Time to get busy dying?

[Gift2humanity]

Is anyone here contemplating not
Living anymore? I am 40 and I am an aspergarian and an alcoholic. I am out of hope. The latter had led me to some legal trouble. But more than that, I do not believe alcoholics ever heal, any more than we with Aspergers. I have nothing, I am nothing, and I think the honorable thing to to consider ending my life. I have lived for nothing, and these two conditions have destroyed me.

I’ve been suicidal on quite a few occasions and felt like I couldn’t give a monkeys if I lived or died.
What has stopped me is this:
We are not just bodies, bags of flesh. I am not religious in that I don’t follow any one religion, but it does not make sense to me, to be born and then just die. The singer songwriter sting says it all: “we are spirits in the material world “.
We die our bodies Rot That if we are not cremated. Then, we are born again with a new body and a whole new life. The reason for this is to learn. If we commit suicide we are just faced with the same problems are worse so suicide is pointless otherwise I would have done it long ago when I used to believe that there was nothing after this life. I am an addict and my reason for addiction is my response to trauma. Trauma are incorrect response to it is the reason behind addiction.
When you say you have nothing do you mean material possessions and money? I am sure you have non-tangible things to offer the world.
It breaks my heartTo hear you say I am nothing. Somebody has planted that thought in your mind and they are talking cobblers.
I have known a man there very long time, an alcoholic who stopped long ago, I’ve met quite a few at groups who’ve been off years.
Trust me you don’t want to top yourself and find that your problems are still there because that’s what will happen, you still have time.
You can detox, and you can get support to stay off.
The drug I am addicted to is a bit more tricky. It’s dangerous. I am trying to detox by reducing my dose.
There is online and off-line support to keep off the booze and to find out why you want to keep drinking the booze is feeling a hole.
Importantly I want to congratulate you for reaching out, For just talking about how you feel, It takes great courage to come on here and say what you said. There is hope for you even though you don’t see it. What saddens me is that you think suicide is honourable because it shows how little you think of yourself, somebody that worthless would not post on here about their feelings, you have you’ve got guts there is hope keep reaching out.

 

[Gift2humanity]

Because
Life is not worth living

I am heartbroken. Please keep reaching out Here.
I know nothing about your life but the fact that you have posted shoes that there is something worth living for even if you don’t see it, take one day at a time.

 

[Gift2humanity]

I have felt like that a lot. I have felt like I don't exist, like I've already died and somehow haven't realised it yet. And contemplate running away. It isn't easy if there's nobody who cares to share it with. I realised the isolation and loneliness were fueling it. Then I came here and found people who care. Who I like. And things have changed.
I'm glad you have revealed yourself here, Jared. Keep talking. Someone is always listening.

True somebody is always listening I agree with @SimonSays.

 

[Gift2humanity]

There is no one. I’ve seen therapists since I was 8 years only and I’ve never gotten better. I learned about my Aspergers in my 30’s but knowing hasn’t helped me become better. I’ve gone
To school, tried to become an EMT, a trainer, I
Was in the Iron workers union for 4 years as an apprentice and tried to join the Navy reserves. None of my efforts were good
Enough. Not for my family, my
Country, a woman or a friend. I am broke, unattractive, uninteresting and unaccomplished. All of that was just because of Asperger and now I am
Prone to alcohol addiction. I am a male, but not a man, an adult, but
Not grown up, hard working, but have nothing to show for my struggle and suffering. To shrug off the mortal
Coil is now bringing a grin to my face, because I don’t have anymore hope, no more dreams, and I no longer believe in family, love, or god.

