Thought of killing myself when I was 17

[Markness]

So very true. At 25 I was a living example of what you are trying to tell Markness. I was wallowing in loneliness and negativity and nothing was changing in my life except for some success in my research. Yet, I did not even know what autism was. I was so desperate for change that I did the only things open to me; unabashedly enjoying my interests, learning to be social, and digging deep to change myself. That is when life started to change for me.

Don’t you think I’ve made attempts to do the same things you’ve mentioned only to continue to get bullied, shouted down, struggle because of my inherent challenges, hit dead ends, and have disappointing outcomes?

 

[Markness]

Please do respond to us here in your thread, @Markness, that's what takes ideas and understanding further, if you respond with your thoughts or questions, not shutting down the other person by assuming they may be critical of you, or just by your silence. It's good to engage here, and to follow up the ideas from others, if you can. It's your choice though, of course.

I’ve been feeling tired and feverish from the Texas heat, I tried to read more of the book tree recommended to me but I either doze off while reading it or my mind doesn’t retain anything from it, and I have analysis paralysis on what I should devote my time to.

 

[Misery]

Don’t you think I’ve made attempts to do the same things you’ve mentioned only to continue to get bullied, shouted down, struggle because of my inherent challenges, hit dead ends, and have disappointing outcomes?

Actually, no.

That negative attitude has yet to even show a minor crack.

Going out and performing the actions will prove fruitless if the mindset behind those actions is incompatible with their stated goal.

You have to change your attitude FIRST. As in, really, GENUINELY change it. THEN go do those things.

Also I thought of a quote just now (that I heard somewhere else) that I think is somewhat relevant to all of this:

"A loser is someone who gives up when they fail. A winner is someone who fails until they achieve victory."

Perfectly illustrates one of the concepts I keep trying to get at, and is a quote I 100% agree with (and it's how I tend to approach things myself). You can be a winner, if you want. You have it in you. I just wish we could get you to truly see that.

and I have analysis paralysis on what I should devote my time to.

I get this myself... I've found that the only real answer is to just choose at random. If I cant figure out what to do, out of a series of choices, well, the solution is just one dice roll away.

Saves time, really.

 

[Thinx]

Have a look at motivational support , and life coaching. I would add, I have noticed when your depression lifts you are more positive and try new ideas more proactively. But if you don't have any input from someone positive who you interact with often, it can be hard to get your mood improving. A coach isn't a friend, but they can help you with finding some people to connect with.

Another tip would be, when you get an answer from someone whose been through this, like @Gerald Wilgus , try making your answer a question, rather than defending yourself? @Gerald Wilgus is keen to help, so you could say, can you break it down for me more, how you made this change? I see the big picture you achieved, but I can't see how that can be done at all? Can you tell me small steps you took, or how you got the nerve to do this? In some ways, did actually NOT thinking about autism help?

You have lots of potential, you just need to get some support that's enough for you to get out of this low mood and up to your more positive mood, that helps you be proactive. Otherwise, like @Misery says, you will get a bit stuck and feel like you are not progressing.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Don’t you think I’ve made attempts to do the same things you’ve mentioned only to continue to get bullied, shouted down, struggle because of my inherent challenges, hit dead ends, and have disappointing outcomes?

Your interpretation of getting bullied and shouted down may be the same as my previous expectation of rejection. That perception is another element about yourself that needs work.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Lets try this from a different angle, lots of us are highly educated, I am a pretty good observer of human behavior.
A lot of very prominent scientist's I noticed are very have strong indicators of being very high functioning autistic.
Some were so extreme you would never think they would ever get married, but yet they did, my best example of this would be a guy called Paul DIrac, he was so far in the spectrum a book was written about him for being so strange he spoke with very few words. yet he got married. married the sister of another prominent colleague.
I learned from my youngest son if you want to meet some one you need to be in a target rich environment. where there is a high probability you will meet some one who shares interests. allow your personality to come through, not hidden behind a mask. Paul hung out with his colleagues, shared meals met a sister of one she liked his strange personality. probably reminded her of her brother. So you have to find what what you target environment is and make a point of being there socializing, being yourself.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Lets try this from a different angle, lots of us are highly educated, I am a pretty good observer of human behavior.
A lot of very prominent scientist's I noticed are very have strong indicators of being very high functioning autistic.
Some were so extreme you would never think they would ever get married, but yet they did, my best example of this would be a guy called Paul DIrac, he was so far in the spectrum a book was written about him for being so strange he spoke with very few words. yet he got married. married the sister of another prominent colleague.
I learned from my youngest son if you want to meet some one you need to be in a target rich environment. where there is a high probability you will meet some one who shares interests. allow your personality to come through, not hidden behind a mask. Paul hung out with his colleagues, shared meals met a sister of one she liked his strange personality. probably reminded her of her brother. So you have to find what what you target environment is and make a point of being there socializing, being yourself.

