Trusting others

[SignOfLazarus]

I'm more like RidingDutchman, in that trust often creeps in independently of my cognitive judgment. I can always go back and submit my assessment to tests to make sure it's reasonable, though. I try to reserve all judgment for a while, not letting first impressions sway me too much. Not everybody makes a very accurate first impression.

THIS. Precisely.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

I don't know how I missed this post before. It's very true, and I think it's a big problem with real-time, in-person communication. There's a sense of urgency that makes a lot of people act before they think. What always amazes me is the number of people who respond just as reflexively online. There's all the time you want to think about that "story", yet some people still go off half cocked (with "cocked" in this case meaning informed/aware)....I often assess people better in writing than in person. I wonder how common that is.

It's interesting to me that I often have a private intuition when I do meet someone face-to-face in real-time, but they don't and pursue the relationship. If I let them, things go well until I get into unscripted conversational territory--where my tendency to celebrate data over emotions causes problems.

Your question about Aspie naivety makes me wonder if something I said may have been misunderstood. I could be wrong and your comment could be an entirely separate thought, but just to be clear:

"I only wonder how they feel about the idea that others might take the same approach with them in return. That can make life hard for a person who doesn't always read/respond to social situations well."

I wasn't asserting that Aspies are naive. What I meant is that some Aspies may have a hard time proving themselves trustworthy to someone who takes the "guilty until proven innocent" approach. It makes me wonder if it's really fair for someone who has this problem to be too distrusting of others up front. It could be a tad hypocritical.

Actually, I was riffing on a separate thought, on how words that seem as if they might be describing very similar things would have distinguishing attributes when looked at more closely--namely gullibility, innocence, and stupidity. I'm the subject I'm wondering about...I've certainly felt that I've been each of those in some life situations. Inferring the right life lesson meant correcting whichever attribute contributed to a problem. I've never framed it quite that starkly before.

 

[On the Inside]

I'm struggling with this for some reason. Sorry if this is too self centered, but this discussion has exposed some holes in my concept of trust.

Reading all the responses has me thinking that what I have been thinking was trust, is for me just a set of assumptions about how people will behave. What else do I have to trust others with? Secrets? I have shared pretty much everything that's happened to me with someone, sometime. If they turned around and told someone else, I don't really care. That they will be there to catch me if I fall? I've fallen and landed pretty hard, got up and moved on.

I will readily admit to being a bit of a flake, so I tend to not put myself in situations where someone has to trust me beyond basic human decency and politeness, like maybe what is laid out in the ten commandments, or traffic rules. (I know, everyone drives like maniacs, but really, traffic is pretty predictable) Those are things that I assume I can trust others with, as well. Beyond that, I don't place much trust in others, and would rather others not trust me as well. Too much of a burden.

I think I am too forgiving to not trust others, but I have never been really hurt by another, not in a permanent, scarring way at least. Good fortune or good judgement? Low expectations or too forgiving? I've spent a great deal of time by myself, I work independently for the most part, have few friends, none of which I would call close, I am in a long term relationship, but is it going to last? Really, what am I trusting others with?

 

[DogwoodTree]

what I have been thinking was trust, is for me just a set of assumptions about how people will behave.

I think this was my working definition of "trust" too until this past year or so. "Trustworthy" doesn't mean "predictable", because someone could be predictably dangerous, selfish, mean, and manipulative.

So...I think "trust" actually has more to do with how I present myself to someone else, not how they respond. I trust someone when I'm authentic with them, even if they handle it poorly. Someone is trustworthy when they accept me for who I am without trying to change me for their benefit.

This all has to do with "safety", too, which I've also been exploring my presumptions regarding. I read on another forum that "safety is not a place, but a state of being." Being safe comes from within. It's the ability to determine your own responses to situations, regardless of the situation's placement on the pleasant/pain spectrum.

P.S. These thoughts are still deeply in development, so not fully mature yet.

 

[tree]

I think I may trust everyone, but not in the sense of
"I trust you with my life...etc." I trust that people
will behave as they do, not necessarily as I would like
them to behave.

"In psychology, trust is believing that the person who is trusted will do what is expected."
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trust_(social_sciences)

 

[Ste11aeres]

I've been screwed over too many times to trust anyone by default. People have to earn my trust and few ever manage to do that. I also don't expect people to automatically trust me, I expect to have to earn that trust and, I strive to be worthy of the trust I do gain.

To me trust is a valuable commodity and not something to give or take lightly. If you trust me, I am honored and, if I trust you, I hope you recognize the value of that gift and, how great a person you are to have won my trust.

For me, the answer to the question of whether or not I trust anyone depends on how you define the word "trust". Is there anyone whom I think will never do wrong? No.

But I came across an episode of Dr Phil where he said (I can't remember the exact words) "Trust isn't thinking the other person won't hurt you. Trust is knowing that when they do, you can take it." If that's what trust means, then sure, I trust people.

 

[On the Inside]

So...I think "trust" actually has more to do with how I present myself to someone else, not how they respond. I trust someone when I'm authentic with them, even if they handle it poorly. Someone is trustworthy when they accept me for who I am without trying to change me for their benefit.

That sums up where I was trying to go with my own questioning above. It is about understanding what you expect from someone, what you know they are capable of, or whether you can take a chance. So if you know someone well enough to predict what they will do, or how they will react, you could trust them for something, like they will pick you up when they say they will. They might not for some reason, but you trust they will, so you can make plans.

Like Ste11ares stated, "is there anyone I think will do no harm, no", therefore, we trust someone to the extent we feel is safe.