Traits in yourself that you dont notice

[Misery]

So, what I mean is, either physical or non-physical traits/aspects/tendencies/whatever that you have, but... somehow YOU didnt originally realize. Yet others did, and said so, or perhaps you DID realize it yourself but it took like a zillion years before you noticed. I'm finding that this has occurred for me a few times, and I'm wondering if it has happened for any others here... if maybe it's an autism thing.

A couple of examples of my own:

First, there was one time where a few people I'd been talking to remotely later got to see me in person, right. One of the first comments thrown at me was "oh wow, a redhead!"

And I'm like... what? But... isnt my hair brown? I headed over to a mirror later on, one with lighting that isnt terrible, stared for awhile, and then... "oh gods I freaking see it now". I found this to be more than a bit distressing.

It then happened again, yesterday, during a doctor's appointment. The doctor is the sort of person who is clearly friendly and outgoing, quick to compliment others. While looking me over, checking my eyes, I get: "You have such nice blue-green eyes".

And just... what? Green? There's no green in there, it's just solid blue... here I suddenly remembered the hair thing, and later went to carefully examine (feeling like a doofus the whole time), and... oh yeah. I see it now. It's there, it must have always been there. How was I not aware of this?


Another one is speech patterns. If that's the right word. For instance, when I say "you", it doesnt come out like that: It always comes out as "ya". "You're" or "your" becomes "yer". There's more to it, those are just a couple of word examples. Nobody else in the family sounds like that. I only just realized this one recently (without anyone pointing it out this time).


That's the sort of thing I mean, though this can also extend to personality traits or habits, for instance. Overall, just things about yourself that somehow you didnt notice, yet they are there nonetheless.

Anyone else experience that?

 

[LadyS]

I didn't know I never made eye contact when I spoke until I was an adult. A particularly mean-spirited uncle pointed it out in front of a group of my cousins. I can still remember how everyone shifted uncomfortably afterwards as it dawned on me.

(...But then I think, boy does he need to brush up on his own social skills himself).

 

[Bolletje]

How I laugh depends on who I’m hanging out with. I never noticed this until my mom pointed it out.

 

[Luca]

I don’t realize how annoying my voice is and how excessively I talk and start to overwhelm people, until it’s pointed out, often describing me as “neurotic.” :/

 

[Callistemon]

(...But then I think, boy does he need to brush up on his own social skills himself).

Exactamento!

I kind of think that outlier traits get picked up more by the non-outlier people, than their own traits, including unhelpful and nasty traits. I say that as an immigrant, a person with PTSD, and a person who has traits in common with Aspies.

So basically, I think neurotypicals lack a lot of awareness of themselves too, but because it's same old, same old for the majority around them, and they blend in with that, they think they are more aware of themselves than outliers are (and I think that's like Dunning-Kruger Effect, really).

So neurotypicals might notice certain Aspie things, but Aspies also notice some neurotypical things that the owners of the traits don't. And an immigrant to a culture will notice things about that culture that its inhabitants are quite blind to. It's partly that some things just get backgrounded by brains. For example, you're baking and you can smell the aromas, but become less aware of them as time passes. Then you go in the garden for a couple of minutes to get some herbs, and when you come back in the door the aroma really really hits you.

You don't see yourself from the outside, and that's one reason education courses will film students giving lessons and make them watch it back - quite confronting for a lot of people! Also, we all assume, before we learn better, that the way it is for us is how it is in general.

Re the specific thread question, I can give you an example: As a young person I was unaware I was walking around with my head down a lot, until I saw that on un-posed photographs. Then I knew I had to work on my posture.

 

[Callistemon]

I don’t realize how annoying my voice is and how excessively I talk and start to overwhelm people, until it’s pointed out, often describing me as “neurotic.” :/

Awww. Hugs.

I bet your dogs don't think that.

 

[Aspychata]

People have argued over the color of my eyes. I think they look like the ocean. My grandmother and my father argued if they were green or blue.

I found out things l do during conversations and l focus on being better, spectrum type things.

