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Thinking my life is worthless.

Tony Ramirez said:
I just prayed to God twice. I said if anything bad happens to me in the next few days I am done with him. I will no longer believe. I will then end up hearing praise reports from other friends.

I will no longer attend any virtual events on Wednesday or Sunday which I am sick of them giving praise reports.

I will only do virtual with my therapist but I won't attend fake Church either.

Now if I get any praises or nothing happens most likely outcome I will still remain devoted to him.
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Remember this when you pray.
Mark 11:24 - Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive [them], and ye shall have [them]

Matthew 6:6 - But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly

Matthew Chapter 6

9 After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name.

10 Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as [it is] in heaven.

11 Give us this day our daily bread.

12 And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.

13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.
 
Unfortunately, God doesn't bargain with humans. What does He need you for? God's gift is Himself. He has no obligation to make your life comfortable. He is not a magic genie. You desperately need to read the Bible.

And contrary to popular belief, God does not explain away suffering. I don't know why there's suffering anymore than when I was atheist.
 
Tony Ramirez said:
I just prayed to God twice. I said if anything bad happens to me in the next few days I am done with him. I will no longer believe. I will then end up hearing praise reports from other friends.

I will no longer attend any virtual events on Wednesday or Sunday which I am sick of them giving praise reports.

I will only do virtual with my therapist but I won't attend fake Church either.

Now if I get any praises or nothing happens most likely outcome I will still remain devoted to him.
Click to expand...
Can I share with you something I just intuitively know about God?
Maybe it's why I am still alive and not killed myself?

God only answers prayers that are phrased positively.
It's like the other's with words in like "bad" "don't" "can't" and other negative words, are simply not heard by God.

I'm not religious, yet God (or whatever you want to call Him/It/her) is there whether we believe or not.

God would not hear me saying "Why can't I get this right, God?"
God would hear me saying "Please help me find a way for me to get this right"
God won't hear "Don't let anything bad happen to me God!"
God will hear "Please give me the strength and courage, (or whatever it is I want of God) to handle whatever comes to me in the most productive of ways".

My own experience has taught me this.

if anything bad happens to me in the next few days I am done with him
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You are about to lose your valuable faith, God will not hear this.

God will hear "Let me deal with any forthcoming challenges in the best way possible"
You won't get instant results, but they'll come. God's answers can come in the most obscure of ways but, trust me, they come.

Your positive prayers may lead onto more realisations.
Take me, for instance, I need patience with myself right now.
"Please God help me find a way in myself to have the patience while I learn to focus on one thing at a time and be with myself in everything I do"
I know that God will hear that.

"Ask and it shall be given", says Matthew in his Gospel.
While I am not Christian, I know what Matthew was meaning, when he wrote that:-
"Know what you need, not what you want, ask in a positive way, and God will see that what we need will happen for us"

It is up to you what you do with your church, God will still be there whether you lose faith or not.

It would be a shame for you to lose faith.
If God can help some non religious person like me through depression, suicidal ideation, fears, and other deep pains, he can help anyone, but we need to ask in the right way.

A good staring point is to say "God, please can you show me what I need to be genuinely happy"

It will happen, it might not be what you think you need, right this moment, but you can sit back and let go, knowing that you asked him, and, in God's time, the right time, find that something good has happened, be that a realisation you needed to know, an event that you needed to learn from, or whatever God deems necessary. God wants you to thrive, God does not want a suicide.
God doesn't mind however you connect with him, so long as you God knows you want the positive opposite of the negative things you feel/are happening.
If you keep the faith and pray using positive words, while acknowledging your feelings, things will work out for you.

How to ask God using positive words when we feel we don't want to live, despairing, depressed, angry, sad, and a whole host of other words. Think of the opposites of those words, look up the opposite words if we have to. I've done this.

The above paragraph in a correct prayer would look something like this:-

"God, please help me feel as if I want to live, please help me find a way to hope, please help me resolve my challenges (IMPORTANT-don't use the word 'problems'), so I can feel happier, please give me insight into my emotional challenges so I can feel more peaceful....and so on"

Your faith sounds like it is keeping you going, you might find church is not the right place for you, you might find it is, only God knows the answer to that. Let go, pray, relax and help. yourself in any way you can and life will start to feel better for you.

Remember I was suicidal more than once, accidental drug overdose, massive dog phobia, loads of weird stuff shared with medical professionals, life is starting to show me it is good.
 
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Tony Ramirez said:
This is my typical day.
  • Get up at 9am to take my medication with an Slimfast.
  • Sleep until about 12:30 pm. Take an Slimfast for lunch. Go back to bed.
  • Wake up again about 3:30 pm.
  • Shower and dress.
  • Might go out for a walk to the park if I can handle my phobia. Outside listening to music.
  • If I don't go out then go on my laptop listening to music until about 6 pm.
  • Eat supper. Usually my mother will get me takeout.
  • Stream reruns of shows off Paramount+, Disney+ and HBO Max until after 11 pm.
  • If tired. Go to bed.
That is my day. The only exception if afternoon virtual therapy session and virtual life group at 7:30 pm where I have to hear how great everyone life is.
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I used to hide in bed, away from my so-called unbearable life, as it did feel unbearable and feelings are valid.
Staying in bed is still addictive for me, yet it can be harmful for me, it gives space for those negative thoughts to creep in.
I have to force myself up, some days I won't manage to and ask myself why when I know it is bad, but I have to let that day go and endeavour to get up the next day, and so on until I master it.

Diet is all important. I lost half my bodyweight through depression and anxiety, I nearly damaged myself, I got referred to a dietician, slowly made myself eat properly and still working on it, it DOES make a difference to how we feel.

