Totally Rejected

[Maelstrom]

The saying "better to be alone than have bad company".

It is true Adora ,but one good kind hearted friend with a sympathetic ear can be priceless. I go out of my way to be friendly and engage in small ways....test the waters so to speak. Now days with so many distractions finding a good hearted friend who has time for you requires sorting through allot of people , but every once in awhile you find one and one is basically all you need most of the time.

My view now is if a auti or aspie engages first on small acts of friendship and small social things, it increases ones odds of finding a non aggressive kind hearted friend, and also gives you more control over how you socialize with said friends. It is better to invite someone to do a thing with you that suits you, than sit around waiting for a social invitation you will likely crash and burn at, that may never be offered.

 

[Catlover614]

I had a long and pedantic reply written out, and I decided it's probably not very helpful. Catlover614 (FKA UniqueChic), you've got a crappy situation, and I seriously doubt that there's actually anything wrong with you. You're an aspie with PTSD. You're playing life in "nightmare" mode (that's the one above "hard" in Doom), and I have no idea what kind of issues could be lurking under the surface in your family. So yeah, you're being mistreated and have done nothing to deserve it. "Scapegoating" is an apt metaphor, in my opinion.

I wouldn't dream of playing therapist here and trying to fix your troubles. I would like to suggest that may still be the thoughtful, giving, and polite person you used to be. It's easy to feel like you've changed permanently when you've been hurt a lot. I'd also like to suggest that there's nothing to figure out here--not with you, not with your family. Accepting and allowing inescapable realities goes a long way toward healing. I hope that is of some help.

Thank you, you have certainly helped me and I sincerely appreciate your words of wisdom. I have been living a 40 year nightmare and I want to know what joy feels like.

 

[Catlover614]

I'm the middle aged scapegoat of an extremely narcissistic father. Our family is rife with narcissistic personality disorder which is a mental illness and mainly affects males. I can trace it back 3-5 generations: great grandfather, grandfather, father (diagnosed about 7 years ago), nephew (my cousin; diagnosed in his late teens and spent over a year in a psychiatric hospital following a narcissist break with reality) and my cousin's son (whom I've been told has also been diagnosed with NPD). My father tells me, his psychologist, and everyone else that I made our family dysfunctional when I was ten years old. Of course, he provides no details or explanations when pressed - he just flies into one of his narcissistic rages and smears me to the rest of the family.

Because of my father's constant emotional abuse and my family's total denial of the obvious, I chose about a year ago to cease all contact with my 90 year old father. My mother died two years ago, having suffered a lifetime of emotional abuse at the hands of my father, so my brother and sister are now solely responsible for his care. I find it amusing that they now hate dealing with him because he tries to get his narcissistic supply (attention) from them, instead of me because I'm no longer available.

I don't know why your family treats you like that, but it strongly reminds me of my own family's dysfunction. All I can offer is for you to RUN, get away, get a job, a place to live, and do not allow your sick parents to suck you back into their dysfunction. Life is good once you make that break. I feel like I'm well into the recovery phase from an extremely abusive childhood. Be strong and know that there are people including me who care about you.

Thank you so much!

 

[Catlover614]

You guys are so encouraging, exactly what I have been needing. I feel a hopeful light turning on. It's hard to bury people who are still alive, but I must in order to fully heal. Much love and hugs to each one of you!

 

[radasp]

I arrived 6 years after my brother who had our parents to himself until he discovered that other kids had brothers & sisters. He asked my parents to have another child - they were older and hadn't planned on it. I arrived, and it upset the entire family culture; I was blamed for an awful lot that I had nothing to do with. Unfair? Sure. I "divorced" my family in my early 20s. My brother continued to be hostile and would pull stunts to keep me from visiting my parents. He even "bad-mouthed" me to people living in our town: there are still strangers who think I'm some kind of "witch." Sibling rivalry can be incredibly destructive. GET OUT!

 

[Catlover614]

I'm out, their choice, not mine. This situation will not defeat me. My best days are ahead of me.

 

[Maelstrom]

The sad thing is you can't make other people be nice, by being nice. And you can't make other people be fair by being fair.....but setting the best example you can in life does make the world better in little bits here and there. Often it is hard to so the good effect you on others around you for years...and some people are to set in their ways to learn a better way of living. Even the Messiah had to dust off his shoes and move on to greener pastures sometimes....it is okay to build a surrogate family by picking truly nice warm hearted people to invest you social time with...it one feels this is needed.

Lemon Pie is my favorite and life seems to often have more lemons in its bowl than peaches , the art is to find a creative to cook up something that makes you happy.
If one way or one person is a dead end try something else...until you find the right combination, all of us aspies struggle with disappointments on the people relations front, Sigh! I just keep saying one more day...one more day...if things get too dark...it works and what else is there? Life is Hope.

 

[robertsomerville]

You're not an accident. Unfortunately we can't pick and choose our parents.

