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today i got a referal to asd test and i am freaking out

G

gingerpale

New Member
hello.
english is not my first language, so i am sorry for all the grammar mistakes i am going to make. i really have to write somewhere down what is going inside of my head or i am gonna lose my mind.

from quite young age i have been struggling with my mental health. i don't remember much from my childhood. i remember that my mother signed me to some kind of social therapy and i absolutely hate it. i also remember that she was quite obsessed with taking me to different mental health specialists and i absolutely hated it. i did not really understand why i have to meet them anyways. i had books and i was reading crazy amount of them and it was quite advanced literature for my age, i didn't feel like i need any socialise. i hated all those specialists so much. everytime i was on one of the meetings everything about it seemed so wrong. i was not able to talk about my feelings and i felt really bad that i had to attend them. at some point of my living in society career i learned what to say and when and i even became quite popular among the kids my age, but the psychologists were always asking questions out of scheme and i never know what to answer them. it usually end up in sitting in silence and focusing hard on some object in the room. i didn't mind i could go like that for hours.

now, i am 22 years old. i am a female. i always knew something was different about me and since the teenage years it got worse. i started seeing mental health specialists not so long ago. this time it was my choice. i always thought that may have some obsessive-compulsive disorder, but today i got the referral to asd test and i am not sure if my mind is not playing tricks on me. i guess i am in denial. i always told myself that since i am quite good with social situations, this can not be it right? well me being good in social situations is mostly learning what people like and don't like to talk about and sticking to it, but it was enough to tell myself it was good enough.

since the moment i got the referral my mind has been going crazy. i know that this is just referral and before i will even know anything it is gonna take some time, but i am feeling weirded out. honestly i feel like the whole house of cards i built through years, fell down. i know i have been showing signs of asd some from the very young childhood, but i always felt like due to the fact that i am adult now and i was not diagnosed as a kid, there is no actual possibility that i could have it. to make things clear i never got tested for asd as a kid. if it would turned out that i am in fact on the spectrum it would explain some things. like for example the fact that i have a major problem with physical touch. for as long as i remember i have this thing that i walk in circle in my room. i can do that for hours and i will only look at the floor. i have a problem with sleepovers for as long as i remember. i am not able to sleep anywhere that isn't my bed. i have always been sensitive for all kind of noises and smells. i always eat the same food. i eat the same food for breakfast and dinner everyday. i never get bored. i often get too focused on some object. there is so much more than that and i am scared.

i know it was a bit long and probably dramatic. i am just having a small shock. i didn't expect to get the referral when i am already 22. i always thought that since i didn't get a referral to the test as a kid, i can assume that this is not something i can get diagnosed with.
 
First of all, welcome. You're amongst friends here. :)

1. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 52. Some of us, not until much later than that. So, no worries. 22 years old for a female is not unusual, at all. Males tend to get diagnosed earlier. There are a handful of reasons for that statistic, which I am not going to get into at this point. But rest assured, what you're going through is typical.

2. A referral for a diagnosis of an ASD is an opportunity, not a problem. It is an opportunity to understand yourself. It is an opportunity to accept yourself and your path through life. It is an opportunity to realize that you don't have to be like everyone else. In fact, more harm can be done if you struggle to be like other people. You be you. Fitting in with neurotypical people should never be your goal. The world is pretty messed up because of neurotypical behaviors, so NOT being that way is a blessing, if you let it be.

3. All the things you mention about your symptoms and behaviors, all your concerns about them, can be minimized if you learn the reasons why, and then learn to adapt and overcome. If, and when you receive an ASD diagnosis can be a huge weight lifted off of your shoulders. You can put your life into context and perspective.

Before you go in to have your testing and interview:

1. Write down/type out a long list of all of your behaviors, ways of thinking, social and communication difficulties, sensory issues, experiences, etc. Consider it your "I might be autistic if,..." list. Believe me, when you get into the office, you might not be able to articulate verbally all of your concerns. Having it all written down in front of you will help keep your thoughts straight.

