Too high expectations

[vergil96]

I think the expectations put on me are too high. I just received yet another medical diagnosis, and that one is more serious, but I'm ashamed to talk about it. A cardiovascular one. The logic behind the whole thing is that I try to work or do household chores 12+ hours a day. I'm expected to earn a lot of money, become a professor, and I have to clean and cook for myself. I can't not cook, because of celiac disease. I can't not vacuum and dust, because of allergies. The recent diagnosis requires me to do sport or take walks and take breaks, have rest. How does one actually put a stop to all this? I mean, it sounds not like a real illness, but like overexertion. I feel bad, it takes a toll on my body to work more than most people do and than is considered normal. That's what the problem is. I don't know how to put a stop to it, especially the household chores.

 

[vergil96]

The academics are the easiest thing here. When you ask people about "easier" they tell you to do the less intellectually demanding tasks, but for me that's the easiest. It's "their easy", because they have lower IQs. It's easier for me to program than to study humanities, because programming is more interesting and it's easier to focus, for example. It would be hard for me to attend as many classes as they have in humanities degrees or to talk to people the whole day as a salesperson. It's just tiring to be in a busy place and be responsive for the whole day, I'm an introvert and it drains the energy out of me. I have no idea how to make things "my type of easy". How to lower expectations, when I have celiac disease and allergies and I have to cook and clean, can't skip it. It's complicated, cooking and cleaning with ADHD...

 

[Aspychata]

Is it possible to hire a cleaner for two hours every week? She could clean bathroom, clean kitchen, run a load of laundry, and vacuum and clean floors, clean out fridge. For meals, just pick out extremely easy things that don't require much prep. Sorry to read you are feeling overwhelmed, l hope members can give you support and ideas. Can you get some time off to just focus on this heath information you just received? Just start a post here for easy meal ideas?

https://www.delish.com/cooking/nutrition/g61702651/my-favorite-dinners-for-celiacs/
Some of these recipes just double everything, and put half in the freezer, and just defrost as needed.

 

[Aspychata]

https://glutenfreemall.com/This a place to order gluten free products. The sourdough bread looks great, you spread hummus on that, top with avocados. Find some protein powder and throw in the blender with a banana in the morning, quick breakfast.

 

[jsilver256]

Is it possible to hire a cleaner for two hours every week? She could clean bathroom, clean kitchen, run a load of laundry, and vacuum and clean floors, clean out fridge. For meals, just pick out extremely easy things that don't require much prep. Sorry to read you are feeling overwhelmed, l hope members can give you support and ideas. Can you get some time off to just focus on this heath information you just received? Just start a post here for easy meal ideas?

https://www.delish.com/cooking/nutrition/g61702651/my-favorite-dinners-for-celiacs/
Some of these recipes just double everything, and put half in the freezer, and just defrost as needed.

Yes, that's an excellent point.

I think in general you're very lucky to have options.

You can explore SSI/SSDI, live in a poorhouse for the rest of life, never travel, etc.

Or you can explore ways to spend that money to make your current life easier. Because you can buy accommodations. Meal delivery, cleaners, Uber to drive you to work, etc.

And as you build up accomplishments, your employers will be far more willing to accommodate you.

Since you're in tech (IIRC), I'd also consider whether academia is the right path. It has a very low wage ceiling compared to private enterprise. Check out levels.fyi if you haven't already.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

When I was in graduate school, a long, long time ago, I was doing all the graduate work that the other students (all men) were doing, plus take care of a home and a toddler son.

I talked to my classmates about how they could keep up with it all. Many were staying late at night to work and no way I could do that. Then I learned...they all had wives who did all the extra stuff for them.

I thought to myself "I need a wife." [This is a JOKE]

For different reasons from yours, I currently cannot keep up with all the things I am supposed to be doing. I am exhausted most of the time. So I am sympathetic with that aspect of your challenges.

What I am doing, with minimal success is: just not do a lot of the stuff like housework, mowing the lawn, etc., etc. (or just doing it when I have the energy.) I am hiring some of the work done that I cannot do. I don't have the money for that, but somebody has got to do it. And then try to tell myself to be easy on myself.

 

[jsilver256]

Also, the expectations get nonlinear as you advance in your career.

Yes, people expect you to do great things.

But another way to look at it is that "great things" can also mean only a couple of hours of work per day because you're the only person in the world who can do it.

 

[vergil96]

Can you get some time off to just focus on this heath information you just received?

Fortunately, I have vacation now. I graduated and I'm waiting to start to look for a job later. The heat wave made the health problems worse. But I have all the time to take care of myself right now and to make new plans and arrangements.

Is it possible to hire a cleaner for two hours every week?

It's a good idea, I will need to reconsider.

Some of these recipes just double everything, and put half in the freezer, and just defrost as needed.

I was planning to start freezing tbh.

I need to throw out some things from my flat too. I already carried out roughly 10 kg of garbage before I went to vacation. I forget I have the things that I have and I'm a fan of Marie Kondo recently. I miss the times just after moving out when I had like 2 bags of things in total.

But back on topic.

Find some protein powder and throw in the blender with a banana in the morning, quick breakfast.