 

[Kari Suttle]

I look at it like this. It was their choice to have you. Specifically, your mother's choice. Even if abortions weren't a thing where you were born back then - idk - then she could have put you up for adoption if she really didn't want you. It was her choice to keep you and raise you, so she and your father should not have ever mistreated you for something they chose. Unfortunately we can't pick our parents. I swear some people should just never be allowed to have kids. You can't change anybody, so if having contact with them just hurts then I would cut off contact with them. You do have the right to be happy.

 

[Hidden_1]

I suffered emotional and physical abuse from my stepfather when I was a child. I still suffer from the emotional pain of that time in my life (I'm now 65 years old) but I have come to understand something. My stepfather was not an inherently evil person. He was certainly ignorant of the damage he was doing and he was not being mean intentionally. I was a stepson and there was no "family connection" between us. He expected a certain behavior from me and tried hard to make me behave his way. Asperger's did not help as it caused me to behave contrary to his plans. I taught myself to behave a certain way to avoid punishment but I lived in fear of him my entire life. I actually felt a sense of relief when he died (I was almost 50). My point is: learn to cope using whatever works for you. You have the knowledge of Asperger's to understand why you respond to others in a certain way. I never had that understanding and spent my life believing I was the stupid, ignorant, useless dumb ass I had been taught I was. I now know better and I feel better about myself. Don't let your family control your life. Try to find a way out and a way to live your life on your terms without their influence.

 

[ChurchTheArtist]

My brother was supposed to be an only child. I was an accident and they sure let me know it. No matter how hard I try to love my mother & father (divorced), they still reject my love. Am I so despicable and detestable that I even my own parents don't want me in their lives? I really don't understand what I have done. I use to be a thoughtful, giving and polite young girl and I have become an isolated woman who has lost her drive. And coping with Aspergers & PTSD, as well. I don't have anyone who understands autism and I get so frustrated with hundreds of links to go check out and keep up with coping mechanisms that I should have learned by now.

Do not lose hope in the frustrations that bombard you at each and every turn. It is true that the world can be cruel and dark and unloving but that doesn't mean you have to let it define you! Do not let the tide sweep you out to sea, find your strength and swim towards the hope of your own fulfillment. You are old enough to be able to stand in the face of adversity even if your childhood bore no long standing allies. For it is said that the world never gets easier, we must simply get stronger.

Do not look to "cope" with sadness, loneliness and neglect but combat it! Coping mechanisms are tools that can be helpful or harmful depending on how they are used. You must not fall into depression and despair, using your mechanisms to shield you from the hard decisions and pains of being an adult. Instead, find the tools you need to stand and face the world's darkness with the light inside of yourself!

Leave all the details in the past for they are barbs that keep us from letting go. You cannot find your true value when caught up in the pains cast upon you by other people. You mustn't let your heart be defined by the pain keeping you down, we truly shine when we define ourselves by the pain we overcome!

 

[Mads]

Reading the other stories on this thread is killing me.

First of all, having you say that you're the problem here is downright stupid and wrong. You are not in anyway "despicable" or "detestable". Judging from your profile picture, you seem like a very lovely woman. You are not at fault for your parents' childish and abusive behavior. You have done nothing wrong besides hurting yourself like this. And even if it seems like you have nobody, there are a ton of friendly sould that will sympathize with and understand you. Of course, you might know that by now.

I really hate the fact that such rotten people can exist.

 

[Catlover614]

The sad thing is you can't make other people be nice, by being nice. And you can't make other people be fair by being fair.....but setting the best example you can in life does make the world better in little bits here and there. Often it is hard to so the good effect you on others around you for years...and some people are to set in their ways to learn a better way of living. Even the Messiah had to dust off his shoes and move on to greener pastures sometimes....it is okay to build a surrogate family by picking truly nice warm hearted people to invest you social time with...it one feels this is needed.

Lemon Pie is my favorite and life seems to often have more lemons in its bowl than peaches , the art is to find a creative to cook up something that makes you happy.
If one way or one person is a dead end try something else...until you find the right combination, all of us aspies struggle with disappointments on the people relations front, Sigh! I just keep saying one more day...one more day...if things get too dark...it works and what else is there? Life is Hope.

You believe in the Messiah, awesome, me too! I have put this issue in God's hands so I will not worry about it anymore. Thank you for your input.

 

[Catlover614]

Reading the other stories on this thread is killing me.

First of all, having you say that you're the problem here is downright stupid and wrong. You are not in anyway "despicable" or "detestable". Judging from your profile picture, you seem like a very lovely woman. You are not at fault for your parents' childish and abusive behavior. You have done nothing wrong besides hurting yourself like this. And even if it seems like you have nobody, there are a ton of friendly sould that will sympathize with and understand you. Of course, you might know that by now.

I really hate the fact that such rotten people can exist.

Mads I really appreciate you taking the time to lift me up, thank you. I have found comfort here, but it's sad that I never even got a hug from neither of my parents. Maybe they just don't know how to love. That's crazy to me because my heart has a lot of love inside.

