Triggers for Anger???

[sisselcakes]

Next time you're aware of this anger beginning and you're certain it's anger and not frustration,

Ask him !
(closed questions)

"Are you starting to feel frustrated?"
"would you like me to drive?"
"can I do anything to help?"

Listen to his answers. Believe him.
Don't 'peck his head' about how short or sharp he may be answering.
(not in that moment anyway )

let him get a handle on things first.

Quietly calm and willing to assist is helpful.

Pointing out mistakes, bluntness, talking about your own feelings and raising pitch and volume of voice wont be helpful in that moment.

you can let him know you don't appreciate being spoken to like that afterwards.

concerning roads and getting lost -
just a guess,

Operating vehicles on roads have rules applicable to all.

and

if the map or gps/sat nav states a certain road is in a certain place, then it should be.

You just triggered a memory for me. Some time ago a person on here pointed out it may be frustration on his part - not anger. I had totally forgotten that. Maybe I just perceive it as anger! I’m really sensitive and get scared at anger. I’ve decided that I would rather drive to avoid his outbursts. I think he’d be good with the plan

 

[sisselcakes]

My triggers for anger are people using words that mean something that is a big issue in a percentage of people's lives (mental health and pyshical health and others I think but mostly those to). People being mean for no reason upsets me, people being ignorant, people making the world worse, etc

We have had an ongoing struggle over political differences but try not to discuss. One of the issues it raised was his seeming apathy to the mistreatment of immigrants in our country, the USA. I was seeing him as not compassionate, when in reality he is like you- sensitive to people being mean and the little guy getting screwed over.

The difference between us is that I see subgroups that are the most mistreated - for example, minorities; whereas he sees the poor as a mistreated group and doesn’t distinguish based on subgroups.

He’s also very upset about people destroying the environment where that isn’t my pet issue.

Kinda funny because I’m supposed to be the “empathetic” one, yet I have trouble seeing his point of view. I do try, though. That’s why I reach out for insight here.

 

[sisselcakes]

Things that help me when I'm driving in traffic...
Close the windows
Turn off the radio
Talk or sing to my dog

Singing to dog! Cute. Hey, whatever works!

 

[sisselcakes]

One of the areas I've made the LEAST progress in is anger management. Causes me a lot of grief, a lot of consequences. So yeah, getting lost is a huge trigger. Traffic too, but only if time/being late is an issue (it usually is, and i usually am!, but time management is another thread altogether). One of my anger triggers is when people arent doing their jobs properly. I'm terrible when i have to talk to customer service anywhere about anything. But then, if i spent time on it and resolve it, only to find out at a later date it wasnt resolved at all, well I pitty whoever gets to deal with me on the phone. What i think the real underlying cause of my anger is, is zero frustration tolerance. Im pissed off so fast, i dont know what hit me. It just IS.
Now, My husband (also on the spectrum) gets mad at inanimate objects more than at people. If he trips over a shoe, he curses at it, throws it, and might give a loud treatise on why shoes are useless and should be banned.

OMG. You bring up an area that is very sensitive to me- when he calls customer service, at the cable company for example. His fuse is so short dealing with customer service because he either feels like the representative is inept or not taking his concerns seriously. He got fired from several jobs because he used to work IT support and he could not handle dealing with who he thought were stupid people. No patience!

In Regard to his frustration with customer service people, I literally had to coach him, for both my own sensitivity to anger as well as to fairness to the customer service representative.

I had to explain to him that they were the most powerless people in the company. They had no responsibility for the cable service being ******. And that by him being rude to them It could totally ruin the rest of their day.

 

[sisselcakes]

When something doesn't go right for me or I make a mistake.

Same same same for my BF. He is so hard on himself and so intolerant of making mistakes, and I think he frustrates easily with himself. Since he isn’t very open or able to explain himself, it has taken me a long time to figure that out

 

[sisselcakes]

I'm guessing stimuli input are crazy and anxiety rises, he's got to be on edge from all that stuff!

My bf cannot handle driving even though he has done it before, he has quit it. He's great at teaching it.

Also when ppl dont respect rules it might irritate him more. Is there a way for you to drive?

Yes, me driving is best option I think. Also, I think my bf gets annoyed with people breaking rules bc he expects them to be followed.

 

[sisselcakes]

I get upset with unwanted male attention, l would never be involved with someone from a job. l don't mind driving, but l am disappointed that l seem to drive to work with people who seem to drive in packs, and drive very slow. lol

Lol!!!

