The isolation never leaves

[nowwhat]

Life has always been difficult, different problems at different ages.
I somehow thought it would work out ,I would have to with time.

It's all been difficult, from the early extreme anxiety to depression.

Now I'm a lot older I did hope that it would become my Life, I'd build some structure.

But no , it's all still a big mess and I'm disconnected from everything and everyone still.

My relationships are so distant that im not sure im even in them ,
I've had people I know die and I'm not sure I reacted

I know I do feel things because I'm so tormented by things every day .

The world to me is a street of passing strangers.

I have no answers to offer or any help. All I can assure you of is that I am in that same place as you. I have been my whole life. I understand perfectly what you mean and how it feels. I am one of many on this site who are there with you. I think somehow, that makes you something other than alone.

 

[SusanLR]

I get what the feeling of total alone is like and I don't enjoy it.
It's like floating through the world in a bubble.
You can stop and interact through the bubble, but, that's all out there and you're inside
the bubble.
It felt much more comfortable and enjoyable when I had the person I grew up with inside the bubble with me.
Now it is just me...alone...inside the bubble.

 

[SusanLR]

I must have woke up stupid... I cant think of the song Susan is talking about...
If I could I would know how to torment you... (just kidding), well maybe sort of kidding... : )

@Fridgemagnetman : Warning...
Watch song video at own risk.

For @Chance 's eyes only...
The song you said you didn't recognise:
Have at it!

 

[Full Steam]

All your replies are more than I deserve really.
Thank you for your stories.

( read signs of depression, )I don't think it is .

It's a reflection of what's really happening.

It's not a passing incident. My lifelong memories are this shade .
The people are blanks , the grown ups were the giants that were just blank and scary.

I doubt I could get diagnosed as anything with the run ins I've had with
Doctors.
Also pills just make you feel the world like rubber why do it .

From the outside everything seems ok .

At times I've burst out laughing when hugged because it was like hugging a roll of carpet .
That got me in trouble a few times .

It is an isolated world ,I truly don't know how it can function or even survive.

Not sure if I understand family or relationships.

I can float though social situations .
But does it mean anything at all .

Isolated creatures floating on a lake .

When I was depressed I looked at my life and saw only failure. Now Im well again, I see a life that's been worth living.

Only a few months ago I told my wife that if reincarnation is true, then there's no way I'm coming back here for another term.

I could not see any reason why anyone would voluntarily reincarnate here, as it's all bad and existence is torture.

I also find, that if I get deep in the pit of depression I might leave my meds in the cupboard, because "this isn't depression, it's reality".

It's not normal to feel negative about your whole existence. Even if you are alone, you can be content.

I only climbed out again last week, as I ran out of pills, and didn't realise it had got bad again, until I had a day where everything went right, I sold a few thousand dollars of service, and my wife said "we'll done, good day" remarks, and I still felt like someone had shot my favourite pet penguin.

I'd been getting depressed again for how long, I don't know.

Depression is insidious and it makes you think it's external when it internal.

You should reach out to someone, and get some help, and keep getting help until you find someone good.

You can't go through depression any more that you can go through a pit, you can only climb out.

 

[Alan tm]

Things happen to people in every life .
Who is to say what is damaging.
I could list odd things that sound quite dramatic .

psychiatrists arnt the first stop in the UK .
I saw someone 20 years ago .I found the whole thing a disaster.
I don't see pills as a fix , I've tried flipping mood and view points to see positives
Even while that was working it felt like a lie .I'd just made everything fake.

Is this infernal or external does come to mind but in the end everything is an internal process .
I start to think, Maybe I can just see things far to clear for what they really are .

Thank you all again for your messages .