True Love?

[Sparticus]

Does true love exist? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Who loves us the most might be the best partner but might not be ____. So we go looking for someone more _____. The new person is exciting but often fails us in a major way. We might learn the person who loved us the most was a good partner. But by that time we have crushed them. Then we either get back together. Or put our boat in the ocean and go fishing...perhaps regretting what we have done...but unable to change it.

Many close*** to us will say "dump them." But no one can tell what's in your heart. In the past acquaintainces of mine told me to let go of my female friend. A relationship is a private matter-it should be up to us to define it; not imo others. An alternate route is to maintain a friendship & if they are in pain over changes in the relationship, talk to them. Keep a friendship going instead of cutting all communication. You don't have to put it into words; just maintain some communication.

With no decision set in concrete, you go from there...or use any variation that you feel comfortable. Sometimes the other side is greener but has more mud. We will never find the perfect partner. They sizzle in some ways & fizzle in others.

Good luck!!!!

***people can be jealous when giving advice or have other emotions that have nothing to do with your situation or mine

 

[Butterfly_Lady]

thank you Sparticus and thank you everyone. I really don't know what I would do without my wonderful aspie family :love:

 

[Sparticus]

My pleasure Butterfly_Lady. I wish the best for everyone.

 

[Ste11aeres]

@ Stellaeres: A very interesting post! I doubt anyone was offended by anything you said earlier: I didn't see anything wrong with it. As for Atheists having lower marriage rates, I wonder if that is universally true, a local phenomenon or what. Here in Catholic Qu?bec, marriage rates amongst Catholics are at an all-time low with most French Canadians choosing to live together 'common law'. In Canada, common law couples have the same rights as married ones do. Many here on QC, where the economy is also sagging, see a wedding as an unnecessary expense. Many also see marriage as an antiquated institution that is a relic from the past. The power the church had here in QC cannot be understated. The younger generation knows what their parents & grandparents lived through & do not want anything to do with religious oppression & control. Another French phenomenon is that, by law, married women retain their maiden names (since 1971). Most people have hyphenated names & in some couples, one child has the mother's last name, another a hyphenated combo & the third has the father's last name!

I can see how in the USA, things are so different to the way they are here. It is always interesting for me to hear from others living in different social/cultural contexts about what life is like where they reside.

It is fascinating how the same issues are experienced in vastly different ways in different countries, or different parts of the same country. The role of the Church may have been quite different in the areas I am from than how you described it in QC. One thing that was discussed in the Catholic circles I grew up in, was the negative effects of historical French Jansenism. The idea being that the (18 century?) Jansenists in France left a negative mark on the French Catholic religious atmosphere. "Jansenism", in the circles I grew up in, connoted and atmosphere of neurotic level scrupulosity, of religious fervor motivated by fear rather than by love of God. If this is historically accurate, it may be that French-influenced places have had a more oppressive type pf religious environment.
Many Catholics in the US no longer practice their faith, but that often has more to do with a lazy drifting than anything else.

Planning a wedding...
I wonder if its a sign of Aspieness that, even though I've watched Say Yes to the Dress, any wedding fantasies I've had were about how to get the thing done with A. As little as possible money spent, B. As few as possible people present. rolleyes2: Would my parents be happy not being there?)

Butterfly Lady, I'm getting seriously curious about the Ass you kicked
Sparticus, nice things said up there. "Sometimes the other side is greener but has more mud." :giggle2:

 

[Soup]

@Sparticus: True about how some people giving advice do not always have the other person's best interests at heart. I've seen that before too! Girls often turn to their girlfriends for advice. This can be fine with the right kinds of friends. Often it turns out that the so-called friend was jealous of something: the friend needing advice is prettier, thinner, richer, is married while the friend is still single, has a crush on her friend's boyfriend...humans can be dodgy that way. It happens to men too!

I remember an episode of 'Till Death Do Us Part' on the Discovery ID channel. You see some really weird $#!t on that show! The case on point was that of a young couple who were very religious. A typical nice white American small town couple. Their church got a new young, charismatic (single) pastor who became best friends with the woman's husband. The guy confided in his best friend the pastor that he was having marital problems. The pastor appeared supportive, prayed with him often & gave him lots of advice.

Long story short, the pastor had been screwing the guy's wife for 10 YEARS & they plotted to kill the guy & run off together & live of of a hefty insurance settlement. Unbeknownst to either idiot, the husband had become suspicious of his wife since she had badgered him, a young man in perfect health, to take out a hefty insurance policy naming her as sole beneficiary. He changed his will & removed her from his insurance policy! The wife set up a scenario where the pastor came over while she was away (an alibi). This wasn't unusual since the guys often hung out there together.

