Trouble

[Apple28]

Wow this really shocked me. The part of being made to feel dependant on him really niggles me. Toh make someone believe they could not cope with life without you is just so so manipulative. Like someone said people who do that actually need you more than you need them. They couldn't cope without you!

I wonder if your partner is genuinely happy with his life. I can't imagine a scenario where someone who is happy would call other people names, put them in front of a mirror ( I'm so appalled by this!) , tell them it's for their own good???! I would send that person for therapy! They have their own issues they are dealing with by abusing you. Once they get better then maybe they can get back into a relationship otherwise they are toxic. I wouldn't trust them to live with someone before that work.

I hope you've found love, support and strength from this forum to look at yourself differently to what your partner has been telling you, to look differently at what you deserve out of a relationship. Hugs.

 

[Grandmother B]

So... I've been living with my SO for about 10 years now. We are in a bit of a difficult situation and have quite some stories to tell. But my main issue now is this: he tries hard to teach me about people and social skills, which I have very few, and he sees no change in me. He says I am intelligent but at the same time retarded and people take advantage over me. Other than that, he says I can't survive on my own. He also states I can't be or rather I'm not happy with him because he is always pointing out my flaws which makes me distressed and anxious, but he is honest about that because he sees no other way to teach me. When we start a conversation it's like he has a red pencil ready to correct what I say and how I think. This makes me sad. Sometimes he takes me to the mirror to see my face and point out how miserable I look. I don't know how to deal with this. Could use some advice.
Thank you for taking the time to read this...

It is clear to me that this man is toxic to you and he is a control freak. I don't know how to help you. I hope you will seek counseling sooner rather than later! You can probably find some help on www.aspergerexperts.com. I'll be praying for you!

 

[LillBeanSprout]

the_tortoise: thank you for your words.
Words are really a strange thing. If something is beautiful, it's beautiful. If something is ugly, it's ugly. What does retard mean? Underdeveloped? Slower than the average. Perhaps the meaning is right. But the whole atitude is wrong. That's the opposite of right. It only constraints and embarrasses and blocks. It makes everything worse. It makes everything grey. It mutes all the other words.

 

[LillBeanSprout]

Larissa: I seldom feel anger. I seldom feel humiliation. I know sadness. I know hapiness. I know frustration.
When I'm ok, I act like a kid, the way I demonstrate afection is childish I admit. I don't manipulate people like adults do. That confuses people I guess because people always say things with a double meaning and do things with a hidden agenda. I don't see the evil in people, which makes it hard to anticipate people's actions when they're not good. I can't understand people when they almost never mean what they say and rarely do anything selfless. Its a game I don't like and am not willing to play.

 

[LillBeanSprout]

Jusdifferent Good point! Thanks for the laugh, I needed that
The thing is, since we got hooked, there we're so many things, good things. This guy is a shark. It's true, relationships don't necessarily last for life and sometimes there is a better someone out there. We have been talking about this. It's complicated.

Somebody once told me a story about a mason that built lots of awesome buildings. The man was a legend. Then one day he dropped a stone, accidentally, and killed a person. After that, people only remembered him as the guy who killed someone. What about everything good he did until that day?...

In my naivety, I sometimes told him horrible truths about his life and some about himself (the kind no one likes to hear). Observations that seemed logical to me but I didn't measure the extent my words (I do that sometimes, most NTs don't like that, it's like pointing to elephant in the room). Not like I called him names, but by looking at things and events from a diferent angle, he judged himself harshly for not having understood those things and events himself. I thought to myself: "ok, if we see things differently that would explain why we match and complement each other ". I've been working on it, reminding him this was always a plus for us, as a couple, and also one of the reasons we ended up together. We see things differently. I don't see things as he does. We are different. We don't have to go the same route to reach the same end. And there are things he can't see or understand that are obvious to me. And things I can do which he can't.

It's complicated. And after this last talk, I think I was right. He fears something and his atitude is explosive towards me because he wants me to be able to be a "wiser" woman or something, in case he's gone. And by gone, I don't mean walk out the door, so I figure there's something he's not telling me. But he has to change the way he's dealing with me, I can't take it. Its too much DPS coming from him, I'm no tank and I'm running out of healing potions

 

[LillBeanSprout]

Apple 28: yes, this has been a breath of fresh air. I tend to think I overreact sometimes and other times I'm not sure I should be reacting or not. To make me this sad, I reckon it had to be extreme. This has been smoothing for me. *hugs back*

 

[LillBeanSprout]

Grandmother B: he knows he's a control freak. So do I. That was never a problem until he started trying to rewire my brain using brute force. Not like he hadn't tried that using other means less hurtfull. I can deal with him trying to help. I can deal with a tomato or a wrotten egg (figuratively) every now and them (if I even notice them coming). I just cant deal with frogs and locusts and fiery hail, you know?...