I think we all have varying levels of patience with idiot drivers. Usually I’m in my own world and they don’t bother me, but I notice my dtr (NT) angers much easier than I in traffic.

Yours and everyone’s responses are helpful. Appreciate it!

 

[sisselcakes]

Absolutely true, the hunger aspect might be adding to the loss of temper as often it's related to blood sugar levels and exacerbates feelings of frustration and fatigue.

Both I and my husband tend towards being anxious when driving, and tempers do occasionally flare. Any arguments we have, are usually in the car. It is for both of us a high stress environment.

The becoming lost, is a frustration, that adds to it all. Making us think we have made a mistake, something that is somehow connected to our self esteem levels. As if we are supposed to be superhuman, and not make errors.

That's likely why we plan out everything in our world, so that nothing untoward happens. But when it does, we become angry for not planning for or imagining a scenario that could take place. Human frailty and venerability are to be subsumed (for some) as they make people look weak, better to be angry or frustrated and not show anything else.

Getting lost as a mistake and blaming oneself could def be part of it. He’s really hard on himself. Also, getting lost makes someone feel disoriented and out of control. I think that’s a very uncomfortable feeling for anyone

 

[sisselcakes]

Another trigger is people bossing me about... I really hate that, I don't deal well with authority figures. Or people trying to take over what I'm doing, that's not helping, it's dominating/interfering.

My bf has major issue with authority. I think he sees the illogical idea of one human being having power over another. But I’m gonna ask him about this.

We were going through airport security and he was identified as someone who needed a pat down. I didn’t witness exactly what happened but apparently he said a rude word while the agent was trying to pat him down.

I noticed conflict going on so I approached them and the agent had called over his supervisor accusing my boyfriend Of saying “[deleted] off”. The supervisor tried to abuse his authority by threatening to call the airport police for someone simply using their First Amendment right to speak whatever words they want to.

So as the calmest person in this discussion I got pissed off about him trying to abuse his power and I said “go ahead and call the police because using his first amendment rights is not against the law”.

Of course I called his bluff and the supervisor did not contact the police and I coached my boyfriend through getting the pat down. The look on his face scared me because I thought he might get physical or really lose it. As someone who is sensitive to anger and aggression, as well as being embarrassed by breaking social norms, this situation stressed me out incredibly.

 

[sisselcakes]

Absolutely true, the hunger aspect might be adding to the loss of temper as often it's related to blood sugar levels and exacerbates feelings of frustration and fatigue.

Both I and my husband tend towards being anxious when driving, and tempers do occasionally flare. Any arguments we have, are usually in the car. It is for both of us a high stress environment.

The becoming lost, is a frustration, that adds to it all. Making us think we have made a mistake, something that is somehow connected to our self esteem levels. As if we are supposed to be superhuman, and not make errors.

That's likely why we plan out everything in our world, so that nothing untoward happens. But when it does, we become angry for not planning for or imagining a scenario that could take place. Human frailty and venerability are to be subsumed (for some) as they make people look weak, better to be angry or frustrated and not show anything else.

I have gotten responses from you multiple times in the past and i usually find your insights to be wise and you seem like you have gotten to know yourself over the years so have some very practical feedback for people like me.

So I’m curious what you think about this. Do you think when an NT can help her ASD partner with something that it’s considered and enabling? For example, since I recognize that hunger might be a trigger for him, do you think I am enabling him by making sure to carry snacks? Is that Infantilising him? Should he take responsibility himself?

I feel like doing those kinds of actions actually is a way to help myself so that I am less likely to face anxiety related to his frustration and or anger

 

[sisselcakes]

Personal insults and being accused of things I didn't do.
Verbal attacks will anger me quicker than anything.

I don't get angry at traffic or what others do when driving.
I obey the laws and what others do, even if it seems silly, doesn't create feelings of anger. I just ignore it.

The personal attacks thing that you mention makes me feel really badly for a few incidents we’ve had in the past.

On multiple occasions I would get angry for him about something and he doesn’t respond back. He doesn’t feed into my attempts to get to him into an argument. So if I had been drinking, I was more impassioned and impulsive and I would escalate till I was screaming at him then he would finally leave it on me and tell me to “shut the blank up”. Can’t blame him.

 

[sisselcakes]

The personal attacks thing that you mention makes me feel really badly for a few incidents we’ve had in the past.