 

[Catlover614]

Do not lose hope in the frustrations that bombard you at each and every turn. It is true that the world can be cruel and dark and unloving but that doesn't mean you have to let it define you! Do not let the tide sweep you out to sea, find your strength and swim towards the hope of your own fulfillment. You are old enough to be able to stand in the face of adversity even if your childhood bore no long standing allies. For it is said that the world never gets easier, we must simply get stronger.

Do not look to "cope" with sadness, loneliness and neglect but combat it! Coping mechanisms are tools that can be helpful or harmful depending on how they are used. You must not fall into depression and despair, using your mechanisms to shield you from the hard decisions and pains of being an adult. Instead, find the tools you need to stand and face the world's darkness with the light inside of yourself!

Leave all the details in the past for they are barbs that keep us from letting go. You cannot find your true value when caught up in the pains cast upon you by other people. You mustn't let your heart be defined by the pain keeping you down, we truly shine when we define ourselves by the pain we overcome!

@Church the Artist, That's awesome advice. I am strong enough to overcome the pain of my past, but one of the 10 commandments is Honor Your Mother and Father....how do i honor such hateful parents?

 

[Catlover614]

I suffered emotional and physical abuse from my stepfather when I was a child. I still suffer from the emotional pain of that time in my life (I'm now 65 years old) but I have come to understand something. My stepfather was not an inherently evil person. He was certainly ignorant of the damage he was doing and he was not being mean intentionally. I was a stepson and there was no "family connection" between us. He expected a certain behavior from me and tried hard to make me behave his way. Asperger's did not help as it caused me to behave contrary to his plans. I taught myself to behave a certain way to avoid punishment but I lived in fear of him my entire life. I actually felt a sense of relief when he died (I was almost 50). My point is: learn to cope using whatever works for you. You have the knowledge of Asperger's to understand why you respond to others in a certain way. I never had that understanding and spent my life believing I was the stupid, ignorant, useless dumb ass I had been taught I was. I now know better and I feel better about myself. Don't let your family control your life. Try to find a way out and a way to live your life on your terms without their influence.

Thank you. Actually, I am just now learning about Aspergers. I accepted their hurtful remarks calling me stupid. I'm not stupid. I scored 123 on IQ test. That's not genius level, but still intelligent enough to make something of myself.

 

[Crossbreed]

UniqueChic , there are no accidental conceptions...

"For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How amazing are your thoughts concerning me, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand..." Psalm 139:13-18

 

[Catlover614]

Crossbreed THANK YOU! I love Psalms, but I sure would love to know what a genuine hug feels like. Can God hug?

 

[Crossbreed]

Can God hug?

Yes. Down here, He uses His people, though He can give that sensation supernaturally, too.

 

[ChurchTheArtist]

@Church the Artist, That's awesome advice. I am strong enough to overcome the pain of my past, but one of the 10 commandments is Honor Your Mother and Father....how do i honor such hateful parents?

Well, the word "honor" in the original hebrew is kabad/kabed כָּבַד which is a verb and translates roughly to:
to be heavy, weighty, or burdensome
which doesn't actually sound like what we originally thought it meant. It honestly reads as "Be a burden to your parents so your days may be long..." Scholars have debated this but the general consensus is that the verse means to take your parents on as a burden in their old age, taking care of them as they took care of you.

It doesn't mean you have to rely on them for comfort or validation. The following blessing "so that your days may be long on the land which Jehovah your God has given you." The word for "to be long" is arak אָרַך and it can have another meaning- to endure. So keep in mind that the verse could easily be read in a completely different light saying something like "Be subjective to your parents and endure for a long time as this is what you are called to do." The release of this comes in the form of marriage when two people leave the parents to start their own family.

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Genesis 2:24

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. Ephesians 5:31

"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? Matthew 19:4-5 (Jesus)

When your parents get to the point where they need someone to take care of them, when they become a "burden" by definition, it is the offsprings' place to see to it they are taken care of. This honors their role as parent in the end as the responsibility comes full circle. It doesn't mean you have to treat them equally and fairly as they treated you, that's not how we are called to behave. You treat them how you are supposed to regardless of how you feel they treated you.

So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. Matthew 7:12

Do to others as you would have them do to you. Luke 6:31

Note that Jesus Himself said this in the famous Sermon on the Mount.

But again, that doesn't mean you have to be constantly involved in the little things. And even if they reject your love, if that is true and you do believe in the scriptures, you are not going to be held accountable for everyone else's actions, only your own. Be a loving person, even if you receive none in return.

Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved.
Matthew 24:12-13

Let the one who does wrong continue to do wrong; let the vile person continue to be vile; let the one who does right continue to do right; and let the holy person continue to be holy." Revelation 22:11

You focus on being a loving, caring person and you keep a kindness in your heart that endures all and that is what you will be known to God by in the end. If you are a true light, then you will shine on others, if they do not join in the light, it is not your fault. But you must remain loving and do not fall into despair or anger; you mustn't take your idea of justice out on others for it is not your place.