Those unexpected moments...

[OlLiE]

you need to be aware that you are responsible for how you communicate a message and the listener is responsible for how he/she interprets the message she/he hears

if you are honest and neutral, factual, with no intent to do harm, then maybe the offence has
more to do with the listener's make-up rather than what you said
and that you don't necessarily need to care how one individual responds,
if 50% are neutral to what i say, 25% can to some degree identify with what i say, 20% disagree with what i say and 5% disagree sufficiently to make it personal

well, i can live with that
you have to learn not to care, but to only focus on the opinion's of those whose opinion matters to you

sorry that i don't sound very empathetic, that's just how my brain works

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Did you ever lick a 9v battery when you grew up?
Clears the mind

There's a balloon inside my head containing all my struggles.
Sometimes when a new struggle enters my life it finds the balloon and bursts it.
So all of the struggles are released again.
The challenge is to find your calm.
When you're below par you can end up trying to deal with all your struggles at once.

Struggles are like putting your pants on. You're allowed to do it one leg at a time.

Next. Boundaries. What's yours and what isn't.

People say things about you,you take it to heart.
One I like : what people say about you is none of your business

Sometimes when I've been called something and feel it strongly, I ask a question :
Am I being manipulated?

Likely yes. A weaker person is using insult to transfer negative feelings to you.
Boundaries. They don't belong to you.

Challenge: fire the guy.
How he chooses to live and behave is not your business. He is responsible. Any feelings that arise from his words do not belong to you.
Your challenge is to create a more productive workplace for everyone else. For the guy you fire - his challenge may be to learn a lesson.

So one leg and one struggle at a time, put your pants on.

 

[Fitzo]

I have been in places where some tiny spark of that optimism had to be there, or I wouldn't be here at all.
I had noting else left but to decide, but to no longer be here... So when I see people hurting I just instantly go back there and grab that (which isn't even mine) to try and give to others... I think its called grace, mixed with a little messed up concept of love to give a little hope to push forward.

I would rather be dead and in hell, than ever treat anyone like I have been treated when I was little, so maybe thats why I'm stupid and don't realize where other people are in life... I get stuck in that narrative and maybe not notice other people have very different ones also...

Thank you so much for kindness and wisdom.

What you said reminded me of another lesson in life I have only just learned since I realized my brain is wired differently to others.

I used to always be confounded and often deeply hurt by the way people reacted to things I may have said or done, when I only had good intentions. I would agonise over it, going over and over how I would have reacted in their shoes and completely failing to understand. That was when I thought my brain worked the same as other people's.

Now I see the flawed logic I was using. Other people just don't see things the same way I do so why would they react the same. It has certainly taken some of the pressure off.

Learning to be kinder to ourselves can be one of the hardest lessons to learn. And sometimes it can take a very long time. I'm glad I'm learning it now though cos I've probably got quite a few more years left to benefit from it. And you've probably got a lot more than me .

 

[SusanLR]

Sometimes when I've been called something and feel it strongly, I ask a question :
Am I being manipulated?

Likely yes. A weaker person is using insult to transfer negative feelings to you.

I think that is a good way to look at this type of situation.
That is what I often think too.
The person doing the name calling or whatever can be manipulating you to make themselves feel they are strong by thinking they have made you feel weak from what they say.

I like to understand the meaning behind the offensive words if I can. But, sometimes they refuse to explain and just get more angry when you ask.
Also the garbage truck idea...I like that.
That's exactly what some people are like.
They are full of negativity and anger and probably hurting.
They are miserable and suddenly they dump it.

I always enjoy your posts and in my heart I know you are trying to learn. You want to help others as well as yourself. You show care and it's sad that someone misunderstood or just dumped.
Even when I get dumped on badly, I may feel hurt, but at the same time I feel sorry for the one that did the offending. I know they have something miserable inside and I can't find the way to help.
Really, hoping for a blessing for them is all we can do.

I'm glad you are on this forum.
Like everything, I believe it is for a reason.

 

[dragoncat16]

If someone has taken offense to something you have posted when you meant no offense, it should be good enough for you to apologize in a PM and say you meant no offense. If that person continues to harass you, then one perfectly justified course of action would be to block that person. You say that that person doesn't deserve to be blocked, but sometimes it not about what someone else deserves, but rather you would block that person to protect yourself. Clearly that person's message has distressed you, and you don't deserve that, given that you had no malicious intent in the first place. Keep in mind, though, that this is an online forum, and, as such, should not be taken too personally by anyone.

 

[Ragnahawk]

I have an idea. Give this person the book mindset by carol S. Dweck. Tell them its their last chance. If they do not start applying what's in that book that you have done your best. Tell them if you didn't care you wouldn't even bother to talk to them.