Going out is good, nature helps us when we don't even know it is doing so.
I live in nature, I stayed in for years, missing it, it is now helping me again.
Even if you don't live in nature, walking past flowers in built up areas helps me.
Doing something creative, from a simple walk out to having a go at making something, reading a good novel, is better than watching most movies, although I agree, some are influential.

As for groups. I attend a zoom one every Thursday. There were about 18 of us in last weeks group. I could look at them all on zoom and think "Your life is better than mine" but how can I know for sure? I can't, I can assume their lives are better, they may be talking about good things they did, but I can NEVER EVER know for sure that they are having an easier time of it than me.
 
Tony Ramirez said:
This is my typical day.
  • Get up at 9am to take my medication with an Slimfast.
  • Sleep until about 12:30 pm. Take an Slimfast for lunch. Go back to bed.
  • Wake up again about 3:30 pm.
  • Shower and dress.
  • Might go out for a walk to the park if I can handle my phobia. Outside listening to music.
  • If I don't go out then go on my laptop listening to music until about 6 pm.
  • Eat supper. Usually my mother will get me takeout.
  • Stream reruns of shows off Paramount+, Disney+ and HBO Max until after 11 pm.
  • If tired. Go to bed.
That is my day. The only exception if afternoon virtual therapy session and virtual life group at 7:30 pm where I have to hear how great everyone life is.
Click to expand...

If you were hearing people say only negative things, I'm not sure how much that would help either.
When other people are doing well, I don't think all of these people are demeaning you. It feels like you're being jealous of their success. Everyone can be successful in some way. I mean, right now, you have a computer to use and you get fed and you're lucky to not be placed in a mental institution in your situation.
The last people you should ever be "worried" about being successful in life are your own family members and your therapist. These people are generally on your side to do their best to elevate you. They all seem like they care about you a lot. But who is the one who can ultimately help themselves be more successful? YOU!!

If you want to conquer this, you have the ability to do so.

Looks like you take at least two Slimfasts a day. Can you lower this to one a day in the morning with your meds only? Is it possible for you not to sleep from 9 AM - 3:30 PM in addition to night hours? This is a good time to look for or do volunteer work of some kind. Maybe there are some websites you can help maintain.


Maybe change your day to something like this, because maybe your lack of diversity in your habits is affecting you too. Since it's hard to change so many things at once, maybe just start with one thing. Such as, wake up at 2:30 PM instead of 3:30 PM. That extra hour, you do stretches at home with a body of water by you. Maybe help washing some dishes, mop the floor, or clean the toilet or tub to the best of your ability. The more you do these things, the better you get at them.

When you're on your laptop listening to music, you can play ambient music and then start watching and learning Python videos on CodeAcademy.

The shows that you watch, have you already seen them before? Look for something else to watch, or find an online activity like learn how to play chess or Scrabble online to do instead. Can you go from 7 days week of watching Stream reruns of shows off Paramount+, Disney+ and HBO Max to 6 days , then to 5 days, lower the number of days you watch each week or each month?

If your family wasn't trying, you wouldn't have a Slimfast to drink. You wouldn't have dinner for yourself You wouldn't be able to stream reruns of shows off Paramount+, Disney+ and HBO Max. You have a laptop to use. The reason people say you're not ready for a relationship is because your life habits don't even take care of yourself. If you can't try to care for yourself to a higher standard, you aren't ready to be with another person. 99% people will see this and will not want the burden to take care of you.

It's up to you and only you to change this, one small step at a time. Let us know your Progress with changing this regular schedule you posted to us.
 
I think a part time or volunteering job would be good for you Tony. Even if it's volunteering at the library once a week or more, or something like that. Or, maybe there is a gardening place or somewhere outdoors that you could volunteer at near you.
 
Hi, sorry your going through this, sounds like your faith may be wavering. Just want to interject something, I’m not going to mention church, but a relationship with Jesus Christ. It’s not the same as church, you can do it right where you are because He’s there anyway :-)

Jesus is an awesome friend, but, Tony He’s not a “sugar daddy” so to speak - bargains with Him just do not work.

I know your lonely, honestly your getting out more than I am lol, so that is great! Don’t be so hard on yourself, and maybe God is busy getting that new person ready for you - you don’t want them until it’s the right time. I wish you the best, chin up (((hug)))
 
I get you, really man, I felt like that for the most part of my 20's. Like I had nothing going on, pursuing a degree that should have been 5 years and ended up being 9, that hit me hard, I had very little joys in life and often felt that suicide was an option, to keep it short I had 2 attempts.

Then, I found a book. It was old and was written in English (Spanish is my first language) that a guy sold me for 5 bucks. It was very short, I started reading it like "What the hell, at least I can pretend to be productive or smart since I cannot socialize or achieve anything". The book changed me, I remember a phrase from it vividly: "There is no escape from the fact that men have to make choices, so long as men have to make choices, there is no escape from moral values, so long as moral values are at stake, no moral neutrality is possible. The moral principle to adopt in this issue is: Judge and prepare to be judged"

That and many other phrases filled me with both power and confidence, I felt that I was reading something related to my views, and that this person was telling me to go on, pursue my happiness, I owe nothing to no one else, I owe happiness to myself in any way I see fit or best.

The book is The Virtue of Selfishness by Ayn Rand, check it out maybe you like it.
 
Prayer is the most powerful tool we have, if you're a Christian. Prayer healed me of depression. In an instant. BAM. Life transformed. Dismissing prayer is an outsider looking in and getting a distorted view. The fool sees nothing but foolishness here. Truly a grand pity.
 
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