Things NT's Do That Don't Make Sense.

[Ste11aeres]

For me at least, I want human contact, but it is the way in which socializing is done, that I find poin

Personally, I dont consider socializing pointless, but my own experience of it is painful and uncomfortable.So it seems pointless for me to engage in it.

Actually, I donàt consider close relationships, or socializing with such persons to be pointless, but I do find it pointless to socialize with countless random persons.
Although I recognize that such socializing often is what leads to close relationships.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I was agreeing with gouldgrl who said "That is, they (aspies) enjoy engaging in purposeful activities with others (in a more controlled environment), but the social aspect of it is secondary to the activity."

It is the socializing for its own sake that we find burdensome but activities with others where socializing is secondary provides the lower level of human contact we need.

Ohhhhh. I get it now. Something like "multi-tasking". That book I read on Aspies did say its a good idea to have a talk while doing something like taking a walk or playing a video game.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Actually, I donàt consider close relationships, or socializing with such persons to be pointless, but I do find it pointless to socialize with countless random persons.
Although I recognize that such socializing often is what leads to close relationships.

I don't like talking to a bunch of people either. I think finding new friends is hard for NT's too (I know it is for me) cause you have to find someone that interests you and that you have something in common with then you don't know if you can trust them or not. I have to admit even for me that trying to make new friends is pretty exhausting.

 

[Lillian]

Are there things NT's do that, as an Aspie, make absolutely no sense to you? List those things here and maybe a friendly NT on the site can shed some light about why NT's act like they do.

Ah yes, one thing I am troubled with over and over is when NT's don't "say what they mean and mean what they say"

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Ah yes, one thing I am troubled with over and over is when NT's don't "say what they mean and mean what they say"

Can you give an example? Maybe I can try to explain.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

SOMETHING THAT ASPIES DO THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE (to me).

I have a question regarding Aspies. How can there be what is called as an "Extroverted Aspie"? Wouldn't the Aspie be going against their norm? (especially with the eye contact and the tone of voice).

 

[rollerskate]

SOMETHING THAT ASPIES DO THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE (to me).

I have a question regarding Aspies. How can there be what is called as an "Extroverted Aspie"? Wouldn't the Aspie be going against their norm? (especially with the eye contact and the tone of voice).

Aspies aren't anti social (not all of them anyway) but have trouble understanding social norms. Some are oblivious to them and keep trying to socialize. My oldest son is an extroverted (suspected) Aspie, and he will talk to anyone and everyone and even hug them. The problem is he's inappropriate and no one can seem to get that through his head. He talks and laughs too loudly, doesn't give people their personal space, is rude without even realizing he's being rude (like making demands instead of saying please), etc. He will make eye contact but can't maintain it, and honestly just making eye contact is an issue for him. With the right people he's a god send that brightens up their day, but the older he gets the less that happens because he's just not seen as cute and innocent any more.

About socializing... It's tiresome for me even in text sometimes. And I am so painfully aware of how awkward I am in person and how little I know that I often don't even try any more. People wonder why I always want to communicate in text instead of phone or in person... It's because it's tiresome, awkward, and for some odd reason I can't pin point, I get bored and lose interest a lot more quickly. I WANT to do it but I don't know how and I'm worried about the inevitable sudden drop in interest and feeling of being trapped as I struggle to find a way out and leave them wondering why I am suddenly so eager to get away.

 

[paloftoon]

Aspies aren't anti social (not all of them anyway) but have trouble understanding social norms. Some are oblivious to them and keep trying to socialize. My oldest son is an extroverted (suspected) Aspie, and he will talk to anyone and everyone and even hug them. The problem is he's inappropriate and no one can seem to get that through his head. He talks and laughs too loudly, doesn't give people their personal space, is rude without even realizing he's being rude (like making demands instead of saying please), etc. He will make eye contact but can't maintain it, and honestly just making eye contact is an issue for him. With the right people he's a god send that brightens up their day, but the older he gets the less that happens because he's just not seen as cute and innocent any more.

About socializing... It's tiresome for me even in text sometimes. And I am so painfully aware of how awkward I am in person and how little I know that I often don't even try any more. People wonder why I always want to communicate in text instead of phone or in person... It's because it's tiresome, awkward, and for some odd reason I can't pin point, I get bored and lose interest a lot more quickly. I WANT to do it but I don't know how and I'm worried about the inevitable sudden drop in interest and feeling of being trapped as I struggle to find a way out and leave them wondering why I am suddenly so eager to get away.

