It KEEPS happening. I say something that upsets or offends somebody. About all they can EVER say about why it did so is 'the WAY it's said'. Yet, when I ask about that, I'm told not to care about it! That means not caring if I offend or upset people. Anybody got any better advice, PLEASE?
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The 'Way' it's said?
- Thread starter BruceCM
- Start date
GhettoButterFly
Well-Known Member
Hm... I wouldn't know how to help you, Bruce. 
Maybe thinking before you speak might help or trying to reward what you say. :S
I am now more often to bite my tongue now not to offend anyone, but my actions tend to get everyone mad anyways. So pretty much, we're almost in the same boat. So I can't really offer you much advice. Again, I am sorry Bruce.
Maybe thinking before you speak might help or trying to reward what you say. :S
I am now more often to bite my tongue now not to offend anyone, but my actions tend to get everyone mad anyways. So pretty much, we're almost in the same boat. So I can't really offer you much advice.
Again, I am sorry Bruce.
Kit
Well-Known Member
I honestly don't know how to help you because I need examples and if I don't have any, I don't know how to help you or to see if I have any advice.
Wrongplanet is very active and I haven't seen you there in awhile, maybe you will have better luck there getting more responses?
Wrongplanet is very active and I haven't seen you there in awhile, maybe you will have better luck there getting more responses?
Balamvucub
Well-Known Member
An 'example would be good. If you use words that they are not familier with for example would cause problems,I found this out by using 'sapient' enstead of 'smart' in talking to some one and he called me a few explitives for doing so,so I had to really pay attention to what words the other person was using,and use the same class of words. I hope this is of some help.
Balamvucub
Well-Known Member
I am not familier with 'Autism Speaks' are they the ones who put out some sort of 'video concerning related matters,and did not do any one justice by doing so? Please excuse my ignorance concerning these people,but please remember that I am 'new' at this,and am only trying to figure out things myself. As far as my asking wether or not you use technical words,sorry about that as this is a 'problem' that I sometimes have,and had honestly thought that it might have been this that has caused problems with you as well.Please excuse me for this.
GhettoButterFly
Well-Known Member
To make you feel better, Bruce. I have the similar problem, and also I have "The way it is done" problem. 
I think know how to kind of fix that problem, but still everything I try to "fix", everyone gets mad in the process.
I think know how to kind of fix that problem, but still everything I try to "fix", everyone gets mad in the process. 
Luvyahbaby
Well-Known Member
Normally I just start out with something like 'just in case anyone thinks what I'm going to say is offensive let me just come clean and say its not my intention however it has to be said...'. It used to happen to me cause I'm female and can have a low yet strong and sometimes raspy voice that somehow can penetrate through walls and society finds is 'wrong' and I always got the crap about 'the way it was said'. Another thing...if they do not volunteer to say what they mean tell them that YOU are offended by people passing judgement on you for your words yet have not stated any basis for their harsh judgement and that you are being judged unfairly - with a straight face of course so they can never accuse you of being 'OVEREMOTIONAL'. With this they feel a bit pressured to say what they mean. Then you can state your intention and clear the air. I used to play the 'sexism card' too ..'what....do you have issues with my voice...not feminine enough for you?' Then I'd have a laugh.
Ta. It'd be very difficult to get the 'straight face', if not impossible for me, though. I mean, while emotional sounds like a criticism, so does unfeeling or cold! Since the people most in question can't even agree now that I do know what way I do mean to say anything, I can't discuss anything with them. Yet if I'm throwing away the years of effort I put in to trying to build relationships there, I can't find the motivation to start all over again somewhere else.
Well, I have had this happen to me before too, and it is a rare person indeed who will give you concrete examples. Most people won't. I suspect that when someone says "it's the way you say things" or something similar, they are trying to excuse their behavior by putting the blame on you. They are not in the least bit interested in helping you. They just want to justify their rejection.
My advice, don't waste your time on people who play games like that. Life is too short. I spent years in a friendship that I now realize was never really a true friendship. There were warning signs all along that these people were shallow and two-faced but I ignored them because I was too insecure to strike out on my own. Finally something happened that I could no longer ignore and I broke off. It wasn't easy. But I have learned it is better to be alone than to be with people who are just using you.
My advice, don't waste your time on people who play games like that. Life is too short. I spent years in a friendship that I now realize was never really a true friendship. There were warning signs all along that these people were shallow and two-faced but I ignored them because I was too insecure to strike out on my own. Finally something happened that I could no longer ignore and I broke off. It wasn't easy. But I have learned it is better to be alone than to be with people who are just using you.
"So I should have left home when I was a child then?" Ok, here is an example of a remark that came across as sarcastic. Obviously I wasn't talking about a time and situation that you had no control over then. What I was talking about is a situation that you have control over now. You are an adult and can make choices. What I meant was that if you are in that kind of situation and you do not have to be, then don't stay in it.
You come across as being defensive, which I can tell you from sad personal experience is a dead-end road, no matter how "right" you may be. Defensiveness is not a position of power. And as long as you come across that way, you will not achieve power. By power I mean taken seriously and actually listened to.
