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The Struggle of No Friends/Relationship....

N

nerdking44

Active Member
I must admit that I secretly get jealous/envious when I see other people having a good time with friends or guys having a girlfriend.... If you are single, how do you feel about this?
 
nerdking44 said:
I must admit that I secretly get jealous/envious when I see other people having a good time with friends or guys having a girlfriend.... If you are single, how do you feel about this?
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Your feelings are understandable and when I was younger I could really and truly relate. As I get older, I am more content and at peace with who I am so I am less apt to compare myself to others. Sometimes the feelings of loneliness come when we compare our lives to others. When I was in my 20s, I would feel envy of others in a relationship but I no longer feel that way. Relationships can sometimes look more glamorous when you're on the outside and looking in. In reality, relationships can be stress inducing; especially new ones. If you're seeking a relationship, I suggest letting one come to you. I've been told that sometimes when we actively seek relationships, we can give off an aura of desperation. My best relationships happened when I wasn't looking for anything serious.
 
Mattymatt said:
Your feelings are understandable and when I was younger I could really and truly relate. As I get older, I am more content and at peace with who I am so I am less apt to compare myself to others. Sometimes the feelings of loneliness come when we compare our lives to others. When I was in my 20s, I would feel envy of others in a relationship but I no longer feel that way. Relationships can sometimes look more glamorous when you're on the outside and looking in. In reality, relationships can be stress inducing; especially new ones. If you're seeking a relationship, I suggest letting one come to you. I've been told that sometimes when we actively seek relationships, we can give off an aura of desperation. My best relationships happened when I wasn't looking for anything serious.
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I had always been in relationships of one kind or another, though not usually very healthy ones. However, I thought of myself as someone who needed to be with someone, in the sense that while I knew I was capable of taking care of myself, I thought being alone would be difficult, and I'd likely be lonely.

The end result is that I really believed that a bad relationship was bette than no relationship.

That turned out to be very wrong. When my ex and I split up after 15 years, I discovered that I had felt harmed by the relationship over the final couple of years or so enough that I was relieved to be on my own, and actually thrived that way, establishing a very happy and contented life alone, thinking that this would never subsequently change, because in the end, I knew that truly I didn't need anyone else at all.

Perhaps I really had needed other people before, or perhaps I was just afraid of having to do everything for myself, and manage to deal with a whole household of complications without any help or guidance. Either way, discovering that I actually liked living on my own and really very isolated from others was quite a pleasant surprise.

Right then, when I least needed someone, and was most confident in myself, someone I had known, even if a little distantly, appeared on my horizon. What began as occasional conversations became frequent conversations, then visits, then weekends together, and now we are married and life is just as happy and contented for us both at it had been for both of us before we got together.

The time when friendships and relationships seem to work best, is when you don't need them. I think that is also where the best of them tend to be found.
 
AO1501 said:
I had always been in relationships of one kind or another, though not usually very healthy ones. However, I thought of myself as someone who needed to be with someone, in the sense that while I knew I was capable of taking care of myself, I thought being alone would be difficult, and I'd likely be lonely.

The end result is that I really believed that a bad relationship was bette than no relationship.

That turned out to be very wrong. When my ex and I split up after 15 years, I discovered that I had felt harmed by the relationship over the final couple of years or so enough that I was relieved to be on my own, and actually thrived that way, establishing a very happy and contented life alone, thinking that this would never subsequently change, because in the end, I knew that truly I didn't need anyone else at all.

Perhaps I really had needed other people before, or perhaps I was just afraid of having to do everything for myself, and manage to deal with a whole household of complications without any help or guidance. Either way, discovering that I actually liked living on my own and really very isolated from others was quite a pleasant surprise.

Right then, when I least needed someone, and was most confident in myself, someone I had known, even if a little distantly, appeared on my horizon. What began as occasional conversations became frequent conversations, then visits, then weekends together, and now we are married and life is just as happy and contented for us both at it had been for both of us before we got together.