What your feeling is compassion. You will not feel happy until you do your part.

 

[ksheehan88]

Today I have been mulling over an unfortunate event, (that I was never expecting)...
I have been sitting around trying to get over this... and it seems I cant get it out of my head just yet. I'm trying, its not working... So I am asking for constructive criticism, different perspective, how to navigate the unknown in my ASD head.

Not in one day of my existence have I ever had the want, or the need, to hurt someone, mentally, physically, or otherwise... So the truth is I am lost right now, and I do not understand how this spun around on me, out of what seems to be nowhere...

I have been pretty sick... Today I had to go to the Dr. and 2 shots later, and my first regimen of horse pill antibiotics... I'm already feeling a little better. I can breathe much better, thats a plus. So I haven't been able to get out, and work through my frustrations, and clear my head... Plus we have had 50 mile an hour winds anyway... My respiratory system seems to sort of try and fail about this time every year, and so it goes... One more reason I am excited to transfer to San Diego (soon I hope???).

So I have been cooped up all day mulling over something that is eating at me...
I apparently deeply angered someone, never meaning too. I'm not remotely wanting to delve into the details of what took place. I'm not wanting to paint this wonderful person as wrong, or mean... But I'm also not interested in making this a situation of me being right, or wrong...
I refuse to be the villain (unless I truly am), and I also refuse to be the victim and there is a reason...

I want to LEARN FROM IT... When I say I love to learn I telling one of the deepest truths in me...

I didn't come here to brag. I know I have to watch out for that. I know we are are a very diverse people on this forum, some poor, some possibly not. In my job alone I am surrounded by huge money (not mine) and people with lots of it. A few of them are reasonably nice, some of them unthinkably, and outright mean... I have a family that can be some of the meanest people on the face of the planet. So I do know the definition of mean and I have never fit that definition.

I didn't come here to be some sort of fake. Me faking NOT being ASD is what got me into a world of trouble that found me out in the barn with a gun in mouth. My trying to be normal turned into Panic disorder and a state of depression that terrifies me to ever go back there. Trying to be "normal" actually got me a forced diagnosis and I have had to deal with that everyday. I didn't want to be ASD. I never remember asking for this...

It took me a very long time to get the guts to even decide to join this forum. I have been in a really silent world for most of my life. I wasn't raised around other ASD kids at all.

It was for that reason I decided to do this. I know I still at times think like a kid, but yet I have the mental capacity to run a multimillion dollar business, and I do that daily. Its not BS it real and its very hard for me to do... and I like the challenge (most the time).

So I came here to try and grow, or maybe try and grow up a little also.
Throw it out there and make this the learning experience of my lifetime.

I don't have any other active social media... I chose here to be with people who might possibly be able to grasp some of me, and teach me, or help me where I am lacking... and maybe, just maybe give back to others also...

Yes, I speak with a counselor every week. I like the guy, but he cant put himself in my shoes, some of you can in some measure... I also pass on anything he tells me that has actually helped...

So here's the scenario... I was basically called a total fake, told to quit pretending to be so happy, get over myself, for trying very hard to hopefully cheer a person up...

So to that person, (before everyone on this forum) I may mess up and do so often, but I never came here to hurt someone (especially you)... I am from a living hell, and hurting another person, (or the thought of hurting another person), crushes me... Thats where I'm stuck right now...

Example: I need, I am now expected to fire a guy at work. I am being told to fire a guy at work. He is causing me tons of problems and he enjoys it. He is manipulative and a game player. I am NOT... Nor even after all he has done, do I have no want to harm him, or cause him financial difficulty. He deserves to be treated ugly, and I can not do it yet.
So to be told I am a fake, hurts... in a place I just cant comfortable with.

Maybe I am childish, maybe I do still have hope in people, but is that so wrong?

I have now apologized for something I felt zero need to apologize for that I typed on here...
I don't understand. I was told on PM to get over myself etc.
It makes no difference... I came here to LEARN so thats what this is about...

HOW DO I RELIZE I AM MAYBE SAYING (typing) TOO MUCH?
Maybe I am too detail obsessed? I am asking myself 1000 questions, coming up with nothing yet.

And this thread... Its is not just for me...
This is my post, but I never worry about where the posts that I start go... I want them to go where it helps people say what they feel they need to say...

If you have something you need help with THROW IT OUT THERE, with my stuff...
Just please be honorable, and please do not imply, or openly accuse specific people...
That never fixes anything.

This is not about ranting... This is a learning experience and I ask for your suggestions, because this is where I lack... the mechanism to hitch up thoughts with feelings...

