gingerpale
New Member
hello.
english is not my first language, so i am sorry for all the grammar mistakes i am going to make. i really have to write somewhere down what is going inside of my head or i am gonna lose my mind.
from quite young age i have been struggling with my mental health. i don't remember much from my childhood. i remember that my mother signed me to some kind of social therapy and i absolutely hate it. i also remember that she was quite obsessed with taking me to different mental health specialists and i absolutely hated it. i did not really understand why i have to meet them anyways. i had books and i was reading crazy amount of them and it was quite advanced literature for my age, i didn't feel like i need any socialise. i hated all those specialists so much. everytime i was on one of the meetings everything about it seemed so wrong. i was not able to talk about my feelings and i felt really bad that i had to attend them. at some point of my living in society career i learned what to say and when and i even became quite popular among the kids my age, but the psychologists were always asking questions out of scheme and i never know what to answer them. it usually end up in sitting in silence and focusing hard on some object in the room. i didn't mind i could go like that for hours.
now, i am 22 years old. i am a female. i always knew something was different about me and since the teenage years it got worse. i started seeing mental health specialists not so long ago. this time it was my choice. i always thought that may have some obsessive-compulsive disorder, but today i got the referral to asd test and i am not sure if my mind is not playing tricks on me. i guess i am in denial. i always told myself that since i am quite good with social situations, this can not be it right? well me being good in social situations is mostly learning what people like and don't like to talk about and sticking to it, but it was enough to tell myself it was good enough.
since the moment i got the referral my mind has been going crazy. i know that this is just referral and before i will even know anything it is gonna take some time, but i am feeling weirded out. honestly i feel like the whole house of cards i built through years, fell down. i know i have been showing signs of asd some from the very young childhood, but i always felt like due to the fact that i am adult now and i was not diagnosed as a kid, there is no actual possibility that i could have it. to make things clear i never got tested for asd as a kid. if it would turned out that i am in fact on the spectrum it would explain some things. like for example the fact that i have a major problem with physical touch. for as long as i remember i have this thing that i walk in circle in my room. i can do that for hours and i will only look at the floor. i have a problem with sleepovers for as long as i remember. i am not able to sleep anywhere that isn't my bed. i have always been sensitive for all kind of noises and smells. i always eat the same food. i eat the same food for breakfast and dinner everyday. i never get bored. i often get too focused on some object. there is so much more than that and i am scared.
i know it was a bit long and probably dramatic. i am just having a small shock. i didn't expect to get the referral when i am already 22. i always thought that since i didn't get a referral to the test as a kid, i can assume that this is not something i can get diagnosed with.
english is not my first language, so i am sorry for all the grammar mistakes i am going to make. i really have to write somewhere down what is going inside of my head or i am gonna lose my mind.
from quite young age i have been struggling with my mental health. i don't remember much from my childhood. i remember that my mother signed me to some kind of social therapy and i absolutely hate it. i also remember that she was quite obsessed with taking me to different mental health specialists and i absolutely hated it. i did not really understand why i have to meet them anyways. i had books and i was reading crazy amount of them and it was quite advanced literature for my age, i didn't feel like i need any socialise. i hated all those specialists so much. everytime i was on one of the meetings everything about it seemed so wrong. i was not able to talk about my feelings and i felt really bad that i had to attend them. at some point of my living in society career i learned what to say and when and i even became quite popular among the kids my age, but the psychologists were always asking questions out of scheme and i never know what to answer them. it usually end up in sitting in silence and focusing hard on some object in the room. i didn't mind i could go like that for hours.
now, i am 22 years old. i am a female. i always knew something was different about me and since the teenage years it got worse. i started seeing mental health specialists not so long ago. this time it was my choice. i always thought that may have some obsessive-compulsive disorder, but today i got the referral to asd test and i am not sure if my mind is not playing tricks on me. i guess i am in denial. i always told myself that since i am quite good with social situations, this can not be it right? well me being good in social situations is mostly learning what people like and don't like to talk about and sticking to it, but it was enough to tell myself it was good enough.
since the moment i got the referral my mind has been going crazy. i know that this is just referral and before i will even know anything it is gonna take some time, but i am feeling weirded out. honestly i feel like the whole house of cards i built through years, fell down. i know i have been showing signs of asd some from the very young childhood, but i always felt like due to the fact that i am adult now and i was not diagnosed as a kid, there is no actual possibility that i could have it. to make things clear i never got tested for asd as a kid. if it would turned out that i am in fact on the spectrum it would explain some things. like for example the fact that i have a major problem with physical touch. for as long as i remember i have this thing that i walk in circle in my room. i can do that for hours and i will only look at the floor. i have a problem with sleepovers for as long as i remember. i am not able to sleep anywhere that isn't my bed. i have always been sensitive for all kind of noises and smells. i always eat the same food. i eat the same food for breakfast and dinner everyday. i never get bored. i often get too focused on some object. there is so much more than that and i am scared.
i know it was a bit long and probably dramatic. i am just having a small shock. i didn't expect to get the referral when i am already 22. i always thought that since i didn't get a referral to the test as a kid, i can assume that this is not something i can get diagnosed with.