2. Be yourself. If you normally wake up and drink coffee, take stimulants, nootropic supplements to get your day started. Do not. Walk into the office at your worst. The psychologist needs to see that you are autistic, so don't try to hide it. Don't try to mask, camouflage, or fake being "normal". Just be you.
 
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welcome to af.png
 
I agree with Neonatal RRT, don't panic.

Finding out that you're autistic is a good thing. It means therapists are going to stop trying to fix what was never broken in the first place. Instead you get to learn more about why some things make you react the way they do and how to live your life more comfortably.
 
Agreed with those above who said don’t panic. This is all just information that will ultimately help you. Learning about autism and if it explains some of the challenges you have faced in life is a great and freeing thing. We can be here to support you, too. There are lots of people from all over the spectrum here that will be able to understand you and help you figure this out one step at a time.
 
Firstly, there's no need to apologize for your English - it's a lot better than many native English speakers!

Secondly, an ASD evaluation is just that, it's not something that changes anything, it merely provides an opportunity to find out one specific reason for some, or all, of the differences in yourself that you already know about.

Autism is not an awful thing to have when you're at the more functioning end of the spectrum. It's just a different way to think and to learn because it doesn't mean you're faulty. It covers a wide range of symptoms and behaviors, and a diagnosis, if you get one, is an opportunity to learn about yourself and to better tailor your decisions and actions to your strengths rather than your weaknesses.

It is common for people on the autism spectrum to 'mask' and 'mimic', meaning to try and disguise our characteristics, and to copy the behaviors of others, so it can be very hard to know whether you are on the spectrum or not just from things such as socializing and making friends. But if the evaluation shows that you are on the spectrum, it does nothing more than give you a label to explain much of what you already know and experience.

And here, in this group, you'll find a lot of people who can and will help you navigate the result.

By the way, I was not diagnosed until I was 56... and it meant that I was finally able to make sense of myself for the first time. A diagnosis can be a blessing, not a curse!
 
If you happen to be autistic and learn enougth about it, you will be able to play with psicologists and put them to shame.

Most of them know so little about autism that you will outclass them by reading a book or two.

And yes, you are being a bit dramatic. Its nice you have so much energy to spare.

Its ok if you panic a bit. This moment will be an important one in your life, this little panic and drama will help you remember it when you will be a granma telling her diagnose story.

Enjoy. :)

And welcome.
 
Assuming will are ASD, it will be a great relief to know why you are the way you are. I am self-diagnosed and came to that conclusion in 1978 based on what I read about Asperger's syndrome. Only recently have a learned how ASD has effected me in so many ways.
 
Welcome! I relate to some of the things you describe (like pacing in loops).

I'll echo the advice given above to make a note of things as that would likely help with the process, which may help inform what supports you may require, but of course also what your current baseline is, since that can change over time as well as we go through different life stages and encounter different environments (home, school, work, etc.)
 
hello,
thank you all for your replies!
it did make me feel way better and i realised after my panicked mind finally calm down that there is nothing to fear. actually, i have always felt like there was something different about me and when i was in middle school it used to make me feel really bad about myself. in high school i was really good at masking all my social behaviours that would be considered off and not quite exactly what you would expect from a teenage girl. i know that i am only 22 and this is a really young age, but i am tired of acting like someone who i am not. at this point learning all the behaviours became my part-time job and i honestly would like to have moments when i can drop my mask off. i hope that if i got diagnosed or at least someone will tell me if i can cross this one thing off my „what can possibly be different about me” list. i guess at some point i also saw that coming and when i talked with my mother she told me she saw that coming too but when i was a kid, everyone would say that those type of behaviours are not anything worrying for a girl my age back then. honestly, i am still a bit mad. if it turns out that i got diagnosed, maybe i would not have struggle with so many mental downs on my life road and maybe people who are the closest to me, would be able to understand that some things just feel off for me and this is totally fine and the same with my small obsessions. anyways - sorry i haven’t replied so long, i feel like it took me few days to calm down and think about this whole thing with fresh mind. thank you all for making me feel like i am not alone and the things i am struggling with are completely normal.
 
