Those unexpected moments...

[Chance]

Today I have been mulling over an unfortunate event, (that I was never expecting)...
I have been sitting around trying to get over this... and it seems I cant get it out of my head just yet. I'm trying, its not working... So I am asking for constructive criticism, different perspective, how to navigate the unknown in my ASD head.

Not in one day of my existence have I ever had the want, or the need, to hurt someone, mentally, physically, or otherwise... So the truth is I am lost right now, and I do not understand how this spun around on me, out of what seems to be nowhere...

I have been pretty sick... Today I had to go to the Dr. and 2 shots later, and my first regimen of horse pill antibiotics... I'm already feeling a little better. I can breathe much better, thats a plus. So I haven't been able to get out, and work through my frustrations, and clear my head... Plus we have had 50 mile an hour winds anyway... My respiratory system seems to sort of try and fail about this time every year, and so it goes... One more reason I am excited to transfer to San Diego (soon I hope???).

So I have been cooped up all day mulling over something that is eating at me...
I apparently deeply angered someone, never meaning too. I'm not remotely wanting to delve into the details of what took place. I'm not wanting to paint this wonderful person as wrong, or mean... But I'm also not interested in making this a situation of me being right, or wrong...
I refuse to be the villain (unless I truly am), and I also refuse to be the victim and there is a reason...

I want to LEARN FROM IT... When I say I love to learn I telling one of the deepest truths in me...

I didn't come here to brag. I know I have to watch out for that. I know we are are a very diverse people on this forum, some poor, some possibly not. In my job alone I am surrounded by huge money (not mine) and people with lots of it. A few of them are reasonably nice, some of them unthinkably, and outright mean... I have a family that can be some of the meanest people on the face of the planet. So I do know the definition of mean and I have never fit that definition.

I didn't come here to be some sort of fake. Me faking NOT being ASD is what got me into a world of trouble that found me out in the barn with a gun in mouth. My trying to be normal turned into Panic disorder and a state of depression that terrifies me to ever go back there. Trying to be "normal" actually got me a forced diagnosis and I have had to deal with that everyday. I didn't want to be ASD. I never remember asking for this...

It took me a very long time to get the guts to even decide to join this forum. I have been in a really silent world for most of my life. I wasn't raised around other ASD kids at all.

It was for that reason I decided to do this. I know I still at times think like a kid, but yet I have the mental capacity to run a multimillion dollar business, and I do that daily. Its not BS it real and its very hard for me to do... and I like the challenge (most the time).

So I came here to try and grow, or maybe try and grow up a little also.
Throw it out there and make this the learning experience of my lifetime.

I don't have any other active social media... I chose here to be with people who might possibly be able to grasp some of me, and teach me, or help me where I am lacking... and maybe, just maybe give back to others also...

Yes, I speak with a counselor every week. I like the guy, but he cant put himself in my shoes, some of you can in some measure... I also pass on anything he tells me that has actually helped...

So here's the scenario... I was basically called a total fake, told to quit pretending to be so happy, get over myself, for trying very hard to hopefully cheer a person up...

So to that person, (before everyone on this forum) I may mess up and do so often, but I never came here to hurt someone (especially you)... I am from a living hell, and hurting another person, (or the thought of hurting another person), crushes me... Thats where I'm stuck right now...

Example: I need, I am now expected to fire a guy at work. I am being told to fire a guy at work. He is causing me tons of problems and he enjoys it. He is manipulative and a game player. I am NOT... Nor even after all he has done, do I have no want to harm him, or cause him financial difficulty. He deserves to be treated ugly, and I can not do it yet.
So to be told I am a fake, hurts... in a place I just cant comfortable with.

Maybe I am childish, maybe I do still have hope in people, but is that so wrong?

I have now apologized for something I felt zero need to apologize for that I typed on here...
I don't understand. I was told on PM to get over myself etc.
It makes no difference... I came here to LEARN so thats what this is about...

HOW DO I RELIZE I AM MAYBE SAYING (typing) TOO MUCH?
Maybe I am too detail obsessed? I am asking myself 1000 questions, coming up with nothing yet.

