Trouble navigating new roommate situation, would like advice.

[Forest Cat]

It does not matter how big your are if the other person has a gun. Can language be a gun, yes it can.

I learned something useful when I was a kid, it went like this: "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me". So I would say no, language can not be a gun in any way. People have to be able to deal with words. If they can't, how will they survive when they run into a real problem?

 

[Forest Cat]

Good point. The OP did also say that there have been numerous incidents in which his roommates have made suggestive comments to him. He’s uncomfortable with it, and I would be, too. We should all feel safe and comfortable in our homes, and we should never tolerate sexual harassment from anyone. If I were him, I would move out.

Can't he just tell them to stop if it bothers him? Moving out seems like an overreaction to a small problem. And I will bet 1 dollar that they are not sexually harassing him. They are joking with him and he is overthinking it. Is it really a distaster to be told he has a nice ass? I think it's great if someone tells me that, much better than "you have the worst ass I have seen".

 

[Kalinychta]

People have to be able to deal with words. If they can't, how will they survive when they run into a real problem?

There’s a difference between dealing with words and having to endure roommates who repeatedly make unwanted sexually-suggestive comments about you and your body. If the “cute ass” comment were an isolated incident, I would say you have a point. But repeated suggestive remarks takes the situation to a whole new level: sexual harassment.

 

[Forest Cat]

There’s a difference between dealing with words and having to endure roommates who repeatedly make unwanted sexually-suggestive comments about you and your body. If the “cute ass” comment were an isolated incident, I would say you have a point. But repeated suggestive remarks takes the situation to a whole new level: sexual harassment.

I'm old fashion I guess. Ass-comments is just not on my list of things that worry me. People can comment my ass all they want, no problem. I'll just laugh and say thanks. Someone said "nice ass" to him and cracked some jokes and people are advising him to move out, run away. So I don't know,.

 

[Kalinychta]

Can't he just tell them to stop if it bothers him?

Conversations like that are extremely uncomfortable and often lead to resentment. “Tell them to stop” is easier said than done in situations like his, especially if his roommates are the owners of the house.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I live in Canada we have laws on limits of free speech, what they said was you cannot yell fire in a packed theatre.
A lot of people much brighter then me had a lot philosophical discussions on this before the laws on this were passed their could even be a paradox involved or maybe at least a good knowledge of philosophy may be need to defend this position.

I have no interest in continuing this debate. Not my interest.

 

[Forest Cat]

Conversations like that are extremely uncomfortable and often lead to resentment. “Tell them to stop” is easier said than done in situations like his, especially if his roommates are the owners of the house.

Yes but if it bothers him he can simply tell them to stop or he can move out. I suggest telling them to stop. We all have to do uncomfortable things sometimes, that can't be avoided. And I was just thinking that he is a 25 year old man and he weighs 250 pounds. I'm pretty sure people will listen if he tells them to stop. I was 25 at one point and no one could do anything to me, it's not like he is in any danger or anything, no one is going to hold him down and grab his butt or anything like that. So it could be that people are turning a detail into a mountain of a problem. If he doesn't like it he has two choices, tell them to stop or move out. That's the bottom line I think. Or he can laugh about it and crack some jokes back at them, like I would do.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

I'm old fashion I guess. Ass-comments is just not on my list of things that worry me. People can comment my ass all they want, no problem. I'll just laugh and say thanks. Someone said "nice ass" to him and cracked some jokes and people are advising him to move out, run away. So I don't know,.

Do you realize that we are not talking about you? Non are we talking about what is a problem for you. You are a different person from the OP.

What its ok for you may be a problem for him. What is ok for him may be a problem for you.

When you was getting crazy about internet use, and porn use, you wanted some respect from us. Even when we did not share your point of view. And you got offended by words.

Cant you behave in that civil, ordered way with this person and just respect that this topic is a problem for him?

Who was the one who said dont judge others so you wont be judged? Who said behave with others like you would like others to behave with you?

Its incredible that you can read the bible so many times and still manages to not respect others. Incredible.

 

[Au Naturel]

If what is happening is a problem for the OP, How does it help to deny the problem? How does it help to say "for me there is no problem"? How does it help to say "just chill"?

It does not help.

You may have not problems with that topic but maybe you have problems with other things. If you ever open a thread asking for help with a topic that is sentitive for you, how would you like people to behave in the thread?

The poster needs to make it clear if something makes him uncomfortable and then spell out his response if it continues. Or he can put up with it or he can just leave. Those are his choices.

He is not a victim. Not every annoying thing that happens makes one into a victim. If you're moving into someone else's space you try to adapt because they were there first. Maybe you can't. Sometimes people just don't fit together well and you leave, no hard feelings. Pointing fingers and finding fault in such a situation is futile. It is what it is.

There ain't no good guys. There ain't no bad guys. There's just you and me and we just disagree.

I laugh things off that might make another person angry. Who is happier, the one who can laugh at the weirdness of the world, or the one who is upset by it? "Here's what I'd do" is always valid advice.

If the OP is having a hard time stating his position, gently and not in an accusatory or hostile manner, then he has a problem with his lack of assertiveness. The lack of assertiveness is, in turn, preventing him from resolving his roomie problem. He has no control over - or even awareness of - what is going on in another person's head just as they don't have a clue what's in his head. Communication is obviously called for if he doesn't want to simply leave.

His roomies may also have a problem in that they are looking for something they aren't going to get and haven't figured that out yet. Everybody has problems and shortcomings and sometimes makes bad choices. It doesn't necessarily make anyone a victim or a villain.

 

[Kalinychta]

Yes but if it bothers him he can simply tell them to stop or he can move out. I suggest telling them to stop. We all have to do uncomfortable things sometimes, that can't be avoided. And I was just thinking that he is a 25 year old man and he weighs 250 pounds. I'm pretty sure people will listen if he tells them to stop. I was 25 at one point and no one could do anything to me, it's not like he is in any danger or anything, no one is going to hold him down and grab his butt or anything like that. So it could be that people are turning a detail into a mountain of a problem. If he doesn't like it he has two choices, tell them to stop or move out. That's the bottom line I think. Or he can laugh about it and crack some jokes back at them, like I would do.

Telling your roommates to stop sexually harassing you isn’t like telling them to turn their music down or do the dishes more often. I’m not suggesting that the OP avoid uncomfortable situations in life. I’m simply thinking of the aftermath of such a conversation. It will embarrass his roommates and likely cause them to become resentful, and relations between him and them will probably be very awkward from then on. Which is why I said I would just move out.

I’m really surprised that you think anyone should “laugh about it and crack some jokes back at them.” You seem to be fixating on the “cute ass” comment only—the OP clearly said that they have made several other sexually-suggestive comments to him. Presumably he has ignored them or responded with discomfort and confusion, but they have kept doing it despite that he has never responded favorably. That’s sexual harassment. I don’t care if he’s a man or a woman or how much he weighs—no one should laugh off sexual harassment, nor should they be talked down to or told to “man up” when they are being subjected to repeated lewd comments.

And you never know when someone will graduate from harassment to assault. Ever heard of Rohypnol?—it works on large men as well as the small ones.

 

[Kalinychta]

One more thing. My sister used to be an ER nurse (she’s working in ICU now), and I told her about this thread. She told me a story about a young man who came into the ER once who had been drugged and brutally raped by his male roommates while he was unconscious. It happens. The OP should take his situation very seriously and so should we. Doesn’t matter that he’s a man, doesn’t matter how much he weighs.