Pastor A$$#0LE had stolen the guy's gun earlier setting up a robbery scenario. He shot the poor 'friend' dead. Later, he appeared every bit the shocked pastor, consoling the congregation & the widow & conducting the funeral. The police, however, were onto him. He suddenly vanished, not showing up for Sunday services, shocking his congregants. He'd fled to a motel where the widow was to meet him. The police, however, were watching. When she showed up & the 2 tried to abscond, they were arrested. The community in the small Southern town was beyond enraged at both of them. What a couple of losers!

True too that friends & family may mean well but be trying to control a person by telling them what to do. In cases where abuse, violence or other truly distressing (Illegal) behaviours are present, the friends/family are correct to try to shake the person out of his/her denial for their own safety. Barring such extreme situations, the person must decide what the best decisions are for themselves to take. A friend or relative might only heat about the guy when there are problems & complaints. Nobody calls a friend to report how happy they are & how nice the guy is being! They call when they're frustrated, mad or needing advice or want to kvetch!

Your post has a lot of good advice in it.

 

[Butterfly_Lady]

Planning a wedding...
I wonder if its a sign of Aspieness that, even though I've watched Say Yes to the Dress, any wedding fantasies I've had were about how to get the thing done with A. As little as possible money spent, B. As few as possible people present. rolleyes2: Would my parents be happy not being there?)

Butterfly Lady, I'm getting seriously curious about the Ass you kicked

I actually feel the same way about what I want my wedding to be but I would definitely have to have my mom present! I want as few people as possible and I want as little money spent as possible. I would love to do an outdoor wedding, I really don't want to be trapped in a church or some other building with all the people that would be present!

 

[Soup]

@ Ste11ares, your Aspie wedding is exactly what my husband & I did! It was super minimalist. Better to put all the cash people waste on huge shin-digs into a house or something else useful. then too, you are not stuck overly dolled up at a loud event with 250 possibly tipsy people: relatives whose names you cannot recall for the life of you, HIS relatives who are complete strangers (ALL of them want you to GULP dance & they all want to BLECCH hug you...) You also do not have to do all that ritual dumb stuff like having him take your fake garter off with his teeth (classy stuff!) & throw it to the drunken groomsmen, stuff cake into each others mouths & pretend to miss & smear it all over each other's face... you don't have to get up & kiss every time said tipsy guests make an obnoxious racket by banging flatware against crystal goblets...

As for out Butterfly lady, I won't repeat the story but she did us proud! The @$$ she kicked will forever bear the imprint of our lady's boot! I think the @$$-kickee is still in orbit!

 

[Ste11aeres]

Please watch the documentary I linked & you'll see some of what was behind my post. Hope it clears things up!

While I do know what you're referring to, I'm not sure how universal or widespread it actually is. Of course, any place has not one but many sub cultures, so what one says of one sub culture may not apply to the other.

Something interesting though... (my evidence is purely anecdotal)in some communities where there is an excessive fear-of-sex based emphasis on virginity, there actually tend to be a lot of teenage pregnancies and stuff. Many people might automatically ascribe that to less birth-control, and there could be truth to that, but I think there is something deeper there...as in the community I grew up, it was assumed that sex was for marriage, but the idea was not excessively talked about or obsessed upon, and, based on my friends, the teenagers were mostly celibate. However, they were simply enjoying life in innocent ways, not obsessing over sex (excessive fear is an obsession.)

 

[Butterfly_Lady]

As for out Butterfly lady, I won't repeat the story but she did us proud! The @$$ she kicked will forever bear the imprint of our lady's boot! I think the @$$-kickee is still in orbit!

unfortunately, he has come onto me again twice in the last two weeks. May 15th, I wrote a letter to him forgiving him for what happened and apologizing for the hateful words I said to him last. The only way that could happen is through Jesus, I probably would not have been able to do that otherwise. I talked to him for the first time after on May 28. I may have to kick some more @$$ if he didn't get the message the last time I denied him so it could get ugly again.

 

[Moviefan2k4]

I do believe in true love, though I also think its more than just emotion. Ultimately, love of any kind is expressed primarily through selfless choices. It's not easy to do, though, when you love someone so badly that your own life feels empty without them.

I have loved a particular woman for the last 12 years; in all that time, we've spent barely over a year together in total (very long and sad story). I still think of her every day, and can't bear to move on because my heart doesn't want anyone else. We got into a fight over the phone and Skype about a month ago, and she changed her number...only to "pocket dial" me 2 weeks ago. I've called her at the new number, leaving several voice messages...no replies.

I'm so tired of feeling so angry, lonely, and starved for love...but the thought of letting her go completely scares me to the core. I wish I could hold her, look right into her blue eyes, and tell her everything I feel, both good and bad. No one else has ever made me feel so alive...