And this thread... Its is not just for me...
This is my post, but I never worry about where the posts that I start go... I want them to go where it helps people say what they feel they need to say...

If you have something you need help with THROW IT OUT THERE, with my stuff...
Just please be honorable, and please do not imply, or openly accuse specific people...
That never fixes anything.

This is not about ranting... This is a learning experience and I ask for your suggestions, because this is where I lack... the mechanism to hitch up thoughts with feelings...

 

[Keigan]

Deep breath.

Breath, repeat.

Breath again.

 

[Squished Crab]

I have never interpreted your posts as fake. Quite the opposite, full of heart and compassion. I am upset that you received a PM with a message filled with hurtful words.

Some enjoy being miserable, and they may want to make others feel as bitter about themselves as they feel. While I support their right to defiantly wallow in misery, it is my right to block them from inflicting it upon me.

 

[OkRad]

Wow. I am sad that someone hurt you. Your posts mean a lot to me and so many others. I really don't know what else to say other than I hope you don't leave. You matter to us here!

 

[Chance]

Wow. I am sad that someone hurt you. Your posts mean a lot to me and so many others. I really don't know what else to say other than I hope you don't leave. You matter to us here!

Its not about leaving... or blocking... its about understanding...

I know I'm not special... I suck (or at minimum struggle) at most things people don't even have to give a second thought. I am smack in the middle of a couple of real world tough situations. A failing marriage and a very stressful thing a work (mentioned above). Now I have hurt someone (on here) and I swear on my life it wasn't intentional.

I have to notice this to be honest with who I am.

 

[Mia]

You strike me as pretty open and yourself Chance. Not someone who is fake. And I can usually tell from people's posts, I form a kind of profile of a person in my mind.

It's possible that the other person, has triggers. That you can't know about, that have nothing whatsoever to do with you. But are related to their own experiences and background and their interpretation of the world. Sometimes if you touch on those things, without knowing, things happens. Misunderstandings, are something that Aspies do.

I think maybe you tried to cheer someone up, who didn't want to be. And they took offense at your desire to help. People who have certain ideas about their own reality don't want to be 'cajoled' into another persons idea of how they should be. And will likely take offense at being told they should. Yet its something that happens often in the neurotypical world and that we hear often. So I suppose some, having heard it for a good part of their lives, don't agree with the implications.

There are misunderstandings here, that happen unknowingly, but are meant usually in good faith. You tried to help, and that's a good thing to do. You absolutely can't know ahead of time, what might happen, as well-intentioned as you are. Don't beat yourself up as a result of it. You couldn't have known.

 

[Chance]

You strike me as pretty open and yourself Chance. Not someone who is fake. And I can usually tell from people's posts, I form a kind of profile of a person in my mind.

It's possible that the other person, has triggers. That you can't know about, that have nothing whatsoever to do with you. But are related to their own experiences and background and their interpretation of the world. Sometimes if you touch on those things, without knowing, things happens. Misunderstandings, are something that Aspies do.

I think maybe you tried to cheer someone up, who didn't want to be. And they took offense at your desire to help. People who have certain ideas about their own reality don't want to be 'cajoled' into another persons idea of how they should be. And will likely take offense at being told they should. Yet its something that happens often in the neurotypical world and that we hear often. So I suppose some, having heard it for a good part of their lives, don't agree with the implications.

There are misunderstandings here, that happen unknowingly, and are usually in good faith. You tried to help, and that's a good thing to do. You absolutely can't know ahead of time, what might happen, as well-intentioned as you are. Don't beat yourself up as a result of it. You couldn't have known.

That makes a lot of sense... I just hope this person figures out I didn't ever mean to do what they felt I did...
I have to admit I am confused... If I wasn't I could just drop, roll, and move on... Its when this glob just doesn't make sense... but what you said helps a lot. Thank you.

 

[Sabrina]

Sometimes people are mean because it’s their (non asertive) way to deal with their own negative emotions (rage,sadness, fear, disgust... like in the movie Inside Out) and their actions or feelings don’t have anything to do with you. You just happened to be there.

