• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

The stress of starting/trying to date someone

2 out of 3 are NTs but one is grew up with Aspie friends and family.
to me a conversation is an exchange of dialogue, there doesn't have to be a point - though sharing information about each other (likes and dislikes, dating no-no's, kinks, etc) is normally how it works. Passing the baton is when you've got to that point where it's the next person's turn to talk, but they don't reply.
1; person lives a bit away has a job that they have to respond to quickly sometimes,, even on days off. I suggested ways to cope with that and they seemed excited, but never confirmed. This person admits to chronic bad texting skills
2; met on dating app, got along amazingly, free flowing conversation, great exchange. Than when talking about setting plans, picking location went great, setting a day and time did not . . .
3:... Less an issue now? We had a chat today about their own speed of text and that they know they are flaky because their own aspieness
 
Most people "manage" dating because of our sexual urges. They don't do it for the thrill or because of the difficulty except for the minor few. Generally speaking, if you're trying to date/commit to other people and you're still living with your ex, that's awkward for the other person trying to date you. I'd stick to fwb type scenarios if anything until one of you has moved out or you know someone that is actually okay with your current situation. If you are considered a super hot model to most people or very jocky, then dating may be difficult in that you have "too many options" but you know you can end up with someone fairly quickly if you wanted to basically.
 
Spencer Carr said:
2 out of 3 are NTs but one is grew up with Aspie friends and family.
to me a conversation is an exchange of dialogue, there doesn't have to be a point - though sharing information about each other (likes and dislikes, dating no-no's, kinks, etc) is normally how it works. Passing the baton is when you've got to that point where it's the next person's turn to talk, but they don't reply.
1; person lives a bit away has a job that they have to respond to quickly sometimes,, even on days off. I suggested ways to cope with that and they seemed excited, but never confirmed. This person admits to chronic bad texting skills
2; met on dating app, got along amazingly, free flowing conversation, great exchange. Than when talking about setting plans, picking location went great, setting a day and time did not . . .
3:... Less an issue now? We had a chat today about their own speed of text and that they know they are flaky because their own aspieness
Click to expand...
OK, thanks for the additional detail. I'll offer some interpretations but don't be upset with me if I'm wrong. One possibility might be these people "aren't that into you" for intangible reasons, but you aren't really doing anything wrong. Another possibility is setting up a next encounter may actually be trickier for your partners than you think, either they are too busy, or they just aren't good time managers. Another possibility is you need to be a little stronger in pushing for the baton hand-off, not allowing an excuse like "too busy."

The other thing I would suggest, but it's very hard because it's an awkward conversation, is to just ASK - once you are sure you have been turned down. "Could you tell me where things went downhill? The information would be helpful to me for future situations." A lot of times they'll say some truism like "It's not you, it's me," but occasionally you can get an honest answer.

Dating is hard, and I give you some credit that you are getting as far as you have. If you are experiencing much distress when the baton gets dropped, then I would recommend just working on one relationship at a time and being patient. You can have a few in the pipeline while working on one relationship, but don't allow yourself to get too invested in any one thing and then being hurt.
 
I would like to date as well. It really sucks when the person you've been with as a friend partner for 15 years throws ya aside like garbage and treats you as garbage. then because the situation we're still living together though we have separate bedrooms and she goes on dates all the time and then all day long she treats me like trash, shut up leave me alone. then she goes on a date comes home all hyper and starts bragging about how everyone's treating her and how she got kiss and this guy is like this and like that and it sucks
 
Dating is weird, stressful and alien to me. That’s why I usually sleep with people I like straight away. Afterwards, if we’re mutually interested in getting to know each other better, we can continue hanging out but it’s less awkward because we’ve already seen each other naked.
 
Bolletje said:
Dating is weird, stressful and alien to me. That’s why I usually sleep with people I like straight away. Afterwards, if we’re mutually interested in getting to know each other better, we can continue hanging out but it’s less awkward because we’ve already seen each other naked.
Click to expand...

Wow. I thought I was the only one who did that.
 
I am not sure. Sex on the first date, I have never done that. I am very paranoid about touch. It takes a long time before I am comfortable enough to have someone in my personal space. I am co-occurring though with depression and complex trauma. I do not even like handshakes or hugs until I feel safe in the relationship. My dad is the only person I let hug me.
 
I am fussy about certain kinds of touch, not others. I don't like holding hands. In fact, I don't like the palm of my hand touched at all because I find it very personal and it makes me feel vulnerable. I also don't like my mouth touched (so no first date kisses!), but otherwise being sexual with another person is almost easier than talking and it gives me confidence that we're both into each other. I can't get the same level of confidence from words alone.
 
I can see that I just do not understand the whole courtship. I need clear signals and sex, as a rule, does not give me that. people expect me to just understand what they want or are asking for and I am lost. I do not want to do something wrong. It is way to ambiguous for me to just jump in. I am post op trans so that is also a factor but before I fell in with my now ex 15 years ago I had dated several transmen. A few genetic men and several women. I never slept with them until we lived together. My now ex is the only other MTF I have dated. She is also post-op. We never had sex but the therapists tell me that was not my issue but she used denial of sex as a control mechanism. So it is all confusing. I just want to find another aspie who is into the same subjects as I obsess about. For conversation and companionship and then to learn sex together.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

New Threads

Top Bottom