I think part of it is that we or some of us see certain things easily and usually unimportant (and sometimes inappropriate possibly) to society, and NTs see stuff that the mainstream goes with. This is part of why we feel trapped and struggle (in addition to the typical social awkwardness.)

 

[Rudy Schmidt]

Here's one that always drives me kaka. When an NT gets upset at you for a perceived insult is totally understandable. What I DON'T understand is how, when you explain why no offense was intended, they remain angry and insistent on having a blazing row over it. When I feel someone has insulted me, I get upset too, but if they tell me why no offense was really intended, my anger instantly evaporates.

 

[zurb]

I have a question regarding Aspies. How can there be what is called as an "Extroverted Aspie"? Wouldn't the Aspie be going against their norm? (especially with the eye contact and the tone of voice).

Absolutely there can be. As someone else said elsewhere, aspergers is not a personality type. My two sons are the classic example. The older one is extrovert, but has absolutely no social graces. The younger one has better social skills but is much more introvert.

I often wonder what it is about being aspie that keeps people away from us. Is it what we do or what we do not do or both?

I find it really hard for some reason to be a 'good host'. If I go to other people's houses, they seem to know how to offer seats, drinks, transition 'events', serve a meal. For me it just feels awkward. I always feel I've done it wrong. I can try and copy how others do it, but I suspect it comes across as somehow fake or awkward and makes them uncomfortable. Or maybe they just sense that I feel totally uncomfortable.

I'm much more comfortable with a smaller group or individual (though a larger group sometimes can entertain themselves without my input). We get some visitors who I think just like us because we actually listen to them.

I've been writing a blog that critiques current myths and misinformation about Asperger's...

I'm starting a new blog titled Asperger: The Hypo Social Human...

Sounds interesting. Can you post URL(s) please.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

We get some visitors who I think just like us because we actually listen to them.

That is a very good asset you have. It would be nice just to find a really good listener. It seems they are few and far between.

 

[King_Oni]

SOMETHING THAT ASPIES DO THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE (to me).

I have a question regarding Aspies. How can there be what is called as an "Extroverted Aspie"? Wouldn't the Aspie be going against their norm? (especially with the eye contact and the tone of voice).

I tend to fluctuate between extro- and introvert... mostly depending on my mood.

I'm not sure if being extrovert has to do with eye contact and tone of voice as much, as it is about being less "holed up" in your own house as some kind of recluse. Well, that's a hyperbole, but I guess the general idea is there. Extroversion, at least to me, does not equal good social skills.

Though, perhaps the thing that would make me presumably extrovert to the outside is that I sometimes do go out and end up the center of attention. However, I guess by defintion it wouldn't make me extrovert in that I would "feed" on the energy other people give me, but rather still living in my own world... I just changed the playing field to a social setting rather than sitting home along staring at a wall (or a screen or whatever you will).

I guess one way of putting it is that I don't hold back as much in terms of shame when I'm out. I'm still zoning out and to some this might reflect on a lack of social skills or manners. And judging on what some people refer to as "extrovert people" I might fit that mold to some degree. If anything, I don't have an introvert or an extrovert suit... I have 1 suit for both situations, it just depends on whether I'm willing to wear it in- or outdoors.

At some point in my life I was involved with the local music scene as a vocalist. We did gigs and I surely wasn't much of an introvert there. I tried to be as active and present as I could. Whether this translates well compared to say... an NT extrovert and whether my way of acting and performing on stage was appropriate (or not flat out weird) might be a totally different matter.

Also looking around on the forum here, a lot of people have some kind of (social) anxiety going on. That might decrease the possibility to be extroverted in general. Thus far I don't suffer from any anxiety that would prevent me from interacting... I might lack sense and interest to act appropriate, but I don't lack the proverbial backbone to meet people and such.

But that's just my take on me being somewhat less introverted and a bit more extroverted personally.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Here's one that always drives me kaka. When an NT gets upset at you for a perceived insult is totally understandable. What I DON'T understand is how, when you explain why no offense was intended, they remain angry and insistent on having a blazing row over it. When I feel someone has insulted me, I get upset too, but if they tell me why no offense was really intended, my anger instantly evaporates.

To me as an NT, "no offense intended" can sometimes be used sarcastically and the person using it knows (if they're an NT) that its offending to the other party. I would say that most NT's use it that way which is why the NT's you said it to automatically jumped to the conclusion that you too were using it that way. If an Aspie is saying those words, they would be saying it with its correct meaning (since Aspies don't do sarcasm, right?)

