The most incredible guy I have ever met

[Brit]

I don't want to do the crazy 'get him back' routine, i just want to give him the chance to come back if he wants to. Im scared that if i give him the space you guys all talk about, it will just be the end.

The fact that im scared of this obviously doesn't bode well.

 

[Bolletje]

I don't want to do the crazy 'get him back' routine, i just want to give him the chance to come back if he wants to. Im scared that if i give him the space you guys all talk about, it will just be the end.

The fact that im scared of this obviously doesn't bode well.

Then just tell him that you respect his decision but you’d be open to giving it another shot if he changes his mind.
But then do give him space, no matter how scared you are.

 

[Brit]

Thank you, I will, its good advice.

 

[Morph]

Yes, don't worry about giving him a bit of time and space. It doesn't sound like he's going anywhere, and the only way to fix this is to show him that you are not emotionally needy. As others have said, it was probably the emotional intensity he couldn't handle. Some of us really struggle to deal with emotions, they're too overwhelming and we have to escape the situation to stop ourselves freaking out.

 

[OkRad]

You said you were intimate . I am aspie and I do think intimacy with aspies is different. I don't want to generalize and I have not had many sexual experiences at all. However, With aspies, I think, there is more depth, more meaningful touching, exploring, looking, less talking. .

With nts, it's different. You have to talk and say what they want to hear and say things you can't really think to say and mimic what is "supposed" to be because they cant understand unspoken language.

Of course, not all people are like this. There may be an NT psychologist who knows aspie-speak. But you said you pried, asked him to talk, etc. That is exactly what I hated about nt intimacy

and I am NOT even talking about sex. Even just the closeness involved with dating. With aspies, much more intense, less talk, less demands to be fake.

I would guard yourself with intimacy with aspies if you don't understand this The intensity may be more than you understand and you will demand words from him and explanations which will exhaust him. Just a few thoughts.

 

[Brit]

Yes, don't worry about giving him a bit of time and space. It doesn't sound like he's going anywhere, and the only way to fix this is to show him that you are not emotionally needy. As others have said, it was probably the emotional intensity he couldn't handle. Some of us really struggle to deal with emotions, they're too overwhelming and we have to escape the situation to stop ourselves freaking out.

Thank you for your messages, it’s really kind of you, all of you to respond. It makes perfect sense what you say- at intensely emotional times he always fled. I pushed much too much, and then when trying to reconcile it forced him to talk to me. I thought it would help. I’m going to give him space, but I feel like I’ve really blown it, he quite concretely said it was over. We were intimate once more after that, but I still feel like he wouldn’t go back on what he said, it would be self-defeating.

You said you were intimate . I am aspie and I do think intimacy with aspies is different. I don't want to generalize and I have not had many sexual experiences at all. However, With aspies, I think, there is more depth, more meaningful touching, exploring, looking, less talking. .

With nts, it's different. You have to talk and say what they want to hear and say things you can't really think to say and mimic what is "supposed" to be because they cant understand unspoken language.

Of course, not all people are like this. There may be an NT psychologist who knows aspie-speak. But you said you pried, asked him to talk, etc. That is exactly what I hated about nt intimacy

and I am NOT even talking about sex. Even just the closeness involved with dating. With aspies, much more intense, less talk, less demands to be fake.

I would guard yourself with intimacy with aspies if you don't understand this The intensity may be more than you understand and you will demand words from him and explanations which will exhaust him. Just a few thoughts.

What an interesting insight, so true to how I experienced this man. More intense, less talk, nothing fake. Is it the ‘having to be together all the time/talking all the time’ aspect that you hated so much about nt intimacy? I probably also made the mistake of telling him exactly how I felt about him, often - perhaps he didn’t believe me/ or felt exhausted by that too.

 

[OkRad]

Thank you for your messages, it’s really kind of you, all of you to respond. It makes perfect sense what you say- at intensely emotional times he always fled. I pushed much too much, and then when trying to reconcile it forced him to talk to me. I thought it would help. I’m going to give him space, but I feel like I’ve really blown it, he quite concretely said it was over. We were intimate once more after that, but I still feel like he wouldn’t go back on what he said, it would be self-defeating.



What an interesting insight, so true to how I experienced this man. More intense, less talk, nothing fake. Is it the ‘having to be together all the time/talking all the time’ aspect that you hated so much about nt intimacy? I probably also made the mistake of telling him exactly how I felt about him, often - perhaps he didn’t believe me/ or felt exhausted by that too.

No. Your honesty probably made him really like you. It is not that there was one thing over another. It was always having to explain and keep explaining. We speak different languages. But I have dated nts that went with the flow. There are just so many contingencies! You care so much about him. In that he's so lucky. Having someone love you means more than NT or ND. I really hope it works for you

 

[Jenn]

omg, this sounds SO familiar. I've been with someone for 6 months. He hasn't admitted to having Aspergers but I've suspected for awhile. He has been growing quieter, less responsive (we even took a weekend trip together..uhg!) which has been driving me mad with anxiety. I just came back to this site to seek advice and your post was the first one I've read.