 

[Grandmother B]

Grandmother B: he knows he's a control freak. So do I. That was never a problem until he started trying to rewire my brain using brute force. Not like he hadn't tried that using other means less hurtfull. I can deal with him trying to help. I can deal with a tomato or a wrotten egg (figuratively) every now and them (if I even notice them coming). I just cant deal with frogs and locusts and fiery hail, you know?...

I pray that you can see yourself as someone who deserves better and walk away. I wish you all the best! No one should put up with that.

 

[LillBeanSprout]

I pray that you can see yourself as someone who deserves better and walk away. I wish you all the best! No one should put up with that.

I'm kind of a control freak myself. I go nuts when I have a project, about the details and basically everyhing about it. That is my interpretation of being a control freak. He too is a perfectionist about many things in lihe. He plans, he works out strategies. Just never tried to "perfect" me this way, so far

 

[Katherine Rawstron]

Oh dear, I've got deja vu! As for the face, I've had a few unpleasant surprises when posing for photos, thinking I was smiling, only to see the result and find I wasn't! Don't get me started on the number of times people have told me to smile, and made worse comments than that just because I happen to be looking neutral. I've come to the conclusion that my brain smiles, but my face doesn't always get the memo, and I have to make a conscious effort to make sure my face is giving the correct message.
I also know what it's like to not be able to do anything right! My teens were a misery, especially during one particularly bad patch when my parents just bombarded me with interminable lists of my faults, they had nothing good to say to me, only where I needed to improve, but with no advice as to where to start! In their defence, nobody knew about my condition (this was in the 1970's, when autism was seen as far more extreme), and there was a lot going on at the time, putting them, as well as me, under enormous pressure.
You can't just change overnight; nobody can. Tell your partner this, and agree on just one or two things to work on for now. Bear in mind though, that if you do manage to do something about one thing, another difficulty might take its place or get worse, so it is a balancing act.

 

[LillBeanSprout]

As for the face, I've had a few unpleasant surprises when posing for photos, thinking I was smiling, only to see the result and find I wasn't! Don't get me started on the number of times people have told me to smile, and made worse comments than that just because I happen to be looking neutral. I've come to the conclusion that my brain smiles, but my face doesn't always get the memo, and I have to make a conscious effort to make sure my face is giving the correct message.

I was in a mini-course once, to earn a professional qualification, and the person that was lecturing said that she was able to follow everybody's progress in the room, except for me, because I had a "poker face" and she couldn't read it Not like she was the first to ever say that... I must admit I sometimes find it funny, because if you take that from other people they just don't know how to react (like "omg the script is over, what do I do???? " - error 404 + blue screen)

my parents just bombarded me with interminable lists of my faults, they had nothing good to say to me, only where I needed to improve, but with no advice as to where to start!

I can TOTALLY relate! It's like the story about the mason (see previous post), and the only thing that comes to my mind is "so... what about all those nice buildings?..."

In their defence, nobody knew about my condition

Mine, they assume I'm the dumb child, I think. They can't (or won't) picture anything else. It's useless.

You can't just change overnight; nobody can. Tell your partner this, and agree on just one or two things to work on for now. Bear in mind though, that if you do manage to do something about one thing, another difficulty might take its place or get worse, so it is a balancing act.

We actually we're able to talk about it the other night (yey!). My perception: I have improved in a lot of ways. His perception: I still have a lot of things to improve (who doesn't???? )
Consensus: I'm slower than many but burning my chip only makes things worse, so don't go that way. He asked me if I hated him for that but I can't seem to hate people when I understand the reasons why they act like they act. Sometimes I wish I could just be angry, it's something they understand, even respect. Perhaps this is my 404.

 

[Sid Delicious]

I'm going to be brutally honest here... I don't know either of you, but from what you've described your partner sounds like an emotionally abusive control freak. That is not the sort of behaviour that takes place in a healthy relationship. I would question why he believes, after ten years that you should change? You don't date people with the intention of changing them. Certainly not if you love them. You date them because you are already attracted to who they are. Otherwise, you find someone else to date who is compatible. Demanding someone change to suit what you think they should be is completely unfair. Constantly belittling or insulting someone that he apparently cares about says far more about him than it does you. Your partner shouldn't be a 'project' to change about at your convenience.