I second that! The environment I felt most comfortable in was among those enjoying outdoor activities. 7 couples, all longtime friends who have decided to move to NW Michigan all met each other through outings, and y'all know that i was able to interest my spouse when I helped her prepare for a trail maintenance trip. Funny, but I went into it with no expectation of entering a relationship, only somebody to share a long drive with, so i was myself and totally relaxed. Relaxed until I first made love with her, because then I was a bundle of anxiety and insecurity, a 28 year old virgin, yet I pushed through that. Being vulnerable to her was special and changed my life. This 44 year relationship happened when i was least looking for one.

 

[grommet]

 

[tree]

I’ve been feeling tired and feverish from the Texas heat, I tried to read more of the book tree recommended to me but I either doze off while reading it or my mind doesn’t retain anything from it, and I have analysis paralysis on what I should devote my time to.

Surely you're not reading outdoors?

I thought the house you live in had air conditioning.

Do you not have one of those small fans available to your use?

 

[Markness]

Surely you're not reading outdoors?

I thought the house you live in had air conditioning.

Do you not have one of those small fans available to your use?

I am not. I get hot during work and having to go outside to my car.

The upstairs AC unit got fixed. I am just usually hot and tired after work.

I don’t have one.

 

[tree]

So take a shower, or soak your feet, or
put a cool damp cloth on your forehead.

And invest in a small fan.

You live in Texas.
Equip yourself.

 

[Zhantera]

oh hey. I live in Nevada, with triple digits and wildfires. So last year, our ac went out and our upstairs, where we work, was over 100 degrees. Can highly suggest a wet towel or sheet wrapped around you. Also ice cubes in a foot bath. There is a youtube video on building your own room ac out of a styrofoam ice chest that I seriously considered. Stay cool, fans help, especially if pointed at you while you have the wet towel on you. That's how i slept for months when our ac went out.

 

[Markness]

Your interpretation of getting bullied and shouted down may be the same as my previous expectation of rejection. That perception is another element about yourself that needs work.

I’ve been cussed at and physically harmed even as an adult. It’s not faulty perception, it actually happens to me.

 

[tree]

And then what?

 

[Thinx]

Maybe try asking @Gerald Wilgus how he managed those difficult feelings, instead of being defensive? He is trying to help by offering his similar experiences, he is not someone who is putting you down. Try to focus on what you want, not how others have been unhelpful to you in the past.

Good ideas here about how to cope in hot weather, hope you can get a fan, they are not expensive. Be careful not to have it blowing straight at you too much, I have had neck pain or stiff back from doing that, I guess that's why they normally oscillate.

 

[Markness]

And then what?

The vicious cycle never takes a break.

 

[Markness]

Maybe try asking @Gerald Wilgus how he managed those difficult feelings, instead of being defensive? He is trying to help by offering his similar experiences, he is not someone who is putting you down. Try to focus on what you want, not how others have been unhelpful to you in the past.

Good ideas here about how to cope in hot weather, hope you can get a fan, they are not expensive. Be careful not to have it blowing straight at you too much, I have had neck pain or stiff back from doing that, I guess that's why they normally oscillate.

I want a lot but I don’t know how to go about achieving those wants and I often feel like my life can’t change course because I always mess up everything I do.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I want a lot but I don’t know how to go about achieving those wants and I often feel like my life can’t change course because I always mess up everything I do.

The first thing you need to do is an attitude adjustment. Tell your therapist to start on CBT or CPT with you and if they don't, tell them to get lost and get somebody who will. Next:
1. Quit complaining. I mean it.
2. Stop blaming others for your failures. It's all on you.
3. You get one more chance to complain. Write your narrative of failure.
4. Beat yourself up for letting yourself fail. That is the last time you're allowed.
5. Write down your goals.
6. Give your narrative, to your therapist and tell them that you want to rewrite it positively.

 

[Thinx]

Your insight into what happens is definitely improving, but rather than that you 'mess up', you lack confidence and self esteem, I would say, and that holds you back. This needs gradually building up. Also yes you do seem to have got very low motivation, which can be related to having depression, and that I think causes you to feel you may not be able to achieve goals. However, if a goal is hard to achieve we have often set it too high, and need to make it smaller. There's no right or wrong about this.

Say for example, you are thinking, I want a small fan to make my room and me cooler, but I have no idea what to buy or how it works! You could take a look on the internet to see some fans for sale, and ask others here what they have or which to choose. Lots of people will have needed fans and needed to get one, you don't have to do that alone.

You do have trouble actually getting up the motivation to ask for more information or help though, I think. This is because of depression and how low your confidence has got. It must be very hard to be proactive with all that going on. Just keep inching your way towards what you want and need. You have lots of potential, however hard that is for you to see.

 

[Thinx]

@Gerald Wilgus can be quite direct, perhaps, but he is interpreting your difficulties within his own framework, where he had to take responsibility for his early difficulties with no one to help as far as he knew at the time, after quite a harsh family style. Our families affect what we can find easy or difficult. I think it's hard for @GeraldWilgus to bear how difficult you are finding it to progress.

I guess I would say you are not really getting what you need from your therapist and it's unlikely they know the approaches Gerald is using, or that you could quite yet use those approaches, without some motivational work first. Gerald has done a lot already and is embracing those approaches and finding them pretty hard, but effective, you could too, in time.