I feel on the verge of a split but am miserable about it. I feel like I'm reading my own thoughts on this post. I'm sorry you've been going through this.

 

[MrSpock]

But it’s also clearly more important to me than it is to him.

That's not necessarily so. It may be that romance is extremely important to him, but he's pretty much convinced that it is impossible for him because of this communication problem which he experiences each time he tries. If you can work through that together it may be the most important thing in his life, but he may need to be convinced that it's even possible. I don't know if this is true, but from what you've said you don't seem to be in a position to say what is going on in his head with certainty.

When you believe that you do know what is going on in his head you make it impossible for him to tell you what is really going on in his head, given that they are different. This can be the biggest problem. You have seen that you can be mistaken with him in a way which you would not be with most men because you can't read him in the same way. If you can keep in mind that you may be mistaken in the future, you may be mistaken right now and you're willing to look for the signs of that, you're way ahead of so many people in this situation.

 

[Brit]

No. Your honesty probably made him really like you. It is not that there was one thing over another. It was always having to explain and keep explaining. We speak different languages. But I have dated nts that went with the flow. There are just so many contingencies! You care so much about him. In that he's so lucky. Having someone love you means more than NT or ND. I really hope it works for you

I want to learn that language, but how to learn other than by trial and error?

 

[Brit]

That's not necessarily so. It may be that romance is extremely important to him, but he's pretty much convinced that it is impossible for him because of this communication problem which he experiences each time he tries. If you can work through that together it may be the most important thing in his life, but he may need to be convinced that it's even possible. I don't know if this is true, but from what you've said you don't seem to be in a position to say what is going on in his head with certainty.

When you believe that you do know what is going on in his head you make it impossible for him to tell you what is really going on in his head, given that they are different. This can be the biggest problem. You have seen that you can be mistaken with him in a way which you would not be with most men because you can't read him in the same way. If you can keep in mind that you may be mistaken in the future, you may be mistaken right now and you're willing to look for the signs of that, you're way ahead of so many people in this situation.

It’s so fascinating. I was sure that his very literal and direct nature was completely reflective of his thinking. If he didn’t want something it meant he didn’t want something. But then I can see that I can’t with any certainty read the way he thinks. I have also come to realise that he has been right about nearly everything he’s ever predicted/planned, about every estimation/judgement he’s ever made about anyone or thing, it scared me that he may be right about me too.

 

[MrSpock]

I was sure that his very literal and direct nature was completely reflective of his thinking.

I would tend to think that this is correct. You seem to imply that he said that he didn't want something, and that I have implied that he may indeed want that thing. Please restate this fully and specifically if I do not correctly guess at it; my guess follows.

He has said that he will never be with anyone. You have guessed that this is equivalent to him saying that he does not want to ever be with anyone, so when I say that it is possible that he does want to be with someone you think that I imply the possibility that he does not always say what he means. If I have the wording correct, what has happened is that you have assumed something about his intent that was not in his words, you have read between the lines by applying your own motivational logic to his statements, and this will not always work well - it can be disastrous.

It's possible that he's unaware of how badly miscommunication affects his relationships, and he has incorrectly assumed that what he wants badly is simply impossible when it is not. I will never fly, but because I say that I will never fly doesn't mean that I wouldn't want to have that ability or make use of it.

I am often baffled by the ability of other people to think that I have said something that I did not say. I am quite careful to avoid saying things without proper qualification, to me the statement 'x' is much different from the statement 'I guess x', or 'probably x', or 'if y then x'. 'X won't happen' is different from 'I don't want x to happen' or 'I lack the resources to make x happen'...

 

[OkRad]

I want to learn that language, but how to learn other than by trial and error?

That's a great question. Maybe ask him how you can learn his language? Sitting quietly if he likes that? Get him to trust you are not bored with silence ? Maybe just hold each other and say nothing, tantric style? He's lucky to have you and I hope to goodness he realizes it! Feel free to pm me so I will let you know if I think of anything else!

 

[OkRad]

I would tend to think that this is correct. You seem to imply that he said that he didn't want something, and that I have implied that he may indeed want that thing. Please restate this fully and specifically if I do not correctly guess at it; my guess follows.

He has said that he will never be with anyone. You have guessed that this is equivalent to him saying that he does not want to ever be with anyone, so when I say that it is possible that he does want to be with someone you think that I imply the possibility that he does not always say what he means. If I have the wording correct, what has happened is that you have assumed something about his intent that was not in his words, you have read between the lines by applying your own motivational logic to his statements, and this will not always work well - it can be disastrous.