 

[Jordy]

Apparently i always come across as uninterested, aloof, apathetic etc. Also variation of depressed and nihilistic, It's not something that i can exactly turn of and it's here to stay. I don't want to put any effort into changing my personality either, never has it ever payed of before. There is probably a lot of things i haven't noticed about myself before, maybe more than i have, but i don't think i care. Trying to fit in is wasted effort

 

[Suzette]

Sometimes people will wonder where in Europe I am from. Which is weird because I don't consciously have any accent besides rather generic western 'merican.

But many people always try the big "gotcha". "Wow you are short!"
Yup, that's original. No, you can not pat the top of my head. Thanks for understanding.

 

[Thinx]

I remember noticing my profile in my teens in a set of dressing table mirrors that could be angled to show it, and how big my nose is, also my chin being fairly weak in comparison. It was discouraging. Also, seeing a photo of myself wearing yellow. Oh dear. Not to mention the white and turquoise horizontally striped sweater dress.

I am cautious about what I wear nowadays. Although I have a nice scarf with rainbow colour cats on it.

In terms of traits and how I come over to others, I remember quite a lot of light bulb moments from therapy groups over the years. I tackle things in maybe the opposite way to @phantom, in that I have tended to see feedback from others as useful, and sometimes it has helped me to work on myself. Although I also think it depends who's giving the feedback and assessing their ability to do so, and their motivations.

I guess due to all the therapy I've done plus training as a therapist, I became quite self aware. I've seen a lot of recordings of myself, and watched my hair change from brown to grey streaks to white, not to mention the curly perm, but hey, everyone had them back then.

I think the strangest thing has been tracking down autism, in how I am, which shows itself as a kind of gap or absence in my processing that in the end I theorised and was looking for, because despite all the therapy I was still not 'learning how to do' what seemed basic aspects of unstructured social interaction.

Traumatised people I met in my therapy groups were generally better than me at unstructured social interaction. While I was still trying to learn the secrets of having a social life, handling work socials or downtime at conferences etc into my 50s, until I came across autism.

So in the end I understood that the core social difficulties I still had were the result of neurological differences. It was an interesting journey though, during which I learned a lot about myself and others, and changed and developed.

Also, that I am shortish, with a big head and big feet, kind of a gnome/hobbit cross...

 

[Fino]

When I got my first job, I learned that half of what I say or do unintentionally makes people laugh and that my voice sounds like a cartoon character.

 

[Callistemon]

Apparently i always come across as uninterested, aloof, apathetic etc. Also variation of depressed and nihilistic, It's not something that i can exactly turn of and it's here to stay. I don't want to put any effort into changing my personality either, never has it ever payed of before. There is probably a lot of things i haven't noticed about myself before, maybe more than i have, but i don't think i care. Trying to fit in is wasted effort

I was wondering, how do you come across to others when you are happy?

Just thinking out loud here. Other people can be a bit of a proposition if you're in any way different and they are not kind, accepting people. So that can be very depressing and in itself could result in a person being flat, disengaged, nihilistic etc.

 

[Luca]

I look pretty racially ambiguous. I've mentioned this on here before.
So I often get the "What race are you??" question which I've always found a bit inappropriate.
I didn't realize I looked anything other than Hispanic until people started asking me if I was Caribbean or Cape Verdean. I never get why people need to ask. I think because I live in a pretty racist state and a predominantly white small town, anyone who looks the least bit Black or Brown has to deal with these sorts of questions :/
I wouldn't ask someone what race they are. If they brought it up I would discuss it but I would never just be like "Hey, are you Black?" What the h...

 

[Callistemon]

Depends how and why people ask, doesn't it? Whether they ask to "other" you, or because genuinely interested in different cultures, places etc? I love hearing about cultures different from mine and will usually try to ask in ways that make that clear - because those questions are often not intended well and it gets so you can't ask unless you can wiggle around that somehow.