I'm glad you wrote back. I wondered what had happened to you.

gingerpale said:
honestly, i am still a bit mad. if it turns out that i got diagnosed, maybe i would not have struggle with so many mental downs ....
Click to expand...
Don't feel bad. By going down this path you developed a whole heap of survival skills for the NT world that you would have struggled to learn otherwise.
 
gingerpale said:
hello.
english is not my first language, so i am sorry for all the grammar mistakes i am going to make. i really have to write somewhere down what is going inside of my head or i am gonna lose my mind.

from quite young age i have been struggling with my mental health. i don't remember much from my childhood. i remember that my mother signed me to some kind of social therapy and i absolutely hate it. i also remember that she was quite obsessed with taking me to different mental health specialists and i absolutely hated it. i did not really understand why i have to meet them anyways. i had books and i was reading crazy amount of them and it was quite advanced literature for my age, i didn't feel like i need any socialise. i hated all those specialists so much. everytime i was on one of the meetings everything about it seemed so wrong. i was not able to talk about my feelings and i felt really bad that i had to attend them. at some point of my living in society career i learned what to say and when and i even became quite popular among the kids my age, but the psychologists were always asking questions out of scheme and i never know what to answer them. it usually end up in sitting in silence and focusing hard on some object in the room. i didn't mind i could go like that for hours.

now, i am 22 years old. i am a female. i always knew something was different about me and since the teenage years it got worse. i started seeing mental health specialists not so long ago. this time it was my choice. i always thought that may have some obsessive-compulsive disorder, but today i got the referral to asd test and i am not sure if my mind is not playing tricks on me. i guess i am in denial. i always told myself that since i am quite good with social situations, this can not be it right? well me being good in social situations is mostly learning what people like and don't like to talk about and sticking to it, but it was enough to tell myself it was good enough.

since the moment i got the referral my mind has been going crazy. i know that this is just referral and before i will even know anything it is gonna take some time, but i am feeling weirded out. honestly i feel like the whole house of cards i built through years, fell down. i know i have been showing signs of asd some from the very young childhood, but i always felt like due to the fact that i am adult now and i was not diagnosed as a kid, there is no actual possibility that i could have it. to make things clear i never got tested for asd as a kid. if it would turned out that i am in fact on the spectrum it would explain some things. like for example the fact that i have a major problem with physical touch. for as long as i remember i have this thing that i walk in circle in my room. i can do that for hours and i will only look at the floor. i have a problem with sleepovers for as long as i remember. i am not able to sleep anywhere that isn't my bed. i have always been sensitive for all kind of noises and smells. i always eat the same food. i eat the same food for breakfast and dinner everyday. i never get bored. i often get too focused on some object. there is so much more than that and i am scared.

i know it was a bit long and probably dramatic. i am just having a small shock. i didn't expect to get the referral when i am already 22. i always thought that since i didn't get a referral to the test as a kid, i can assume that this is not something i can get diagnosed with.
Click to expand...
I also panicked when someone suggested I might be on the spectrum (this was recent as well). At first I was also weirded out and it felt like my whole life was flipped upside down, but now I'm actually glad I found out. Similar to what others are saying, it's nice to have an explanation for all the reasons you felt different/ misunderstood in the past.
 
Outdated said:
I'm glad you wrote back. I wondered what had happened to you.


Don't feel bad. By going down this path you developed a whole heap of survival skills for the NT world that you would have struggled to learn otherwise.
Click to expand...
sorry to get you worried!
i was just getting a bit too obsessive about this asd topic and almost forgot about my real life responsibilities tjat after all should go first. i also caught myself that i am starting to overthink way too much when i was reading a lot of those stuff and suddenly rethinkinh every symptom listed on some page is really not something i need now when i am trying to get my major.

when it comes to those social skills i am actually quite torn. from one side i am proud of myself and my ability to blend into society so well, that most of the people can not find anything odd about my behaviour or some mimics. from the other side it does require learning all the time and every social group has their own rules etc. at some point i am just worried my mask will fall down and since no one saw that coming it is gonna be way worse than if i would never wore it. from even other side i don’t want people to look at me differently and i don’t want them to know.

sorry for the essay, i guess i just can’t write one short answer
 
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