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The 'Way' it's said?

Hey Bruce, how's it going?
To me, there is some level of misuderstanding here, beginning with your problem and the way you expressed it in your post. All of this is Hans' fault. So, let's see if I understood what you're actually going through and can help.
First of all, NT's are very emotive beings. And do you know what they are most emotional about? Themselves. NT's are all about "me, me, me". The thing is we are not too sensitive sometimes and can come across as harsh without any intention whatsoever. Besides, I for one, have a problem with voice inflection. But, as we do care about people's feelings, we want to make everything clear and others to feel good in our presence. So we ask "what did I say?". But some damage was done. And the person just say: "It's just the way you said it". Luckily, people who really like us are willing to forgive. And most of them who are familiar with us just get used to it.

That being said, let's see if I can help you avoiding all this to happen. Let me give you an extreme example about working enviroment. As I said, people tend to be self absorbed. What they say and feel are important to them. What they hold as being true and good is important. Their ideas might be utterly stupid, but they are important. So, we must be careful identifying these subjects and addressing them. To the example:

A colleague gives an idea.
You say: That can't do any good for obvious reasons. (Even worse, you say that in front of others).

You can be totally right, but that's a terrible way to approach it. You can say things like "that might work, but, in my opinion, we could think about these points (a, b, c..) that can be problematic. Perhaps, a better way to do it would be..."

Family situations can be a bit more dramatic, but should be easier. The thing you should keep in mind is: people hold their feelings as important to them. If they talk about them, please show respect. And people don't like being told they are wrong or how they are supposed to feel. Even if you mean to help them. So, you have to be careful (and it's worthy) when discussing such topics. Try not to sound arrogant. You can say things that show you can relate to your listener (even if you don't), such as: "I would hate it if it happened to me" etc. And then you say what you really mean and think is helpful.

I hope this helps in some way and I didn't sound too obvious.

All the best.
 
As far as possible, I try to treat everybody with respect. The problems I refer to don't tend to occur in workplaces, so it's socially. Generally, that's not really with my parents, although I see them fairly often. So far, though, I have no way at all to predict what will sound, say, arrogant, rude, etc, etc, etc, etc. Or some things seem obviously so & I don't say them but there's too many that are claimed to be & I've no idea how or why they seemed that way. It comes back to somebody being there, during such discussions, really. Nobody to do that, so that's about it.
 
Now I'm confused. hahahaha

Hey, I wanna tell you a story that happened to me. I was having lunch with my boss, a couple of supervisors and some colleagues. We were talking about a property of one of the supervisors located in the countryside of the state, in the mountains, in a very nice area with forests and natural landscapes. All of the sudden I say: "I'd love to live there, at the top of the mountain, and never hear the human voice again." And I was serious. Everybody laughed. They know that there's something a bit odd about me, and they are ok with it. It was only later on that I realised that what I said wasn't nice at all. But hey, the hell with it.
 
Confused by what? If I'm supposed to think about the way things I say may come across, I've really not got any way to do that any better. Without being there, you won't know what I said, my tone of voice, facial expressions or body language. Any of which may have conveyed aomething other than intended. Not sure what I'm to do with your story!
 
It's all about prosody and context. If you don't understand these things, the best thing to do, would be to simply tell the person that you don't understand them.

If they choose to judge you on it after you've told them, they have the problem, not you.
 
Great, except I've no idea what 'prosody' means, at all & it's far too late to look it up. Since that's never been covered, at all. Also, I have asked about context; obviously, there's some parts I get, like the difference between general socialising & the workplace. But there's no way given to deal with any more than I do manage & I have asked enough times. Oddly, when I do, it's one of those things that isn't supposed to matter. Not that those telling me so will tell the people who insist it is important so. That's largely why these problems continue. Also, I'm told, that it's up to me to fit in (or other Aspies will put it that most people do think so). Thing there being that it is those people that have a go at me about 'accepting others as they are', too. Course, so much rampant hypocrisy isn't supposed to matter, when it's me suffering as a result of it. Only when it's others getting it.
 
This does cover almost all the problems I have, socially & is why I got diagnosed with Asperger's in the first place. If this can't be discussed & addressed, I'm sorry I can't continue to contribute to the forum.
 
Yo Bruce, dude, I sort of understand your frustration (if I may call it that), but bear in mind that this is probably one of the biggest difficulties that we aspies encounter venturing out into the world. As this thread goes into a second page now, I'd say we are trying to discuss it, and some interesting points have been made so far, so please be a patient and maybe we will come up with something that works for you.
It's been suggested before, but why not provide us with more specific examples. I mean next time you have a run in with someone about 'how it's said', why not come here and try to reiterate what you said and the subsequent reaction, so we can discuss it on a case per case basis. Maybe then we can get a little further.
I'd very much like to give you one definite answer and tactic that works every single time, but I'm afraid something like that just doesn't exist, and if there is one, it would probably take a long time to master it. In my experience it's best to just use platitudes in some situations and keep the 'real' communication for people who I know are able to deal with it. Or for those times I just don't give a **** about what they might think, sort of 'I have to deal with you, you'll have to deal with me, and if what I say makes you feel uncomfortable, then so be it, welcome to my world'.
Just don't let it bring you down too much.
 
There won't be any specific examples now as I can't socialize anymore. It was simple enough for anybody else to judge me in such matters frequently. The simple part is that it used to be agreed that I knew what way I did mean to say things. Now, that isn't agreed. Yet it's clear that anybody else does expect me to believe they know what way they mean to say stuff. Which I did & would think is the reasonable position but since nobody will now agree it, they can't have it for themselves. If we'd have to go through every specific example, that'd be pointless as the specific conversation wouldn't happen exactly the same again. Also, I couldn't tell you 'the way' anybody else said stuff, so if that's as important as people claim, nobody'd be able to advise without that info. You'd probably have to give more examples of your 'platitudes', with when & how to say them. I probably do that, sometimes but I'm really talking about making a FEW friends & so on. It's really a problem that any people think that they CAN advise about such things without access to most of the needed information!
 
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I have read it, thanks. It gives no idea at all which bits of my body language (also covering facial expressions) or tones of voice, etc, might be the problems or what to do about that. For "finding the right friends" (http://www-users.cs.york.ac.uk/~alistair/survival/finding.html), it gets into far more difficulties, too. No way to do most of what he says 'true friends do' (as it'd have to be according to their judgements) & I can't then apply those to anybody else. Hopefully, there's some changes happening with services for Autistics around here, so maybe there'll be a person to socialize with me. That's about the only way I'm likely to make any progress with finding out just what goes wrong & thus even begin to do anything about that! If anybody thinks they can explain how to do any of the stuff in the survival guide, though, they're welcome to try.
 
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