 

[Luca]

Depends how and why people ask, doesn't it? Whether they ask to "other" you, or because genuinely interested in different cultures, places etc? I love hearing about cultures different from mine and will usually try to ask in ways that make that clear - because those questions are often not intended well and it gets so you can't ask unless you can wiggle around that somehow.

Yes, I agree... I think they are often not intended well, considering where I live.
Boston has been consistently ranked as one of the most racist cities in America (Google "is Boston racist" for a better description.) I live in a... for lack of better words... somewhat redneck suburban/rural town outside of Boston (I really don't mean that offensively. My best friend could easily be described as "redneck" and is the opposite of me but we are obviously friends lol).
My particular neighborhood is a bit more suburban or possibly could be labeled as an "urban" development (condos, apartments, and fair income housing), and a bit more diverse and draws a younger crowd, but I generally get this question from older white people who seem to be a bit suspicious of me, if you know what I mean. Lol

Another thing to factor in is how upset the longtime residents of my town were when plans were originally discussed to build my neighborhood, which is "cheaper" and "would draw in more crime" because it is meant to attract people who are moving out of the city. Hmm...

I think I've said enough on this topic though, I really try to avoid talking about politics on here, I think political discussions on here often don't go as smoothly as planned. I'm not trying to incite debate with anyone.
I am not afraid to talk about racism though.

 

[SusanLR]

I get questioned about where I am from more than anything.
People say I have an accent, but, they don't know what it is.
Some think Sussex, others think Boston region.
Neither is correct and when I tell them I have lived my life divided between
American Southwest, Midwest and Florida they still wonder.

I tell them it is probably such a mix from coast to coast that it's unrecognisable.

 

[Luca]

I get questioned about where I am from more than anything.
People say I have an accent, but, they don't know what it is.
Some think Sussex, others think Boston region.
Neither is correct and when I tell them I have lived my life divided between
American Southwest, Midwest and Florida they still wonder.

I tell them it is probably such a mix from coast to coast that it's unrecognisable.

That's so interesting!!
Surprisingly I don't have a Boston accent at all, and I've lived in Massachusetts for the majority of my life so far.
I've been told that I have an accent, but no one can decide on what kind People have guessed Fall River/New Bedford (MA) which would make the most sense, that's the area I'm originally from, but people have also guessed New York, Midwest, Canadian, even Southern... I don't think I sound like any of those lol.
I had a speech impediment as a child so maybe they're mistaking remnants of that for an accent.

 

[Callistemon]

And I speak with only one functioning vocal cord, and since that happened (nerve died, 13 years ago), people ask if I am German, because I don't modulate as well. Hahaha. So sometimes I speak to my husband in a pretend Irish accent, you know, "Hello, me name's Simon, I can't rrread or wrrrite but I can drrrive a trrractorrr!" which is something a classmate's Irish grandmother taught her, and she taught us, back in the 80s... and then go on with that accent...

 

[Neonatal RRT]

As a person who wasn't diagnosed until I was 52,...and didn't do any research into autism until around this time,...there is quite a list. Even now, as I continue to do research, I am finding more and more potentially autistic traits in myself. When I first went to the psychologist, I wanted to make my case because I thought I had some variant of autism. So beforehand, I typed out a list of things that I perceived as potential autistic traits, thoughts, things that I thought may be unusual, etc. Well,...in retrospect, I could have titled the 172 bullet-pointed list as "You might be autistic if..." After my testing and interview process, it was pretty clear.

The fact that I made a 172 bullet-pointed list,...that alone might have been a subtle hint that the psychologist wasn't dealing with your average person.

 

[Suzette]

As a person who wasn't diagnosed until I was 52,...and didn't do any research into autism until around this time,...there is quite a list. Even now, as I continue to do research, I am finding more and more potentially autistic traits in myself

Oh jeeze! I didn't think of the question that way!
I am somewhat in a similar position since I just self identified this year.

Recently I discovered that I often miss sarcasim. When I figured it out there was a whole paradigm shift in my sense of humor. Suddenly the world is funnier! Haha!