14 funny true stories:
1. A man in Iran was arrested after one of the worst thought-through bank robberies in history.
During one busy lunch hour, the hapless thief - wearing absolutely no clothing at all - entered the bank and started snatching money from customer's hands. He was quickly overpowered and the Police were sent for.
The man was surprised and confused to find himself arrested as he later explained to the court that he paid a 'wizard' £290 to make him invisible - which should have allowed him to rob the bank to his heart's content.
Amazingly, the Wizard's spell hadn't worked and the man found himself facing a long prison sentence.
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2. A Hong Kong man aged 50 entered the Accident and Emergency department of a hospital, complaining of abdominal pain.
Wondering what had caused this problem, the Doctors ordered an X-ray...and spotted what appeared to be an Eel in his colon. The man admitted there was an Eel inside him as he told the dubious medical staff that he'd been suffering from constipation and thought that inserting an Eel into his rectum would relieve it.
The man was rushed to the operating room, where an emergency proctoscopy disclosed that a 50cm Eel was biting the side of his colon. The Eel had also taken a bite out of his rectal wall in transit. After surgeons removed the animal and reconstructed his rectum, the man's pain was cured.
Also, he found he was no longer constipated.
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3. A woman from Pennsylvania came home one evening to find that her house had been burgled.
Her windows were smashed and two diamond rings worth more than $3000 had gone missing. The woman was completely distraught until she noticed that her computer was switched on.
It seemed that the burglar had taken a break from robbing to surf the internet and check his Facebook account. He'd then forgotten to log off before he left. Police had no trouble tracking him down.
The hapless but socially-connected burglar now faces up to 10 years behind bars.
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4. Five Mexican thieves who broke into a house in Florida ended up getting a bit more then they bargained for.
As well as the usual electronics and jewellery, they came across three boxes of white powder in the closet of the homeowner's bedroom.
Assuming them to be drugs, they took the boxes with them and snorted the powder later that evening.
To their disappointment, they didn't even get a little bit high. It was only later after they'd been arrested that sheriffs told them the truth.
The thieves had in fact shoved up their nose the cremated ashes of the homeowner's dead father and his two beloved Great Danes.
Woof Woof.
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5. A 30 year old Slovakian man was driving when he realized that his fuel gauge was broken.
Passing a service station, he decided to stop to be on the safe side. He then realized he had no way of knowing whether he needed any petrol as it was too dark to see inside the tank.
That's when the man came up with the genius idea of using a cigarette lighter to illuminate the gloom.
To the man's surprise, the fuel tank ignited and the car blew up. The blast demolished most of the petrol station but luckily no-one was hurt and the man escaped with minor burns.
He is been charged with endangering public safety.
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6. A 23 year old man was stopped by Police in a residential area at 2:15am.
He'd been driving his high-powered sports car erratically and was detained on suspicion of been drunk before been taken into custody.
While waiting for the recovery car, two police officers who'd made the arrest started admiring the man's car – a Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution 8, which has a top speed of 175mph. Climbing inside, they decided to take it for a spin.
Moments later, they had ploughed the turbo-charged car through the gardens of two luxury homes and flipped it on its side.
The £50,000 car was written off and the unharmed police officers were suspended from duty.
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7. Police in Poland were baffled by a series of robberies in which businesses were burgled with no obvious signs of entry.
They eventually discovered that an inventive thief had been hiding inside large parcels and then posting himself to business addresses. Once inside, the 39 year old man would wait until staff had left for the night before climbing out and burgling the premises.
He would then make his getaway by resealing both himself and his loot into another box addressed to his Warsaw home and waiting to be delivered to freedom.
The ingenious scheme came to an end, however, in less ingenious circumstances after he fell out with an accomplice over the loot.
Instead of mailing him to his next target, the accomplice delivered him straight into the hands of the Police.
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8. Two men were arrested for shoplifting in Oregon after potentially the worse piece of planning in criminal history.
Having targeted a large superstore on a Wednesday morning, they proceeded to stuff their backpacks with blenders, shoes, clothes and electrical tools. However, they failed to notice at any stage during their robbery that it was in fact 'Shop with a Cop' day at the store, in which local schoolchildren were been shown around by more than 60 uniformed Policemen.
In addition to the cops, there were also Police canine units patrolling the aisles and several mounted Policemen patrolling outside as well as the store's own security guards. The two shoplifters were duly spotted and arrested while a clown entertained some children with balloons.
The men later admitted it that it probably wasn't the ideal time to carry out their crime.
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9. A 35 year old man in Cornwall was charged with fraud after claiming over £43,000 in Disability Benefits.
The man had applied for the benefits after claims he suffered from sciatica in his spine – a condition that left him with intense pain in his back and legs, making it impossible for him to sit in an office or do manual labour.
Police started to suspect he was lying, however, when he entered and won a Cornwall Strongest Man contest. During the competition, he excelled in a number of events – including lifting two 50lb gas canisters, dragging a lorry across a field and lifting a half-ton car over his head for more than a minute.
His claim that he was 'on very strong painkillers at the time' left Police unimpressed.
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10. A fun day out at a park in Australia was ruined when one 26 year old man got the wrong end of the stick.
Having heard that it was possible to light a firecracker from in between the cheeks of your buttocks, he thought it would be a good idea to give it a go.
Unfortunately, he put the firecracker in the wrong way around and the rocket exploded up his rear end.
An ambulance was called and the man survived, though his injuries would forever be a pain in the backside.
The acting senior sergeant of the local police said “we do caution people against these acts”.
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11. On Lake Isabella in California, a woman appeared to be having problems with her new boat.
Having launched it into the water, she found the 22ft yacht sluggish and difficult to maneuver. No matter how much throttle she applied, it just wouldn't go any faster.
Seeing her having trouble, one of the Marina workers offered to jump into the water and check the underside of her boat.
When he resurfaced, he almost choked because he was laughing so hard.
Under the boat – strapped securely in place – was the woman's car.
She had forgotten to un-attach the trailer.
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12. In Poland, every young man is called up to the army at the age of 18.
Upon receiving his letter, one bright spark decided the best way to get out of doing military service would be to fail his medical.
Figuring a few nasty scratches would do the trick, he went to Wroclaw Zoo, climbed inside the Lion cage and began taunting a Lion.
He shouted at it, slapped it and pulled its mane – the Lion bit his arm off.
The man was excused military service for the rest of his life, but later admitted that the sacrifice was perhaps not worth it.
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13. An unhappily married couple in Jordan got a nasty shock when both of them started cheating on each other at the same time.
The woman decided to secretly seek a new lover on an internet dating site, while her husband had also decided to initiate a 'hot and steamy' internet affair.
Eventually, they both arranged to meet their new lovers for the first time.
It was only then when they met up face-to-face that they realized they had in fact been cheating on each other with each other.
The couple are now divorced.
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14. Police in Florida were called to the scene of a nasty motorway pileup during rush-hour.
After interviewing the drivers involved, they discovered that the crash had been caused by a rather unusual reason. A female commuter on her way back from the office for a date with her boyfriend had decided to save time by getting herself ready in her car.
While behind the wheel, she had changed her clothes, put on her make-up and lipstick and then proceeded to give herself a bikini wax.
It was this final procedure which had caused the pileup.
No-one was hurt, but the woman was charged with reckless driving.