I hear you you have tried a lot of things but you are in the wrong life path. You have not found what you love doing.
Some foolishly behaved person has planted negative seeds in your head at a young age. This person was also traumatised in their time.
You are better than them. I can’t tell this because you have come here.
Families aren’t always friends and they sometimes don’t want what’s best for us sometimes we have to politely cut them out of our lives, but that does not mean we run away by killing ourselves.
What is attractive anyway. I’ve seen so-called ugly people many of them very happy indeed fully alive and full of joy and pig ugly.
Looks only matter to people who are shallow minded and not worth bothering with.
Whether or not you believe in this so-called God or what ever you want to call him her it, something created the universe. Something created nature. Animals are nature. The human species is nature and you are human. Asperger’s syndrome can be a blessing.
You might not say this but I have a good eye for talent and I see inviting talent in your posts. You might find you enjoy writing, write, Writing is therapeutic, grab yourself a notepad and a pen and write for all its worth.
Please stay with us you might see use as Internet strangers but we care, we care enough to make these posts because we don’t want to lose you, and you don’t want to die because I’m the other side are the same same problems for you to work through.

 

[Gift2humanity]

No I don’t believe in the afterlife.

I’m not religious, there is no white haired man in the sky with a beard.
There is a creator and there is life after me die and after we die from that life it’s called reincarnation. What would be the point in being born with just a body and nomsoul, we wouldn’t be able to learn you wouldn’t be able to live and we wouldn’t be able to love.
I fully get that you think life is meaningless and devoid of love and hopeless, you are feeling that right now, I felt it myself I’ve even planned my suicide out, I even accidentally overdosed on drugs and didn’t bother getting an ambulance which is foolish and although I have lots of problems that I cannot see a solution to right now I am lucky to be alive because I know that if I had gone to sleep permanently from that Drug overdose I will be facing the same problems again and I don’t want that for you.

 

[Gift2humanity]

Ok.

I believe this is not all there is. Of course if I'm wrong there'll be nothing there to know that I was wrong, lol. But still...
While it's not a very defined belief, it makes it so that acting on feelings you describe when I have them seems pointless. I might go, but that won't be the end. I believe I am here for a reason and can only go, as @AprilR mentioned, naturally, or whatever way life brings.

So it's not a faith in some religious belief, just in the idea that I am more than this ego structure, my thoughts and beliefs. If it were up to me, I would give you a small dose of Psilocybin, the active ingredient in liberty cap mushrooms. It's being used again in therapeutic situations, and definitely helps IMO. It has always helped me.

This is a really good way of putting it.

 

[Jared Jacobson]

Ok.

I believe this is not all there is. Of course if I'm wrong there'll be nothing there to know that I was wrong, lol. But still...
While it's not a very defined belief, it makes it so that acting on feelings you describe when I have them seems pointless. I might go, but that won't be the end. I believe I am here for a reason and can only go, as @AprilR mentioned, naturally, or whatever way life brings.

So it's not a faith in some religious belief, just in the idea that I am more than this ego structure, my thoughts and beliefs. If it were up to me, I would give you a small dose of Psilocybin, the active ingredient in liberty cap mushrooms. It's being used again in therapeutic situations, and definitely helps IMO. It has always helped me.

 

[Gift2humanity]

Don't make any decisions today.
Choose a date in four weeks time to revisit your circumstances, look again at options and see how you feel about dying then.


In the meantime, get into AA meetings? Email or call the Samaritans?
(I don't know which country you're in)
Tell them the same things you're writing here.

Nobody can stop you making any decisions.

Is it that you don't want to live?
Or that you don't want to live like this?

@Jared Jacobson The last two questions of this post are very relevant you do want to live you just don’t want to live the way you’re living.

 

[Jared Jacobson]

People have tried to tell me that “god has a plan for me.” Well, I’m tired of guessing games. If living my own way is prescribed as a problem, or if people love to insist that I should help others, (which I have tried to do in life and received no awards, not to mention was foolish to try because I found t get my own life on track) than I want a burning bush, writing on the wall, a visit from an angel. SOMETHING! No more guessing games. It
Seems if we are successful, credit goes to family, god or society or government, but when we fail, they leave that baby on the doorstep with a copy of the birth certificate.

 

[Jared Jacobson]

@Jared Jacobson The last two questions of this post are very relevant you do want to live you just don’t want to live the way you’re living.