The time when friendships and relationships seem to work best, is when you don't need them. I think that is also where the best of them tend to be found.
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Wow, you just told my life story! I was in two bad relationships, one right after the other, and then I sort of shut down for a long time. I began to enjoy my own company, and sought higher education, and then a career. Just when I was feeling content with my lifestyle, I unexpectedly met someone at a support group for adults on the spectrum. We are now happily married! I wasn't looking, not longing, not desperate; but I did spend many years feeling envious of others, and wishing so hard for someone of my own. I think when we are content with ourselves, that seems to attract others.
 
This is very complicated. When I was young and isolated, it was safe. When I reached out, I ended up abused. Eventually, I started to go around people without expecting anything and then just began to experience other people in a quiet way, not talking. There is an arc for all of us. I would not say we are ALL in danger but I would say that being Aspie can make us more vulnerable. I think often our lack of relationships may be a way that we preserve ourselves. But then we branch out. I am not sure! But you made me think. You are young and I am sure this is not how it will always be for you. Of course, I can't tell, but I hope you are able to reach out some time, even if it's just to explore and watch.
 
I have friends and other people who would likely want to be friends if I let them get closer. So I can't remember ever feeling jealous of more sociable people. Having more friends would require more time and work to maintain the relationships. In regards to dating, like others have said; sometimes it is better to be single than in a relationship with the wrong person. I don't envy others for being married/dating, as I know there are many people that aren't happy despite technically being 'with' someone.

I've been on dates with several men, but my two longest relationships were with the wrong people and in hindsight were more damaging than beneficial as I wasted time and energy that I could have spent building up other areas of my life. I wasn't very happy after my first break up and never really dealt with it. As a result I entered into a rebound relationship that lasted years longer than it should have, as I missed being in a relationship with someone and was scared of going through another break up. When that finally ended, I had to essentially deal with two break ups at once. The relationships themselves were draining and emotionally damaging in hindsight. It was a constant rollercoaster. There was a lot of frustration on both sides, but neither of us wanted to feel like we were giving in. Quite a few of the couples you "secretly get jealous/envious" of are experiencing the same thing, despite outside appearances. Don't assume being single is the terrible option. Being with the wrong person is far worse.

I would strongly advise waiting until you meet someone who is compatible rather than wishing to meet 'someone' just to date. Taking the time to build a life, home, family, etc with a partner and then realising you don't actually have much in common and aren't a good team is a difficult experience. Divorce is painful and expensive.
 
I haven't had a relationship or RL friends for years now. I don't because I've tried that particular flavor of "life" before and it's just not for me.

Yes, of course I was abused and used and such but the overriding reason isn't so much the individual experiences - rather, it's the general themes I see in all people, over and over and over. They're tendencies that seem to have more to do with human nature than any individual's inclinations, and I could reckon with those (primarily self-serving) tendencies if I really wanted to, but I don't want to.

So it's by that reasoning that I've arrived at the conclusion that relationships, in general, are a net negative for me at least.

***

Another way of putting that would be that I could put up with people's BS if I wanted to, but I know from much and varied experience that it's just not worth it so I remind myself, despite having a desire for relationships, that it's not actually worth it when all is said and done.

It is possible to be happy on your own. This is part of it for me; not longing for what I don't actually want.
 
I don't feel envious of others in relationships.
I've been in a couple that were more grief than pleasure.
If you don't feel the desire for a serious relationship or marriage/family then you can't envy what you don't feel.
That desire doesn't automatically switch on for everyone.
All I ever wanted from a relationship was someone to have fun doing things with.
Sort of like a good friend, only a little bit more intimate.
Friends with benefits? I suppose.
No plans for a future of creating a family or living together.
I could never seem to bond close enough with others to desire that.
 
Honestly most of the time I just dont give a crap.

Back in high school, I got bullied alot. And while I dont work a job these days and havent in probably a decade, when I DID work, it used to always be in places where dealing with customers was constant.

Both of those two things taught me something: People are jerks/idiots/morons/nasty. Not to mention shallower than a puddle in way too many cases.