Tbh I struggle to wash the blender, it stands there for a week and stinks very often. Often I'm so tired that I just sit and do nothing and don't clean even though the flat is dirty there are leftovers etc.

Sandwiches are fine though, not much cleaning, plates with bread crumbs don't require immediate attention and can be washed in the washing machine. If washed by hand, it also lasts 20 seconds. Bo scrubbing.

I'm not from the US, but hopefully I can find a local online store to buy gluten-free products.

Because you can buy accommodations. Meal delivery, cleaners, Uber to drive you to work, etc.

Aha, so these are accomodations?

Or you can explore ways to spend that money to make your current life easier.

It's definitely better in all kinds of ways to have employment and pay for neccesary aids and services. For sure.

And as you build up accomplishments, your employers will be far more willing to accommodate you.

Even if I had the possibility, I don't even know how they could.

I don't think I would qualify for disability benefits or it could be an uphill battle and not quite worth it, since I have savings and could ask family for money too. I could easily get diagnosed with depression and anxiety or something similar, but there are no benefits for it in my area. I had ADHD somewhere in my papers as well, but it's not something to get disability benefits for, especially with the way the doctors describe my ADHD, "no deficits" etc.

I mean, sure. No deficits. But it makes it hard to take care of myself while also being a high performer at the same time. I know plenty of people who have part-time jobs without much pressure, no surprise they manage it all at the same time.

 

[jsilver256]

Even if I had the possibility, I don't even know how they could.

YMMV, but I work from home, my boss encourages breaks and to not to work on anything I don't want to work on. Unlimited time off a plus too. If I can't do this job, I can't do any job. Private sector in the USA rewards talent a lot. A lot.

 

[vergil96]

I thought to myself "I need a wife." [This is a JOKE]

So true. Seriously. I also know many guys who have their girlfriend or mother take care of their cleaning and cooking. And they seem not as exhausted.

mowing the lawn

I'm glad I have a small flat, not a house, at this moment.

For different reasons from yours, I currently cannot keep up with all the things I am supposed to be doing. I am exhausted most of the time. So I am sympathetic with that aspect of your challenges.

What I am doing, with minimal success is: just not do a lot of the stuff like housework, mowing the lawn, etc., etc. (or just doing it when I have the energy.) I am hiring some of the work done that I cannot do. I don't have the money for that, but somebody has got to do it. And then try to tell myself to be easy on myself.

*hugs*

Also, the expectations get nonlinear as you advance in your career.

Yes, people expect you to do great things.

But another way to look at it is that "great things" can also mean only a couple of hours of work per day because you're the only person in the world who can do it.

Perhaps I could have accomodations, but I don't even know what to ask for tbh.

Oh, I see now what you mean, less work hours... I think that would be doable, but I don't know how to approach it at this point. I think I can work effecitvely around 30 hours per week. I used to work part time and study at the same time. The part time was 20 hours per week. I think I could do all the full time tasks in 30 hours and go home or take breaks. I'm very fast and do the tasks faster than most employees. I used to work like that with the 20 hours, often I did everything in 15 or 10 hours and left. However, my problem right now is that I don't know if I can keep up even with a reduced amount of hours. The problem with working part time was that I lost a lot of time on keeping up to date with the project, reading what others did when I was absent. In that sense, full time work (including 30 hours a week) is easier. I'd rather be hired full time and be up to date. But even if I worked half the time now, that would still be many tasks to handle. I will get better soon, but I need to also be realistic and make realistic plans.

 

[Aspychata]

Break down what's the biggest obstacle. Is it cleaning, is it cooking? Then figure out that, and then move into the other task. I struggle with cleaning too, l have left blender in the sink, but l don't like to do that, so l take the time to quickly wash, or l tell myself the next time l go to the kitchen, l need to clean blender. Maybe invest in a little panni grill, you can easily grill sandwiches, and do grilled cheese, or throw mashed beans, salsa, cheese into a wrap and grill. Just wipe out your grill afterwards.

 

[vergil96]

I think cleaning is worse. I often eat lunches outside and breakfast and supper are bare minimum.

I clean very slowly and skip cleaning the bathroom most og the time, so it's dirty. So is the kitchen sink.

so l take the time to quickly wash, or l tell myself the next time l go to the kitchen, l need to clean blender.

I mean, I also remind myself, but I just sit there and don't move.

I vacuum a small flat and mop the floor in a few hours, because I make large breaks all the time. I get very tired or distracted while doing it. It's not a question of not knowing what I should do or that I should be quicker, but I just can't do it or it takes ages. It went smoother when I had less tasks in the past and had better health. It's as if I'm reaching my limit.

 

[stevens]

I don't know how to put a stop to it, especially the household chores.

Let's start by assuming that you and you alone have the power to assign a "want" or a priority to each of these things. By this I mean that there is zero weight to anyone else's opinion. Which of them would you most miss? Any of them?

I always value others' advice, when it appears to me that they are considering my needs. Sometimes it's bad advice. Sometimes it's good. On the other hand, a lot of advice has an agenda in furtherance solely of the interests of the other person without regard to your own.

