Too little too late

[Nisk]

But to go back to you, you are being too hard on yourself!

Yes and no, I'm a realist and it's hard not to be critical if your feeling down. I have had ample opportunities to change and was unwilling to even try but I have also done things so far away from my comfort zone and continued to do them until I found a way to cope. I'm neither NT or a women so I fail to understand her before I even began the relationship. That doesn't mean I couldn't have done more, like they say it's the little things. Telling your wife she looks pretty, letting her pick what to watch, simply asking her out on a date and bringing her home flowers. These are the things that I have failed at mostly there the little things that are a mild discomfort for me to do but tell my wife she still heard and appreciated. At the moment my situation is a cautionary tale how overtime the little things turn into bigger things and how every women needs to feel special at least once in awhile. Her part is a lot more mental and related to traumas and abandonment issues she's left in attended since she was a child. At the moment she can't separate my unwillingness to address her issues she been asking to be look at and the neglect she feels with the feelings she had from a boyfriend that almost killed her with physical abuse. She has a long way to go as well but she's been actively trying to address certain things over years where as I haven't. If anyone is familiar with it she just started a set of the 12 steps and that can cause a lot of things to resurface. I'm hopeful that she may see more clearly when she finishes them a lot of the work at the end surrounds identifying and accepting your part and taking responsibility for your actions. I just need to work on myself for myself because even I'm aware how I've become codependent with her using her as a shield for my anxiety. Steer myself away from drugs and feelings of depression. Put one foot in front of the other and hope for the best whatever that ends up being.

And blah!!!

 

[Nisk]

In the end you really have to ask yourself "did you try as hard as you can" if the answers no then you probably could have done more.

 

[Mia]

In the end you really have to ask yourself "did you try as hard as you can" if the answers no then you probably could have done more.

You're blaming yourself for not living up to your wife's idea of who you're supposed to be, and maybe the one that you thought you were for awhile, but its not exactly who you are, or want to be.

Lived the first five years of my marriage in a kind of fantasy world; romance, gifts, parties, restaurants, clubs, lots of socializing. My husband channeled the 'romantic storybook fantasy' that I saw as real, he was perfect at it. He hated dancing, I loved dancing, he went through tortuous dance classes, let me pick his clothes out. Years of listening to music and people who talked about superficial things that didn't interest him. He did all that for me, because he wanted to be with me, and that's what I wanted at the time. But it wasn't real, it was how we are 'supposed' to act as far as society shows us what's 'normal,' how everyone is supposed to live. And much of what that was, is about stuff, the kind of car you drive, the diamond ring, the television and the house.

I saw him as a certain kind of person, so, he became that person, because he wanted to be part of the life I lived for awhile. It wasn't who he really is, neither of us actually knew much about who we were in the early years. It takes a long time to figure it out, it might start as; 'I don't like that, but I like this, I'm not comfortable doing this, I'm not enjoying this. I'd rather be home reading a book, playing music, making a meal, puttering around. Whatever interests you develop on your own, short-term or long-term are more 'you' eventually. What you do or think eventually is part of how you think about yourself. At least it has been for myself.

Blamed my spouse for not living up to my expectations, he put his head down and stuck it out. I realized that they were 'my' expectations, and not his, that what he 'pretended' was not who he was or is.

Stopped blaming him, and began to understand him, understood his difficulties, triumphs, frailties, and looked at myself and saw things I didn't like. The more I understood myself and the things that mattered, the more I realized that we pretty much wanted the same things.

 

[Nisk]

I agree Mia and I know that I'm putting a lot of the blame on myself, I have a few people to talk with and generally speaking I'm over the feelings that this was all my fault. I know that my wife needs to deal with some serious other issues and I can see a pattern of her going to the psych ward again. I do need to hear that I need to take it easy on myself though, so thank you. It's difficult to recognize that when your mind is racing with thoughts of what you did wrong and what you need to do to repair the damage.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I agree Mia and I know that I'm putting a lot of the blame on myself, I have a few people to talk with and generally speaking I'm over the feelings that this was all my fault. I know that my wife needs to deal with some serious other issues and I can see a pattern of her going to the psych ward again. I do need to hear that I need to take it easy on myself though, so thank you. It's difficult to recognize that when your mind is racing with thoughts of what you did wrong and what you need to do to repair the damage.

When my Mom was thinking of leaving, 12 years ago, my Dad went through a stage of everything-was-his-fault. Now, (my Mom gone, me and my brother living with him as adults) he sees everything as me and my brother's faults. I'm not sure what my point is, to be honest.
I think, in such matters (things like going out to dinner together, being more sociable, whatever the issue may be), it's not about "fault" at all. These aren't objective ethical matters. It's just a matter of different personalities, different expectations...
Yes, you can do the things your wife wants. But not because you're doing objective wrong if you do otherwise. No, the reason for doing those things is because you've decided to adjust to the tastes of someone you care about.