This is an honest question...why is it so important to us to be understood? Why do I care so much about someone else understanding me, what makes me tick?
If it helps, I personally only care to the extent it is necessary to accurately communicate and pursue my goals in life. Either there is a benefit, or what does it matter really? I want my wife to understand be because we have fewer arguments, for example. A total stranger could misunderstand me, even to the point of thinking me a lesbian who only likes men, which would be totally irrational on multiple levels, and I wouldn't really care for all intents and purposes. That misconception has no impact for me.
Another honest question...what does it mean to care? I've told myself in the past, "I know they care because they'd BE THERE for me if anything ever happened." But then...something happens, and they're not really there, not really. It's like...people tell themselves they "care" if they do something nice for someone...but fail to consider the outcome of their efforts. Did they actually make a difference? If not, do they care enough to try something else?
Well, some "care" more than others, and some who claim to care don't ... at all. Someone may care enough to help you move heavy furniture, others might only care to pick up your mail while you're out of town. Others claim to care but would rather defecate through their eye sockets than help you. It's a spectrum all its own, I suppose. Granted, there are levels of caring between the mail thing and the eye sockets thing, but you get the point.
Is it even anyone else's responsibility to see that the outcome is successful?
No - many people irrationally hurt someone by acting in a way that they THOUGHT would help.
Caring is sort of like a crime (bear with me).
To commit a crime you need mens rea ("criminal intent," for simplicity sake) + actus reus (an act in furtherance of the criminal intent). If either of these elements are missing, then there is no crime. Different crimes are defined as requiring different levels or degrees of criminal intent (i.e., recklessness vs. malice).
Conversely, to "care," I believe you need to have mental state that is invested in helping the other person and you have to act on that mental state.
Now, it is not necessary to intend the actual result (since we cannot predict the future) if someone means to kill a man, but only manages to wound him, then there is still an attempted murder, which is still a crime. In the same way, someone who out of a legitimate desire to cheer you up buys you flowers is still caring even if he finds out afterwards that you are deathly allergic to most flowering plants.
Does that help you evaluate it?
Maybe, really, I'm the only one responsible for my well-being, and if I'm not capable of healing myself, then I simply won't be healed. Because no one else could do it even if they really wanted to.
You are the only person
ultimately responsible for your well-being if you are a competent adult. Others, however, are under a duty to render aid whether they care or not.
Physicians and therapists have sworn oaths to help you and do no harm; moreover, they have entered into contracts to make every reasonable effort to the extent that you are paid up. Family and people who profess to "care" have lesser obligations commensurate with their level of care and moral/ethical convictions.
However, the buck stops with you. If you give up, then most others will too. Don't create a self-fulfilling prophesy where there is no hope. That only hurts you.
So then, caring isn't about helping to solve problems, it's simply about witnessing the struggle...cheering from the sidelines.
Depends on how much I care. Cheering you on is an act in furtherance of a legitimate caring state of mind. However, others may care enough to do more.
Most people who aren't blood relatives only care about you as much as you care about them, though. You want people to care about you, then you have to reciprocate. Some people are parasitic, so move on from them.
Because really, what else can you do for someone with a mental illness, or financial difficulties, or family dysfunctions, or marriage struggles? There's no one around me who's a magic genie, waiting to snap his fingers in response to my three wishes.
It depends on who you are, but a psychiatrist can often help with mental illness. A CPA or other advisor can help with financial difficulties. Family and marital counselors can help with these issues. Most are paid to care, but if you know some personally, then I hope you've invested some time caring about them and can expect some incoming reciprocation.
Others can care by giving you money to pay for the services of the above listed professionals. Magic genies are not necessary. If they were, then none of us would be okay.
I think my expectations in relationships are simply too high. To think that my efforts will ever be enough to truly please someone else...that's a codependent mentality, taking responsibility for someone else's happiness.
Wanting to please someone else is usually a good thing and is only co-dependent if you take it too far, such as by assuming responsibility for their happiness. The correct response is not to stop caring for a person - just to separate your sense of self worth from the results.
To think that I could ever really be the real me with someone...it's an entitlement mentality,
No it's not.
to expect the world to tolerate all of my selfishness and fears and eccentricities.
Would be an entitlement mentality. See - you had it 1/2 right. You can't set the same standards for all of humanity. Some people are closer to you, and you are entitled to expect more acceptance and understanding from them if they are to remain close to you. Total strangers are not obligated to do more than respect your basic legal rights.
Maybe I can stop wanting to be understood, to be known fully and accepted fully in truth.
Good luck with that - to some extent we all need to be understood, though perhaps not fully by everybody. You are mired down in absolutism with this post... S=If you can stop jumping to these extremes, then you will find it easier to be happy.
Those of you who think that being married will give you all of these things...that's a fallacy.
Have you ever been
happily married? If not, then you lack the experience needed to support this statement. Of course, "all these things" is a little vague given your above statements. You are right that marriage is not the end all be all to happiness in life, but my wife accepts me, and we are very happy and loving with each other beyond the meaning of caring. I do things for her, and she does things for me. It's not perfect, but it is worthwhile with the right person.
It doesn't really exist, even in long-lasting, solid, respectful marriages.
Again with the extremes. This comment is so incredibly erroneous. Have you been evaluated as histrionic? I don't mean this as an attack, but I almost feel as though this comment is attention-seeking. I am no psychologist, but I sense there is something at issue here we're overlooking with your mental state. I really am just trying to help you through all this, even if that seems like a harsh observation.
I suppose to some extent, I "care," as I have experienced some of what you describe and wouldn't wish it on anyone. Also, I enjoy your posts, and I tend to care about people I like. Also, I am fond of dogwood trees. I'm not going to take a bullet for you or anything, but I hope the above helps.