One reason why I never get envious of the friendships of others: Alot of those friendships arent real. Too many are the fake "look, I have friends, SEE HOW SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE I AM, EVERYONE!!!" sort that are more about improving one's perceived status, than actually caring about the friend you're with. If you actually pay attention to the behavior of others around you, you can actually freaking WATCH this happen. But with the advent of social media, it's not exactly hard to spot now. It's always been there, but that brought it out into the spotlight.

Dont get me wrong, I have had friends, but very, very few. Just one, at this point. One of the only genuine ones I've ever found... believe me, they're rare.


Now, as for romantic relationships? One word sums up my thoughts on that: "UGH"

Just... no. Absolutely not. Not happening. Frankly the idea disgusts me. I already hate most people enough as it is... why in the numerous hells would I want to be essentially tied to one on a permanent basis? It just means more responsibilities, and more of my time being required by someone else. And... all that physical affection. Again, "ugh". I dont even like hugging anyone (well, dogs & cats are the exception). The very concept of freaking kissing someone.... uuuuuuuugh. I honestly cant even watch someone do that. Or listen to it. Disgusting.

So, I go out of my way to make sure that will never happen. I dont flirt with anyone, and if I think someone's getting flirty with me, I leave (provided I even notice). And I'm not exactly the most pleasant person, and some of that is absolutely on purpose. Keeps people away. Granted, I barely interact with anyone outside of the family to begin with.

The fact that other people get "happy" due to being in relationships means little, as far as I'm concerned. People get happy over ALOT of random things. There are those that get happy over jumping off a freaking bridge with a crappy parachute. Sure doesnt mean it's a good idea to try THAT.

There, that's my completely useless thoughts on that matter, you're welcome.
 
I am in a relationship and still feel that horrible emotion when I see other couples who are happy and living life!

It seems for me, no matter how old I get, that feeling just does not go away and of course, it is what we hanker for in our own lives, why we compare and envy.

I am terribly ashamed to admit, that I also get jealous and begrudging when someone else has something wonderful happen to them. I am deeply ashamed, because it is not a good emotion as I certainly have no wish for others to suffer.

Think it comes down to when one is suffering and they meet others who are suffering, there is connection there and so, when that connection breaks, it is rough. But saaying this, I am not loud when things go my way, because I would not want to elicit that emotion in another.
 
nerdking44 said:
I must admit that I secretly get jealous/envious when I see other people having a good time with friends or guys having a girlfriend.... If you are single, how do you feel about this?
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When I'm alone, I feel conspicuous in my aloneness. I feel like everyone around me is on a date or out with friends, and I can't even make small talk with people without feeling like I'm intruding on something. I don't begrudge other people their relationships and friendships exactly, but it makes me feel a little self-conscious and awkward to see other people having a good time with others when I'm feeling isolated.

Mattymatt said:
Relationships can sometimes look more glamorous when you're on the outside and looking in. In reality, relationships can be stress inducing; especially new ones. If you're seeking a relationship, I suggest letting one come to you. I've been told that sometimes when we actively seek relationships, we can give off an aura of desperation. My best relationships happened when I wasn't looking for anything serious.
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Yes, this. Whenever I've made connections with people, I wasn't looking. I just happened on them. It's not a repeatable process, at least not for me.

nerdking44 said:
Indeed.... Actually, I can’t stand “Public Affection”. And no, if I had a girlfriend, I would make sure not to do that, either....
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I can't stand Public Displays of Affection (PDA) either if they are really cloying or obnoxious, like constant giggling sweet talk or making out in public. I've got nothing against PDA per se, I just don't like it when it's too over the top.

Strangely, I also wonder about couples who have no PDA whatsoever. They don't hold hands or hug and kiss, they just appear to be close-ish friends when they're in public, if that. I know they're together as a couple, but they don't really appear to like each other all that much, so I just wonder.
 
I'm single and it drives me insane seeing people happy with their girlfriends. I'm 22 and with the exception of one guy I've known for 11 years I have no friends. I'm very self conscious (I think I spelt that right) about how alone I am and it preys on my mind every waking moment. It's caused me massive depression over the years and even though I'm moving to a new city this weekend to do a postgraduate degree I can't see my situation changing based on past experiences (four years at one uni didn't make a single friend).
 
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