Things that sabotaged me in terms of romance and more

[Markness]

1. My older brother constantly had the social spotlight and I was often in his shadow. We were regularly compared but he was generally favored because he fit the expectations of what young males in Texas often got. Myself? Being shy, introverted, and having my own interests did not go well for me.

2. The few male friends I had either didn’t have sisters or female cousins, their sisters/female cousins were much older than I was, or I never really got to interact with them on my own. Most of the people my parents associated with also usually only had sons and no nieces. Even my therapist has told me she was disappointed she didn’t have a niece to introduce me to.

3. My parents were, and still are, control freaks. They both regretted having children and actually discouraged both my siblings and I from ever having families of our own. But they especially stressed this outlook onto me.

4. I struggled socially in the schools I was made to go to and both schools were limited in terms of demographics. I am also an outsider in the culture I live in.

5. I’ve actually lost female friends when they got boyfriends. Their boyfriends would disallow them to have male friends and they would for some reason go along with that demand.

 

[Rodafina]

@Markness

Now, how about a list of 5 strengths or instances of resilience? Only seeing the negatives does not paint the whole picture. It may be helpful for you to practice noticing strengths and positives.

 

[AspieChris]

Whatever winning the lottery means…. You got the opposite.

Aspies have trouble meeting new people. We tend to find love with a person connected to a daily task or routine. You’re screwed.

My advice? Pick something new and stick with it for 6 months. Start jogging. Play chess at the local senior center. Become a volunteer lifeguard at the local public pool. Etc.

When we go looking for relationships, we fail. When we get interested in something we can excel at, we find people who lead us to relationships

 

[Cryptid]

1. My older brother constantly had the social spotlight and I was often in his shadow. We were regularly compared but he was generally favored because he fit the expectations of what young males in Texas often got. Myself? Being shy, introverted, and having my own interests did not go well for me.

2. The few male friends I had either didn’t have sisters or female cousins, their sisters/female cousins were much older than I was, or I never really got to interact with them on my own. Most of the people my parents associated with also usually only had sons and no nieces. Even my therapist has told me she was disappointed she didn’t have a niece to introduce me to.

3. My parents were, and still are, control freaks. They both regretted having children and actually discouraged both my siblings and I from ever having families of our own. But they especially stressed this outlook onto me.

4. I struggled socially in the schools I was made to go to and both schools were limited in terms of demographics. I am also an outsider in the culture I live in.

5. I’ve actually lost female friends when they got boyfriends. Their boyfriends would disallow them to have male friends and they would for some reason go along with that demand.

Most of this seems to be in the past. What are you doing about any of it in the present?

 

[FilterFreq]

I say this a lot, but blaming other people for things we don't like about our lives isn't really taking the reigns back.

Life is hard enough, and bad things definitely do happen, but if we don't at least accept some responsibility for some of our lives, how can we possibly assume any sense of control over them? Constantly blaming others isn't really speaking from a position of power, more like endless defeat. And for what, sympathy? People get tired of that really fast, if you've ever tried that approach for long enough. I think I see what the real problem could be

Reeling in romance with the sympathy vote has probably worked for nobody, really. Being a good listener, caring and generally doing stuff for others is what actually matters if you want it reciprocated. Being the person we'd like to attract is pretty freaking awesome when we put it into action. Trust me.

 

[Kayla55]

Seriously, when people find out about to die, they regret things, even decide to do things never done before.
Tequila, it makes me happy
Tequila, it makes me smile
Tequila sunrise in morning

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I understand @Markness I tried so hard too and failed. For me it seems I can only make friends with couples. Don't get me wrong some of them are great and one is helping me greatly and I have a great bond with her which is helping me now though tough times.

But it seems when I try to socialize in new places single women do not give me the time of day. They will purposely get up and leave when I sit next to them. The only couples or a married women will approach and talk then befriend me. It happens everywhere now.

 

[Kayla55]

I understand @Markness I tried so hard too and failed. For me it seems I can only make friends with couples. Don't get me wrong some of them are great and one is helping me greatly and I have a great bond with her which is helping me now though tough times.

But it seems when I try to socialize in new places single women do not give me the time of day. They will purposely get up and leave when I sit next to them. The only couples or a married women will approach and talk then befriend me. It happens everywhere now.

Ye, but Tony most girls nowadays are onto idea guys just want sex, so hence walk off meaning: abruptly, we not having sex.
For some guys by time get try chat to women, well women had bad experiences, listened to guys boasting in bar,
Before even considering.....

 

[tree]

1. My older brother constantly had the social spotlight and I was often in his shadow. We were regularly compared but he was generally favored because he fit the expectations of what young males in Texas often got. Myself? Being shy, introverted, and having my own interests did not go well for me.

2. The few male friends I had either didn’t have sisters or female cousins, their sisters/female cousins were much older than I was, or I never really got to interact with them on my own. Most of the people my parents associated with also usually only had sons and no nieces. Even my therapist has told me she was disappointed she didn’t have a niece to introduce me to.

3. My parents were, and still are, control freaks. They both regretted having children and actually discouraged both my siblings and I from ever having families of our own. But they especially stressed this outlook onto me.