Both, honestly. My therapist asked me what it Would take to make me happy. I told her; “$1,000,000 in the bank, a home on the Embarcadero and a date with Gina Carano.” I was only half joking. Because I had so insulated and adopted the idea that
A man must achieve great things to be worthy of anything good that I simply cannot adopt another way of thinking. I am too indoctrinated to the idea that mediocrity of a sin and happiness has to be earned. I shot for the stars but I did not reach the moon. Now that I am aware that I am an aspergarian and prone to alcohol addiction, I am simply too tired to continue. I have learned to love my anger, and my sense of betrayal.

 

[Jared Jacobson]

Don't make any decisions today.
Choose a date in four weeks time to revisit your circumstances, look again at options and see how you feel about dying then.


I’ve done both of those things. Sadly I know I am wasting my time. I have never met anyone in AA who was living a better life now that they were sober. They were still defined by their disease and haunted by shame. None of them speak I better relationships, or success of any kind, only that they struggle with an illness that nobody has sympathy for. And the Samaritans and suicide hotline offer no help, because I realize now I have Been a
Follower all my life. I am tired of life being “work.” I have put my nose to the grind stone time and again and thrown myself into scenarios that made me sick to my stomach with anxiety. Dance lessons, sky diving, roller coasters, EMT school twice, the iron workers union, the navy reserves, local theater. When do I get my reward? Where are the feasts we were Promised?

In the meantime, get into AA meetings? Email or call the Samaritans?
(I don't know which country you're in)
Tell them the same things you're writing here.

Nobody can stop you making any decisions.

Is it that you don't want to live?
Or that you don't want to live like this?

 

[Jared Jacobson]

People have tried to tell me that “god has a plan for me.” Well, I’m tired of guessing games. If living my own way is prescribed as a problem, or if people love to insist that I should help others, (which I have tried to do in life and received no awards, not to mention was foolish to try because I found t get my own life on track) than I want a burning bush, writing on the wall, a visit from an angel. SOMETHING! No more guessing games. It
Seems if we are successful, credit goes to family, god or society or government, but when we fail, they leave that baby on the doorstep with a copy of the birth certificate.

 

[Gift2humanity]

especially if you have aspergers,you're hopelessly single & you don't care if you die alone,i don't.

I am single.
When I wanted a partner badly I could not get one.
Now that I am single and I don’t want a partner I found that people chatted me up.

You are lonely, now we’re getting somewhere, now we can start talking.
What we think about ourselves People pick up, the pick up if we don’t like ourselves and they treat us badly. I am writing this post because this is my experience.

 

[Gift2humanity]

@Jared Jacobson
I cannot see your post here but I am glad you are still here

 

[Gift2humanity]

People have tried to tell me that “god has a plan for me.” Well, I’m tired of guessing games. If living my own way is prescribed as a problem, or if people love to insist that I should help others, (which I have tried to do in life and received no awards, not to mention was foolish to try because I found t get my own life on track) than I want a burning bush, writing on the wall, a visit from an angel. SOMETHING! No more guessing games. It
Seems if we are successful, credit goes to family, god or society or government, but when we fail, they leave that baby on the doorstep with a copy of the birth certificate.

I have got major depression and the only thing stopping me from killing myself, truly, is knowing that I will come back with the same problems.
I don’t believe in God. But I do believe in creation and a creator.
Depression means I can’t be bothered reading through stuff but That’s okay read a little bit at a time.
Helping people might not be what you want to do and that is okay.
You do Have a good writing style. I see it as I read your posts.
What did you love doing as a child?
That is a great question to lead you into knowing what you enjoy doing.
It can be anything. It doesn’t have to be something that makes money, It just has to be something you enjoy.
You didn’t drink alcohol before you were eight, when you were a toddler but you did know what you liked, Can you cast your mind back.?

 

[Gift2humanity]

Both, honestly. My therapist asked me what it Would take to make me happy. I told her; “$1,000,000 in the bank, a home on the Embarcadero and a date with Gina Carano.” I was only half joking. Because I had so insulated and adopted the idea that
A man must achieve great things to be worthy of anything good that I simply cannot adopt another way of thinking. I am too indoctrinated to the idea that mediocrity of a sin and happiness has to be earned. I shot for the stars but I did not reach the moon. Now that I am aware that I am an aspergarian and prone to alcohol addiction, I am simply too tired to continue. I have learned to love my anger, and my sense of betrayal.

