Kes is settling down well and I'm getting regular updates which is helping put my mind at rest. Of course I'll never completely be without worries about her, but I know as time goes on it will get easier. Me and Kristy feel relieved, although it will take some time for our minds to adjust. We're so used to expecting to see her at certain times, or remembering to shut her in a room when we go out of the house. We knew that first step would be hard, and yet - we're doing very well. Yes, it's still a little weird, but we're not beside ourselves with grief. Once we started getting updates, we began to feel relieved.
The evening after they took Kes I was able to eat twice. Since then I've eaten a little more regularly. I managed 2 meals yesterday, and so far today I think I'm almost back to normal. I'd dropped a lot of weight since Wednesday, which is to be expected considering my build, and how I'm constantly moving and fidgeting. In the 3-4 weeks since I started eating healthier I'd lost 10 lbs. In the space of 3.5 days since the break up I'd lost another 8 lbs. My weight should begin to stabilise now that my appetite is back. I have another 16lbs I want to lose, but I know this needs to be done in a steady manner; especially considering how rapid the recent drop in weight has been.
Whilst we want friends to help with the decorating - I overlooked the fact that people from different households can't meet indoors until at least May. Whilst I know that there's plenty of people willing to break lockdown rules, I don't want to be one of them. I'm a bit lost with what to do.
Kristy doesn't mind so much - she's met with friends on Thursday, Friday and Saturday - although these had been outdoor visits. She wants to visit friends with me tomorrow night for a board game night. Initially I said yes, but then I remember what the COVID rules are at the moment - and again, I'm not happy to break them.
I guess you could argue that my friends coming inside the house for 3-5 mins on Saturday to pick up Kes was illegal. My 14 year addiction to cannabis had me breaking the law for a prolonged period, as did my early 20's spent experimenting with other substances at parties and illegal raves etc. Is this my way of attempting to justify it? Chances are, nothing would come of it - and yet I feel there's plenty of nosey neighbours with nothing better to do.
In an ideal world I'd rather Kristy went on her own tomorrow and invited the couple over when she has days off to work on the house. We had a letter through the post recently saying how our town still had above average COVID cases and they were imploring people to respect the rules in place. If I went to the board game night tomorrow I'd spend all night worrying.
Would a £200 fine each and a police visit really be worth it? Chances are slim of course, but at the same time they live in a block of flats, and the car park is in a courtyard, so there's 5-10 flats overlooking said car park. It'd be easy for someone to notice visitors coming and going. Especially the way sound carries in flats. I don't know - it doesn't make me happy. I don't want to flake, as it's my usual go to with socialising and it feels rather passive aggressive.
Still, all these thoughts and it's clear I'm overthinking. In fact, when I describe worries in detail, Kristy will often point out that I'm being paranoid or worrying over nothing.
Therapy is tonight after work. I certainly have plenty to discuss in my first session. I want these to be long term. Usually I visit therapists for a few months - in reality I need to build a long term relationship with a therapist in order to tackle bigger issues.
I guess I can boil down my worries to 4 major topics right now:
- Getting the house decorated and stuff into storage without breaking lockdown rules.
- Having the house sell quickly with no issues such as people backing out from the sale.
- Things remaining civil with me and Kristy. I have a real fear in a few months time maybe she'll start dating. Personally I think we both want and need time single, especially after a 5 year relationship together. I guess I just worry about "what if's" should that happen. I suppose my brain is making worst case scenarios from how our friendship and breakup could go from polite and civil, to hurtful and potentially dramatic.
- Finally - loneliness after we go our separate ways. I'll be going to a new house, and I hope I make some friends. Not having friends where I work makes me think I should job hunt and move to Cambridge. I know people who still live there, and I think a completely fresh start might help.
As usual, my brain won't stop overthinking and being bombarded with intrusive and repetitive thoughts.
I should really remind myself of how parting with Kes was - the main difficulty was my own self-doing. The real world is often a lot less scary than my internal monologue would have me believe.
I used to ring Kristy every day on my lunch break as I walked through the woods to go staff. I suppose there'll be plenty of changes in old routines that will take some time to get used to. She said she was still happy for me to call if I had anything I needed to talk about.
Focus at work has been ok. Not great, and the system moved to the cloud - so there was a lot of IT issues this morning. I lost all my files, I lost all my web browser bookmarks and logins etc. We all have our own way of working - and I'm very particular. Having most things break, and a lot of things disappear stressed me out. The system is also slower now, and that doesn't sit right with me. Working from home was always slow, but now it's slow in the office too. If I can't work at my own pace, I feel mentally tense.
Thursday and Friday at work were a lost cause - I couldn't focus. I feel better today, but far from 100%. There's still a lot to process for both of us, although it should get easier in time.
Still feeling isolated at work. People talking and having fun and I spectate. I spoke a bit with my supervisor. A few jokes and laughs. But I still feel distant from people. The past 2 nights me and 3 friends had a Discord voice chat whilst we played a game. Saturday night was nice. Last night one of the people who joined doesn't appeal to me so much. He can be very rude and stand off-ish. The game we played is still quite new to me, and a couple of times I made mistakes which had him shouting and swearing at me and trying to be-little me. I didn't respond, but it wasn't pleasant. I feel tense every time he comes on chat. In fact, the first time he came on chat my gut instinct knew that he was going to cause issues.
There's a few people on the server who can get shouty and stuff. Most of us are relaxed and have a laugh. We don't shout at one another, the closest to hostility is the occasional jokes or sarcasm at someone's expense. But a few people will shout and swear and I hate it. I loathe confrontation, and I play video games to relax and get away from reality and anxieties etc. To have enjoyable moments ruined by someone who constantly puts me on edge isn't nice.
I think that's a big fear when moving into a house share - will there be people in the house who trigger me. Can't really win - either I live alone and I'd feel isolated and be financially struggling. Or I move into a house share, and chances are - being such a particular person; I live with people who cause me a lot of mental distress.
EDIT: I messaged Kristy saying I was worried about tomorrow and Sunday breaking COVID rules, she replied "stop thinking about it."
Sound advise I suppose, although implementing it might not be as simple.
Ed