Now, as for the medical diagnosis, have you researched more on your own (in peer reviewed publications, NIH, Medline, that kind of thing) to see what additional questions you can ask? Take stock of the power that you do have to make choices, and try to prioritize according to what you can control best.

 

[Aspychata]

Guess what? Cleaning peeps are happy to clean your bathroom. It's no big deal. Hire a well-known agency for bathroom, clean kitchen, thats a lot of stress you no longer will have.

 

[jsilver256]

Oh, I see now what you mean, less work hours... I think that would be doable, but I don't know how to approach it at this point.

You don't approach it. Not legally, at least. You just get the work done and then don't worry about your employer spying on you the rest of time.

I read a book that claimed that autistics get the same amount of work done in 3 hours that NTs require 8 hours to do, for white collar jobs. I'm not sure how universally true that is. But if it is true for you, then just run with it.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

I think cleaning is worse. I often eat lunches outside and breakfast and supper are bare minimum.

I clean very slowly and skip cleaning the bathroom most og the time, so it's dirty. So is the kitchen sink.


I mean, I also remind myself, but I just sit there and don't move.

I vacuum a small flat and mop the floor in a few hours, because I make large breaks all the time. I get very tired or distracted while doing it. It's not a question of not knowing what I should do or that I should be quicker, but I just can't do it or it takes ages. It went smoother when I had less tasks in the past and had better health. It's as if I'm reaching my limit.

This exactly describes my life now. Except that the bathroom is clean.

I get it. I’m hoping that with time, I’ll recover some of my abilities.

Thanks for the hug. Hugs for you too.

 

[vergil96]

Hire a well-known agency for bathroom, clean kitchen, thats a lot of stress you no longer well have.

Thanks for the idea, tbh I didn't know you can hire an agency to clean also as a... regular person if you know what I mean. I thought they were only for firm to clean offices, hotels, gastronomy etc. and to clean very dirty houses where nobody lives kind of thing.

You don't approach it. Not legally, at least. You just get the work done and then don't worry about your employer spying on you the rest of time.

Yup, understood

I read a book that claimed that autistics get the same amount of work done in 3 hours that NTs require 8 hours to do, for white collar jobs. I'm not sure how universally true that is. But if it is true for you, then just run with it.

It seems like it is true for me.

 

[Aspychata]

Great then, write down everything you want done maybe once a week, ask the agency for a estimate on how long, and how much, see if that agrees with your budget. Make sure they vet their workers. If you are unhappy , just let them know of your concerns or ask for a different cleaning person. Maybe once a week will relieve some of your cleaning stress. And if you can afford, leave a small tip for the person. This will free you up for more important things that you need to do, even if it's just relaxing.

 

[AuAL]

Also, the expectations get nonlinear as you advance in your career.

Yes, people expect you to do great things.

But another way to look at it is that "great things" can also mean only a couple of hours of work per day because you're the only person in the world who can do it.

You don’t have to be “the only person”, but can maybe contribute more than expected. I was in an online discussion with some research colleagues last week. Something was said. They went on talking, I went on thinking, then I said, “What if we…”, a whole new angle on the problem we were attacking. They’re off now reprogramming the model. No, I don’t get paid for this, but I will be a coauthor on the next journal paper.

An old boss of mine, when I happened to be on the divisional management team, would turn to me after long discussion and ask for my input. He had learned, and commented on, that I would sit and take the whole discussion in, process it and reduce it, but generally not contribute until asked. (The whole “how to be part of the conversation” problem so many of us struggle with.) But he had learned the value of my “undiagnosed at that stage” autistic superpower. @vergil96, you may well have it too (hyperfocus + data reduction + logical analysis.) You just need to find people to value it.

@jsilver256, academia may be unrewarding compared to the private sector in terms of base salary rates but the work conditions are miles ahead, particular for neurokindred. It may not be the case in other places but here, in Oz, the employer superannuation (401(k)?) contributions can be astounding.

As so many have already suggested, for the day-to-day battle with household entropy - hire someone else to do it.

 

[vergil96]

the work conditions are miles ahead, particular for neurokindred.

I'm not convinced. The schedules of teaching aren't for me at all. I need roughly the same schedule everyday. You also have to teach a lot of people. It would be too overwhelming for me to do it as more than a side hustle.

The situation is that I'm being offered to do a PhD. I don't want to brag, because many people apply to PhDs and struggle to get the chance, I'm being asked multiple times by the professors, and I'm getting the chance and I'm rejecting it. I want to eventually do the PhD, but I want to do it externistically, through publications, not working at the university full time. At least not now. I'm functioning poorly because of the irregular schedule that I had to endure throughout the Master's degree. I need a break from irregular schedules. I have family who are professors and they are supportive and I know about the option of externistic PhD thanks to my uncle. He did his this way and he didn't follow the path of having a strictly academic career either. He is now elderly, therefore he mostly lectures now, but he used to join a career in law with academia. Science has always been his passion, and so it is mine.

I have a concern that working full time and doing a PhD at the same time might be too much to handle, though, so I'm not set on the PhD. It's my priority to have a job that suits my needs, and where I could go roughly everyday and have the same schedule, leave the house, see people on a regular basis, but do my own thing most of the time.