Life is a gift if you imagine life without the things that get on your nerves do you really not want to live?
I get that you don’t want your problems, I get you feel you failed. Nobody one these.
The frame of mind you are in is holding you back.
There are plenty of happy people who in the great scheme of things haven’t achieved much but they’ve done what they want to do.
It’s not all about achievement and status. It’s as if somebody has planted a seed in your mind that if you don’t achieve you are worthless, this is cobblers.
Betrayal stinks doesn’t it? I feel let down by people, Off-line I thought I had friends when they were using me, well, they don’t deserve a place in my life.
Dr Edward Hall who is the native American mohawk said that to be on the autism spectrum is a license to be at Shaman.
This condition we have is not a curse, it is not a handicap. It is not the reason why I would rather be dead, sometimes I wish I’d never been born, but now that I’m here I have to stay here because there is no way I am coming back to go through these problems again by committing suicide.

 

[Wolfsage]

love to insist that I should help others, (which I have tried to do in life and received no awards

You don't help people because others tell you too. You do it because "you" want too. And don't expect rewards helping others is the reward.

than I want a burning bush, writing on the wall, a visit from an angel. SOMETHING! No more guessing games.

Do you believe any of that could happen? And if it did would you be satisfied with the explanation?

 

[Major Tom]

Life is both luck of the draw and what you make out of it. You can choose to dwell on the negatives or learn lessons from them and move on. Depression can be like a black hole though I know it well. Try and look for positives, no matter how small and insignificant they may be. Get out into nature and off the internet a while. I think all this internet use is causing depression in a lot of people and we are learning to expect instant gratification when that's really not how life works. Life is meant to be a struggle, we are meant to work hard, in order to survive as a species.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Ask of yourself, is the way i am feeling
(about life, live,hope, chronic pain,etc) the way i always feel?
If you dont keep a journal, you may not know for sure. I know i used to be and feel differently. I was more capable once.
Wot time an war hae rent asunder the arts caen make anew.
Its likely time for both of us to start taking drugs. I never wanted to, i complained. My arguments were very clever, compelling even. But still flawed. Just because your argument provokes no response, that doesnt mean you win, no response just means that the person spoken too is too dumb to speak on it.
Here is the truth, i swear it. Everyone with serious mental health issues takes drugs. We self medicate(i do) or we get drugs from a psych that prescribes them. Its what you are lacking(me too) the courage to ask for help. If you tried the drugs and they didnt help, get a different doctor, and try some more.

There are successful people that take drugs. The new ones are much better. It is a life changer supposedly.
Why not eh? Why not get a credit card just to get one? Why not work for free? Why not try strange foods? Why not adopt an animal in need? Why not foster a childe? There are lil ones out in the cold right now, just go find one.

Think about taking medication

If taking medication, think about seeing a different practitioner.

There is greater value than what you know about. There will be a great revival this spring, the birth of a new rennisance(totally spelled that wrong)
Im going out for a few things, be careful

 

[Jared Jacobson]

You don't help people because others tell you too. You do it because "you" want too. And don't expect rewards helping others is the reward.


Do you believe any of that could happen? And if it did would you be satisfied with the explanation?

No I don’t believe in miracles as they’ve been explained. People seem to get rather annoyed that anyone would want to blunt, undeniable messages of old times. And maybe I wouldn’t like the answer, just like being diagnosed earlier would not have prevented problems but it would have provided an explanation, even if my purpose in life was to be a bad example. As for helping others, I’ll be damned if people were going
To raise me up to believe that helping others was a duty, that my desires and needs and dreams were to be considered last, and then tell me I was a selfish rake for wanting something In life for me. Should I join some damned or Eastwood and wonder the earth using rocks for Pillows and healing socks as for little more than food and a thank you from everyone else? Is all I get for my altruism to have nice things said over my coffin after a lifetime of my efforts not being enough? I will gladly help a dog or other animal. The rest of the world can get help from those who can help. I can’t offer any help if my own life is not On track. And to think otherwise is
Mere hubris.