On multiple occasions I would get angry for him about something and he doesn’t respond back. He doesn’t feed into my attempts to get to him into an argument. So if I had been drinking, I was more impassioned and impulsive and I would escalate till I was screaming at him then he would finally leave it on me and tell me to “shut the blank up”. Can’t blame him.

But please believe those days have passed. Don’t act like that anymore

 

[sisselcakes]

A lot of my triggers are things that 99% of the human population also finds triggering, things like traffic irritation or frustration, things dropping and breaking, being verbally abused or falsely accused, etc.
My biggest one is last minute changes in plan or routine, or people making light and bantering a situation or topic that I'm being serious about.

Your triggers are mine too. Lol. All of this is good food for thought. And good material to start a convo with him on

 

[sisselcakes]

One of the areas I've made the LEAST progress in is anger management. Causes me a lot of grief, a lot of consequences. So yeah, getting lost is a huge trigger. Traffic too, but only if time/being late is an issue (it usually is, and i usually am!, but time management is another thread altogether). One of my anger triggers is when people arent doing their jobs properly. I'm terrible when i have to talk to customer service anywhere about anything. But then, if i spent time on it and resolve it, only to find out at a later date it wasnt resolved at all, well I pitty whoever gets to deal with me on the phone. What i think the real underlying cause of my anger is, is zero frustration tolerance. Im pissed off so fast, i dont know what hit me. It just IS.
Now, My husband (also on the spectrum) gets mad at inanimate objects more than at people. If he trips over a shoe, he curses at it, throws it, and might give a loud treatise on why shoes are useless and should be banned.

Not sure if I responded to this yet or not but I shared your response with my boyfriend and he says that your description absolutely pegs his experience

 

[Mia]

For example, since I recognize that hunger might be a trigger for him, do you think I am enabling him by making sure to carry snacks? Is that Infantilising him? Should he take responsibility himself?

I feel like doing those kinds of actions actually is a way to help myself so that I am less likely to face anxiety related to his frustration and or anger

Do the same thing for my husband, and I'm autistic. Caring for someone who does not often realize or understand their own triggers can be helpful, for both them and ourselves. It makes for less difficulties. And in my case, I notice the behavior or physical signs before he actually does. He's often unaware of his body signals and his behavioral responses. He for example does not notice his clothing, missing buttons or with stains. Rather than point it out, I simply fix the problem. Maybe being female, has something to do with it all, or the fact that I notice appearance more than he.

As far as infantilizing him, perhaps it does. You take more responsibility for things going smoothly and well, rather than the opposite mess it can become in a very short time. The point might be to teach the triggers and resultant behaviour to the other person, so that they take responsibility for their own well-being. I'm reminded of big bang theory, where Amy provides cheerios for Sheldon while traveling in the car Likely not as unusual as it seems to some.

 

[Running Girl]

Not sure if I responded to this yet or not but I shared your response with my boyfriend and he says that your description absolutely pegs his experience

My condolences! Its not easy to be this way

 

[Progster]

Some time ago a person on here pointed out it may be frustration on his part - not anger.

For me, frustration is the biggest cause for anger. Frustration that turns to anger. Best to avoid situations that are known or highly likely to frustrate.

Kinda funny because I’m supposed to be the “empathetic” one,

That autistic people lack empathy is a myth. Not true.

We were going through airport security and he was identified as someone who needed a pat down.

I had a minor incident at the airport myself a few days back. When going through security, it helps to know what to expect and have everything ready - no metal on clothing or in pockets, belt removed, laptop or tablet out and ready, etc.

 

[sisselcakes]

For me, frustration is the biggest cause for anger. Frustration that turns to anger. Best to avoid situations that are known or highly likely to frustrate.

That autistic people lack empathy is a myth. Not true.

I had a minor incident at the airport myself a few days back. When going through security, it helps to know what to expect and have everything ready - no metal on clothing or in pockets, belt removed, laptop or tablet out and ready, etc.

Thanks for your response. I know people on spectrum don’t lack empathy. In fact, sometimes I think they feel it more, hence my quotes.

Avoiding situations and being prepared seems to be the best solution I would think.

 

[unreality]

If someone invades my space & makes me feel uncomfortable then I can become cold & a bit rude. If they keep doing it then I can get upset.

 

[sisselcakes]

If someone invades my space & makes me feel uncomfortable then I can become cold & a bit rude. If they keep doing it then I can get upset.

Makes sense