 

[Judge]

If an Aspie is saying those words, they would be saying it with its correct meaning (since Aspies don't do sarcasm, right?)

Sarcasm, like many other traits is something which some Aspies can fully process and others cannot- whether in whole or in part.

In my case I can "throw it out there" in some circumstances, but in most cases regardless of circumstances, I cannot process it in terms of receiving it. Especially if it's aimed in my direction. When it happens it locks up my brain for a number of seconds and two things happen in this order.

1. I give up trying to process whatever was said.
2. I simply assume I was just insulted (whether that was the other person's intention or not).

 

[Rudy Schmidt]

To me as an NT, "no offense intended" can sometimes be used sarcastically and the person using it knows (if they're an NT) that its offending to the other party. I would say that most NT's use it that way which is why the NT's you said it to automatically jumped to the conclusion that you too were using it that way. If an Aspie is saying those words, they would be saying it with its correct meaning (since Aspies don't do sarcasm, right?)

I can do sarcasm, but I generally don't. I always found it a bit rude. :/ I very frequently also miss sarcasm that's directed at me (and then people get angry at me for taking them literal because they think that THAT'S sarcastic).

Case in point, I reread that last line of your reply umpteen times and still can't quite tell if its sarcasm. xD My gut is telling me it is - (which is fine, I don't take any offense to that - I actually appreciate the opportunity to have this conversation with someone who won't blow up at me) - but I still thought it was worth pointing out, as its a good example.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I can do sarcasm, but I generally don't. I always found it a bit rude. :/ I very frequently also miss sarcasm that's directed at me (and then people get angry at me for taking them literal because they think that THAT'S sarcastic).

Case in point, I reread that last line of your reply umpteen times and still can't quite tell if its sarcasm. xD My gut is telling me it is - (which is fine, I don't take any offense to that - I actually appreciate the opportunity to have this conversation with someone who won't blow up at me) - but I still thought it was worth pointing out, as its a good example.

I'm sorry if you took it that way. I normally do use sarcasm in my real life, but not here after hearing that some Aspies aren't used to it. With that last question I was just trying to reconfirm what I thought I already knew, but wasn't sure.

 

[zurb]

Funny. My last three posts were combined somehow - at least, they appear so on the iPhone.

My wife has just corrected me. My elder son is louder and more vocal, but by definition he isn't extrovert. He definitely needs quiet recharge time after social events. He's an introvert who's 'love language' is being listened to.

 

[Rudy Schmidt]

I'm sorry if you took it that way. I normally do use sarcasm in my real life, but not here after hearing that some Aspies aren't used to it. With that last question I was just trying to reconfirm what I thought I already knew, but wasn't sure.

Oh it didn't offend me even then. I like your posts - it's important to get multiple perspectives! But it highlights one of my biggest social problems (of which there are few - I'm actually pretty socially skilled), which is thinking people are beig sarcastic etc when they're really not.

 

[KassieMac]

KassieMac, I never get to the point of talking to anyone in the way that I have in this thread unless something they said really bothered me. And you can see from the other responses that I am not alone in thinking this way. As I see it, you and I will never be in agreement on anything and I refuse to get into anymore disagreements with you trying to explain myself. Please don't ask me anymore questions in any thread and if you do, don't expect a response.

This ^

This is what NTs do that make absolutely no sense.
- To lash out at someone unprovoked for asking a simple, straightforward question, and then feign offense when they get upset,
- To offer to explain their differences, but openly refuse to answer questions,
- To spend obsessive amounts of time seeking out people that are different, then telling us to be more like them,
- To demand that we confront those who've wronged us, but get upset when we do,
- Tell us to demand apologies from those who've wronged us, but refuse to apologize (or even admit wrongdoing),
- Start a thread offering to answer questions, but instead misinterpret us and tell us what to do,
- Not understanding "Say what you mean and mean what you say" ... how much more clear can it be?

 

[Judge]

I'd still rather have NTs at least who are interested and trying to work with us- even when at times they do fail miserably at it. Otherwise we're left only with those will never understand, and those who choose to remain indifferent about autism altogether largely because they perceive that it does not impact them in their neurological majority.

IMO much like any social struggle of a minority within a majority, all that's really left to rely on is tolerance first, and understanding a distant second.