I have been a whiny spineless worm for far too long.
I was raised to be spineless, after all.
But I have the power and the discipline to forget that noise and build myself up.
I had the discipline to give up beer, after all. That is just the beginning. It does not have to end there.
Grey rocking my blood family is a must.
Finding a better job is also on my agenda.
Expecting change from narcissists was insanity on my part.
Me too
I just want to run away because all people do is hurt me
So I can just be alone with my pain because no one in my life would hurt me directly anymore
I may seen stupid and probably in some ways I am very limited but I am actually really smart if people were not hurting me all the time.
Like I am very organised and very smart and I do not put limits on myself. I would definitely maybe try something to see if I could do it first when I was well
Like lately I went to the bank, op shop
I know when to not push myself.
Because when you are sick you need rest and to take care of yourself, your body and your mind
And I have taught myself a lot and I think woman can and have been gifted with that skill and sometimes I cannot do things but I do not think it is fair to limit a person intellectually or otherwise or think woman aren't competent or smart
Other women will be threatened and jealous by that so it is best to avoid them.
I can achieve as much intellectually as a man or more if i aspire to do it. A good husband would not be threatened but just amazed and proud and help in other ways.
People are often threatened by an intelligent and capable woman and think they need to tear such a person down but if woman ruled the world or more woman it would be better.
because they can compromise better in some situations and with others and are more patient overall and better with people and often verbal skills and are warm too so people woman to hear their speeches because they will inject them with humour and warmth and be really colloquial
And are organised and efficient
How would I know this otherwise?
I can compromise sometimes and be patient but I would not be a leader.
I get tired, I rest
I take care of myself but I still fight to do things and try my best and like a clean space
I am proud of myself.
I cannot help the other things that play on my trauma brain
It is not easy being triggered by situations and struggling with paranoia
I did my best and i do not mean to hurt others but some things I regret and wonder about choices but it was trauma and I may have made toxic choices at the time.
I cannot blame myself I could not take anymoge negativity or people and their problems
They made me very sick I am sick and needed it off my shoulders.
I do not stop fighting though I am not perfect and have inner struggles and know I am autistic
But it does not mean laying in a pit and staying there.
But I guess only God knows people and their issues and pain so close that door and know triggers and lack of empathy at times do not make you bad.
You may just expect people to not be so dark and negative or do something positive to help themselves but I also know everyone needs help at times and if it is not available it is not.
People will be threatened because you do not stay down even through struggles you rise and I have had plenty of times being down and I always kept my faith and that spark of hope and light so I deserve the best because I did it for others and I may struggle and am no superhuman but I deserve to be well and happy and have a beautiful life and it is sad I would do so.much for others when app I want is a simple and happy life and thst is why i regret it because I thought of others the whole time and wanted to see them happy and do better off and always was their cheerleader
And held people highly and loved them and thought highly of them with a geniune heart
And there is no sin in that
And why kind of abuser would keep me down again and take my dreams I have always clung to and make me hurt myself so badly I will never be with my family again who always did love and appreciate me even if they were not everything I needed and say I was beautiful and talented.
And then tell someone with borderline personality disorder and severe trauma that they should just tolerate being used and abused by people they did so much for and it is their fault when they were struggling and that no one in their lives generally loves them or could be what they needed.
Or no one wants to see them happy because they were unwell to support them earlier or somehow it is my parents fault.
And I am a sensitive and emotional soul at times and in the past I did feel beautiful before anyone threatened it.
I felt my eyes were very pretty but I am going through an illness where I lose perception each day
Buy I thought my face was pretty but it was hard to feel like me because of my underweight
I was crying behind my eyes so hard it got unbearable.
And whenever anyone said something horrible to me, I got upset
My tears were so bad for my family, my life, the world
I thought my eyes were very pretty I thought someone should wrap my legs in a blanket and put me in wheelchair.
Bit how it is fair I would be treated like this by people I did so much for because I was vulnerable, isolated and alone
That was me and I was a very positive soul who always thought of the good
And how you can go through emotional regression because your pain gets very bad and back to playing barbies when I never did in my life want barbies and then be told you are not the same person. I was the same person I was just discovering myself and growing up.
And I feel different when I lose weight.
Like I feel like more weight makes my body feel different and I was more stable mentally with more weight even doing my art.
