Thrills and adrenaline are what make me feel alive. I have other hobbies but they don't often have me feel alive like when I hurt people so they don't feel as furfilling and I felt feel that I'm just "killing time".
This might sound odd, but when I think of this line, compare it with everything you've said before, and extrapolate a bit.... you sound a bit like me. I wonder if the same solution I use might work.
I need a challenge... a real CHALLENGE to overcome... in order to get satisfaction from pretty much anything. If there is no challenge, no difficulty, no strong opponent to defeat, then I always wonder... where's the fun?
The suggestion made about competitive gaming might be what you need. You want to feel strong, while doing non-physical things? Get into some aspect of competitive gaming, and get so good at it that you simply stop losing. Climb that ladder until you hit that point. The excitement and satisfaction of getting ever stronger, and that feeling of being unstoppable... that's one way to do it, in a world where computers and related things are more and more part of our daily lives. I tell ya, there really isnt anything else like it.
Dont get me wrong: it's not easy. It'll be hard. Very hard. But holy heck is it *fun*. And unlike trolling, you wont have opponents who merely look down on you even if you "win", or who just walk away from you rather than engage with you simply because they find what you're doing to be an irritating waste of time. Rather, they are there for the same reason: to get in a good clean fight, so to speak. Dont get me wrong, there ARE certainly toxic snotbags out there, but most of the time, you'll have *real* opponents. People who want to be part of that battle.
You can even experience the act of impressing the heck out of everyone. Making people go "WOW. You see what that guy is doing? That's amazing!" I tell ya, there's nothing like having a bloody crowd formed behind you at some public event, purely because of some incredible display of skill you're showing.
Heck, it doesnt even need to be competitive stuff, if you'd rather not deal with people. Just games that are really freaking hard. You can still get the challenge and satisfaction and a crowd can still form even with that.
What I'm saying is: You sound *exactly* like so many people I've met in that hobby who are there because they *need* a challenge, because they need that uphill power struggle, due to it being what they thrive on.
There is one caveat though, if you were to decide to get into this: You *cannot* let anger overwhelm you at any point. That is the rule that must not be broken. If you allow it to happen, your chances of achieving those high levels will drop to zero. You *will* lose. It is by far the fastest path towards your own defeat. Pros dont allow that to happen, period. Those who do.... soon arent pros anymore.
One thing is for certain, it's way, WAY more exciting than just going "lol u suck" online towards random people for nothing resembling a reason.