 

[Fitzo]

In the short time I have 'known' you on this forum it has become very obvious that you are simply not capable of intentionally hurting anyone. In fact I don't think anyone goes to greater lengths to avoid hurting or offending people!

I am amazed by your optimistic view on just about every situation despite having been abused and injured throughout your life by the people you most hold dear. And probably many others.

I guess my message to you would be that you need to just keep in mind that some people do not have the capacity to understand your style of sunny optimism, and in fact it may be quite painful and confronting to them when they are themselves in a very dark place.

We are all different and are shaped by our experiences both past and present. Some people need to spend time wallowing before they can pull themselves back out of a deep, dark hole. Many of us have spent a considerable amount of time down the hole, but we all have our own way and our own time frame for getting ourselves out and can't or won't be hurried along. Sometimes when people are hurting they lash out at others and maybe you were unfortunate enough to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Know this though, that you are not in any way to blame. You need to let go of ANY thought that you did anything wrong and did not deserve to be attacked. As Aspies we have learned the painful lessons of being misunderstood many times over. It is our cross to bear in this life and we tend to always assume it's our fault because people tell us that. You know in your heart you were coming from the right place and that is all any of us can do in any situation. Please just let it go. x

 

[Chance]

Sometimes people are mean because it’s their (non asertive) way to deal with their own negative emotions (rage,sadness, fear, disgust... like in the movie Inside Out) and their actions or feelings don’t have anything to do with you. You just happened to be there.

Okay inside my head, Anger punched Fear in the face... Disgust slapped Sadness and then in some sick twist of fate.. Confusion was born.

Thank you that was funny and I like it a lot... What you said also seems to hold lots of truth.

 

[Sabrina]

Sometimes people are mean because it’s their (non asertive) way to deal with their own negative emotions (rage,sadness, fear, disgust... like in the movie Inside Out) and their actions or feelings don’t have anything to do with you. You just happened to be there.

By the way, that movie is a master class on emotions, I saw it twice, it’s really incredible.

 

[Sabrina]

Okay inside my head, Anger punched Fear in the face... Disgust slapped Sadness and then in some sick twist of fate.. Confusion was born.

Thank you that was funny and I like it a lot... What you said also seems to hold lots of truth.

To me it’s just you, joy, trying to cheer up sadness. But sadness got mad for not being left alone with their sadness.
In the movie, joy tries to cheer up sadness and she can’t, BTW.

 

[Chance]

In the short time I have 'known' you on this forum it has become very obvious that you are simply not capable of intentionally hurting anyone. In fact I don't think anyone goes to greater lengths to avoid hurting or offending people!

I am amazed by your optimistic view on just about every situation despite having been abused and injured throughout your life by the people you most hold dear. And probably many others.

I guess my message to you would be that you need to just keep in mind that some people do not have the capacity to understand your style of sunny optimism, and in fact it may be quite painful and confronting to them when they are themselves in a very dark place.

We are all different and are shaped by our experiences both past and present. Some people need to spend time wallowing before they can pull themselves back out of a deep, dark hole. Many of us have spent a considerable amount of time down the hole, but we all have our own way and our own time frame for getting ourselves out and can't or won't be hurried along. Sometimes when people are hurting they lash out at others and maybe you were unfortunate enough to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Know this though, that you are not in any way to blame. You need to let go of ANY thought that you did anything wrong and did not deserve to be attacked. As Aspies we have learned the painful lessons of being misunderstood many times over. It is our cross to bear in this life and we tend to always assume it's our fault because people tell us that. You know in your heart you were coming from the right place and that is all any if us can do in any situation. Please just let it go. x

I have been in places where some tiny spark of that optimism had to be there, or I wouldn't be here at all.
I had noting else left but to decide, but to no longer be here... So when I see people hurting I just instantly go back there and grab that (which isn't even mine) to try and give to others... I think its called grace, mixed with a little messed up concept of love to give a little hope to push forward.

I would rather be dead and in hell, than ever treat anyone like I have been treated when I was little, so maybe thats why I'm stupid and don't realize where other people are in life... I get stuck in that narrative and maybe not notice other people have very different ones also...

Thank you so much for kindness and wisdom.

