Too shy to ask women out on dates

[Markness]

I honestly can’t stop thinking about my singlehood. I am always wondering why I am the only one of my siblings who isn’t married and if things are ever going to change.

 

[GadAbout]

I honestly can’t stop thinking about my singlehood. I am always wondering why I am the only one of my siblings who isn’t married and if things are ever going to change.

You're a ruminator. (I did not say ruminant!)

 

[Markness]

You're a ruminator. (I did not say ruminant!)

I feel like I was meant to do certain things but for some reason the ability to do these things has been either denied to me or hindered severely.

 

[GadAbout]

If a certain type of thought keeps causing you pain, it makes sense to jettison that type of thought in favor of something more beneficial, such as an affirmation.

I hope that your TMS will make it easier to stop ruminating on these unproductive thoughts.

 

[Markness]

If a certain type of thought keeps causing you pain, it makes sense to jettison that type of thought in favor of something more beneficial, such as an affirmation.

I hope that your TMS will make it easier to stop ruminating on these unproductive thoughts.

Whenever I see someone drawing really good or writing songs as well as playing them (especially if they are in a band), it really guts me. Even though I wanted to excel at the arts, I always struggled and whatever I did always looked poor in comparison to anyone else’s efforts. I can’t even write without it looking scribbly so that translates to bad drawing and I’ve never had any friends to “jam” with. Most of the kids I was around didn’t want to play music and the few that did didn’t live close to me or had conflicting musical ideas with me. I was also shut up at home most of the time since my parents worked constantly and far from the city.

 

[GadAbout]

Whenever I see someone drawing really good or writing songs as well as playing them (especially if they are in a band), it really guts me. Even though I wanted to excel at the arts, I always struggled and whatever I did always looked poor in comparison to anyone else’s efforts. I can’t even write without it looking scribbly so that translates to bad drawing and I’ve never had any friends to “jam” with. Most of the kids I was around didn’t want to play music and the few that did didn’t live close to me or had conflicting musical ideas with me. I was also shut up at home most of the time since my parents worked constantly and far from the city.

There you go, perseverating again. What's the point?

 

[Markness]

There you go, perseverating again. What's the point?

I suppose it’s a habit that my mind keeps making me feel like I should do it.

 

[Dr. Eh Hol]

You should know that any extraordinary feats that you see others performing, in a band or drawing for example, are likely the best these people have to offer. I've known many, many people with talents that they like to show off - but their greatest talent is hiding how mediocre they really are.

I know over a dozen people that were "in a band" or went to jam sessions with people. Guess what? Some of them can play like one or two songs and that's it, the rest only make noise. They can't compose, they can't improv, they can't even talk shop. They just learned enough to look cool and are riding it for all it's worth.

I know plenty of "artists" who simply make messes and call it deep, visionary, or a masterpiece. They have no talent at their art, no sense of self-expression...but are very talented at talking themselves up. They aren't interested in learning a craft or developing their talents.

A problem many ASDs have is romanticizing the unknown. You see the facade others put up, and mistakenly think all the parts of their life add up to equal this public image. Nothing is further from accurate. Almost every time what you will find behind the social performances are confused, sad people attempting to earn social capital in the only way they can - essentially lying about what they have to offer friends or mates.

But, something tells me you intuitively know everything I've said is true, and that's why you cannot commit to anything. You know somehow that the facades are all meaningless BS, and you see no value in developing your talents because you don't have the social skills to sell yourself, talented or not.

Out of all the people I know or have known, there is only one that has had true talent and used it. Just one. That one person really loved their art and were doing it for themselves instead of doing it for the alms of others. This attitude is what develops a person into a great artist. He has very few friends because his skills make all the fakers look stupid, and nobody wants to look and feel like a poser.

So, it's a catch-22: if you have no talent you don't get attention, if you have great talent you are avoided. The social magic spot is pretending you have great talent when you really have none.

You need to come to terms with your jealousy of the attention they get for social performances. It's something you cannot mimic, and all it is doing is distracting you from pursuing things that might actually be fulfilling. Potential mates that respond to fake social facades will never get along with you, so don't waste time on them.

 

[Dr. Eh Hol]

You seem to have a problem with concrete thinking or absolutism - the rap gap comment is a good example.

Social people like social things, whether that be rap or rock. Most people like fun music, no matter the label. Understand that your preference for rock means something to you, but not to strangers. Those girls would have been dancing if it were bluegrass or techno. As long as it was fun music. A preferred music is simply that: a preference. There is no deep-seated meaning behind it that would prevent you from getting along with someone who prefers country music, or anchovies, or Volkswagens, etc.