It's possible that he's unaware of how badly miscommunication affects his relationships, and he has incorrectly assumed that what he wants badly is simply impossible when it is not. I will never fly, but because I say that I will never fly doesn't mean that I wouldn't want to have that ability or make use of it.

I am often baffled by the ability of other people to think that I have said something that I did not say. I am quite careful to avoid saying things without proper qualification, to me the statement 'x' is much different from the statement 'I guess x', or 'probably x', or 'if y then x'. 'X won't happen' is different from 'I don't want x to happen' or 'I lack the resources to make x happen'...

100% true. Unless he may have been forced to say things he doesn't mean. Or tried to modulate for acceptance. You will have to have patience to see if he has been able to retain what is natural or has gotten complicated by expectation of others.

 

[AO1501]

I suspect that when an NT hears the phrase 'I will never be with anyone', from someone with whom they have invested themselves in a relationship, what they hear is 'I don't want to be with you'.

In fact that is not at all what was said. 'I will never be with anyone' is not at all a reflection of desire and choice, but of experience and consequence.

I know that if I were to not wish a relationship with a particular person, I would say 'I don't wish to be in a relationship with you.' I would know that theoretically I could possibly be more tactful, but I would not wish to be misunderstood. Thus if I were to say 'I will never be with anyone', it is because my attempts to form and maintain relationships with others have previously foundered on things I seem to have had no control over...and possibly didn't even begin to understand. I would be making, what seems to me, a statement of inevitability.

Actually that is a statement I have made over the last few years, until I met my new partner, now wife. She is also an Aspie, and thus totally understands not to assume she knows what I mean better than I do. If I say something that she could interpret more than one way, she asks that I clarify or explain. It avoids destructive misunderstandings quite well, and is a strategy I recommend.

 

[Brit]

That's not necessarily so. It may be that romance is extremely important to him, but he's pretty much convinced that it is impossible for him because of this communication problem which he experiences each time he tries. If you can work through that together it may be the most important thing in his life, but he may need to be convinced that it's even possible.

This is the part I was referring to. I have read/understood all his statements of intent in a very literal way - 'I will never be with anyone', 'I don't need anyone' etc etc. But I did wonder why? Why would someone so wonderful 'never be with anyone'?. Maybe thats a silly question, but in my mind it didn't seem like a choice.

He once switched from his work topic of conversation - his most exuberant self - to suddenly to ask me 'Don't you think its sad that I will always be alone?' I didn't get it then, my response was you're intelligent and astute enough to decide if its important enough for you to pursue, ie. if you want it enough you will have it.

Do you think what I said was correct?

 

[Brit]

I suspect that when an NT hears the phrase 'I will never be with anyone', from someone with whom they have invested themselves in a relationship, what they hear is 'I don't want to be with you'.

In fact that is not at all what was said. 'I will never be with anyone' is not at all a reflection of desire and choice, but of experience and consequence.

I heard just that - 'I will never be with anyone' and I accepted it however sad that sounds. Could you explain what you mean by experience and consequence? Could you predict what would and would not work out? Did the relationship with your wife just click into place without any of the acrimony? Do NT-ND relationships ever truly work for you?

 

[AO1501]

What I mean is that over time, through experience of relationships, I and other Aspies, tend to gain an understanding of what the results then become. I know that my relationships with NTs have all tended to go the same way, with my partner interpreting what I mean instead of listening to what I say, and then flinging that interpretation back at me as if that is what I actually said, whilst also refusing to accept that it was not what I said.

As I posted elsewhere in one of these threads, in effect it strips me of my voice in a relationship, which is a slippery slope to failure in the future.

There are typically other problems too, such a failing entirely to understand the need to decompress after a hard day at work, or to have a bit of alone time, but that also boils down to my partner assuming she knows what I mean when I say that I need a bit of space for a few minutes.

NT-ND relationships do work, but it requires the NT half to understand the difference between their need to interpret, and the NT's need to express themselves literally. I thought my ex had managed that to some degree - we'd been together for 15 years - but perhaps she just lost the wish to accommodate my words in favour of her translations.

That was my ex. My partner now is also an Aspie, and it is such a relief not to have to battle each other over interpretations. And she is also very cute!

 

[Brit]

I'm happy to hear that!
I completely hear what you're saying though, I just wasn't used to this approach. Being British doesn't help either, where everything is about nuance/gestures/social etiquette etc.
How fake it seems in comparison.

 

[MrSpock]

I have read/understood all his statements of intent in a very literal way - 'I will never be with anyone', 'I don't need anyone'

These are not statements of intent. They may reflect intent, but as has been said already they may be assessments based on experience.

Why would someone so wonderful 'never be with anyone'?. Maybe thats a silly question, but in my mind it didn't seem like a choice.

It's possible he believes that this is not an option. He may also think that it's not entirely impossible, but that because he fails and hurts others each time he makes the attempt he ought to just stop hurting people such as yourself.