 

[Chance]

By the way, that movie is a master class on emotions, I saw it twice, it’s really incredible.

Maybe I need to watch this then... its obvious I am messed up... but wanting not to be, I hope.

 

[Sabrina]

Maybe I need to watch this then... its obvious I am messed up... but wanting not to be, I hope.

 

[Chance]

Yep I'm watching this... Kids style movie or not. Thank you... and GOD knows this isn't suppose to come out as some insult at any level... But the mom looks a lot like you (a nice looking lady)... I think your a Pixar character in real life and hiding it from us... : )

I have been know to even screw up a compliment so that was taking a risk...

 

[Sabrina]

Yep I'm watching this... Kids style movie or not. Thank you... and GOD knows this isn't suppose to come out as some insult at any level... But the mom looks a lot like you (a nice looking lady)... I think your a Pixar character in real life and hiding it from us... : )

I have been know to even screw up a compliment so that was taking a risk...

My avatar is Cosima, the geek clone in Orphan Black, BTW...

The mom in the movie is me and Riley is my daughter. The film is about the experience of moving and adapting to a new place. We both cried in the movie theater because we’ve moved a lot, and we saw ourselves there, (but mostly my daughter, since moving it’s tougher on kids).

 

[Rasendra]

I haven't been on this forum that long but what I have been your comments always come across as genuine, offering friendly and helpfulness.
Also it can be noted that those who have been through so much pain can either choose to repeat the cycle and turn it on others or do everything in their power to ensure such pain is avoided to others. Clearly you and many of us here understand pain from various sources and as such wouldn't ever want to turn it on others. That is an awesome 'power' of sorts, a power born from pain that is often unappreciated or acknowledged.

Also sometimes people are not in the right frame of mind or state to be comforted. Wallowing in sadness or depression doesn't help anything but grieving and such is part of the process of working through difficult times, which is part of the point from Inside Out, so sometimes it just needs to run it's course. Without knowing all the details it is hard to comment but just because someone lashes out at you doesn't mean you did anything wrong. Try not to take it negatively as it seems you are doing a lot yourself to grow and improve your own happiness.

Also as a side note, absolutely loved Inside Out. Everyone should see it and make everyone you know watch it lol...

 

[Chance]

I haven't been on this forum that long but what I have been your comments always come across as genuine, offering friendly and helpfulness.
Also it can be noted that those who have been through so much pain can either choose to repeat the cycle and turn it on others or do everything in their power to ensure such pain is avoided to others. Clearly you and many of us here understand pain from various sources and as such wouldn't ever want to turn it on others. That is an awesome 'power' of sorts, a power born from pain that is often unappreciated or acknowledged.

Also sometimes people are not in the right frame of mind or state to be comforted. Wallowing in sadness or depression doesn't help anything but grieving and such is part of the process of working through difficult times, which is part of the point from Inside Out, so sometimes it just needs to run it's course. Without knowing all the details it is hard to comment but just because someone lashes out at you doesn't mean you did anything wrong. Try not to take it negatively as it seems you are doing a lot yourself to grow and improve your own happiness.

Also as a side note, absolutely loved Inside Out. Everyone should see it and make everyone you know watch it lol...

Thank you... And that's why I don't want to list any person or even the situation... because all of you are seeing stuff I cant see until you show it to me non-bias...

If I had gone on some rant... It would never teach me, and would possibly harm a person who in no way needs to be harmed, or blocked, or reprimanded... Now because I am seeing their side through your non-bias... I can grasp that and I thank you very much... : )

 

[pax]

What Fitzo said.

Edited to add:

OK that sounds really lazy, but I was thinking what to type, and Fitzo said it better than I ever could. You haven't struck me as a cruel or vindictive person - quite the opposite. Sometimes other people's behaviour and reactions just don't have anything to do with you, it's just the baggage they carry.

An apochryphal tale:

One day, I hopped into a taxi and took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly, a black car, jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed the brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. I mean, he was really friendly. So I asked, "Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!" This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, 'The Law of the Garbage Truck'

He explained, "Many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. NEVER take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on with the routine life." Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home or on the streets.

Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so...... 'Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don't.'