We have social anxiety that prevents us from socializing very well.
We say only a couple of words or absolutely no words unless absolutely needed.
We’ve all managed to figure out our alphabet, some simple math, etc.
You may or may not recall when learning to do some basic math it was a bit hard at first but after we started doing it more it gradually became easier, so why is it that we haven’t tried it with socializing? Why haven’t we begun to seek more social interactions which in my belief might just help socializing become as easy as knowing 2 + 2 or even your dare of birth.
Do we refuse to try because our brain is saying “what if this, what if that...” do we refuse because we don’t know what to say or how to continue on a conversation? Maybe?
So if we’re able to ignore the what if thoughts, and be able to know what to say, and be able to continue a conversation, would that allow you to socialize? Or would you still feel trapped? Because i believe that with practice & dedication we’d be able to do all of that, but why don’t we?
I've arrived at the same dubious conclusion myself many times. I've convinced myself that if I could only put a straight jacket around the negative self talk and catastrophe predicting that I would, somehow, become more social. Unfortunately this conviction ignores two important aspects of the 'social' world.
Firstly, and perhaps more importantly, all social interactions are contextual. I've learned the hard way that social skills hard won in one context don't necessarily transfer to another. When I was a support worker I could interview even small groups of people successfully but found it excruciating to 'shoot the breeze' with colleagues during a break. I knew what was expected but couldn't do it: I couldn't keep up. So one thing we forget is that the social world is context specific, but there is something else we also forget.
Social interaction requires you to sync your self contained world with the world of 'others'. Mediating between these two worlds in notoriously difficult for those of us with ASD. For starters, we have to manage our emotions and expectations while trying to translate symbols from one mode into the other. Add to this the fact that our nervous system is likely on high alert, and it's not difficult to see why we struggle.
None of this is to say that it can't be done. It can. I have managed to 'chew the cud' successfully with complete strangers, albeit in a superficial way. Then again, talking to strangers is always superficial, isn't it? The problem is that there has to be a lot of neatly lined up ducks for me to pull this off, and if one of my ducks is down; for example, I am on the way to being overloaded or my depression is biting, then I won't have the energy to try.
SO, while I think the ability to restrain the nagging mind will help, socialising will be, for me at least, an effortful activity; one that I can engage in only when 'the stars are aligned', when I am calm enough, relaxed enough and hopeful enough. That is, I don't think it will ever become automatic. Even if I mastered my social multiplication tables socializing will never be as easy as 1,2,3.