Chance, I always find you incredibly helpful. There will always be one or two people that can't or don't want to be friendly and strive to make others feel crap. But I feel the majority of people here are super friendly and helpful

 

[Squished Crab]

We are all different and are shaped by our experiences both past and present. Some people need to spend time wallowing before they can pull themselves back out of a deep, dark hole. Many of us have spent a considerable amount of time down the hole, but we all have our own way and our own time frame for getting ourselves out and can't or won't be hurried along. Sometimes when people are hurting they lash out at others and maybe you were unfortunate enough to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Well said, and couldn't agree more! This happens in daily life so often, and it is a choice everyday to keep out of the abyss. It is heartbreaking when others choose to live in that black hole, or have no idea how to get out of it.

This is such an insightful group, and I am grateful for everyone who openly shares these experiences, you help me grow.

 

[Ragnahawk]

I have an idea. Give this person the book mindset by carol S. Dweck. Tell them its their last chance. If they do not start applying what's in that book that you have done your best. Tell them if you didn't care you wouldn't even bother to talk to them.

What your feeling is compassion. You will not feel happy until you do your part.

@Chance

 

[Chance]

Chance, I always find you incredibly helpful. There will always be one or two people that can't or don't want to be friendly and strive to make others feel crap. But I feel the majority of people here are super friendly and helpful

I know and your so right... I just cant understand that when we are in a world that is hurting in any direction I look, to reach out to someone and then find it basically seems they might hate me for doing so...
it just confuses me... I get it and I just have to move on... I just don't like leaving people in that place, but not my choice. Thank you... : )

Oh and I was harshly criticized over my stupid " : ) " also... It has a purpose. Its not just a goofy stupid smile... its there incase someone misunderstands me. Sometimes in print I can sound stupid and apparently rude, and thats just a sign saying I'm not trying to be a jerk.

 

[Chance]

@Chance

Maybe I need to read it too... : )

 

[Chance]

Well said, and couldn't agree more! This happens in daily life so often, and it is a choice everyday to keep out of the abyss. It is heartbreaking when others choose to live in that black hole, or have no idea how to get out of it.

This is such an insightful group, and I am grateful for everyone who openly shares these experiences, you help me grow.

Me too...

 

[ksheehan88]

I know and your so right... I just cant understand that when we are in a world that is hurting in any direction I look, to reach out to someone and then find it basically seems they might hate me for doing so...
it just confuses me... I get it and I just have to move on... I just don't like leaving people in that place, but not my choice. Thank you... : )

Oh and I was harshly criticized over my stupid " : ) " also... It has a purpose. Its not just a goofy stupid smile... its there incase someone misunderstands me. Sometimes in print I can sound stupid and apparently rude, and thats just a sign saying I'm not trying to be a jerk.

I am the same, I can come across rude and argumentative when really that isn't the case. Reading text makes the issue of understanding people even harder sometimes! I would say something like "Just ignore it" or ""don't let it get you down" but I feel exactly the same way when I feel I've upset someone and it just takes time for me to get over it, so I guess time will give you peace

 

[LucyPurrs]

Chance,
I so agree with all that's been said about your positive qualities and how helpful you try to be and compassionate.
I wanted to tell you a story about having to fire someone. There was a person I supervised who refused to comply with my boss's directives. Trying to supervise her was a nightmare. I had to essentially try to force a round peg into a square hole. I felt caught in the middle (and was) and had respect for both my boss and the person I was supervising but there was really no way out. We ended up yelling at each other during supervision sessions- I couldn't bear this- I'm not a yeller but she was able to push my buttons big time. Well, finally my boss told me to fire the supervisee. I did with great apprehension and difficulty. She actually walked to another agency next door and got a job there the same day. She came back and thanked me saying she'd wanted to quit but was scared to. All the other office staff, whom I also supervised, also thanked me. I thought it was going to be the end of the world but it actually turned out to be the best for all involved. So you never know. Hope this story helps a little.

 

[Chance]

you need to be aware that you are responsible for how you communicate a message and the listener is responsible for how he/she interprets the message she/he hears

if you are honest and neutral, factual, with no intent to do harm, then maybe the offence has
more to do with the listener's make-up rather than what you said
and that you don't necessarily need to care how one individual responds,
if 50% are neutral to what i say, 25% can to some degree identify with what i say, 20% disagree with what i say and 5% disagree sufficiently to make it personal

well, i can live with that
you have to learn not to care, but to only focus on the opinion's of those whose opinion matters to you

sorry that i don't sound very empathetic, that's just how my brain works

Your right I suppose... but I have maybe enough empathy for 10 people and don't know how to use it...
Its a nightmare inside this meat suit sometimes. So its like I cant think about not trying to do or say something, but right there is where things seem to get all crossed up. I will think I am doing something good to only have someone screaming at me... Or I will decide not to do something only to have someone call me a rude a** hole... Sometimes I get it right and it feels really good inside, and then I mess up again.