Don't trap yourself in a box that doesn't exist. Social people are attracted to similarities and differences.

Now, dating outside of your twenties is different. Girls are less likely to date outside of their social world. You almost have to be minimally acquainted to get romantic interest. And, don't try to morph into a person you think deserves love or a mate, or is un-rejectable. Trying too hard scares girls away. So does desperation.

 

[Markness]

I’ve been told I have bought into “learned helplessness” and need to break out of it.

 

[Aspychata]

I’ve been told I have bought into “learned helplessness” and need to break out of it.

Your CD that plays over and over in your head is failure. So you have basically set yourself up to fail by playing this #rap# over and over. I strongly suggest playing #fake it until you make it# rap and smile.

There is a group of woman who meet and their group is called Over 40 and never married. I am trying to open up your eyes that there are lots of woman that are single and simply have never dated.

So start on making friends slowly! This will help with your confidence. The more you think l can't, l can't, l can't, the more you stay on the l can't path. Challenge yourself to talk to one female everyday. Ask how they are doing,ask if they like working there, then come home and think about the success you had.

I have heard guys will ask 1000 woman for dates, because if only one says yes, then that's success.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

The successful and talented people you see where not always that way. A talented artist probably spent 100s of hours learning and practicing and refining their talent, a man in a relationship has probably been rejected dozens of times, and learnt to cope with the fear and pain of that through exposure. When you see other people's success remember that they only achieved that success through hard work, sacrifice, and most likely many failures.

 

[Markness]

I really feel bad every day. I go out in the world but I can’t really join in on anything. It’s like everyone is going to a party and my invitation got lost in the mail.

 

[mummifiedcircuitry]

I really feel bad every day. I go out in the world but I can’t really join in on anything. It’s like everyone is going to a party and my invitation got lost in the mail.

Do you get support services of any type? Do you see a therapist? I think you would benefit from group therapy or some kind of support group. Your world view is very focused on yourself. Maybe hearing from other ppl who also have similar struggles will help humanize ppl to you and help you feel less isolated.

I feel similarly to you at times. That there's a difference between me and others but others don't see me as that different. Ppl are surprised when I tell them I don't feel connections and bonds like I imagine they do.

 

[Markness]

Do you get support services of any type? Do you see a therapist? I think you would benefit from group therapy or some kind of support group. Your world view is very focused on yourself. Maybe hearing from other ppl who also have similar struggles will help humanize ppl to you and help you feel less isolated.

I feel similarly to you at times. That there's a difference between me and others but others don't see me as that different. Ppl are surprised when I tell them I don't feel connections and bonds like I imagine they do.

I am in therapy and I have a TMS session scheduled but it can’t come soon enough.

 

[Rocco]

Try this. It is a relaxing meditation video, with positive reinforcement subliminal messages.

And another...

 

[Tom]

Nothing says you care like a Carrier Pigeon.

 

[Markness]

I forgot about this thread. I need to update it by posting that the TMS session was cancelled on me for mind boggling reasons.

 

[Mindf'Elle'ness]

Hear me out. The 1st thing that comes to my mind is your broken record of self-put downs. What you are thinking in your head is going to manifest itself in your body language, tone of voice, etc.
Be happy with yourself and your accomplishments so far BEFORE you start looking for companionship. A woman won't complete you, and will add to your stressors. You have to build your soul up to withstand getting knocked around a bit.
My boyfriend told me that when he was in high school, he wanted sex so much that he kept a good sense of humour and kept schmoozing the girls until he found the ones that said yes. He said he got a lot of rejection but it was worth it for the victories. Get knocked down and then get right back up if something is important enough to you.

 

[Markness]

Hear me out. The 1st thing that comes to my mind is your broken record of self-put downs. What you are thinking in your head is going to manifest itself in your body language, tone of voice, etc.
Be happy with yourself and your accomplishments so far BEFORE you start looking for companionship. A woman won't complete you, and will add to your stressors. You have to build your soul up to withstand getting knocked around a bit.
My boyfriend told me that when he was in high school, he wanted sex so much that he kept a good sense of humour and kept schmoozing the girls until he found the ones that said yes. He said he got a lot of rejection but it was worth it for the victories. Get knocked down and then get right back up if something is important enough to you.

But how long will it take for me to be happy with myself? I am 31 and I am so far behind socially that even my younger cousins are getting married while I can’t even get a coffee date. I am also not in high school anymore so I can’t do what your boyfriend did anymore.

I just wish I could stop functioning and cease living.