My company is always running mini-classes on communication and other work-related issues, and one of the things they keep repeating is that it is how the other person (the listener) hears what you have to say that counts, not what you intended when you said it. That means if I think you are coming across as sarcastic, that has more weight than your saying that you didn't mean to be sarcastic. We are always being told to think about what we say and what we write and how the other person might receive it. When I first heard that kind of talk, my reaction was What? Then I realized that I was reacting in a defensive matter and that instead of automatically building up my defenses to reject what they were saying, maybe I ought to look at it from their point of view.
As I said, it is a rare person who will come out and say specifically what it is about the way you say things that turns them off. When someone does, the best response is, "Thank you."
You come across as being defensive, which I can tell you from sad personal experience is a dead-end road, no matter how "right" you may be. Defensiveness is not a position of power. And as long as you come across that way, you will not achieve power. By power I mean taken seriously and actually listened to.
My company is always running mini-classes on communication and other work-related issues, and one of the things they keep repeating is that it is how the other person (the listener) hears what you have to say that counts, not what you intended when you said it. That means if I think you are coming across as sarcastic, that has more weight than your saying that you didn't mean to be sarcastic. We are always being told to think about what we say and what we write and how the other person might receive it. When I first heard that kind of talk, my reaction was What? Then I realized that I was reacting in a defensive matter and that instead of automatically building up my defenses to reject what they were saying, maybe I ought to look at it from their point of view.
As I said, it is a rare person who will come out and say specifically what it is about the way you say things that turns them off. When someone does, the best response is, "Thank you."
Well, it was supposed to be a bit sarcastic. Thanks but it doesn't provide guidance for dealing with anybody else. Generally, it hasn't been a problem in workplaces. Is there any way for me to know you're right about those? I was also suggesting that my parents probably weren't just trying to use me, by the way.
I am trying to provide you with guidance. When you respond with sarcasm, even if you think it is called for, it does turn people off and then they don't want to talk/cooperate/help any more. I mean, you do not even know me, and yet this is how you responded.
As my supervisor is always saying to me, Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Think about how you are coming across to them. Now, since I don't know you and aren't present when you are having difficulties interacting with others, I don't know the whole story. I only know how you are coming across to me. I cannot give you specific help because I don't know the specific conversations. I only know this specific conversation, and I can tell you quite frankly, it made me go Whoa, what is up with this person? What's the deal with the 'tude?
It seems to me you have a choice. You can continue to choose to be sarcastic and defensive amd I can guarantee you will continue to fail and you will continue to be unhappy. No, there is no way to know that I am right, only by trying a different approach and see what happens.
As my supervisor is always saying to me, Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Think about how you are coming across to them. Now, since I don't know you and aren't present when you are having difficulties interacting with others, I don't know the whole story. I only know how you are coming across to me. I cannot give you specific help because I don't know the specific conversations. I only know this specific conversation, and I can tell you quite frankly, it made me go Whoa, what is up with this person? What's the deal with the 'tude?
It seems to me you have a choice. You can continue to choose to be sarcastic and defensive amd I can guarantee you will continue to fail and you will continue to be unhappy. No, there is no way to know that I am right, only by trying a different approach and see what happens.
Do demonstrate 'putting yourself in the other person's shoes', which'd be me. As you say, you'll be limited in your ability to do that here but you're telling me to do that whilst not really demonstrating it. Yet you're probably better at that, generally speaking, than I am. I'm not currently 'choosing to be defensive'. If I'm supposed to ignore what others say about 'the way it's said', I'll practice with whoever is currently telling me that. In this case, that's you. If you want me to listen to what you say about 'the way it's said' or 'comes across', since it's the same thing, don't tell me to ignore others about that.
What I meant by ignoring others is when they clearly are not interested in helping you. But I can see we are getting nowhwere fast with this. I am not sure what you want. I am not sure what "really demonstrating it" means. If you want to ignore me, go right ahead. If my advice, based on experience, isn't good enough or clear enough, then I don't know what is.
I used to play the "nobody can help me, nobody can understand me" game a lot when I was younger. I would ask for advice, then when I got it I would turn on the person because it wasn't "appropriate" or "useful". I felt very justified in doing so. Then I would complain that nobody liked me, that nobody wanted to help. It is a very vicious circle and the ONLY way that you can get out of it is to stop focusing on SELF and start thinking of OTHERS. Lest you think, "oh, that's easy to say," let me tell you it took FOUR DECADES for me to get that concept. But once I did, things slowly started turning around. No, things aren't perfect, and I still have problems some times, but I am getting better. But you have to take that first step, which is hard. I suspect that you have the tools already, or at least some of them; the fact that you know how (but not when) to use sarcasm is a step ahead of a lot of people with ASD's who don't have that capability. But it is up to you.
I used to play the "nobody can help me, nobody can understand me" game a lot when I was younger. I would ask for advice, then when I got it I would turn on the person because it wasn't "appropriate" or "useful". I felt very justified in doing so. Then I would complain that nobody liked me, that nobody wanted to help. It is a very vicious circle and the ONLY way that you can get out of it is to stop focusing on SELF and start thinking of OTHERS. Lest you think, "oh, that's easy to say," let me tell you it took FOUR DECADES for me to get that concept. But once I did, things slowly started turning around. No, things aren't perfect, and I still have problems some times, but I am getting better. But you have to take that first step, which is hard. I suspect that you have the tools already, or at least some of them; the fact that you know how (but not when) to use sarcasm is a step ahead of a lot of people with ASD's who don't have that capability. But it is up to you.
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