It is what it is... I do the best I can and I am usually way harder on myself than others are on me.
I cant stop caring. Sometimes I wish I could, but thats like not having air or water in how I feel inside, but yet at the same time, I do understand what you are saying... and thank you for your advice. : )

 

[Chance]

Chance,
I so agree with all that's been said about your positive qualities and how helpful you try to be and compassionate.
I wanted to tell you a story about having to fire someone. There was a person I supervised who refused to comply with my boss's directives. Trying to supervise her was a nightmare. I had to essentially try to force a round peg into a square hole. I felt caught in the middle (and was) and had respect for both my boss and the person I was supervising but there was really no way out. We ended up yelling at each other during supervision sessions- I couldn't bear this- I'm not a yeller but she was able to push my buttons big time. Well, finally my boss told me to fire the supervisee. I did with great apprehension and difficulty. She actually walked to another agency next door and got a job there the same day. She came back and thanked me saying she'd wanted to quit but was scared to. All the other office staff, whom I also supervised, also thanked me. I thought it was going to be the end of the world but it actually turned out to be the best for all involved. So you never know. Hope this story helps a little.

Thank you... I have been given till January. I hate to do it... I am actually trying to find him a job through some connections... I care way too much. Its to the point of sad at times...

 

[Fitzo]

Your right I suppose... but I have maybe enough empathy for 10 people and don't know how to use it...
Its a nightmare inside this meat suit sometimes. So its like I cant think about not trying to do or say something, but right there is where things seem to get all crossed up. I will think I am doing something good to only have someone screaming at me... Or I will decide not to do something only to have someone call me a rude a** hole... Sometimes I get it right and it feels really good inside, and then I mess up again.

It is what it is... I do the best I can and I am usually way harder on myself than others are on me.
I cant stop caring. Sometimes I wish I could, but thats like not having air or water in how I feel inside, but yet at the same time, I do understand what you are saying... and thank you for your advice. : )

I think one of the 'benefits' of being brought up in an abusive situation where you are shown no empathy, is that you actually develop pretty good empathy yourself. Maybe that is why you have so much Chance.
Thank you for starting this thread because I think there are lots of really insightful lessons for many of us contained in here.
For me, I have realized that I do have a great deal of empathy, but what I lack is the will to actually use it a lot of the time. And I applaud you for not letting your past taint your present like I think I have.
I especially liked Pax's garbage truck story and I really intend to try and put that kind of thinking into practice in my own life a lot more.
Thanks to everyone who has contributed such a wealth of knowledge and inspiration

 

[pax]

My husband sent me the garbage truck story a couple of years ago when I couldn't understand how I was getting treated badly by a seemingly disproportionate number of people; most of whom I was really pleasant to. I am trying to put it into practice. I'm less reactive than I used to be.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Your right I suppose... but I have maybe enough empathy for 10 people and don't know how to use it...
Its a nightmare inside this meat suit sometimes. So its like I cant think about not trying to do or say something, but right there is where things seem to get all crossed up. I will think I am doing something good to only have someone screaming at me... Or I will decide not to do something only to have someone call me a rude a** hole... Sometimes I get it right and it feels really good inside, and then I mess up again.

It is what it is... I do the best I can and I am usually way harder on myself than others are on me.
I cant stop caring. Sometimes I wish I could, but thats like not having air or water in how I feel inside, but yet at the same time, I do understand what you are saying... and thank you for your advice. : )

People have their own journey to make.
Your challenge is to let them make it.
If people ask for help we will give it.
For what's good and what isn't- a problem for god. If you can use the concept without baggage.
Let go and let God.
Breathe in and breathe out.

 

[Chance]

People have their own journey to make.
Your challenge is to let them make it.
If people ask for help we will give it.
For what's good and what isn't- a problem for god. If you can use the concept without baggage.
Let go and let God.
Breathe in and breathe out.

Very good and no juggling...

But in this please know its not about me "having" to help, being right, none of that...
It was about learning how to handle it... Which I think ALL of you did more than I could have
ever imagined...

Good grief.... you go back and look at what people wrote... And ASD people are so messed up?
I dont think so... And I never have.

I might be around the most intelligent people I have ever had the honor of knowing and most all of are mostly just misunderstood for that in some different way or another...

I kept fearing this post might steer off into some bashing thing... NOT ONCE, not even a boggle...
And ASD people are so messed up... I beg to differ because a whole bunch of them just held a post on a razors edge and were more informative that any where I could have imagined to go...

So I'm thankful and I'm blessed... no worries. : )