasn't the structure itself, but rather who owns the land and what they may charge to live on it.

 

[BraidedPony]

Hi Judge. Maybe it’s more of a fear of change than a fear of risk, or change feels like a risk. So many unknowns, each one I have to come to understand and then come up with rules to handle each thing, if that makes sense.
For example, the road isn’t paved. So will it get muddy at times and unpassable? Will it be super dusty when cars drive by kicking up dust? Do I really care?

 

[Judge]

Hi Judge. Maybe it’s more of a fear of change than a fear of risk, or change feels like a risk. So many unknowns, each one I have to come to understand and then come up with rules to handle each thing, if that makes sense.
For example, the road isn’t paved. So will it get muddy at times and unpassable? Will it be super dusty when cars drive by kicking up dust? Do I really care?

Well, many of us are steeped in our routines on a daily basis. I know I am.

Any change in my immediate environment can be troubling. Right down to replacing my sofa. Got a new dual-recliner that arrived this morning. Even that was a bit stressful. Glad this issue was resolved!