4. I struggled socially in the schools I was made to go to and both schools were limited in terms of demographics. I am also an outsider in the culture I live in.

5. I’ve actually lost female friends when they got boyfriends. Their boyfriends would disallow them to have male friends and they would for some reason go along with that demand.

What benefit to you is this focus on the past?

Spoiler

Not a rhetorical question.

 

[Judge]

1. My older brother constantly had the social spotlight and I was often in his shadow. We were regularly compared but he was generally favored because he fit the expectations of what young males in Texas often got. Myself? Being shy, introverted, and having my own interests did not go well for me.

2. The few male friends I had either didn’t have sisters or female cousins, their sisters/female cousins were much older than I was, or I never really got to interact with them on my own. Most of the people my parents associated with also usually only had sons and no nieces. Even my therapist has told me she was disappointed she didn’t have a niece to introduce me to.

3. My parents were, and still are, control freaks. They both regretted having children and actually discouraged both my siblings and I from ever having families of our own. But they especially stressed this outlook onto me.

4. I struggled socially in the schools I was made to go to and both schools were limited in terms of demographics. I am also an outsider in the culture I live in.

5. I’ve actually lost female friends when they got boyfriends. Their boyfriends would disallow them to have male friends and they would for some reason go along with that demand.

Perhaps the most important thing you can surmise from items 1 through 5 is that they ultimately will not help you in attaining such relationships. As it has already been conveyed to you many times, ruminating about them is counterproductive.

My own experiences in attaining such relationships ultimately reflected mostly sets of random circumstances that can be weird, wondrous and often confusing. Where I don't believe it's helpful to dwell on what does or does not work. That you simply have to keep at it, to try always moving forward and not looking backward.

To be social, you have to consciously express optimism, whether it's what is inside you or not.
Otherwise people inevitably pick up on it and simply "pass" on you. It may not be "fair", but it does appear to be an aspect of human nature.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Ye, but Tony most girls nowadays are onto idea guys just want sex, so hence walk off meaning: abruptly, we not having

That's crap again this is social events like churches, park social, coffee shop socials and community events so I don't buy it. Again social events where you suppose to socialize and meet new people, again only couples and married women befriend me. This may not be @Markness journey sorry for derailing but this is mine with what i go through so he might eventually go through this similar in Texas but this is definitely a New York City thing.

 

[Judge]

That's crap again this is social events like churches, park social, coffee shop socials and community events so I don't buy it. Again social events where you suppose to socialize and meet new people, again only couples and married women befriend me.

You might have a point there. In that the most common or "traditional" venues for socialization may in fact yield the least positive results. But then I also can't help but wonder if one common denominator might explain it all. That groups of people under such circumstances *might* be familiar with each other, which may potentially put them at odds with those outside the group or dare I say it, a clique.

That your best chances may be under far more random circumstances where most people are likely to be a stranger to one another.

Probably why I liked the venue of adult education more than anything. One where for whatever reason that people did not show up in groups- or couples.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

That groups of people under such circumstances *might* be familiar with each other, which may potentially put them at odds with those outside the group or dare I say it, a clique.

Exactly NYC social events are nothing but cliques and its terrible even worse for an autistic introvert. I don't know if it's like that I'm Texas.

 

[Judge]

Exactly NYC social events are nothing but cliques and its terrible even worse for an autistic introvert. I don't know if it's like that I'm Texas.

I don't think location that dictates this sort of behavior. That wherever you go you can find it where events foster groups or couples. That wherever you are, it's best to consider a social event in terms of people more likely to show up by themselves.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I don't think location that dictates this sort of behavior. That wherever you go you can find it where events foster groups or couples. That wherever you are, it's best to consider a social event in terms of people more likely to show up by themselves.

Again I have not found any that don't have couples or married women that's the problem. I won't go to bars or clubs you know why.

 

[Judge]

Again I have not found any that don't have couples or married women that's the problem. I won't go to bars or clubs you know why.

You have to broaden your sense of venues to socialize in.

I never encountered either in pursuing adult education (photography classes). Always individuals, though knowing that personal enlightenment was likely their goal for being there, and not socialization. But then that's another thing to consider. To go where socialization isn't a primary intention.

Don't think about what is familiar or common over such a pursuit. Start to think of what is "clever".

Up to this point in time, your approach just doesn't seem to be working to your own satisfaction. That continuing to pursue what you think you know isn't getting you anywhere. It's time to "shift gears" and come up with alternative ideas you haven't explored. To be willing to get beyond your own "comfort zone". Something not easy for many of us.

 

[Markness]

What benefit to you is this focus on the past?

Spoiler

Not a rhetorical question.

Maybe I can figure out the root cause and bring more awareness to society about what people like me have to deal with?

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Maybe I can figure out the root cause and bring more awareness to society about what people like me have to deal with?

I hope so. Let me know too.

 

[tree]

Maybe I can figure out the root cause and bring more awareness to society about what people like me have to deal with?

A common thread among the various situations?

 

[Tony Ramirez]

To stop beating a dead horse and derailing this thread I tried so many events I lost count it's the same outcome so please stop putting me down and saying I did not do enough. 5 years 2 burnouts and multiple meltdowns losing friends and faith family enough.